Two more men in armor came to the area where I had killed the goblins. A younger man with short cropped brown hair and green eyes.Following him an older man whose hair was a shade darker with the same green his had crows feet. The man who was treating my injuries had blonde hair but also the same shade of emerald eyes, he didn't suffer from the weathered look of the older man nor the angsty scowl of the other. There were resemblances. The younger both had hawk noses. If one were to imagine the older man without a broken nose and cauliflower ears strong resemblances between them. All three were about 5'6" maybe 150lbs. Green eyed guidos these guys are clearly related. I point to myself “ Joe. Who are you?” to my surprise the man just ignored me and looked over at the skunk and other stuff that came from the gobs. I shook my head wondering if I'd ever get anywhere with my questions in this place.
The giant had stumbled onto a skink. This is easily worth a gold piece. Stephan could never understand mages or rich fops. Around the time of his enlistment there was a mage working on combining creatures for the fur trade. None of them a success but the skink. The mage's apprentices were bribed to let loose the breeding stock . When the nobles found out they hunted down all the skinks that they could.Now the sign of a well dressed man in Thern is a skinkskin hat. Stephan personally thought they looked ridiculous. The squirrels would help to bulk up the stew tonight and a rat was just a squirrel with a different tail. The silver piece on the belt was something that he recognized as a mark from Steenq. That was about a week's wages for an average laborer. Looking at the knife he saw that it was gnomish made and most likely steel. That's one big nosed shit never getting back to his bank. Stephan let out a booming laugh at that thought. The gnomes were good with money and everybody hated them for it.
“ Braynard how is the man?” Stephan asked with inflection on the word man.“ Dislocated shoulder, a possible cracked femur, superficial scratches on his shoulders,and a complete lack of taste buds.” Braynard paused and continued “ He drank all my rotgut. He ate all my twice baked and chip beef. If you'd been any longer he might've tried to eat a gob. Before I gave him my handkerchief to clean up his face was covered in blood. Unless it was a nosebleed none of it was his.” equal parts awe and disgust entered the boy's voice.Breaking the tension was a noisy fart from the giant and his subsequent urination.
It feels so good to piss in the woods.
You're telling me man. I pissed all over the place earlier to let that fox know I was still around. By the way fat boy there are some more guys and a road a little ways off in that direction.
Good to know. They look like trouble?
How am I supposed to know that? They look alright I suppose. The wagons smelll like ham... I have an appetite again I will investigate these wagons further.
Oh I'm the fatass...
“So do you think Eustace will him ride with us ? The man is injured and in the middle of nowhere the next town is three days away.” Braynard asked his father.“I don't know about that but I do know this that the earlier we reset his shoulder the better off he'll be. Armando give the man your flask he is going to need to drink some more if I am going to remedy his shoulder.” With that said the Corporal took his sword belt and limbered up his body.
I couldn't believe my luck the other kid passed me another flask of liquor from his hip. I handed him the empty one back as I downed the full one. The rude man was talking with the first kid and pointed in my direction. The kid came over and knelt down beside me to massage my injured shoulder. I will admit the kid was pretty good at that between the drink and the massage my shoulder was feeling much better. Evening was starting to fall. I was tired and I wanted to lay down.
“ It is good to know you have some talent at something.You gonna finish him off? Happy ending.” Armando launched the barb at his brother in a low voice. The Corporal was one of the best bonesetters there was. The boys were eager to see a pro at work.
I hope I can get the lock on him he has some really long arms. If he pulls against me it will make the injury worse and then I will have to cut off his air in order to knock him out. The Corporal thought hard and took in a breath. He laid himself down in line with the arm,and in a swift fluid motion he grabbed the man's wrist then inserted it between his legs and then made the lock.The big man gave a bit of a scream. Stephan did not release his lock and proceeded to get it tighter to assure that the shoulder was in place.
What happened man I heard you scream like a bitch.
You little shit one of these fuckers put me in an armbar. Hurts like hell bet you'd bitch if you were in an armbar.
Nah man I'd never let anybody put me in an armbar. See I got no arms.
Hahaa fucker laugh it up.
To my relief the older guy let go of my arm. He sat up and looked at me expectantly until I did the same. He pointed at my left arm then made shoulder circles with his own. I followed suit and I realized that the man had fixed my shoulder. I was ecstatic the pain although dulled by the alcohol was still there but I could move it again.
An angry looking old man trundled his way from the direction that the soldiers had came. I have begun to think of them as soldiers because the gear and the carriage of the older man gave off a definite soldier vibe. The old man with a beard was about the same skin tone and height as my rescuers. The major differences were he was rail thin and had a white goatee. His hair was grey and fell down past his shoulders. The newcomer was screaming at the soldiers and pretty much looking madder than “a wet setting hen.” I start laughing from beside the lootpile where I was standing. “ Somebody is pissed this must be the head asshole.” The old fart turned to me and said in perfect English “ You best believe it young man. Your shenanigans have caused me to fall behind my timetable.” He then turned back and continued berating the soldiers. In the gibberish that seemed to amount to a language here.
“ Stephan we have the moon tonight which means we could be traveling but instead you are fooling around with a village boy that speaks a corrupted dialect of a prima lingus of the southern Empire. I will admit it is impressive that he killed those goblins with an erection and a smile but this is wasting time.”
“I want to bring him along. I figure that he can be useful might be able to charge the fishwives in Steenq some tinners to gaze upon the mighty Kraan a prince of the half giants of the south. I'll split the take with you equal shares. Consider it the transport fees.”
“There are no half giants in the south. But at 70/30 I'd consider it.”
“70 is too much Eustace but I'll agree to it if you handle some transactions at the Rusty Pail for me in Steenq.”
“Done but I'll get my 10% commision for the guild, you know it is in our bylaws. I am already on thin ice and I'd rather not risk them finding out. You tried to get the better of me. Don't play stupid I see the skink over there by his foot the fool might start eating it. Which brings me to my next poin, his food costs will be tallied at the end of the route you will be held accountable for those. Steenq also has a bounty out on feral goblins. Load those two up on the gutwagon in the back and I suppose the “half giant” can ride in the lead with me. Undoubtedly the buffoon will bombard me with his lack of proper pronunciation and his general lack of wit as I will be forced to converse in his barbarous tongue.”
I watched as the four men were circled in conversation I really wished I was a better study at languages not that it'd really help me at this point in time but since the whitebeard understood English maybe others would know Spanish or another language from Earth something I'd at least recognize.
Follow the free jerky man. Wow this stuff is salty but hell I ain't complaining belly rubs and bacon all the way bro.
You little shit you found somebody to feed you? Where's my belly rub.
If you can convince this guy to rub your belly I'll bark like the Chesire Cat.
The conversation circle concluded and the whitebeard spoke with an aggravated expression on his face “Big fellow where do you hail from. Are you from the South?”
“ The accent gave it away? My whole family is from around Mobile. How about you I can't seem to place yours sounds different than anyone else that I heard before.”
“I have no idea where Mobile is, but I suppose it is a backwater full of ill spoken slackjawed louts such as yourself. No matter we are in route to the coastal town of Steenq with a delivery that needs to be made posthaste. Stephan wishes for you to accompany us. I am not pleased with the idea but he has a scheme to make a little money and as long as I am getting a cut I think I can get over my revulsion to you.”
“ Sounds like you might have beef with me I haven't done anything to you, but I thank you for your honesty and your help so far. Please tell the Stephan thanks for popping my shoulder back into joint.”
“ I will you. Now follow me you get to ride in the lead with me and I would be grateful if you keep quiet on the ride. We'll be making camp about a leuga up the road.”
I went to grab the loot and the older soldier shook his head. The white beard was walking in a hurry towards the direction he came from. I followed after him at a slow limp. We reached a dirt road in about ten minutes. I saw six wagons which reminded me of flatbed haulers loaded down with barrels. Soldiers were alongside each wagon.I could see the old man standing beside the first which had a cab built around the driver's area and had a red latern hanging from the side of the cab by a door. White beard gave a little cough. “ Get in the damn wagon now.” I tried to follow his instructions but the door wasn't making it easy. It was really narrow and too short. I finally laid my head on my right shoulder and slid in sideways. I took up the bulk of the interior with no room left for another person. White beard was grinning “ I should have figured that wasn't going to work.” He then said something to the driver in the wagon behind him. The man replied back tersely. “ Alphonse says that you can ride in the back of his wagon. Get in the back of the wagon directly behind me. Your puppy is already on the gutwagon with Chet.” I extracted myself from the cab with little difficulty as I now knew the trick to it. I crawled my busted ass onto the second wagon and dozed off every bump caused slight pain, but I slept through it.I heard the sounds of multiple voices chattering and then smelled food cooking.
We stopped man. Chubby over here has a pot and there is something in it. He gave me some bacon earlier and lots of dried beef.
Lucky dog.
Anything new?
Lots of new people.
Are we in a town?
No we are still in the woods looks like some people are getting ready to sleep that sounds like a good idea I'm by the bacon master.
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
I opened my eyes and saw more wagons and a few fires. Just like BB said the number of people easily doubled. Some were eating by the fire closest to me. Some of the guards had their swords out moving through slashing maneuvers in slow motion while the “brothers” watched. War daddy had taken off two barrels from a wagon closer to the fire and some guards were getting very animated. I was curious so I walked over to them.
I love to dice more than anything. Hell even more than fucking. Stephan was on a losing streak but didn't seem to mind much at a tin penny a toss he was a couple copper in. He didn't need the clink, he mainly did it to build up some goodwill with his men. Soldiers dice,drink,or whore all their money away. That will still hold true centuries from now. The game was a traveling game of strategy known as “war”.
In "war" armies battled for control on a map of Urea. Each country had specialty troops. The country that was contested at this moment was Thirn. Stephan being in control of Thirn had an advantage on the walls of Inaard. His light horse units dismounted and were using their bows to hold off and invasion from the Empire. Horse archers on the walls outnumbered Empire mages three to one. Stephan's opponents through lucky dice throws were closing the gap fast. Thirn and the Empire being perpetually at war made scenarios like these highly popular in "war". Stephan added another coin to the pile and saw the Big man watching with interest. He beckoned the Giant over for a toss.
I saw War Daddy motioning for me to come over so I did. He extended his hand to place something in mine.Three dice made their way into my hand some sides were blank others had a pip carved onto them like simple yes no dice. I made my toss all three pips. My opponent removed a figurine from outside the wall. They motioned for me to toss again. Three pips. Another mage removed. I tossed again two blanks and a pip. My opponent then held out his hands I gave him the dice. He rolled two blanks and a pip. One of my archers was removed.I was given back the dice. I rolled three blanks. Two more archers gone. Then the enemy rolled three pips and “breached” my gate causing the end of the round.I then walked back to the wagon to sleep.
I was awoken to the pre dawn gloom by the sounds of argument. War Daddy and Whitebeard were standing at the center of the clearing flanked by the soldiers. On the other side of them were a group of strangers.Their faces were darker and they were lankier built than Whitebeard's group. They were armed with daggers and short scimitars. Armor was non-existant for that group.Clothing was dirty and simple all wore vests or were shirtless.With long unkempt hair and shaggy beards they gave off a hobo vibe. Two men at the back were better dressed they way they comported themselves told me that they were in charge. They were not yelling or attempting to posture with the bravado that was exhibited by the hobos but they gave off a palpable menace. War Daddy eyefucked them hardcore. The man to his right blew back a kiss then said something to his cohort.
BB where are you?
Still with bacon master. Fatboy what's up?
Shit looks like it's about to go down get ready to run if you need to.
Of all the rotten luck we run into Golden Pot. The quisquiliae, may they be packed in the salt they sell then left to desiccate atop a mountain of shit and redflow waste thought Eustace. Few people made him swear in the Prima but Alexandros Mentula Des Sodius of Steenq , full of self importance , instead of following convention of a Given name then a surname of his trade like most commoners the pompous ass decides to give himself two names in the Prima which he clearly is unlearned of because it could be read as salty dick or unwashed penis if interpreted literally. Wharf thugs that managed to practically corner the salt trade a decade ago the “Mentulas” were still rough but the rumor mill runs that they had ties to the Empire and were actively working for them as spies. Eustace could even respect that to a degree but “Alexandros” known before as Steenq Town Thomas was a brown- toothed, boorish,and vain brute. He lures workers into his salt pans with empty promises. Plying them with rotgut and whores afterwords he gives them a line of credit at a gambling den. Shortly these young men are in debt that they can never get out of. The younger and handsomer the man the more likely he would end up as a rent boy to be turned out for every sailor on the dock. Whenever his usefulness ended there he might end up in a stewpot in the gaming house. The man's son was here and that is what made him think of Thomas.
“ Why are the Mentulas on the road to Inaard?” questioned Eustace with a polite even tone.
“None of your business shitbreath didn't realize we needed permission to walk the roads.” retorted the one with the greasiest hair and a spotty white birthmark above his right eye. I'll have to ask Gnasdt when I get to Steenq. I prefer the gnome over “Alexandros” "Goosebumps" Gnasdt loans money at simple interest and he can get you practically anything you are looking for. If you owe him the shiny you'll pay him on time or else things you own just start disappearing. If all else fails he'll put you on a boat running blockades until you are settled up. Few borrow more than once from the gnome because he's damn scary when he needs to be. Might ask the gnome to send this turkey on a vacation. Thought Eustace with sick pleasure on his mind. Imagery of Gnomish hospitality making him grimace.
“ I am wanted by his Lordship's son. We are to attend a Feast of Orion. We will go hunting for the giant red stags and wolverines.” replied Martinimos while tossing his hair. Now I know for sure that the lord's son was spoiled trash. Judge a man by the company he keeps. Eustace filed this information away for later.
“ Road too dangerous for a mage to travel alone? You must have cleared out your father's pleasure palace of security and took his best earning whore with you.” Stephan said sarcastically with a twinkle in his eye. Martinimos turned red faced and Spotty drew steel. “ I'll stab this fool and fuck all his holes after I'm done just say the word bossman.”Spotty spat.
“If I am not mistaken that's The Corporal I saw him at the Pig Parlor in Inaard. You know No Teeth Norman, Falsetto Frank, and Shitty Bill the Ass Bandit?” asked the other man in the back.
“Yeah all those guys are tough cobs in a fight. Where is this story going?” Spotty wanted to know.
“The Corporal was having a short beer waiting for a courier or so I was told later. He had a burlap sack on the bar one of the waitresses gave him a wink when he pinched her ass. He asked her if she ever saw an opal as big as a brandy snifter. She asked what a brandy snifter was. He said he didn't know but figured it had something to do with brandy whatever that was. So he opened the sack to flirt with the barmaid. The three aforementioned hard cases saw the gem. They made a play for it. The Corporal kicked Frank in his giblets putting him out of commission seeing as he had out a knife. See how his nose is busted to shit? Everyone thinks it is a good idea to go at the nose. Norman hit him in the nose with a billiard ball. It has been broken some many times the fucker has no feelings in it. Shelia of the Merciful Maries has a standing order to leave his broken bones untreated at the temple. The Corporal takes the gem across Norman's jaw. He followed Norman to the floor. He repeatedly hit the man in the mouth until his jaw practically powder. Shitty Bill thought it was a good idea to run. Even with a full head start Bill got caught The Corporal kicked him in the ass. His aim was dead on unfortunately his boot got caught in Bill's asshole. When the Corporal pulled his foot out Bill shit all over himself. To this day Bill is prone to shitting on himself at odd times. The Corporal went back inside ordered a brandy to celebrate and to check the veracity of the claim that the opal was the size as advertised. A man showed up and took away the sack. The Mercies arrived to bring the three to temple. Guarda came later to arrest the Corporal upon figuring out all the details the bounty on the three was more than enough to pay his fine. His remainder was enough for another small beer. Which he ordered and drank.”
“ What the fuck purpose did that story serve Velour?”
“Just a word of warning as to what happens to people who peeve the Corporal Some of these men with him have varying degrees of infamy. Dennis the Dag, Iron Peter, Peeter the People Eater and The Bastard of Ballentryte. As someone who makes a living with my manholes and my giblets I can't go risking my ass-sets. Please Martin sweetheart let's kiss his ass then get on our way to the Feast.” Velour said batting his rather long eyelashes
The best dressed man then spoke with gravity to Eustace and Stephan while looking them in the eye.
“ My father sends his regards Eustace he wishes you'd think about working for him. He said you were a cagey fucker with balls as big as his. If you ask any whore in the city they'll tell you nobody has larger or more deformed sack or is a worse lay than Alexandros Mentula. Machismo I think that is what they call it in the south. My father gives you much respect” Martinmos continued “ My men are rude and I am no better. Please ignore the fact you saw us and in the future let's endeavor not to cause further indemnity between our businesses.” he extended his fist horizontally in from of him.
Almost like night and day I would swear his mother was fucking anyone but his father prior to his conception.. No way Thomas and this young man share genes. This fellow obviously has the brains to be able to read and a capacity to think critically.
Eustace's opinion was changing slightly about Martin.He extended his own fist to touch Martn's.
“ I would offer that your father's sack is famous even in Inaard and that he is too flattering. I wouldn't hesitate to say Th-Alexandros is far more astute in judgment of personnel to send on a politik trip than my own guild. He is a man worthy of respect and that many have grossly underestimated him to their detriment.” Eustace said lying through his teeth and smiling his “Empire” smile the one he practiced for weeks before his fall from grace.
“I don't like Steenq Town Tommy. I refuse to play up to his megalomania. I will not address him as Alexandros if the bugger wants to lick ass in the Empire then he can go tongue all the horses there. I fought the bastards for half my life. If he wants to practice licking ass he can lick mine before he goes to the horses.” Stephan turned on his toe then walked back to the cart before there was any kind of rebuttal from Martinmos. Spotty yelled and made the charge at the Corporal after he had gained some distance with his back turned. The Corporal dipped his hips low and came up with a smash aimed at Spotty's under chin after he had over extended himself in an attempt to stab Stephan's neck. It connected and Spotty got laid the fuck out.
The Corporal reached down to check for a coin purse and found it. He took out a couple of tin pennies and threw them down on the man's chest. Standing upright straddling the man Stephan dropped his own trousers and pissed on the man's face. Lacing up his trousers then putting the coins from Spotty into his own purse he walked away. He barked at the two Peters “Hey motherfuckers we got shit to do. Quit trying to stroke each other's cocks. They got a bonafide rent boy in their party and a cock gobblin preening piece of new money shit traveling with them, they are set. The rest of you arseways side- breeched birth- mongoloid- shit breath- mooseknuckled- cunt nugget- semen farting- pube heads need to get this camp broke the fuck down and on the road in ten minutes... with all due respect Eustace that goes for you too you geriatric, great grandmother sheep shaggin, smegma tasting, timetable bitchin muff blasting...-”The Corporal's men broke into action.
Martinmos was smirking. “ I take back what I said you win.”
“What exactly did I win?” asked Eustace genuinely puzzled.
“Your man is ruder than all of mine put together and I am sure he is more dangerous. If he wasn't so disrespectful and more flexible he might have advanced past corporal. So all in all Eustace your men ar both better and far worse than my own.
BB looks like the party is breaking up. Is Bacon Miester taking you in his wagon or are you riding with me?
I think I'll hop on with you keep you out of shit.
Somebody has to when I am not around.
Now you want to talk to me bitch?
I figured I give you some time to absorb and to mull. Have you given any thought to building a shrine for me? How about making an offering huh? Do you not love me anymore?
She is high maintenance fatboy. But dammnit I think she's worth it.
Maybe BB could be your high priest or some shit Carmen.
With that thought finished I heard War Daddy whistling for my attention.He took a small sack tied to a leather thong then draped it over my head. BB and I sat down on the wagon which our irritated driver mounted and we continued on the road.