“We’re sitting ducks if we don’t get moving,” Harris informed Eli quietly.
It had been two days since they’d found Tam asleep near the stick he had made dance.
Evidently he’d used too much power.
They’d decided to wait instead of having Eli carry him, but if he stayed asleep for much longer, it could become problematic.
“No one knows exactly where we are, they don’t know how quickly we are moving, and the army was already spread too thinly before we left. It’ll be fine.” Despite the vehemence of Eli’s words, there was a stress behind them that the Daxarian duke could hear and interpret perfectly well.
He didn’t respond just then, however, as they looked off to the distance to see Luca and Penelope attempting to skip stones off the frothing river. He glanced at his niece, and watched the cacophony of emotions that plagued her before turning back to the children.
“In a way, I always felt better when Fin had to go unconscious after using his magic.”
Eli’s head snapped round, her gaze boring into the side of her uncle’s face—though he pretended to ignore it.
“It made Fin feel more human. Like he wasn’t all powerful. He wasn’t perfect. He was just someone who was amazingly strong sometimes and amazingly weak during others. Like if he truly annoyed me, I just had to wait until he exhausted his power, and then a feather stuffed pillow could be his undoing, you know?”
“Do you often think of ways to kill your close friends?” Eli inquired with only the faintest hint of sarcasm.
“It’s a man thing. We consider how we kill all of our friends.”
“I don’t know that I believe that.”
“Suit yourself.” Harris shrugged. He waited another moment or two before springing into a new topic. “So what have you two been fighting about?”
Elie tensed at his side.
“That is not your business.”
“Of course it isn’t. But you need someone to bounce your thoughts off of, and who better than your favorite uncle?”
Eli emitted a soft grumble.
Harris smiled. “You’re persnickety like your mother, but your kindness? Gods know who you get that from.”
“I’m not kind. Even Penelope noticed that.”
“Mm. That’s true. A better description would be to say you’re fair. And decent. Kindness is a luxury and despite being a lady and a princess, you have not had much of that. At least not the type that counts.”
Eli said nothing.
“Did your mother ever tell you the details of my birth and uprising?”
“Yes.”
“Do you trust her version of events, or would you like the honest truth of it?”
Eli’s arms that had been crossed over her chest tightened around her middle, her fingers curling against her shirt sleeves.
Harris took her silence as an agreement. “I was a bastard. And not a bastard that was kindly taken in by his father. Or even one that was supported from a distance. As far as my father was concerned, he could care less if I lived or died. The only reason he left any road of possibility for me inheriting his title, was he never had a legitimate son. Only Marigold. Your mother.”
“That doesn’t count as a skip! It bounced off another rock!” Penelope’s indignant shout interrupted the duke’s story. Both he and Eli waited and listened to see if the children would manage the disagreement amicably or if intervention would be required.
“Did it? Oh. I didn’t see. Where’s the rock?”
“Aside from the one inside your skull in place of your brain? There.”
“Oh.”
Luca’s innocent response made Penelope’s shoulders visibly relax as she then proceeded to point to the subtle point of rock that jutted out of the river.
Seeing that the two were still managing to get along, Harris resumed his story.
“Marigold’s mother burned my home down. My mother died. And all sorts of events managed by members of the Daxarian court saw that I met the wildly difficult criteria for me to inherit the dukedom would be met. I lived as a mercenary for a while. In another duke’s household. As a soldier. As a knight. As a kitchen aide—Fin still doesn’t trust me to peel potatoes. I thought I made rather charming sculptures.”
Eli rolled her eyes, and Harris grinned while continuing. “Some of us don’t get the luxury of waiting for good times to find joy. Sometimes we have to make it ourselves. And I’ll be honest with you in a way I have only been honest with my wife and children because you are family, and you desperately need family.”
Eli’s eyebrows twitched in response, but she didn’t object.
“I’m angry. I’m so damned angry at so many people. It’s so easy for me to be angry because I’ve felt it more than a normal person should. And you want to know what pisses me off the absolute most? When people get mad at me for making a joke.”
Eli rounded on him, most likely prepared to argue on why humor had a time and place, but the foreign look of iciness the duke allowed on his face stopped her.
“I get mad at people who don’t recognize I’m doing the best I can to cope with how I’m feeling. Or the ones that think the best way to handle things is to be angry and hateful and unkind. To be quite honest? I’m constantly angry.”
Eli’s breaths stuttered, and the duke noticed it. He knew she empathized with how he felt… He could see it in her eyes. Despite the lack of warmth in the moment he could feel a deeper connection building between them.
“I still love, and I still try to be better every damn day. But it’s harder for me, I think, than it is for others. It’s hard to let go of what has been said and done to me. Because why should I? There are people who need to pay, and injustice…? Gods. It makes me want to rip apart the world.”
Harris felt his throat start to close. He hadn’t had this sort of conversation in a long time…
“If I try to be funny? Or try to find the joke? It… It helps. I’m looking for good. Not looking for destruction. It’s my way of looking for a way out of my anger. It’s just something I have to live with. Despite the efforts, I know I’m a quarter of the man I should be. Especially for my boys. I descend into chaos with their mother because she is the same as me. Angry. And we find comfort in chaos—even though we both are working day in and day out to be better. It’d be unhealthy if it weren’t for the fact we are both working to help each other and be supportive of healing our anger.”
“Do you ever take your anger out on your boys?” The hardness in Eli’s face made Harris turn a somber look to her.
“Over my dead body would I ever lay hands on my boys. Same for my wife. My wife and I will fall apart in anger together about the world. Never toward our children. But they have ears. And they see what we are… Children have glimpses of clarity no adult can rival.”
“I also heard you traumatized some cows.”
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“That was unfortunate. The poor animals…” Harris trailed off with a wince before continuing. “Look. I can tell, Tam makes you feel safe, and happy. It’s good. You have found solace in each other, but I also know that when you have even a small fight, it can feel much deeper on your side. That it’s easier to feel angry, and to stay angry.”
Eli was quiet. She weighed her next words; her jaw moving as she did so. “I… Tam… Tam says if Penelope has lost her family he wants to adopt her.”
Harris’s eyebrows shot upward, but the rest of his face was still. Mildly surprised, but not entirely.
“I know… I feel… Toward Luca… I can be a mother. I feel close with him, and I feel a bond. I thought about stepping into that position for Luca for a long time. It wasn’t easy. I don’t… I don’t think about having others close to me as easily as most.” Eli let out a breath and dropped her head, her arms unfolding as she instead clasped her hands together. “Logically, I know I’m perfectly reasonable in not wanting to choose to parent another child. I’m not even married or betrothed… I’ve just started being… With Tam I—”
“No details. Please.” Harris held up his hand and cleared his throat.
Eli gave a brief half smile of relief before continuing. “It’s new. With Tam. And yes, I’m angry. But I’m also broken, and I barely know how to be good in a relationship let alone a mother figure to two children. One of which may be the devil, and the other who has enormous trauma. While I know it’s logical that I’m hesitant, I feel especially guilty because Penelope is like me. I don’t want to be like my mother. I don’t want to turn away and be cold toward her. Hell. I even shouted at my mother before all of this about how easy it was to love a child… Right now, though? Gods, I’m just… A damn hypocrite. A horrible person.” Tears of frustration welled up in Eli’s eyes.
Harris stared at her. His own eyes warming. “You aren't a horrible person. Even if you were to choose to walk away now, you would not be a horrible person, Eli. You would be cruel, but cruelty can be kind in the long term. Better the children and yourself don’t suffer your regrets and resentment. You wouldn’t be like your mother for choosing to leave. Your mother chose to have you. You merely chose to be in a relationship with Tam and his illegitimate offspring who may be the sweetest devil spawn imaginable—-Honestly. Kat’s children and my own make better candidates for the devil. It worries me at night.”
Eli choked on a laugh at that.
“Tam needs to consider you in this decision. You signed on for who he was and his son. Which was already magnificently kind of you. But if he pushes adopting Penelope on you while you are partners, he is in the wrong. You are not.”
Eli took a shuddering inhale. She couldn't bring herself to speak, but she did nod.
“Tam wishes to be kind. But as I have long since believed, be kind to your home first, and then if you can spare the luxury of kindness elsewhere, spend it. Penelope will be put with a loving home should we be unable to find her family. She will be well looked after no matter what the choice.”
Silence rested between the duke and his niece. A thoughtful, timidly warm quiet that eased some of the tension in Eli’s posture.
Harris couldn’t resist a small smile. “You know… Daughter’s are… the greatest challenge and accomplishment.”
Eli laughed and turned imploringly toward Harris.
“People like to say women compete with each other naturally in order to be appealing to men, but you know what my wife clarified for me?” Harris was glowing at the mere mention of his dear duchess. “Women are wildly critical of themselves, and so they hold other women to the same standards they hold themselves. They are as cruel to others as they are to themselves. Which makes them doubly more accountable than men. They encourage each other, yes. But they are quick to call fault. Whereas men will, for the most part, shy away from anything but joviality. Which makes us pleasant company, but troublesome partners and fathers at times.”
Eli eased herself back on the rusty rose wool blanket they had laid out on the ground for lunch a while ago. “You know, you would have enjoyed the study of philosophy here in Zinfera.”
Harris chuckled. “I would’ve made a great many philosophers quit their profession. It’s my wife who would thrive with them.”
“Is it wrong that I think Tam loves me more than I love him?” Eli asked suddenly.
Harris chuckled. “No. But remember this time. Because to be honest, love always changes. It grows and ebbs. There will be times you adore him more than the air you breathe, and he will love you, but more in a content way. Then there are magnificent moments where it matches beautifully and lo’ and behold you will find yourself with an army of children as a result. It’ll rise and fall. Effort is required, and thought, and struggles. And humility… All of it comes together to create the highest highs and the lowest lows of humanity.”
“You should write a book,” Eli noted quite seriously.
Harris snorted. “Ah. I’d fill it with terrible innuendos. I’m just sleep deprived, missing my wife, and a nice dose of moonshine. It’s making me strange.”
“You mean wise and endearing.”
“How insufferable.”
“Even your complaints are dignified.”
“Should I tell you the exact shade of red my poop has become? Will that break this awful streak of compliments?”
Eli laughed more readily than before. She looked significantly more at ease than she had before the conversation. “Thank you for agreeing with me about Penelope. I do like her. I like her a great deal, but I just worry empathy over trauma is the only thing bonding us.”
Harris blinked rapidly at this astute assessment. “Trust yourself. Tam is generous in love and wanting to help people. It’s the way of his family. Don’t hold it against him, but… It isn’t what is best for everyone. He needs to hear you. Really hear you as his partner. You are smart, and the way you proceed with caution is admirable. The Ashowan family desperately could use someone like you. Duchess Ashowan used to be remarkably good at maintaining some restraint in the family, but the poor woman deserves support or retirement.”
Harris watched his niece’s smile. Feeling perfectly pleased with his efforts, he sat back up. “I think I need to tell the kids that they need a flat stone to make them skip on the river.”
Eli rounded on him. “You didn’t tell them that when you told them to go skip rocks?”
Harris grinned. “I needed to have some bonding time with my niece. Is that a crime?”
“I believe I would be interested in seeing all official documentation you’ve contributed to the Daxarian court when we return to double check on things.”
Harris pushed himself up to his feet with a grunt. “Suit yourself! My wife will most likely be thrilled to have someone else nagging me to behave. We are sorely without daughters, you see.”
“I notice that the Ashowan family and your own all seem to be missing daughters,” Eli observed casually.
“Yes. Which means that we are destined for feisty daughters-in-law, or Tam will give us women to rule all of us—Which, you know. Whenever you feel ready, but us poor rambunctious souls most likely need some guidance time to time.”
With a scoff, Eli set off toward the children, leaving the Daxrian duke to stare after her before turning toward the tent they had placed Tam in.
Sighing to himself he found himself saying. “Gods. Just as your sister discovered she was much more like your mother than she knew, I bet you will discover you are terribly like your father. Wanting to do so much good even to a detriment to yourself…” Harris squinted against the sun back toward Eli, Luca, and Penelope. The backdrop of the mountains, forest, and river with the brilliant blue sky above something out of a heavenly visage. “I hope you can hold on to it, Tam. I hope you can find your peace. I don’t even think your father ever fully found that balance. But maybe, just maybe… You will.”