My mother had been right.

Every step I took on the climb back to my room, the thought of dropping to the stairs and laying there until I became one with the stone tempted me. They could not be that uncomfortable. Even if they were, I was certain I could stand it. I had lain in a much worse place before. Forcing myself to raise my boot and continue was not because of my discipline or indomitable will. All that drove me forward was the fear of being found. It would more than likely be Anna who stumbled upon me, and she would not leave me where I lay. She would say just the right words and the sight of her would make me just happy enough to convince me to carry on.

I did not fear that happening. Most of our relationship had been some manner of that exchange. I feared what it would do to her on the inside. Behind her dark eyes, beneath her beautiful face, It would hurt her and I would be the cause.

Giving into the weight I carried meant bringing her pain. I also carried the responsibility to prevent that.

Until the next Mother ripped me away again, at least.

Until then, I would do my best to pretend.

The guards had no longer been standing in the hall when I reached the top floor. Would they tell their counterparts about the state they had seen me in? There was not much for them to talk about, all I had could be covered with one of my skinny arms, but they had still seen me. The thought had not lasted long. It was just the newest regret in my life that I could not undo and was powerless to control.

My mother had been right, I did need to rest more. I could not be reminded of my lack of freedom if I was unconscious.

I opened my door and found Anna sorting through the new stacks of books she had returned from the city with. She dropped the one she was holding at the sight of me and hurried over excitedly.

“I got you something.” She said, reaching her hands out to touch me. She hesitated before turning away and pulling open the pearl pink canopy around my bed. With a wide smile on her face, she held up a dress. It was white and nearly identical to those that hung in my closet. The difference was in the sleeves and the length.

“I know the pants weren’t really your thing. I found it in a bunch of colors, but I thought you would like this the most.” She said, holding up one of the long sleeves to show me that they were long.

“I. . . You shouldn’t have.” I muttered, suddenly aware of the fact that I had not bathed in over a week. It was perfect. I had grown comfortable in my dresses just the way I had with Arthur’s sweatshirt and the long socks. When I put them on, they had felt like part of me, as if they were the only thing I could ever wear. Mother Azza had taken that from me as well. If my skin had been covered when she had buried me alive. . .

“You mom bought it. So, she shouldn't have. All I did was pick it out. Do you want to try it on?”

No. You don’t deserve it. The thoughts were loud in my mind. You don’t deserve them. Go lay down. Go lay down and wait until you are taken again. Don’t bother them. It will only make it worse when you are gone.

I did not answer her. Being given a gift from her, it made me feel. . . guilty. How could I return her kindness when I did not even know how to buy something? It was not a debt, but there was an imbalance between us that continued to grow. She was a constant source of all that was good. I was a void that took what she gave and offered nothing in return.

“Autumn?” Anna asked, worry beginning to mar her face.

Pretend. For her. The thought came quickly and felt heavier than those that had come before.

“Uhm, I think I should shower first.” I said, touching the ends of my tangled hair.

A little light came into Anna’s eyes. “That’s a good idea,” Again, a small moment of hesitation passed over her. “Do you need-can I help you? I mean with your bandages or your hair, I’m not asking if I can take a shower with you. Unless, you want me to. . . I will.”

I had become so weak, so fragile, that it seemed like she was scared that I would break apart if she said the wrong words. Being out of bed and walking around only made more moments for that apprehension to come to her surface.

I could not blame her, it was probably true.

Still, I swallowed my desire to ask her about it and continued pretending. “If you want, you could do my hair.”

“Of course.” She nodded and laid the dress back over the bed.

A moment passed, feeling like both of us had more to say, but neither of us spoke.

With a sigh, I turned away from and dragged my feet to the bathroom.

I left the long boots leaning against the door and undressed, keeping my back to the mirror. With my eyes closed, I unraveled the bandages from my arms and legs. Then, sightlessly, I stepped into the hollow marble column. I felt around with my hand until I was sure that I had grasped the right chain and pulled. Hot water pounded down onto me and forced the tension I had not realized I was holding to release. My hands found my hair and I ran my fingers through it, separating every tangle I found. I turned my face up to the water and let it beat against me, beginning to feel better than I had in too many days.

Then, I fucked up.

For a split second, I blinked against the water dripping down over my eyelids.

Jagged, pink, swollen, I saw one of the wounds that had not closed on my left thigh. Bright against my pale skin just below my hip, the sight of it sent the rest of skin crawling. A momentary memory of when I had sat up on the kitchen table and seen my skin regrowing over my ruined flesh came.

I shut the water off and stepped out of the shower with my eyes clamped shut.

I wrapped a towel around my waist. Then, a second around my chest and under my arms. The third, I threw over my shoulders and crossed my arms so they were completely covered.

Before, I would have blushed violently at the thought of Anna in the shower with me. In my cloak of towels, the thought of it made me want to find a very dark place to hide. If I could not stand the sight of my scarred body, I could not expect her to feel any differently. Rivulets of water dripped down from my hair, but there were no more towels for me to use. Eyes still closed, I reached up and placed my hand at my hairline, meaning to dry my hair the way I would after I had come out of The Well. When I went to focus my aura, I could not find it. There was no power teaming within me, not a wisp or a glow, only a hollow emptiness that seemed to have no end.

That is what she took, Autumn. She took your soul.

Tears flooded my eyes and a sob shook me.

I took a deep breath and held it in my lungs.

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I refused to let myself cry, all that would come from it would be tired eyes and a runny nose.

Anna. Anna is good at making you not cry.

Draped in my cloak of towels, I left the bathroom at a pace that would have been beyond me just a little while before. When I stepped into my room, Anna was laying on the bed with her head hanging off the end of it. She held a book open in front of her face. Her raven hair hung down to the floor and she seemed perfectly comfortable. Framed by the parted pink curtains hanging from the canopy atop my bed, she looked like she was made to be there.

I had been made to see her.

Yes, Anna was good at making me not cry.

The best in fact.

The burning in my lungs reminded me that I could not just stand and stare at her, I still needed to breathe.

A harsh exhale and long inhale later, I walked over to the desk that was piled high with books. The stone floor felt strange on the bottoms of my bare feet after so long in bandages, but the fact that I could feel it all was welcome.

“What have you been reading about,” I asked Anna, picking up a book whose spine was cracked and the title faded. “The Rise and Fall of the Northern Kingdoms?”

“That one is really interesting,” She said, putting her book down and stretching herself out of the chair and using the momentum to walk over to me. Again, just like the day before, something caused her to hesitate. “It was written about the northern kingdoms, but none of the places they talk about are still in the north.”

“Huh.” I said, not understanding why Anna had suddenly become so interested in the geography outside of Zenithcidel.

“If you don’t want to talk about it, tell me to shut up, but have you ever heard of Splits?” She asked.

As a matter of fact, I had. From a strange perspective, I had lived through one not long ago. Surprisingly, I did want to talk. The light in her eyes, the tone of her voice, the books had brought something out of her I had never seen before.

“I’ve been through them, in The Well.” I answered her. There was a distance between us. The physical space was small, but it felt larger than that. It felt like she was scared to so much as brush against me without my permission. I knew that she was following my lead, she had told me as much, but it did not feel the same. If it was before my punishment, we could have been standing exactly as close together and it would not have felt the same.

“Okay, I definitely want to talk about that! But, apparently, all the kingdoms in this book,” She tapped the cover of it with one finger. “The ones that survived at least, are all somewhere in a mountain range in the south east.”

“Are you scared to touch me?” I asked her quietly, putting the book down.

There was no misunderstanding. By her reply, I knew that she knew that I had noticed her hesitations.

“I’m not scared. You’ve just been through-” She started.

I grabbed her hand and wrapped it around my waist. She pulled me into her and we were quiet for a moment, each of us looking down at the stacks of books. Being close to her was not an act. I did not have to pretend. A brief moment of genuine happiness came over me, the first since my punishment. I belonged there, in her embrace. I knew that to be true in the way that I knew the choker was still hanging around my neck.

Then, the vision of a black gate standing ready to take me to somewhere horrible came to the front of my mind. It was a memory, a reminder, that it did not matter where I thought I belonged. I would be only where The Mother’s allowed me to be.

“So, what have you been reading about?” I sighed, making myself leave my dark thoughts until I could crawl into bed and pretend to sleep.

“We don’t have to talk about this right now, and you better stop me if you don’t want to, but I’ve been reading everything I can find about The Mothers.”

“Why?” I asked, not understanding.

“What’s that old saying? Something about knowing your enemy?.” She answered, some of her mother’s steel in her voice.

“The Mothers are your enemies?” I leaned into her further, barely holding up my own weight.

She did not waver. “Something like that,” She nodded. “When you feel better, like all the way better, I’m going to help you figure out how to keep anything like this from happening again.”

I didn’t speak. I let her hold me and spent the next several moments desperately wishing to believe her. Anna Lao meant what she said, doubly so if she had said it to me, but the punishments would be happening again. Eight more times, eight more times I would be ripped away and sent to bear witness what The Mother’s hatred for me manifested as. Learning about my punishers would only make me dread what was coming more. I would not survive feeling any worse than I did. I would run. I would run and leave everyone I cared about behind to deal with the repercussions.

My mother entered with rolls of clean white bandage in her hand.

“I’ll go make us some lunch.” Anna said, giving me a gentle squeeze and heading for the stairs outside my room.

I knew I wouldn’t eat, the thought of food made me feel sick, but I did not stop her. The less she saw of the ugly wounds on my body, the better.

In a strange way, I had come to look forward to my mother bandaging me. The routine had become well established and the small variations that were necessary did not disrupt that.

“You look like you feel much better,” She said, running her hand over my damp hair and succeeding where I had failed. “That is good for tomorrow.”

Mother? Mother Azza broke me. I thought as I dropped my bottom towel. All that I felt when I thought of my aura was that dark hollow emptiness. There was no reality where I told her that. Nothing good or helpful would come of it. All I would do is make her worry more for her runaway thief of a daughter. What had she thought I would be when I was born? She must have thought I would grow into a powerful and respected sorceress. How bad had it hurt her when the little autumn she had fed, bathed, and taught to speak, could no longer remember her efforts? How bad had it hurt her when she realized I would grow up to be nothing? There must have been long nights where the reality of future and my ignorance of the past weighed on her heart like a tomb of sand.

She started in with one long loop around my middle, drawing a line over The Mother’s damaged seal, just as she always had. The disrupted circle, a broken up red ring, was obvious, but she had never asked me about it. I supposed it wasn’t necessary. She must know about my color, but I was still surprised that she had not spoken to me about it.

Maybe the reason was because she understood what I had come to understand. The damage to the seal didn’t matter. I knew my place. If I woke up tomorrow with the power to break it completely and shape the world to my will, it would mean nothing. I would have that knowledge retaught to me over and over again.

“Why do you need me tomorrow?” I muttered, leaning back on the bed so she could make the little loops around my toes. She probably wished for me to explain to her why I had been lying to her from the moment my feet had left the mortal plane.

“Because you are an underwitch, and I need your assistance to heal what ails Mai Lao.” My mother answered me casually. She didn’t even look up from her work when she spoke. There was nothing in her voice to tell me that she knew she had just said something utterly ridiculous.

“I can’t do that. And, why aren’t you mad at me? Finding my color, I wasn’t supposed to do that.” I said, carefully keeping my arms crossed under the towel over my shoulders.

“Of course you can, you have just not been taught. If I happen to feel the need to explain aloud in great detail as to what I am doing and you happen to be in the room, well, no one can disagree with the process I take to reach an end.”

She looked at me then, her emerald eyes bearing the same mischievous glint that had been in them when she decided that we would be observing Amoranora.

“No, I mean it is forbidden. ” I said, not saying the full truth of my objection aloud.

No. Mother Azza took my soul from me. I can’t.

My mother stood and pulled the towels from my arms and shoulders. Gently, she passed her hand over one of the scars that I refused to look at. “So was this, but I found it necessary. I find you assisting me with Mai just as necessary. I am not mad at you because there is no reason for me to be mad. I knew much of what you were keeping from me already. The spirit was a surprise, but little else. I knew that you would come to me when you were ready to share. We will discuss things eventually, but those with power like we have are bound to use it for good, healing Mai is our first priority. Besides,” She gave my arm a gentle squeeze. “I have my own secrets to keep now.”

You have no power.

“How did you know?” I asked her, unable to focus on anything else.

She smiled. “Because I am your mother, my little Delpha. It is my duty to know.”

She was my mother, and she had been right.

I had needed to rest more.

After she finished with my bandages, I crawled into bed without putting on Anna’s dress.

Somewhere after, I fell asleep.

Beyond waking briefly when Anna crawled into bed next to me, I slept straight through the day and night.

When I woke early the next morning, I turned onto my side and felt Anna’s shape fit to my back like we were made for each other.

For a brief moment, I felt like all was right in my life.

Then, I shifted closer to her slightly and felt the stone hanging from my throat brush against my collar bone.

Sleep came for me again, but it brought visions of molten golden eyes and long slender fingers along with it.