"Maybe we can claim engine trouble?" mused Donnelly. "Let's see, if we claimed a plasma conduit break that would make sense. We wouldn't be able to move, but we'd still have power for life support. And we can say that some of the crew was killed, which would make it easier for them to board-"

"Assface," said Jack, "Will you shut off your nerd brain for a while and just fucking eat?" Donnelly came back to himself. Shepard had called all of the crew shifts at once into the mess for the big meal. Donnelly had to admit that it was great to not be eating out of a pouch for once. Even Jacob and Miranda looked to be enjoying themselves. The two of them sat off in one isolated corner of the mess, eating and talking softly to each other. Donnelly made sure to ignore them. The last thing he wanted was to get Jack wound up about Miranda again.

"So what is a turkey, anyway?" asked Jack.

Donnelly gave a little shrug. "It's a big bird from Earth."

"You're from Earth. You ever see one?"

"Of course," replied Donnelly. "We had huge herds of 'em, running right down the streets of Glasgow."

"Oh, man. I can't believe it. What is it like?"

"Well, the big problem is that they migrate seasonally. They aren't all that common in the spring, but they breed like bloody crazy once fall arrives. Then we have to stay indoors as the turkey horde comes through, right around late November."

Jack leaned forward with a fascinated look. "That must be amazing to see. Are they dangerous?"

"Oh, aye. They can strip the flesh right off of yer bones in ten seconds flat." Donnelly wanted to keep the line of bullshit going, but finally he couldn't keep the smile off his face. Jack saw his smirk and rolled her eyes. She reached across the table to slap the side of his head.

"Shithead. You should know better than to take advantage of a poor defenseless little girl who's lived on starships most of her life."

They finished eating in companionable silence. Jack managed to put away about twice what Donnelly ate. He still couldn't believe how much she could eat and not gain any weight. He knew it was due to the whole 'powering biotics' thing but it was still impressive. When she was hungry, Jack could give a krogan a run for his money.

That thought made him realize somebody was missing. "Where is Grunt?" he asked. "I thought he'd be all over a meal like this."

Jack raised one eyebrow. "He's down in his den, getting ready. He told Gardner that there was no way a mere human feast could satisfy a 'pure krogan's appetite'." She made little finger quotes in the air while still holding a fork. "I think our boy Gardner took it as a challenge. He told Grunt to get ready."

"I wonder what a krogan 'getting ready' to eat consists of."

"Probably banging his head into the wall and calling on his ancestors to watch over him during his upcoming bout of gluttony." Jack finished the last of her stuffing. "Aah," she sighed in satisfaction. She glanced around.

Everyone was now eating. Garder had put together some dextro-based fresh food for Garrus, and had even managed to find some sanitized quarian rations that weren't paste. They had run the airlock decontamination cycle a few times and now Tali was in there, happily ensconced in a sterile environment and eating her first solid meal in a good long while. Shepard was on the other side of the mess from Donnelly and Jack. He chewed his food thoughtfully as he stared off into space. His thoughts were clearly with Tali.

Jack looked at Shepard and shook her head. "This is ridiculous. We gotta get those two laid." She grinned at Donnelly. "You up for being in another conspiracy?"

"Oh, no," replied Donnelly. "We got away with that shite once. We try anything sneaky again and Shepard will have our guts for garters."

"It's not anything nefarious, dude. We just need to give 'em both a gentle nudge at each other, you know? I've seen how the buckethead looks at him. Give her half a chance and she'd pounce on him right in the middle of the CIC." Jack leaned back. "Speaking of which. I notice you've finished your meal too." She fixed him with a steady and particular look that Donnelly was coming to know very well. "And we've got eight hours left before we need to set up the distress call."

Donnelly took a swig of water to buy some time. "Ah. I guess we do. Wanna head back to my quarters?" He tried to make it sound casual. He was pretty sure that the upcoming sex (and it was very certainly upcoming) wouldn't be that simple. Jack got really...frisky before heading into dangerous situations, and she liked to experiment.

She showed him her teeth. "That sounds too boring. I think that I'll just have you wherever I catch you."

"I'm feeling kinda slow, lassie. I just ate, after all. What if you catch me right here?"

"Well, then the crew gets a free show along with their meal." Before he could reply, she shoved her tray aside and stood up on the table top. Everyone in the mess turned to look at her.

"Attention, my lovelies." Jack grasped the lapels of her leather vest, almost as if she was about to launch into a political speech. "This motherfucker here," she pointed down at Donnelly, "tried to feed me a line of bullshit about turkeys being dangerous fucking predators. I'm gonna take my revenge on him, and by revenge I of course mean I'm gonna fuck him 'til he can't walk no more. This has been your official announcement."

Donnelly sighed out and slumped a bit as if defeated. He uncoiled like a spring and launched himself off of the bench just as Jack leaped for him. He felt the faintest tug on one boot as he got himself clear of her attempted grab. He hit the floor and rolled inelegantly, then sprinted for the exit.

He heard Jack's yell from behind him. "Oh, you are SO going to get it now, Assface!"

Just as Donnelly ran into the hall, he heard Shepard's amused voice following them. "Don't break him too badly, Jack. I need him functional."

Donnelly punched the button for the elevator, but of course the doors didn't open and he wasn't about to wait around for them. He kept sprinting towards the door to Life Support.

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Shepard grunted with effort and set his end of the big carcass on the floor. "You know, I was wondering what the hell you had all wrapped up in the freezer. But we didn't have any crew missing and I really didn't want to open it up and take a look."

Gardner grinned from the other end of the skinned animal. "I got this at a really good price last time we were at Omega. I was planning to cut it up and portion it out, but then Grunt had to go and make his little comment. Hand me that blowtorch, willya?"

Shepard did so, and then glanced around. The crew had pushed the tables against the walls of the mess to form a circle. He noted with amusement that they were all sitting behind the tables as if to shield themselves from what was about to happen. In the middle was a lot of plastic tarps underneath a big metal plate. And, on top of that was what looked like some sort of skinned dinosaur.

"Um, what is it?" he asked Gardner.

The cook was in the middle checking the blowtorch. "This is a...aw hell, don't ask me to pronounce it. It's some sort of carnivore from Dekunna, the elcor homeworld. Big bastard, ain't it?"

Kasumi called from the sidelines. "Why bother cooking it, though?"

Gardner seemed almost insulted at the idea. "This is matter of principle! I've gotta make him something, not just shove raw material down his throat."

Garrus decided to back up his partner. "But Grunt doesn't seem to care about taste, just quantity."

Gardner beamed and nodded. "I've done a little readin', though. Turns out krogan taste receptors aren't anywhere near as senstive as most other races. So they never really developed spices and whatnot. And that means I get to use my secret weapon." He walked behind the mess counter and pulled out a glass jar with a very angry-looking skull and crossbones on its lid. He carried it over carefully to the carcass and set it down gently. He then pulled on a pair of very thick gloves and took a deep breath.

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Shepard scratched one ear. "Um, do I want to know what's in there?"

"My special spice rub. I hadda Cajun great-aunt on my mom's side. She passed down this recipe to my family. I sorta...zinged it up a little bit and substituted in some ghost peppers." He paused. "Actually, it was a shitload of ghost peppers, now that I think about it. I have to keep it in glass, 'cause it tends to eat through metal."

It could have been Shepard's imagination, but his eyes started to burn slightly as soon as Gardner opened the jar.

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"But why the blindfold, Battlemaster?"

"It's a surprise, Grunt. Humans like to do surprises for people they care about."

Grunt didn't know what to say to that. He could understand honor and loyalty. During Jack's kidnapping he had stepped forward to rescue her. But that was to repay the debt he had incurred during the battle on Horizon. He knew her true ferocity as a warrior; Grunt would happily go into battle against anybody with Jack at his side.

But did he care for her, in the sense that Shepard meant? Grunt realized that he didn't know the first thing about Jack other than her combat ability. It was something to ponder on.

The elevator came to a stop, and the door opened. The smell hit Grunt's nostrils and he took a deep involuntary sniff. This was a smell that hit some deep part of his brain. He felt a little rush of saliva in his mouth.

Shepard coughed a little. "Okay, I'm taking your arm, alright?" Grunt felt the human's hand at his elbow. He allowed himself to be steered out of the elevator and towards the mess. The smell grew stronger. This was an aroma that seemed to Grunt almost like a challenge. It was the first time he'd ever thought of eating as a battle. It was usually a simple matter of how much there was. But now, he realized that this particular meal might not be so simple. The smell was tantalizing, and promised untold pleasure...if he was brave or foolish enough to try it.

Grunt came to a stop, and Shepard removed his blindfold. He almost fell to his knees at the sight in front of him. The carcass was blackened and charred here and there. A little part of Grunt's brain was irritated at the other races' obsession with cooking. Why not just eat things raw? But there was also that smell, that wonderful enticing and above all challenging smell. Sergeant Gardner stood next to the carcass and smiled proudly. He made a little presentation gesture towards his creation.

"Grunt...bon appetit"

Gardner had to sprint for one of the tables to get out of the way of Grunt's charge.

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Tali took her time to savor this opportunity to eat actual solid food. She chewed thoughtfully and gave thanks that her suit's autonomic maintenance functions included keeping her teeth clean and strong. After all, it would have been easy for her peoples' usual diet of pastes to have caused quarian teeth to atrophy into uselessness. She chased another cube of meat with her fork and speared it. She brought it up to her face and regarded it with joy. The fact that she wasn't looking through a visor was also something to savor. This must be what the other crew felt like all the time. It was a a shame that they were too used to it to realize just how wonderful it was.

Just as she was about to take a bite of the meat, there was a knock at the airlock door. She then heard Shepard's muffled voice.

"Tali?"

She felt a happy little flutter in her stomach. "Y-yes? Is everything okay? Did you need the airlock for-"

"No, nothing's wrong. I just thought you could use some company. And Grunt's in the middle of demolishing an entire dinosaur, which isn't the most pleasant thing to watch. How's the food?"

"It's..." She trailed off. How could she get across to him the utter bliss she was experiencing? "It's amazing," she finally said. "I can't thank you enough, really, it's too much."

Tali heard Shepard's chuckle. "Thank Sergeant Gardner. Honestly, most of it was his idea. I'm glad you're enjoying it, though. Do you want me to leave you in peace? I can-"

"No!" Her reply almost came out as a yell. "I'm glad you're here. I may-" she couldn't resist and finally shoved the cube of meat into her mouth. She spoke around it. "I may ea' while we 'alk, if you don' mind."

"That's fine," replied Shepard. "It...I just can't imagine how your people cope with day-to-day life. I really do want to see the Migrant Fleet one of these days."

"Don' worry, I'm sure you will." She chewed a little. "Quarians have done lo's of research into AI, af'er all. I'm sure it'll be somehow useful for dealing with the Reapers."

"Yeah. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather have my visit be a social call."

Tali smiled to herself. "'at's a nice thought." She finished chewing and swallowed.

She was about to add something else when she heard a thumping noise from the other side of the door, followed by a loud "Excuse me, sir!" Tali could have sworn it sounded like Donnelly. The thudding of booted feet receded into the distance. Then she heard another thump, followed by the sounds of pelting bare feet and a yell from somebody who was definitely Jack.

"That's cheating, you fucker! I didn't say you could use the access tunnels!"

The sounds of pursuit faded away.

"Do I want to know what that was about?" asked Tali.

She could almost hear Shepard's shrug through the door. "Jack gets really...what we humans call 'horny' when we're about to head into danger. And Marcus is bearing the brunt of that." Tali heard the amusement in his voice. "I guess it's a good thing he's what Kasumi likes to call a 'big strapping man'. Otherwise I think Jack would have worn him down to a nubbin by now."

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Donnelly peeked around the corner. The doorway to Engineering was just visible. He glanced behind him and didn't see anyone. He let out a relieved breath and began to stalk around the corner.

And then, just as he thought he'd make it to the door, he suddenly found himself encased in a blue field and unable to move. Jack walked around into his field of view. "Checkmate, Assface."

She put her hands on her hips and gave a proud little grin. During the chase she had somehow managed to shed every bit of clothing that she'd been wearing.

At least he could still talk. "Where the bloody hell did you come from?"

"You're a typical Earth-born. You looked behind you, but you didn't look up." She gestured at the ceiling above his head. The stasis field vanished, and he stumbled a little. Just as Donnelly began to straighten back up, Jack snaked one of her feet behind his and tripped him onto his back. He went down hard on his gluteus, and immediately felt the weight of Jack sitting on his chest.

She regarded him with one raised eyebrow. "Well? Are you sorry for bullshitting a poor defenseless little girl?" She reached back with one hand and pulled up his shirt. Donnelly felt the tickling of her fingers as she ran them over his stomach.

"What if I say yes?"

"Then I will sit on your face, and if you're a good boy I will give you a treat."

"I'm guessing I don't want to find out what happens if I say no."

Jack pushed her hand down under his waist band and down into his pants. "That depends on how masochistic you're feeling. If you say no, I really will fuck ya 'til you can't walk." Her hand was gentle on his manhood, but he didn't want to test her patience.

"Well lassie, when you put it like that, then I am very sorry. I'm so sorumph-"

Jack slid forward and buried his face in her crotch. She brought both hands forward and twined her fingers into his hair. "Apology accepted, Assface. Now go to work...oh fuuuuck...yeah, I guess I...didn't need to tell you...twice."

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Garrus took a careful look over the table. He could just see the eyes of the other crew over the edges of their tables. Only Samara seemed to be unfazed by the spectacle. She was the only one out in the open, and sat cross-legged on a table while munching on an apple. The justicar had a fascinated look on her face, almost like she was watching a nature documentary.

"Is he...done?" asked Kasumi in a near whisper.

"Well, there's no more meat left. He's down to the bones. It must be almost over-" A huge cracking noise resounded through the mess. "Oh, nevermind. He's eating the bones as well."

Garrus saw Kasumi's hood also peek over the table just in time to witness Grunt sliding a long leg-bone down his gullet. The look of it, combined with the orgasmic look on the krogan's face, sent Garrus's mind right into what humans called 'the gutter'. He looked over at Kasumi just as she looked at him. Garrus could tell from her smirk that she had the same thought as well.

They both began snickering like schoolchildren.

"That gives me some ideas," said Garrus.

"I'll bet it does, my cutie. My place?"

He nodded, and they both slipped away. There were more cracking noises behind them as they left.

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Seven days at General Quarters, during which she could only use moist towelettes to clean herself, had taught Oriana the value of a nice hot shower. She wanted to get one last good one in before they started their attempt to bait the Collectors. She was still a little self-conscious about the communal showers, but she had managed to set aside her shyness after a while. All of the women ignored each other during showering, which helped as well. Another bonus of the communal shower was its automated laundry. It provided warm fluffy towels on demand, and was in Oriana's eyes the most wonderful machine on board the ship.

Oriana massaged her hair dry with one of those towels while reveling in the feeling of being actually clean. There wasn't anybody else in the women's shower and so she hadn't bothered to grab another towel to cover herself. She was walking over to her clothes when she stepped on something foreign on the floor. She looked down in confusion at a pair of panties that she hadn't seen when entering. She picked them up and wondered where she should put them. Did the ship have a lost and found box?

There was a voice from behind her that made her jump a little. "Oh, crap, is that where they wound up? I don't remember chasing him through here."

One tattooed hand came into her view and gently plucked the panties out of her grasp. Oriana turned to regard Jack. The biotic was stark naked and reeked of sex. She was also smiling off into nowhere as if thinking of some private joke. "Thanks," she said, looking over at Oriana. She had a bundle of clothing under her other arm, but hadn't bothered to put any of it on.

"You're...welcome." Oriana remembered the scene from the mess. "You didn't break Marcus, did you?" For the moment, Oriana had completely forgotten that she was also naked save for the towel on her head.

"Nah, I just put him in his cabin. Dude's sleeping like a baby. And, I'm proud to say, grinning like an idiot." Jack's eyes suddenly focused, and she gave Oriana a very obvious up-and-down appraisal. "I said god-damn. You don't happen to sometimes swing for the other team, do ya? Because you have got tits I would kill for. Not to mention an ass I wouldn't mind planting my flag in." Jack's free hand made little groping motions in the air as if demonstrating.

Oriana simply didn't know what to say. "I-"

"You know, you and me could go and surprise Marcus. Have ourselves a little three-way party. I didn't tire him out that much."

"I-"

"Yeah, it might be kinda weird for him, I guess. He might think you're too young. I dunno, lemme ask him and I'll get back to ya." Jack pointed a finger at her, winked, and sauntered on out the door.

Oriana was left standing there, her equilibrium completely gone. "I...what?"