“I remember when

I remember I remember when I lost my mind

There was something so pleasant about that place

Even your emotions have an echo in so much space

And when you're out there without care

Yeah, I was out of touch

But it wasn't because I didn't know enough

I just knew too much”

Leland woke up, immediately recognising the song. It was “Crazy” by Gnarles Barkley.

Staress sat adjacent to him and sang at a skill level which could best be described as angelic. Her voice was soothing, distinct, and impossible to forget. By the time she had reached the last chorus of the song, Leland was completely sucked in, hanging onto the edge of each bar.

“But maybe I'm crazy

Maybe you're crazy

Maybe we're crazy

Probably”

Leland clapped.

“Oh, you’re awake,” Staress said. “I put your seatbelt on this time, so don’t get mad, okay?”

“Is that g-going to be on the new album?” Leland asked, a dream-like smile on his face. “You should d-definitely do that.”

“I know you’ve got a better question in that noggin of yours. Try again.”

Leland looked around, finally absorbing his surroundings. Expansive darkness enveloped them; Earth was nowhere to be seen, and they were sitting in a truck. Not a cool, flashy spaceship. A truck.

“Oh. W-we are in space. Why are we in space?”

“Now that’s a good question. We’re in space to conclude your superhero training.”

“Conclude? H-haven’t we just started?”

“Not at all. You’ve already learned how to fly and practiced your abilities quite a number of times.”

“Oh,” Leland said, a hint of disappointment in his voice. He assumed he had been avoiding the training, but clearly Staress had been playing 3D chess all along. “H-how did Cadell k-know where I was? W-where is he anyway?”

Staress slyly smiled. “He’s still in a prison cell. I’ve given him a set of instructions to create portals at specific locations at specific times.”

“He can do that just from o-one location?” Leland asked.

“Indeed he can,” Staress replied. “As a matter of fact, that man is the most competent portal user in the universe. All he needs are the coordinates. If you ever hear him talk about “reaching his limit,” ignore him. He’s just trying to do less work.”

“You really like throwing him under the b-bus, don’t you?”

“Yes, I do.”

“So w-where are we going?”

“To a land far, far away where an old friend owes me a favour. We’re going to collect what every capable superhero needs—a super suit.”

"Yeah, a-about that," Leland said. His gaze fixated on the steering wheel of the space truck as he wondered how in the world the contraption operated. “I don’t want to be a superhero and I don’t w-want training. If you n-need my help with something small, sure, whatever, but I’m not really trying to make it… p-pro with this.”

"The best part is," Staress said, making a crude hand gesture as if swatting a fly, "you'll be able to fully customize it to your liking. This isn't going to be just any old suit. It's going to be created by a mystical, cool-looking alien with spooky powers."

“D-did you hear me?” Leland said, genuinely baffled at her blatant ignorance. “I said I don’t w-want to be a superhero.”

“I know little Lee, but, um, how do I put this nicely. You have… no… choice? Kind of? Look, we can’t turn back now. We’re almost there. Think of it this way. You get to spend your evening with your number one favourite artist. That’s a blessing in itself.”

Leland frowned slightly, folding his arms. She was sort of right, but he didn’t say anything.

“Finally,” Staress said after a while. “Took him long enough.”

Leland’s eyes widened as a portal just large enough for the truck slowly materialised in front of them.

“The airtight vehicle isn’t our means of transportation, little Lee. It’s just so we don’t die. Cadell’s very busy at the moment, so we need to take two portal trips instead of one.”

“I see. W-what are you m-making him do?”

“Our iconic superhero is doing what he does best,” Staress answered.

Stolen novel; please report.

“Saving the w-world?” Leland asked hopefully, turning to look at her.

“I was going to say doing the bare minimum but, sure, let’s go with what you said.”

----------------------------------------

Volengi hovered in the middle of a violent sandstorm, laying flat on his back in the air as if it were a cozy bed. The winds howled, repeatedly smacking against him yet his incredibly dense body didn’t move an inch. He was in the middle of nowhere, Planet Zeema to be specific, a place so hard to find that your best chances of finding it were getting lost.

“Attempt number five,” Volengi grunted, immediately regretting to speak. Stating a failure out loud felt worse than Solarian torture techniques. Well… some of them. He didn’t want to be melodramatic.

After a short while of deep thought, Volengi pressed a button on a glowing purple bracelet around his wrist and suddenly he was floating above the Earth slug planet. Back to square one.

A swarm of Spugs, blue insectoid looking creatures, flew close by. Volengi vaporised them with an energy blast but they were replaced only seconds later. He rolled his eyes. A group of individuals who were clearly looking for an excruciating death had been recording his lack of progress.

Since the second failed attempt, everyone had been watching. Every type one civilization or above that is. Important political figures, rivals and leaders sat in their spaceships or kingdoms and watched Volengi live, chuckling and staring gleefully.

Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, how infuriating.

Of course, Volengi understood the entertainment value. Who wouldn’t love to watch the most powerful creature in the universe known for destroying hundreds of planets struggle to defeat a simple slug planet? He tilted his head to one side as his hand hovered over the activation button on the teleporter bracelet. Even from space, he could see Cadell leaning against the wall of a prison cell.

He now knew a lot about the rare mutant and the world it lived in. He knew about human customs, forms of entertainment and their various cultures. He learned about the true extent of all of their capabilities, from their intellectual ability to their physical limits.

Though Volengi didn’t acquire the information out of curiosity. Involuntarily, he had picked it up while listening in on the planet’s activity from afar. Most of the primates were cognitively limited with a great proportion of them entranced by their primitive technologies. Their arguments were amusing and pointless. The only thing good they had going for them was their seemingly endless sources of entertainment. During Volengi’s previous attempts at obliterating the planet, he had passively consumed a large proportion of their music, audiobooks and podcasts. Artistically speaking, the species were exceptional, abundantly filled with many ways to drown their time.

Cadell paced up and down the prison cell, and Volengi watched him, looking for the slightest of edges. He waited for many hours, even going so far as to frequently measure the human’s blood composition, heart rate and brain activity.

Not once did his focus waver. The human’s lag time between portals was only 0.14 seconds. Timing was everything. Eventually, he conjured an orange ball of light in both hands and smirked.

“There we go,” Volengi whispered.

Once again, the rare mutant leaned against a wall. As soon as its head began to drop, Volengi exploded out one spherical shaped energy blast from both palms, each one powerful enough to annihilate the slug planet ten times over.

They zoomed straight through a portal.

Volengi swore, producing a rough clicking sound which translated closest to You motherfucker! He teleported to a rainforest and sped through the tangled trees, releasing energy blasts haphazardly, only for them to pass through portals before detonating.

Volengi froze mid air just in time to avoid soaring into a portal and ascended. He increased the rate of the energy blasts until all of a sudden his body condensed into a purple glowing sphere and two whole bodies sprouted out of it.

“I never thought I would use such an ability like this,” began the first Volengi.

“But very well,” finished the second.

Volengi number one activated his teleporter, appearing in Cadell’s prison cell. He glared at the human who still leaned against the wall, rubbing tired eyes. “How are you doing this?”

Cadell blankly stared back. “What do you mean?” He reached into a portal and grabbed a comic book titled Berserk Vol 31.

“You know exactly what I mean. How are you predicting every attack?”

“I’m not,” Cadell replied.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are! As we speak, my duplicate is randomly teleporting around your planet yet you defend against its every move. Explain yourself!”

Cadell turned a page of the comic book, sighing. “I’m confined in a prison cell. You expect too much from me. Staress told me when and where to place the portals and that’s it. I can’t believe she’s bossing me about again. There’s no escaping that woman, I tell you.”

“Defence without attack is meaningless. You must kill me. That’s the only way to get rid of me and end this fight.”

“No thanks. A stalemate works for me. You haven’t caused me any trouble so far and let’s be honest… This is hardly a fight. If anything, this is more like a whacky game. You try to destroy the planet. I send you to a random location in the universe. Where did you end up last time anyway? I was visualising sandstorms.”

Volengi raised an energy fuelled arm but lowered it seconds later. “I agree. I wouldn’t call this a fight either. So fight me. You can use those portals as much as you like but the only way to get rid of me is to kill me. I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation. Do you think I’m just going to give up and walk away?”

Cadell shrugged. “I don’t know, are you?”

“One of us must die. Fight.”

“I don’t do that anymore,” the human said sternly. “I’m done fighting. If you caught me three years ago, I would have gladly taken up the offer but things have changed.”

“You’re a spineless fool.”

“Believe what you want. Strategic sounds cooler, though.”

Volengi clenched his fists. He didn’t bother engaging in combat. The facts could not be ignored. It didn’t matter how powerful the human was. There was nothing he could do at the moment, not when the human knew his every move and refused to go on the offensive.

He levitated, sitting in the air cross-legged. “I haven’t encountered such a foe in centuries.”

“Can’t we be friends?” Cadell asked.

“You’re the reason my reputation has been tainted. You can’t even be my pet anymore because you’ve humiliated me in front of trillions of eyes.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“Ideally, I’d love to capture and torture you first but I doubt that will be possible.” Volengi closed his eyes and checked in with his duplicate. It had still made no progress. “Can you explain something to me human?”

“Sure thing.”

“Why do you allow yourself to be a prisoner? You’re the only one of your kind with such magnificent abilities. They already revere and fear you. You’re worthy to rule over them.”

Cadell chuckled. “I don’t know about that one chief. Putting human morality aside, which I’m not sure you’ll understand, I have a suitable answer for you.”

Volengi leaned forward. “Go on.”

“I’ve been told it’s best I show you.” The human’s eyes turned a muddy purple and immediately the surrounding temperature spiked.

“I see,” Volengi said, perfectly masking shock. The human had been infected by one of the most volatile alien species in the universe. Even Solarians had trouble dealing with them. “How long?”

“I was born with it. Second generation.”

Volengi smirked, then he laughed coldly. “A second generation Crazed? Now this is interesting. It’s impressive that you can maintain a conversation. You shouldn’t even exist!”

“I agree,” Cadell said. “It’s best I stay right here.”