Tam, with every bit of self restraint he possessed, continued to suspend his previous activity of kissing Eli senseless, as she had yet to say a word to him about whether they should stop or resume.

However, with every breath he scraped together, the more obvious his next decision became despite how much he hated it.

Pressing himself off from the wall, Tam took a step back, leaving Eli slumped there on her own, her expression still dazed.

“Pardon me, I’ll… I’ll step outside for a while. You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to, and I won’t do something like that again. If you would like an apology, that will be as much of an answer as I’ll need. I hope you’ll understand my avoidance in the future.”

Then, he turned and walked away, even though his feet felt leaden and his heart was racing, he forced himself to give as much distance as possible from his assistant, and left the house entirely.

He did manage to stop in the courtyard, right beside Bong who sat with his legs crossed and his eyes closed facing the tree.

Tam didn’t announce his arrival as he took a steadying breath, and focused on the sound of the warm breeze rustling the budding plum tree, and the sound of the birds…

“Everything alright, Tam?” Bong asked peacefully.

“It is. I hope… But…” Tam let out an agitated sigh as tension bunched up in his chest. “I don’t know why I don’t seem to be as capable and cautious as I usually am.”

Despite his eyes still being closed, Bong smiled. “Have you ever wanted something for yourself, Tam?”

The future duke stilled, then squared himself to Bong and stared at his profile. “Of course I have. Who hasn’t? It’s why I have more books than shelf space.”

Bong finally looked over at Tam, a calm knowingness settled around his features.

“You’ve never wanted something that required you to open yourself up, or meant a lot to you.”

Tam didn’t answer as he frowned. That didn’t sound right…

“I used to be like you in a lot of ways,” Bong continued. “I believed I had to do everything in my power to live up to my father, or to even surpass him. I had the honor of our family to uphold, and I will one day have to manage everything.” The Zinferan sighed. “Since childhood I have keenly felt how little time I had to learn and improve. It seemed an impossible goal.” Bong’s eyes drifted thoughtfully down to the ground. “And then… One day, when I was twenty-three, after years of studying endlessly, pushing myself to a breaking point time and time again, I was running to one class or another, and I saw children in the street playing a game with a leather bound ball. They were so… free. I realized that’s what I wanted right then in perfect clarity. I wanted to feel happy, and unburdened. For the first time in my life, I found something to burn for that was only for myself. And so I had to think for a long time about what a happy free life looked like in my mind. For once not caring how others believed it should be.”

Unable to bring himself to say anything, Tam listened, identifying in many ways with what Bong was saying, only… he recognized that he hadn’t figured out what he wanted. He didn’t know what he wanted his life and future to be, only what he wanted to try to live up to.

“Luca finding you now, I think was quite by the hair of the Goddess. Fated. I think children in general are wonderful reminders to enjoy beautiful, simple things in life. Like a warm spring day outside.” Bong smiled and looked up at Tam, though he had to squint against the sun as he did so. “I also think you are working out how to provide a happy life for him, as a good father should, but you have no idea, because you have not made a happy life for yourself, Tam. But now that you are trying to? You’re going to find yourself making all kinds of exceptions to situations you previously may have handled more cautiously and capably.”

Tam turned over everything that Bong had to say, and slowly seated himself down beside him.

“I’m worried I’m making another person uncomfortable with what I want.”

“Eli would have said something. She is quite good at being blunt.”

All pretense of pretending it wasn’t his assistant Tam was talking about was swiftly abandoned.

“She’s in a tough situation and I’m in a position of power over her.” Tam shook his head at himself.

“From what I can tell you’ve made it clear she is welcome to tell you where she stands with you. Your fault lies in not telling her what meaning she has in your life.”

“I think she’s got the picture,” Tam added, meaning for the comment to be more to himself than Bong.

However, the Zinferan raised an interested eyebrow and glanced over his shoulder back to the house.

“Are you aware she suffers from significant trauma?”

Tam cringed. “I am. Which makes me even worse.”

“Your self-hatred is a waste of time.” Bong closed his eyes again. “Make yourself clear to her, and then adhere to whatever she wishes to do about the situation. As you have been. She may need more time to recover before she can even entertain the thought of a wholesome relationship. Assuming of course that is what you want.”

Tam gnawed on his tongue.

He was in love with Eli, absolutely, but… What if they simply were happier living their own lives?

Just because you loved someone didn’t mean you had to marry them.

“I’m already tired of moping and agonizing over this.” Tam reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. “She knows how I feel now, and that’s that. Thank you for helping me figure myself out, Bong.”

The Zinferan bowed his head gracefully.

Tam grinned down at the Zinferan and then recalled he he passed out face first in the dirt completely drunk the night before. “Honestly, after your escapades last night I thought you’d be in significantly more pain today.”

“I have spent a great deal of time out here trying my best not to vomit.”

“That makes sense.” Tam nodded. “Would you like to come inside for breakfast?”

“I can’t move yet.”

“Still might vomit?”

“Yes.”

Tam’s smile widened. “Would you like me to get you some water?”

“That would be appreciated.”

Laughing Tam clapped a hand on Bong’s shoulder earning the quietest of whimpers from the man before Tam stood up and turned back to the house.

He really was living a strange life where he was kissing his assistant one instant, in terrible inner turmoil the next, and then perfectly at peace again with his own lot in life all before breakfast was really over.

Upon re-entering the dining room, Tam found Luca and Jeong in deep conversation.

“Sorry about leaving like that,” Tam announced, drawing their attention to himself.

Both Luca and Jeong looked up at the same time, both looking more than a little curious.

“Is Eli alright?” Jeong asked worriedly.

“I think so. Though she might want to go shopping with Bong after all. She’ll let us know.” Tam reached over and plucked up the papers that his assistant had handed him before with information about the various tutors they might be able to hire for Luca.

“Luca what did you do yesterday?” Tam inquired as his son slowly started to inch closer to him.

“Oh, I… I helped Eli unpack your books, and we talked about what I might like studying…”

Tam gave an encouraging smile at Luca then looked over the tutors.

“Dad?”

“Hm?”

“Can I… go shopping with you if… if you and Eli are going?”

Tam looked up, momentarily stunned. “Is there something you need?”

“N-No.”

Tam glanced with an arched brow at Jeong but the man was allowing his attention to be completely captured by his cup of tea.

“I just… want… to spend time with you,” Luca finished awkwardly.

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Tam paused, then reached over and rested his hand on Luca’s head. “How about, even if Eli wants to go shopping with Bong, you and I go out, hm?”

Luca’s entire face lit up as he nodded enthusiastically.

Tam smiled, ruffled Luca’s recently cut hair, and returned his attention to the tutors.

All was peaceful, until both Eli and Bong stepped into the room.

Eli seated herself down beside Jeong where Luca had previously been sitting, which wasn’t the farthest she could sit from Tam, but it wasn’t exactly close either…

“I think I’ll go shopping with Bong today,” she informed everyone evenly, though she couldn’t look in Tam’s direction.

Tam masked his emotions the best he could and addressed Luca. “Guess that means it’ll just be you and I out today.”

Luca smiled with his mouth closed and his right cheek filled with the dumpling he had just shoved into his mouth.

Tam returned his attention to getting some tea, while Bong proceeded to down several cups of water.

“Sorry I wasn’t able to bring that out to you quicker,” he called out.

“It is fine. I didn’t give you much time.”

Tam smiled and reached for the cup of coffee he had abandoned earlier, but caught Eli staring at him discreetly and froze.

She looked away immediately.

While Tam’s heart started to sink he noticed that she actually happened to be blushing…

He wasn’t entirely certain of the reason for it, but… Maybe it wasn’t a bad sign.

*

Tam and Luca spent their day looking at the various vendors that revealed their goods on the street side. And once Tam had spent a good amount of money on the various snacks that Luca was interested in trying, he found himself relaxing in a way he hadn’t in a long time. He wondered why his magic wasn’t acting up, but whatever the reason for it, it was a blissful reprieve.

Staring up at the clear blue sky, Tam let out a breath that seemed to take with it years of tension…

He was outside on a beautiful day. No one was cringing away from him or whispering behind their hands, he already was right on schedule with making contact with the lords, he was gathering information, and…

He was getting to know Luca.

His son who did not like fish. In any capacity. Which was tricky when Junya was a seaside city.

Tam also learned that Luca liked the color red, and that he was really quick on his feet as he dodged and wove through the crowds between stalls.

Luca was conscious of people, but uninterested… His eyes followed food, toys, and even the buildings with their unique designs…

“Luca?” Tam summoned his son back to his side as he started to get a little farther ahead.

Once the boy was back by his side, still chewing on a chicken skewer, Tam asked the question that had occurred to him. “Did you have any friends in Daxaria? Back when you were living at the tavern?”

Luca paused, his carefree expression turning serious and wary.

“Not… really. I was either helping mother clean the tavern, or helping my uncle keep track of inventory…”

“Hm.” Tam frowned.

“Jeong’s my friend now!” Luca reminded with forced energy

“That he is, as is Bong, and Eli… But you should have friends your own age, too.”

His mouth twisting to the side, Luca looked disappointed.

“Is there a reason you don’t want to have friends your own age?” Tam pressed casually.

Luca busied himself with finishing off his chicken skewer, but Tam waited, and after Luca had disposed of the skewer in an outdoor oven fire, he eventually answered.

“I’m different from other kids. I don’t know.” He shrugged but there was an evasiveness in his answer and a nervousness around him as he shoved his hands in his pockets. A move that was a lot like Tam’s.

“Different how…?” Tam persisted.

“Well, I just…” Luca stopped, his chin lowering to his chest. “I have weird dreams, and… I can’t focus sometimes. I only talk to adults, I don’t know any games, and I didn’t have a dad, and… I’m just different.”

“You have a dad now, and it’s fine to get distracted. It happens to everyone,” Tam assured while also subtly directing their journey down a quieter side street.

“But I… I sometimes feel like a different person when the distraction happens.”

Tam felt his insides turn to ice. “How do you mean, Luca?”

There must have been something in his tone that frightened the boy, as he stopped in his tracks and shuffled backward uncertainly.

“I don’t know exactly… I just. Sometimes it’s like I’ve heard things before, or I feel some way because I’ve seen something, and it doesn’t make sense. Or… Or I suddenly think I remember something that didn’t happen…”

Tam ushered Luca to the side of the road where no one else walked and crouched down. Fear was crawling up his belly.

“Luca, what kind of things do you remember?”

The boy’s distress worsened. “I don’t know! Scary things, and they are like my dreams so I don’t know if they are memories or, or-”

Tam saw the tears in Luca’s eyes and without being able to help himself he pulled Luca in to hug him.

“It’s okay, Luca. I promise. I promise everything is alright… I just… It is really important you tell me as much as you can about this.”

“Why though? Mother said I shouldn’t! It scares people!”

“Because I… I might be able to help.” Tam knew he was lying, but… how could he tell Luca the truth? What even was the truth?

Was Luca the devil? But he genuinely didn’t seem evil, or conniving…

Did it mean that he simply didn’t remember he was the devil?

Tam pulled away, and did his best to put his own concerns away and just focus on Luca.

“I dream about… About big creatures and… I dream about people. Some of them are scary, and some I think are witches,” Luca explained with a warbling voice.

Tam listened seriously, though nothing of what he heard really helped shed any light one way or another. He opened his mouth, to console Luca, only…

He spotted something in the corner of his eye, and turned with Luca at the same time to see…

Eli. Strolling down the street, by herself. She had on a white shirt, and a pale pink skirt, her back was straight, her expression neutral…

She looked beautiful.

But that wasn’t what caught Tam’s eye.

There were two men following her that he noticed as she finished passing the front of the road he had just turned onto.

“Where the hell is Bong?” Tam stood up. “Luca, you stay right here. If anyone approaches you and tries to move you, you scream.”

“Okay!” Luca replied firmly, his previous moment of vulnerability passed as he, too, gauged the danger his father’s assistant was in.

And that was it. Tam was setting off in pursuit of them… His long strides easily closing the distance, though the two men pursuing Eli were gaining as well.

Seeing this, Tam felt his magic surge.

It was as though for all the peace it had given him recently, it was returning with a roar that had him internally scrambling to maintain some measure of control… But he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t fail to protect Eli.

And so he kept walking, even though he was relatively certain he noticed one or two people leap back from him in surprise…

He didn’t want to know what he looked like.

Though he strongly suspected his eyes had turned black just like Eli had described back on the ship when facing off with the pirates.

It didn’t matter. He just wanted to get Eli and Luca to safety, and hopefully, whatever happened, whatever amount of magic he wasn’t able to contain, it wouldn’t swallow him whole once and for all.