Chapter 34: The Monster inside this Room

In front of me was a door. It's a common brown walnut door, but not everyone could simply get in. The harder you tried to force yourself to open it, the less likely the owner would permit you in—rather--if you're not the kind of person they prefer, even a single attempt of forcibly opening the door would erase its existence for your entire life.

It was the same with shouting out, knocking on the door or anything that could disturb whoever was inside. Yet it all depended on whoever would try such.

As they revealed an entire door to me, it should mean they were assessing me, whether I was worth or not. They might try to notice the most subtle of my gestures, to see whatever fake acts I put.

Fine by me, I never pulled my punches. I started to ponder about many things while moving back and forth on the door's front. In my mind, I never cared whether the other party opened the door or not. Nor I fell at their mercy since I had to wait until they gave me the go. My own sanctuary was my mind. A lot of interesting things I could think about; preventing me from getting bored out of my nerves.

Without knowing how much time had passed, the entrance sprung open. To me, even if their assessment took a long time, it might as well already over in a flash.

Instead of walking inside right away, I inquired, to whoever was behind it—as the thing beyond was pitch black, bearing no signs of what's beyond.

Well no; that much already gave me a good amount of clues.

"Who are you?" I asked.

A creepy voice resounds from the door, at first it was devoid of emotion but as I listened on, it went all emotional and it kept regaining its human qualities. Still, I couldn't tell whether it belonged to a male or female.

"Why do you wish to know me? What business you have inside? I opened the door but I can't trust you. I don't know what kind of person you are."

"I'm just thinking if we're fated or not. Being alone for the longest time isn't especially pleasant."

"Then you're the same as me, but can you really handle my true self? Will you be disgusted? Will you judge? Will your prejudice blind every path you took to reach me?"

"That's a lot of questions. I prefer if you just ask one at a time, or at most two."

"No need to mull. I don't need words as the answer. Your actions determine everything and I will see fit whether you're the right person or not."

"You sure had a lot of trust issues."

"You're one to talk; for not once you opened your own door to others."

How did they know? Not like it's actually correct; at least the general idea was.

Seems like my door also appeared in their own perspective.

"Actually I did a few times, a long time ago. I had given up on it. I don't believe in chance encounters. I'd rather choose whoever I'd be with, instead of waiting for someone to understand me through Fate--or whatever bullshit people without any power kept muttering. If I still hadn't met someone, it's alright being alone forever."

"It sounds extremely sad."

"Not to me. Being freed from everyone that could hurt me was my greatest happiness."

"Are you so afraid of being hurt, since you hesitated to enter?"

"I'm just getting things straight. If you assess me, I will assess you. If you judge my worth, I'll also judge your worth. You may open the door but it's my choice to enter."

"It's stupid and childish to retaliate every single thing."

"Isn't it obvious enough I was just focusing on things that matter the most?"

"You do realize I know next to nothing about you?"

"I don't know, I'm terrible at reading others."

"In this case, we're very similar. The only thing in our minds is ourselves."

"That's not true, I find myself very boring."

"...but others weren't even worth thinking about?"

"That's right. It was pointless to think about those you know nothing about and it's not like thinking about them would make you understand them more. Most importantly, I don't think there's even anyone within my reach, that was worth making connections of."

"You forgot about me already?"

"How can I forget if I didn't even know a single thing about you?"

I was also not sure whether this encounter was worth the effort, as of this point.

"More like, you didn't even try to remember."

"I only want to remember things that are convenient to me. Like if you're a cute girl, or when you're with another cute girl and have some Yuri time together or.."

"Okay, I get it. You're a weirdo as well. It seems you're also pretty fun to talk to."

"I'm a very boring person to many. I don't talk to entertain you and I will just do things at my own pace.."

"Fine by me, I'll also do the same. Well, come in. I really respect that you do not intrude in my place when you don't even know anything."

"I still know nothing."

"No, this time--I felt I would accept—even if you wish to have sex with me."

Goddamn it.

"Nah, it was something dangerous. Just leave it be."

"What kind? I tell this wasn't your first time. Maybe your actual body was, but your mind was very perverted."

"Sex or even platonic romance makes me weak. It will create a bond which made us unable to live without each other. It's painful to let go, but the pleasure wasn't even worth it."

Not that I actually experienced it firsthand, but the stories others told me gave me the impression of a pain in the ass—and I wasn't talking about anal sex.

"Was it a matter of principles then?"

"I don't want to chain myself with anyone. I just want to live free without having to rely on anyone and satisfy my needs with my own strength."

Such as putting on Yuri googles.

On a more serious note, I just couldn't force myself to get along with someone if it didn't come naturally to me. I believe, one hundred percent sure, if we didn't attract each other by themselves, we're just not meant to be.

I despise that kind of love where I had to keep changing myself to become the person I wasn't, just to make the other party happy—while in fact, they probably wouldn't care about me and even went on to cheat with another man.

"..although you already had so many run-ins with that succubus? I could tell your love was extremely obsessive. Poor girl, your love was too intense she want you to--"

Again? It was extremely rude to pry into my door without me realizing anything. Yet, I didn't feel as angry as I should.

"Enough of this, I'll just go in."

What nonsense, she and I were only partners. She was convenient to have since she made me able to sleep well every night and have really pleasant dreams; sometimes I didn't even want to wake up and lay in bed all day. I want to continue experiencing such dreams.

It's not like I actually had done perverted things with her. Maybe it's in my mind only, yet I still wasn't sure whether she did exist or not. The idea of normal sex did not arouse me anymore, no matter how cute the girl was and how matching to my preference was her body—it was all about her personality and that succubus seems to become every kind of lover I wish to have.

As the day went by, it's like her entire existence were one with me, going even stronger, I could actually felt the trace of her all over my soul.

Did she really exist or was this just me escaping reality, since I had given up on love and I didn't wish to get hurt any further? Was I actually going insane?

Maybe it's not, since even with all the pain, overall it felt better than the past, where I used to have any kind of wasted hope toward others. The pain I felt currently was a joke, compared to me in the past.

There were lots, lots of hurts I didn't wish to remember. The pain of rejection of being different; the damage of putting my best hope, only to be disappointed over and over, without any kind of fairness I wish to be. I was pretty naive back then.

This world was unfair, yes. Yet, it's not like you have to go along and be unfair. It's a matter of principle.

..and my principle was about not giving a damn about those that in the end, wouldn't matter much.

...

I stepped into the dark room. As my entire body went in, the door closed itself tight.

"Don't worry," she whispered to me.

At one point I became comfortable with her, the once creepy voice turned all sultry and alluring. Akin to the seductress anime girls. It's like, she was trying to woo me all along while putting up a cold front from the beginning.

Who are you really?

Stepping into the light, I was greeted by a visage of mirrors everywhere.

In front of me, a black-haired girl tied in twin-tails laid sideways on the sofa, she eyed me seductively while slowly licking her lips. Her chest was pretty large, I could cup them entirely in my hand. Her sleeveless outfit with a latex-textured corset which displayed a nice cleavage, along with the gloves, with her garter belts visible to naked eyes was truly a feast.

It'd make me wet if she carried a whip and gently struck her sensitive spots with it—but it's just my wishful thinking. Seemingly noticing my lewd thoughts, her smile went even bigger.

She had heterochromia eyes of gold and blue and striped stockings of red-black motives, with her stretched long legs and her body taking the entire width of the sofa. The tiny top hat she wore on her head, seemingly fixed in place also add to her seductive charm.

"Damn it, out of all possible girls I think of, you're actually a yandere, a loli on top of that." even if she said such words, her eyes flared even more—I felt rather violated with her gaze. The tone was one of a joke rather than a serious statement.

"I'm not. As you can see, I'm just a regular guy."

I glanced down and my body still looked the same as always: of some plain young man who just looks very similar to just any other guy next door.

"Hoo...that is very interesting and just before, I was quite intrigued on how such a little girl could look at a monster like me with such lewd eyes. Tell me, my loli. What did you see me as?"

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Even with this conversation taking an even stranger turn, I began to describe her current appearance. Rather than turning ecstatic, the girl let out a frown.

"That's disgusting." an expected reply came from her.

"I could say the same when you think of me as a loli."

"True, it's very unbecoming of me to say this, especially when you know my true appearance. Before that, can you let this aberration touch you?"

"Huh? Well, sure why not. I don't mind when a pretty girl like you do it."

"I'm...not a pretty girl, at all. Although it's not true, I'm still happy."

For a moment there, I lost all my guard and approached her. Instead of her hand, I saw an invisible thing slithering all across my body.

"Feh! To think I'd be able to defile my precious loli...fetid! Bitter! Your flesh was completely different than what I imagined—begone!"

I was shoved a few meters away from the girl, whose voice began to turn into the once-creepy voice I heard behind the door.

Thankfully the shove wasn't very strong, I still managed to keep my footing.

"Wait a minute. I never said I didn't want to see your true appearance."

Her voice returned back to the same velvety tone as earlier, still, I saw coldness emanating all across the room, as she spoke:

"If I were already disgusted with your normal flesh, you'd be having it much worse."

"I don't mind. I have seen a good amount of screwed up things while I lived."

"Why must risk suffering so much? I don't need anyone to pity my real self."

"Why do you consider it as your real self and not the pretty girl?"

"I could say the same, again. Why are your real self the fetid guy and not the loli?"

"I don't know but no matter how much I think myself as someone I'm not, this loli included, I always came back to this form. This was the only one, whose sensation of flesh was truly real, although to be said, I wasn't especially happy in this body."

"We had one thing in common. I wish I was that pretty girl, but no matter how much I delude myself, I'd still be a monster. I guess we're just licking each others' wounds by seeing what we want to see the most in this world, filled with mirrors."

"....and it only works because we are blind. We did not wish to see things for what it truly is."

"To me, it's much better this way—what about you? Do you still want to see my ugliness? Let me warn you though—even if my actual appearance was like this, I still have my own feelings. If you act all disgusted, you'd be hurting me."

"On a second thought, no. I don't want my fantasies ruined."

"Good answer. Even if you want to see it, I will not let you."

"It's a given, after all, it's not a good thing to let others see--"

"That's not it."

"Huh?"

"For you to see my real appearance, I have to break this beautiful world of mirrors. Even more, I don't want to lose my precious loli, when I see you. I don't care about your actual self-suffering, but to see the sight of my loli breaking apart, it hurts me so much I'd feel like dying."

I let out a long sigh. The sigh of such a pretty girl saying something so heartbreaking truly wasn't very good for my mental health. I knew it was just my idealized vision, but I wish to embrace her so much right now.

"...no don't do it. Don't touch me..." the girl began to cry and wail.

I couldn't hold it anymore.

"B-Big sis, it's alright. You don't need to put up a strong front anymore; you can cry as much as you want; you can be selfish all you like."

Even if I plainly said this, it normally would embarrass me, when I think of myself as a loli.

Regardless of the girl not being her true self, it's a part of her.

The loli she saw in me was also one of my many parts.

As I waited for her cries to subside, still sniffling, she finally spoke to me; her eyes looking even more clear and focused.

"Thank you....but it's best if we didn't meet again. I knew from the very start I was lying to myself."

"Are you sure about that, big sis? I still want to know a lot more about you."

"I don't think there's any point if we could not even stand our real self when it comes to shove. I dislike a relationship like that."

"I will try to manage."

"What if you could not? Would you devastate my heart again, just like many others who were taken in by my so-called outer beauty?"

"Sorry, I don't think a selfish person like me could understand that."

"No, it's me who's at fault. I forced my ideals too much onto you when from the very start I watched you—the notion of chaining you down made me feel like the worst."

"...but you just couldn't stop and both of us complied anyway because we were lonely."

"Yes. So, before our relationship turned for the worse, I just want you to leave my life and never enter again. I hate you and the warmth you gave, even if it's fake, opened up many wounds of my past—when I still had hope for the others. Please leave and never come to me forever..."

"Can you answer me one last time then?"

"Yes, just this last time. Don't ask something that would make me long for you though—that'd be extremely cruel."

"Don't worry, it's just a harmless one: do you think you could change the nature of someone?"

Without even the slightest bit of pause, she answered:

"No, I don't think it's within my abilities. Even if I want to, everything would just crumble before the truth."

"That's a pity then...if only I had met you sooner, I wouldn't have suffered so much."

"..but if we didn't suffer so much, we wouldn't have met in the first place. We were bound due to the similarities of our Torment, after all."

"Well, I wonder about that. Fate can be very strange sometimes—not that I'd ever want to rely on it anymore."

"I don't think it was Fate in the first place, that we met. It's a matter of Choice. I choose to open the door and you choose to enter. It's as simple as that."

"There's some truth about that, but you have to take note on how I encountered your door in the first place."

"It's even simpler. You have the Key and it was your Torment. When you had the Key, you can locate the Door, but most of it needs a bit of an extra, in mine's case, it is me opening it for the supposed-to 'right person'."

"...and was I the right person for you?"

"I don't know, but at least I know you're not the wrong person. Now, off you go. It was great, knowing you. Now, we'll go on our separate ways."

The closed, brown walnut door behind me sprang open; revealing only darkness. Speaking of which, the said door reminds me of something I overlooked in the entire conversation.

"Before that, I demand another answer—how did you find my Door?"

"That's what I wanted to know—your Door—it showed up by itself in the middle of our conversation. I didn't even have to open it and the contents spilled inside my mind like torrents of water—I hate it—since the memory of your insanity became my own eternal chain; no matter where I tried to go, your Door would always be haunting me.

I thought the chains would disappear when you go away, but it only lodged in deeper. The more you go away, the more I longed for you. This was so cruel..."

"I'm not sure if apologizing was the right thing. This way, you wouldn't be alone anymore, right? Wouldn't you be with the loli (me) forever?"

"That is...."

"This isn't real life. I became my real self because it's the most comfortable thing to me. Even if I didn't like it, it's not like I hate it either. Do you love your true appearance?"

"No...in fact, I hate it so much."

"Then, change."

"How can you just tell me to change? It's my real self...I..."

"Are you a masochist? Do you suffer any pleasure in Tormenting yourself for all eternity? I don't. Remember, this wasn't real life, in here you could be anything you want. Do you love to be a pretty girl? Then become a pretty girl for me and I'd be your loli."

"..but if I change, then my own self I believed so far would be--"

"It would not. No matter how much you change, you're still you. There's no saying that your true self could not change no matter what and the world should accept it. What's most important—what do you really want in life? Do you want to love someone? Do you want to be loved?"

"Even if I tried to change so much, I'd just revert back to my monster self."

"I never said it should be done in one sitting. Just like me, you're damaged; you're broken. I need you to heal me and I'll also do my best likewise.

Let me tell you this: you deserve all the Love and Affection that you yearned for. It's not right for you to suffer so much like this.

You may be a monster, but it's not unheard of for them to be human again. I don't want you to make a choice—I want you here with me!"

"It's so unfair, it's not like you to be so selfless."

"Who said I'm selfless? I'm doing it because having you with me would benefit me the most. I will do my best to heal you since that way, I'd also be healing myself. I may not know what will happen when we reach that point where we could stand up on our own—it doesn't really matter now.

I just want us together, I don't want to be alone anymore. I may have the belief that chained me down, but I had enough of being hurt. As I help you change yourself, please help me to change myself."

"You didn't even give me a choice in the first place."

"I don't want you to have one, to begin with."

"In due time, that will change."

"In that case, do your best to change me."

Maybe reality itself was not the truth. It was simply something I saw in my perspective.

In that case, wouldn't it be alright if I indulge myself until I could stand up on my own?

What a pointless question.

It's not as if I would listen to any answer that didn't appeal to me—but this time, I had a feeling, it might change sometime in the future.

Hopefully for the better.