Joe was back in the shed rolling up a fat one at the table. BB was him with practically running around in circles in a frenzy. Joe got up and headed to the bathroom BB followed him inside he put a towel at the door and proceeded to face the cigar. Sometime later both he and the dog slowly made their way back into the kitchenette. " Damn I'm hungry. You want a sammich boy? You want a sammich I bet let's see what we got." Joe then proceeded to make some peanut butter and spam sandwiches. Hunger would make a dog eat turnip greens as granddaddy would say. He and BB smashed four of them then he remembered the bottle of absinthe on the table. He grabbed the corkscrew and the bottle then began to wiggle the cork out. Looking for a cup he saw one that looked fairly clean Liquor sterilizes most shit anyways. He filled up the red disposable cup with the green liquid and took a swig.. Wow that tastes bad but then again most shit out of green bottles are horrible to drink. He took most of the remainder like a shot.It reminded him of the time he tried to get twisted on cough syrup. It tasted medicinal and made him queasy.
He sat down in his arm chair by the tv and cut on the set found nothing on to watch downed most of the cup's contents then set it on the floor. BB was drinking out of the disposable before it touched the floor. Frikkin wino. Like father like son I guess even if they're fur babies. " Let's go to bed BB." Joe and BB laid down and slept. Joe knew he was flashing through some crazy dreams he sweated heavily and could feel the furry one twitch by his legs then all of a sudden he was freezing. He felt a gusting wind blowing across his face. It got so cold he opened his eyes to look it was daylight now and there were rocks everywhere. "What the hell happened BB?" he asked looking down at his dog. BB looked back at him We woke up higher than we've ever been man... " Oh ok... shit did you really just answer me?" I can't explain it either but let's roll with it. From what I can tell is we are up high somewhere. Also I smell so many things I never smelled before. Just as Joe was getting his head wrapped around the fact that BB could talk to him out pops a fairy in front of his face. " Why did we get two Transfers? Why are they both practically naked? Ok Tina calm down... Greetings Transfers hold all questions until after I finish my spiel. I am Tina a messenger fairy for Glendray 3rd chair of Lords of Chaos.”
Joe can't hold his shit together on this one and starts laughing. "So we are on planet piss. Are the Lords a metal band and is this the bass player's side projects?" He falls to his knees in pain and starts bleeding from his anus. Almost immediately the pain stops and he is back on his feet. Tina seems to be enjoying his discomfort. " I told you to not ask any questions until I was through... I know you didn't read any of the information that came with the bottle because you are unclothed , unprovisioned , and unequipped you also brought a pet. I'm tempted to just say fuck it and let Order or Neutrality sort you out. That's what I'll do." She then dematerialized. And we are still left with questions Joe. At least we know we are on Urea. " Planet Piss ok it's Planet Piss BB." Changing gears Joe closes his eyes and mutters a prayer " Please God help us we need guidance and aid." You expect him to answer you hell he didn't answer too many prayers on Earth? You'd be better of trying for Order's attention.
"Don't randomly send out prayers for help. You never know who'd actually respond and how they'd aid you." " BB did you hear that too?" Yes I hope we are hallucinating... fuck it I'm a talking dog let's roll with it. " Who are you?" "I'm a being that has helped you already. Who do you think facilitated the communications between you and your companion?" " I am Joe but I assume you know that already the little guy over there is BB. What is your name?" " No mortal has named me yet." " No name? Well then what are you?" " I am what you would call a god. Before you ask no I can't send you back. Also no I can't give you powerful abilities. I was able to bridge communication between you two and that pretty much exhausted my powers. Right now the Lords of Order are at war with Chaos and Neutrality. My guess is that Chaos summoned you here in order to fight in the war obviously you pissed of the messenger and evaporated your chance at the big leagues. So you are left with two choices enter a covenant with me or take your chances by yourself." "What does it mean to enter a covenant?" "You agree to worship me. Follow my commandments...give me a name" " BB sounds good to me. You think we should?" Best chance to live I guess but what do you get out of it? " I want to live as well. Without worshipers gods die ." " We wish to enter a covenant with you." " Ok give me a name." Giving a quick thought about a sexy latina with a phat ass and big knockers he used to know Joe said " Carmen. Now what Carmen?" That same image spoke back in his mind "Kiss me stupido." He was horny so he went for the French, she slapped the shit outta him. " I think you are going to be fun. My first command is to kill Orion or conquer Urea. First thing I'll do when when I'm in charge is change the name of this planet maybe to something more dignified. The last Emperor had a sense of humor."
“Don't you think deicide or world domination is a little much? You are asking slacker supreme and stoner doggie to do this for you. WE get shitty and stay awake for 50 hour Ja Bronie sessions. WE hump furniture when we get drunk. WE shit on people's doorsteps. Responsibilities and early violent death lies at the exact opposite direction on the spectrum from our areas of expertise and interests. I personally want to die in my 80s at an after party held for my 20th world Ja Bronie title defense. Balls deep in one of 6 hookers that I told to dress like clowns. Autopsy to reveal a combination of coke and ED pills causing my heart to implode post coitus.” Totally bro drugs and bitches but personally I wanna be inside that little Bichon that Gramma's friend has down the road. That nitch is a is a total slut man. Heard she let a possum up in that. You are so simple. Fine, baby steps get down the mountain and we'll take it from there. By the way if you are going to be led around by your dick Joe it may as well serve a practical purpose. Your destination lies in the direction that you get a chubby facing. By the time you get a raging boner you have come haha to the happy ending. I am tired I must rest. You have about four hours until it becomes nightfall get a move on.
Surprisingly, Carmen told the truth as I spun around slowly I could feel an erection rising and see the sun setting. I realized in my skylarking that I saw we were approximately halfway up the mountains and on what appeared to be the “wet” side of the mountain.
That would explain why we are so cold BB.
Sure as shit man it's fucking cold Joe.
Wait you heard me BB?
Yeah I saw it when you tried to perv on the goddess bro. She shut you down like a champ... She is hot I'd tongue punch her fartbox.
So you can see everything that happens in my head?
I thought about a school bus.
School bus. Quit wasting time dill weed which way we headed?
Looks like we are headed pretty much straight down.
BB took off at a run. I'll look ahead I am a lot faster than you anyways just come down this wash out slow n easy.
I heeded his advice and proceeded at a slow walk trying to take in the view looking at the sand I saw that it was red which could be an indication of iron deposits in the mountain and some sharp edged rock. It is called Chert you moron. That dyke bitch Katey never stopped droning on about her geography and Vagina Supremacy classes. I guess more of those lessons stuck than I thought paying half- assed attention simply because she wouldn't shut up. Hell if I'd payed attention when she'd launched off about the patriarchy I might've pulled some hot lesbo ass like she did. Fuck her girlfriend was stacked. I'll be damned if I'd be Politically Correct. I was born large white male and Southern. Hell I was raised Southern Baptist and Republican.
There were coniferous and what appeared to be hardwoods in distance but what surprised me the most was the lack of scrub in the under-canopy. If memory and the frumpy lezzie were correct then that means this was virgin timber that it all grew up together or there were people actively managing this area of the forest to keep the undergrowth in check. As there are no visible stumps I am inclined to believe the former.
You are not stealthy at all fat boy I am off in the distance but I know just where you are from the sound of your breathing.
So BB see anything interesting?
Saw a grey fox but she wasn't having none of this...
Somebody else isn't as charming as they thought they were. Keep an eye out for anything that looks dangerous you know channel your inner Lassie or some shit.
Try not to mouth breath fat boy you are liable to suck in a bug.
With that it was back to peaceful birdsong and chirping insects. Then the birdsong stopped. BB sent me a thought Hey man there is some midget methhead looking motherfuckers on their way towards you they smell worse than your sheets bro. Take cover behind the nearest tree while I get a closer look. I heard BB giving a little yip in the distance as I took cover behind the tree closest to me.
I peeked out from behind the tree and I saw two goblins in the distance about 150ft or so and coming closer. No shit archetypical green scaly goblins 3ft tall and spindly. One had a stone tipped spear and the other was armed with a small wooden club that looked like a chunk of firewood. They had no armor to speak of save wide rawhide belts that covered their guts which were poked out like those bloated Ethiopian kids on the commercials. One of them opens up his mouth and I see what BB was talking about total meth mouth up in there. I look at my feet and I find a rock palm sized rock to put in my hand just in case I need to perform some corrective dentistry on these fools. On their backs were some oversized backpacks. Spear gob had a skunk tail sticking out of his pack.
If we run you will be caught these guys are pretty fast.. Fat Boy get ready I got an idea.
BB darted out from behind the Gobs barking and growling murder.
I am three times the size of these guys so I ran from behind my tree. Both gobs attentions were focused on BB. Spear gob didn't see me til I was about 5ft from him I jumped up and launched myself into a drop kick into his chest he fell down hard. I transitioned my momentum into a full mount onto the little green bastard and brought my rock down hard onto his head 4 times in quick succession. As I did that I felt a whiff of air pass left ear and my left shoulder was enveloped in pain as club gob brought down his weapon. Then I felt clawing pain on my upper shoulders as he attempted to grab my neck. I heard the goblin grunt but not a deep grunt almost as if he was just distracted. I used this break to twist my trunk around to face my foe. Something primal broke in me and I bit the fucker's nose. I tasted his blood in my mouth, a chunk of something passed by my tongue I didn't pause to think of the options either I had gobbo nose in my mouth now or boogers. Fuck it I swallowed and stood up and turned around. The gob staggered back upright. I'll give him props for holding onto his club after a psycho tried to go bathsalts on his face. We faced each other and I thought I saw fear in his eyes as he hissed at me. I roared my challenge back at him with spittle flying from my bloody face orfice. I think it might be a long time coming before I can call it my mouth again after the potential goblin booger incident. My roar echoed for a very long time and I can guess it carried for miles. The goblin and I faced each other for some time before he swung his club at my left thigh. It hurt like hell I pissed myself in pain, but that gave my the opportunity to grab his wrist at which point once again I used my weight and momentum to put him to the ground I brought my rock down countless times over and over on his head.. There was a veritable goblin brain Vesuvius by the time I was done. Then I collapsed in a heap as I heard a voice say Level one Berserker Requirements met.
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Oh you dirty boy! You really like to get into your work. Don't worry take a nap you earned it. Keep impressing me you might earn something more. She said that with a seductive shake of her hips and a pouty smirk on her lips. Fuck yeah fat boy score.
Shut up BB I need to crash you try to find some help.
Eustace hated his new route salt pork and lard fromInaard's slaughterhouses to pick up salt fish on the coast at Steenq. Whoever named the place must have been thinking of the whores and the wharves. His caravan was fairly large six wagons 12 guards. Which seems like a lot but he was also holding on to the pay chest for the Square Deal's operations in Steenq. His superior's had thought that a whole wagon train of stink and 13 rough faces would deter bandits however the guards might be needed because a wagon train of stink could bring down a lot of beastial threats. He quiet moment of introspection in the forest was broken by the sound of what could have been a young grey ape but those giants only lived deep in the south or in the menagerie of his Lordship of Inaard where he had been invited before his reputation had taken a hit on the trade deal in the Empire. His failure to get a guaranteed supply of opals for the mages to experiment with. The rest is history from perfumed halls to riding on the stank train.
“ Stephan are your men ready for action?” said the merchant with concern in his voice.
“ You are too worked up you old fart, relax for a bit and I'll send two scouts ahead on the road. Armando and Braynard you two are on point. We'll stay put until you come. Be easy out there I don't want to be the one to tell Sheila our boys are dead. She'd hoo doo my cock off in the square and watch me bleed out.” a grizzled guard brushed him off.
“Don't worry Corporal you were the one that taught us merc work your old ass has made it to the edge of the Empire the back to Inaard in one piece.” flippantly replied Braynard.
Armando the older brother jerked Braynard's ear and replied back “ We ain't the Corporal and unless your ass gets a bit smarter you'll never get to be old.” With that the younger men took off down the trail at a trot on their dun coursers.
Stephan was 45 years old and had mustererd out of the regiment 5 years ago. After his retirement he tried various crafts and farming. A year later he realized he was complete shit at anything other than soldiering. He had never made it past the rank of Corporal, being poor and common born meant that his career wouldn't amount to any higher rank that Corporal so he left. His pension and the last engagement's spoils distribution he had a more coin than he had ever had in his life. He knew that he wasn't set for life but he could maybe get into business for himself. The quartermaster had put in a good word for him with the Square Deal in return for canceling out a rather sizable dice debt owed to Stephan. After that it was cake to establish residence in part of a dilapidated warehouse that the merchants owned rent free in returned he agreed to find trustworthy bodies for security for the guild. He had roughly 100 troops to guard caravans. The Blue Ducks they called themselves. The Corporal was a fan of Blue and Ducks. He'd be damned if anybody would laugh at them.
Everyone on this trip were in leather or chain mail armor. Most had single edge cavalry sabers and leather faced wooden bucklers with a quiver of javelins or short bows and arrows. Nondescript cavalry skirmishers. Consummate professionals all of them. The brothers were different but hell this was the first time they got out of the city. Sheila swore that at least one of them was his son. He wasn't about to argue with the witch he figured a dick removal spell was probably a thing that she could do. Scratch that she'd just reach out and cut it off. I hope the boy's are alright... Armando is smarter than Braynard is. But then again both of them went to the Pig Parlor to peek at the doxies when they were supposed to be at the schoolhouse. That was five years ago now. Sheila was livid. She was just as beautiful as I remembered. Somehow it ended up being my fault cause the boys through me under the bridge when Sheila called me by name. It was “Momma we was looking for daddy honest we heard he came back and we just had to see if it was true.”
“ Keep your eyes open this is the wilds.” Armando said quietly.
“ Fuck off brother I think I know how to scout.” Braynard barked back
Niether of them knew how to scout because it was evident that they were only looking at the trail ahead of them and had not bothered to scan the treeline to the sides of them. Nor were they looking into the distance because if they were then they would have seen a little black dot coming towards them down the trails.
Yep fatboy you are saved these two smell like you do but not as funky now to get their attention.
Arrf Arrf Yipp Yipp owwl.
“ Hey you here that Braynard?”
“Yeah sounds like a puppy. Look it is a puppy looks like he is happy to see us. I wonder what a puppy is doing out here?”
“ You reckon somebody dumped it or that there might be some people living in the woods?”
“This certainly does bring to question multiple answers”
“Look he's running around us.”
“Want some chip beef little guy? How bout some twice bread?”
“Nobody wants to eat chip beef or twice baked. He's gone now.”
These idiots are dense man way dumber than fat boy. I don't know how to be more obvious.
“ He is still barking his ass off I think we should follow him.”
“Sounds like a plan that falls in line with the whole scouting duties I suppose.”
As they followed the little black dog through the trees they saw a large pasty man in a pair of under pants. He was passsed out in between two goblin corpses. It smelled like piss shit and blood . The Giant he had jizzed himself.
“You see that ? This fellow took down two gobs pretty much bare -assed with a rock and it seems like he did it with a hard on.” Braynard said with respect in his voice.
“It takes all kinds Braynard. Besides you feel like insulting a man that can fight gobs with a rock and a hard on? Be my guest.” Armando replied.
“ We need to get the Corporal here he looks pretty banged up. He has some writing on him in the Old Script. If we had bothered going to lessons more often we might could read it. Oh well shit under the bridge.”Braynard observed.
“ I agree with everything you said little brother, however one of us needs to go back to the caravan the other needs to stay here to help him. You stay here I'll head back to the others.”Armando ordered
“I always get the shit details.”Braynard sulked.
“ Most of the time you deserve the shit details. Braynard.”
Armando headed back to the caravan and Braynard dismounted.Contrary to what he had said before he knew his Armando left him here because Armando slept through field triage and casualty reduction classes every time their mother tried to teach them. The Corporal insisted all the men keep a flask of rotgut on them at all times not necessarily to drink but for wiping down wounds to try to keep corruption out. Braynard got his out now and flipped out the cork.
He took a quick swig without tasting the foul stuff. Rumors said that rotgut was distilled from pumpkin vines or beans. All that the men knew is that the Square Deal merchants provided it at 5 tin pennies in 1 gallon green jugs. He brought out his pocket handkerchief and doused it with the contents of the flask then went to start cleaning the strangers wounds. He wiped down the man's back and he heard the stranger breath out through his teeth. Then with a start the man pushed himself up from his face first position on the ground.
“ Damn that hurts. What the fuck just happened?” I mumbled more to myself than to anyone else not really expecting an answer. I look around I saw the two goblins I killed earlier and I had just heard a horse ninny as I darted up. I saw teenager on the ground where I was lying earlier. My left arm was done in and my left leg could hold my weight. Looking down it was quite obvious that I was wrong earlier I had not pissed myself instead it was a huge quickly drying spooge stain. “ Hey I am talking to you can I please get some answers? No nothing huh. Oh shit we got a language barrier.” I pointed at myself “Joe.” I look at him expectantly.
With his injuries the giant doesn't need to be moving around with a glance I can tell his left shoulder is dislocated. His thigh bone is most likely cracked his right fist is a swollen bloody mess. But I know I can't restrain him even in his current state. I really wish I could tell him to sit down. He looks like an ape a pale pasty ape. I wonder if I should treat him like an animal. I reach into my pocket and I pull out some chip beef.
“ Been holding out on me huh. Beef jerky. But first I'am going to check the gob's shit.” I told him even though I know he didn't understand me.
I limp my busted ass over to the spear gob kneel town and take off his pack. The kid in the leather watches me when he sees my struggle he removes the pack himself. I opened up the contents true to my observation there was a skunk looking creature that was in the pack but funnily it did not smell. There were some squirrels and a rat at the very bottom was a metal knife with about a three inch blade and a tiny horn handle. The kid's eyes lit up at the sight of the skunk. The gob's spear was as tall as he was so I guess it'd be better than nothing if it came down to a fight I pick it up in my left hand and we move onto goblin number two. Same drill strip his belt and I saw a silver coin stitched into it. Guess even a goblin likes a little bling. In the other gob's sack was some mushrooms and some dank herbage that made my eyes light up. The kid seemed uninterested in the munchables and the smokage. I don't know how valuable this stuff is or if it is what I hope it is. But anyways the kid grabbed the packs and sat down on the grass and motioned for me to do the same. I complied and made the universal sign for drink. The kid chuckled and produced a flask. I grabbed it and took a long swallow.
BB I bet this shit came from a green bottle. Want a drop?
Fuck no man I ain't drinking shit for a while remember what happened the last time I drank something.
I'll drink to that.
The giant seemed to like the rotgut because he took two drinks. I know plenty of men who only drink this shit once there is a reason that it's used for medical supplies. I wonder how he'll like chip beef and twice baked. I pass a piece of beef and a slice of the bread to the giant.“ Jerky and a cracker I am getting the royal treatment. You know what kid I like you. Once I confirm what this is I might let you have some of my stash.”Joe said in a conspiring tone
“Run that by me again Armando. You saw a puppy on the road that lead you to a pale giant that had jizzed in his pants either while killing goblins or after? Braynard is tending his wounds and the giant was tattooed with Old Script? ” The Corporal asked in disbelief.
“ It sounds like I am lying but it is the truth if you follow the road they ain't far off of it” Armando retorted
“If you lie this is the end of the line for your brother and yourself. I'll tell your mother then you'll have to become eunuchs and serve in the temple.”