Chapter 20: Fed up of struggling with the true horror that is real life, I will do my best to level up!

I'm a person who follows my own heart.

When I heard about their concept of maturity and what they view as an adult, I outright rejected it. The word I hate the most among them was responsibility.

I did not wish to follow such a meaningless way of living.

The responsibility of getting a job and looking after myself, well I can understand it somehow, but as for marriage, raising children and giving back to society, I could care less about that stuff.

It was especially irritating when my co-workers kept telling me about marriage. I wish for them to just shut the hell up.

While the prospect of searching for the right person in your life might be a godsend for someone, I had no interest in it. Besides, I had things I love, it was enough for me to be fulfilled—isn't that enough?

Besides, for such needs, I still had my hands and there's porn everywhere on the internet. I didn't understand why people even consider whores in the first place, while I could just write a draft chapter for a hentai or something when everything else just couldn't cut it.

I had a dream to be an Author for perverted stories, like those in eroge and hentai manga. First of all, my fetishes weren't all that common and there were not often, such materials were able to satisfy my cravings, so I had tried honing my craft.

Yet, my family's situation was rather complicated. They're kind of conservative and forced me to work in a job I had no expertise of. The moment I mention something about doing my own stuff, they'd never give me a chance. It's either their own way, or they'd force their decisions by making your life miserable until you accept them.

It was kind of a given they would look down on professions such as Authors. Even when I said, I want to just take my time to learn my stuff I'm suited in, they didn't even give me a chance. I found it very strange, it's my own life, I've already graduated from college, I'm already an adult—oh wait.

At that time, I didn't even qualify as an adult. I barely even got it together. Yet, partly because of such unsupportive environment, I finally began to 'grow up'.

My gender was determined, my family was determined. A lot of the things in my life were determined by others and not myself. Yet, as I grew older, I notice, there were things where I could've made a difference.

As it already passed me by, it did not matter much, besides serving as a reflection.

I thought, maybe it did not matter whether my parents supported my decision or not. It did not matter if I currently had no power to pursue the life of my own dreams.

It might be a very long time before I could just write my own hentai or eroge and living the way I want, far away from the influence of my parents. Those wishes might probably not come anyway.

Still, I believe, regardless of what happened, I could make it either benefit me or led me into suffering.

.. and I had enough of such pain. I had enough of feeling powerless, that the entire world seem to conspire in order to keep me away from achieving my desires. I'm fed up of thinking, my own destiny was decided by some higher power, because apparently, I did not possess the talent or even hard work, or even willing to go the same path as the people who succeed.

So I decided to grow up.

When an adult tells you to grow up, without trying to understand your own circumstances—chances are--they're no grown-ups. The only answer they accept about growing up, was for you to follow their ideals.

....and isn't children also capable of doing so?

At the time we were just kids, we made to attend school, learn about society and follow the endless instructions through various assignments, studying and other activities. When we work, we also did things similarly: doing what others tell you to do.

From the very start and even in adulthood, following the wishes of our parents and some parents also did not wish to compromise in the slightest.

When you started a family, you were controlled by your wife and the desires of your children; going to work when you're not even feeling like it. Because it's your responsibility to provide for a family that might not even care for you in the slightest.

It wasn't much different than being a powerless child to me. Not able to make their own choices because of the circumstances. I do not wish to live in such a way.

What I wish more 'adults' would understand: everyone was different and they wish their children were all like the obedient top-achiever in class.

I wish they could try to understand the youngsters rather than forcing them to change just to fit their standards.

..but who am I to decide?

In the end, I wasn't standing up for these people. I wasn't even standing up for myself.

I'm just saying, I have no need for 'adults' like these to breed children or even shamelessly preaching that they knew about the right way for someone to live their life.

...but maybe their way was right.

If you could not get out of the mob mentality and choose for your own, you also deserve all this torment. Since you had no motivation to better your life according to your own ideals, feel free to keep blaming everyone but yourself.

It's not even your fault, because you did not even have the capability to pull yourself from the mess you made.

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If you could consider it your fault, then there's a hope to get better. In any case, those we did not acknowledge as broken, we did not fix. Except for others, of course. I did not know their true self, nor I plan to know.Even if I did, it's none of my business.

That was what I'd tell my past self if I got the chance.

Maybe, along the way, I had lost the passion for romance and to raise children because of my hobbies.

I love stories a lot, I really did. Enjoying them through different media like anime, manga and light novels, I could step into the shoes of the characters and experience a sliver of their experiences.

A lot of people might hate some stories because it made no sense and it wasn't how people act in real life, but I beg to differ. Real life, by itself, wasn't particularly exciting to me.

Not all people in real life had interesting characters; a lot of them I found rather bland. I probably didn't know them as much and I had no intention to know them either.

Stories did not necessarily adhere to reality at all. Not all characters should act based on what you desire.

It wasn't as important to me; I just want an entertaining story. I'd prefer this to the 'realistic' ones but were boring as heck. Even if a 'realistic' story could be entertaining, I'd just let my own preference choose. I prefer the absurd ones any time.

That was why I couldn't get myself separated from the stories. Whenever possible, I detached myself from real life.

Did you think I was ashamed of it? Definitely not.

Because I knew to what extent I'd bring benefit to me and how far could I take it before it starts to become destructive, unlike when I was engrossed in Mobage.

To me, maturity only means one thing, growing up from my child self. If you abandoned your childlike persona just to catch up with the adults, you could never mature.

Different from the actual body, the maturity of self was not affected by Time, but the things happening from it, but most importantly, the things you decide for yourself.

I found myself growing up after making such decisions as well.

My ideals stem from a very simple idea: to do things that benefit me, in a way that did not give me a hassle. In general terms, the gain I could get by the cost I could comfortably pay. Depending on the gain, however, I will not hesitate to go the extra mile.

I started out with my own childlike self and listened to my inner thoughts. To grow from here, I kept reforming my own belief. Without losing sight of who I wish to be, I acted in a way, in which every day, no matter the circumstances, I'd be the happiest I could be while suffering the least.

As for how childish my thoughts could be, it's better if you don't know. After all, I sometimes had a fantasy of having sex with giant cockroaches.

Though, it was easier said than done. To get where I am, almost a decade had passed and it wasn't learning to fantasize about having sex with cockroaches.

I could only say I had matured because life had been getting on the better side as the time went by. When I look back, my current life was happier than me during the school days and college days.

I use to regret my own choice, but not anymore, because, from the very start, I followed my own beliefs.

I made a lot of terrible decisions in the past, like starting to play Mobage. It took me so much time and it's all but chores and chores with no return. I regretted it even more because I actually spent money on it when I could spend it playing a good game and even buying snacks were worth more.

Yet, the me which drowned himself in Mobage were me at my own lowest point of immaturity.

Thinking the legendary card I drew from Gacha, made my past self feel like a Chosen One. Even when the game was filled with chores and very repetitive, plus it wasn't fun at all, I kept logging in every day—doing the missions and all the events without even a bit of break—just for the chance of more Gacha to feed my useless self-importance.

Until one day came when I were already stressed out and used my gems to pull another Gacha.

Not a single one was a good pull.

Plus, when I used the dupe cards I saved to star up my Heroes, even at 50% I failed three times in a row—and it's not even the first time such bad luck happened.

It probably wasn't much of a bad luck, but me at that time who firmly believed I was the Chosen and I had the right to get all the lucky pulls all the time, immediately rage quitted.

Who would have thought, that was the luckiest day ever in my life.

It gave me a much stronger push to not rely on Luck or any higher power out there. To rely on myself and to live my life at my own pace, instead of going in accordance to the Mobage. Compared to when my parents disproved of my dreams, Mobage gave me a slap so hard, I finally realize what things I had done wrong.

Maybe it was just me playing it too seriously, but the game at that time was on its terrible point and I do not wish to play anything like it again. Not with my current full-time job.

So, what about maturity?

The hell with it.

Just live your life the way you like, because you know full well, that everything's gotta be fine.

If I could give one advice: stay the hell out of Mobage—it ruined my life.

So, why did I tell you about this in the first place?

Well, it's not like I did it for you or anything. I just told my thoughts and shared it as a way for myself to grow. Please don't misunderstand.