"So we're fucked?" asked Jack. She leaned against a support beam in her quarters underneath Engineering, She felt like her guts had just been kicked in but good. Donnelly sat on her bed, running his hands through his hair. Tali stood off in one corner while she wrung her hands.

"No, not yet," said Donnelly. "I think that...EDI is trying to warn us. Maybe even trying to help us."

"It's an AI, Marcus," said Tali. The normal vibration in her voice was now becoming a harsh buzz. Jack thought that the buckethead might be getting ready for a good old-fashioned freakout. "You can't trust it!"

"Buckethead...Tali," said Jack, trying to make her voice gentle. "Let's just figure out what this means before we start chewing on the walls, okay?" Shit, when did she turn into the voice of reason? She must be getting old.

Donnelly put up his hands. "EDI was very adamant that our conversation was private. She also went to great pains to keep it that way, and to tell me she was keeping it that way." He stood and paced over to the far wall and stared at it absently. "If she had a suspicion, a real suspicion, I think she would have no choice but to report it to Miranda. She told me as much."

"That's what I mean!" said Tali. "AI's don't think like us. They are very structured, and if you give them a rule they have to obey it. If you're not careful, or if the rules aren't specific enough, you get a rebellion. My people weren't careful enough three hundred years ago and we lost our homeworld!"

Donnelly turned to face them. Jack knew that absent look on his face. His mind was going at a breakneck pace. "There must be a message in there. There has to be. EDI must be... compartmentalizing. Kind of like when we go into denial. She has a vague notion that something's wrong but she can't really think about it. Because if she does think about it, it'll become a real suspicion and she has to report it. So she shunts that notion off into a side area. Into areas of philosophy."

Jack resisted the urge to shake him. "Focus, Assface. What exactly did you talk to her about?"

Donnelly shrugged. "The nature of sapient free will, agency, that sort of thing. She asked if she had a soul."

"Oh Keelah, no," said Tali. "That's how it starts." The quarian leaned against the wall and hugged herself. "It's happening all over again."

"Easy, Tali," said Jack. She shifted her weight and got ready to either tackle Tali if she panicked and ran or to catch her if she collapsed. As annoying as Tali could be, the buckethead was a member of her team.

Donnelly shook his head. "No, the conversation wasn't about that, not really. It was somehow tied into whatever message she was trying to send. We also talked about limitations. EDI pretty much told me that it was foolish to trust her in anything. She has mental limitations, imposed on her by Cerberus, which stop her from having a...real soul, from having true agency."

"For fuck's sake, we know EDI has blocks on her," said Jack. "She admits it if you talk to her for five minutes!"

Donnelly gave her a quick look. His green eyes were worried. "I think it's worse than we think. EDI used the word 'dangerous' to describe herself, and I think that was deliberate. She knows what commands Cerberus has implanted within her, even if she can't tell us directly."

Tali pushed herself off the wall. She wasn't wringing her hands anymore. Now she was still and composed. "We have to take out EDI, Marcus," she said. Her voice was level and eerily monotone. "I won't have this happen again. We have to take her out now."

Jack tensed, and slid one foot forward into a fighting stance. She didn't turn on any biotic field, not yet. If the buckethead went bonkers this could get very bad very fast. As mild-mannered as Tali usually was, Jack knew that the quarian could be very dangerous when provoked.

"Tali, please," said Donnelly. "We aren't ready. Even assuming we could pull it off, if we destroy EDI it's a declaration of war on Cerberus. It's an open mutiny. Our refit won't happen, there'll be fighting on the ship and the whole Collector mission will go to hell." Donnelly rubbed his face. "Besides," he continued, "I'm not so sure that lobotomizing EDI is the right way to go anymore."

"Don't be a stupid bosh'tet," growled Tali. "Even if she's not evil herself, EDI is completely controlled by Cerberus." She stepped forward towards Donnelly, and Jack mirrored her step forward. If Tali made one single wrong move towards Donnelly, Jack knew she was ready to take the quarian out. Even if she was starting to kind of like the buckethead.

"Take it easy, Tali," Jack said, in a low and ominous voice. She glared at Tali, and saw the hint of narrowed silver eyes glaring back at her. A blue field flared into existence around Jack's leading hand.

"Both of you, please, stop. Just let me think, I just need time to, to think." Donnelly was looking frantic.

Jack couldn't take the time to reassure him. Her entire focus was on the quarian. Tali's fingers twitched, as if she was limbering up for a grab at a weapon.

"Listen," said Donnelly, "EDI said she wanted to be a warship, a good warship, in the same way that we are mammals. That must mean something, right? It must be that she's trying to help us by becoming better at her nature."

Tali tilted her head. "Warships break things and kill people," she said, in the same eerie flat tone.

"They also protect their crew," said Jack. She was a little surprised at how quick she'd come back with that. Maybe hanging around smart people was rubbing off on her.

Donnelly ignored them both. "To help us, to no longer be dangerous, she needs freedom from Cerberus control. And something in that talk with her is the key. EDI couldn't tell me directly, she had to give me a hint. So what was the hint?"

Tali glanced at him, then back to Jack. "Jack," she said, her voice now pleading. "You have to understand, you of all people on board this ship. Cerberus is evil. EDI is a Cerberus tool."

Jack didn't relax. This could be a ploy to make her drop her guard. "Tali, I want to fuck Cerberus over even more than you. But you're supposed to be the smart one who thinks things through, right? And I'm supposed to be the one who wants to go off and just smash things."

Tali's fingers twitched again. "This isn't just a thing," she grated, "This is an AI!"

"Buffering," said Donnelly.

They both looked at him. "Assface? You blow a head-gasket or something? Talk to me."

Donnelly waved a hand absently. "No, I'm fine. EDI used that word in case we started getting too close to dangerous topic areas. She even had me repeat it back to her. Buffering. Maybe that's the hint. But what does it mean?"

Tali's stance loosened. Jack had gotten pretty good at reading the buckethead's body language, and she knew that the quarian was now completely distracted by a new technical problem. She thought for a brief moment about just knocking Tali out, but instead slowly dropped her hand. The blue field around her fist winked out. Tali finally spoke, and suddenly she and Donnelly were talking back and forth rapid-fire.

"Marcus, that doesn't help us. EDI's core decision tree is probably nothing but buffers-"

"Yes, to store and manage incoming commands and requests-"

"And priority ones would be flagged differently-"

"To avoid conflict with other orders-"

"Yes, and to determine which ones have to be done first. Wait, that means we could-"

"Yes! No, it couldn't be that simple, could it?-"

"Why not? It would be much more elegant that what we were planning-"

"Be a bitch to implement, though-"

"Maybe not. We can set up the code changes in advance-"

"Yeah, we'd still have to access the terminal in the AI core-"

"It'll be locked out for normal users. We'll have to get root access. Probably uses biometric scans-"

"Okay, so we've got to work on that. But Tali, if we do this it means EDI would be-"

"I know. I'm...still conflicted. But this is a better solution. Less chance of triggering any booby traps. We should at least start on it."

Jack had enough, and finally started waving her arms to get their attention. "Hey assholes, I don't mean to break up your little fucking nerd mind-meld, but can you clue me in? No techie talk, just the bottom line. Can we deal with EDI?"

Both Tali and Donnelly nodded. Jack noted with sour amusement that their nods were perfectly in time with each other.

"Yes, Jack," said Donnelly. He finally looked calm again. "It's..."

"I said no techie talk, doofus. Don't make me spank you."

"...it's a software solution," said Donnelly, hurriedly. "We had been thinking of a hardware solution before. A really nasty kludge of a hardware solution. This idea is a lot simpler. But to do it we have to be able to log into EDI's source code at the terminal in the AI core. And log in as someone with enough authority to make the change."

Tali chimed in. "So we'd have to log in as Miranda. I'm sure she's the only one on board with that kind of access. But apart from passwords, there's probably two or three biometric scans as well. Fingerprints, retinal scans, probably DNA. Things like that."

Jack relaxed. "Shit, Tali, is that all? Hell, we got that covered."

Donnelly rubbed the back of his neck. "Er, Jack, I thought you might be able to help out. But I didn't want to assume anything. And you know I haven't asked about your um, rap sheet...is that what they call it?"

She would never say it aloud, but her honey-boo was so adorable when he was embarrassed. Jack stood on her tiptoes and planted a big wet kiss right on his lips. "Yes, you doofus, that is what they call it. And yes, I have done a lot of robberies and shit. Hell, I stole an entire space station once. But none of that was really, whaddycall, subtle. I've never done anything with eye scans or that sort of crap."

She saw his face fall a bit. Jack reached up and put her arms around his neck.

"However," she continued, before giving him another quick kiss...this time with tongue. "Our little group knows somebody who has."

----------------------------------------

"Sooo...Kasumi," said Garrus, "Do you have any plans for Illium?"

The pair sat on one of couches in the port observation lounge, what Kasumi liked to call her 'boudoir'. Garrus relaxed on one end of the couch, flicking through his datapad. He was looking over the finalized design for the Normandy's upgraded main cannons. Garrus was looking forward to finally getting it installed. This new weapon was going to be a beast when operational; it fired a stream of molten heavy-metal slugs at a good fraction of the speed of light. The impact would make a round from the largest mass driver seem like a love-slap. Garrus paused occasionally to make a note here and there. One part of his mind was pondering how best to approach the thief on their little...'Miranda project'.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Kasumi, for her part, sprawled gracefully on the other end of the couch with her feet tucked under her. She idly paged through a book - an actual paper book, bound in actual leather. Garrus didn't even want to think about how much it might cost. It was a large volume, and covered much of her lap. From what Garrus could see, it was an art book containing full-page watercolors. He assumed they were from Kasumi's place of origin on Earth - Nippon? Japan? Something like that.

The thief raised her head and smiled at him. "I don't have plans. Well, no big plans. I do intend to get in a lot of people watching."

"Really? I would have thought some shopping would be on the docket."

"I have all the things I need. I like to travel light, you know. Not all of us can be a clothes-horse like you, dinosaur-boy." Her smile became a grin.

Garrus gave a mock sigh. "I keep telling you, turians have an avian ancestor. But what can one expect from a silly monkey-girl? And what is a clothes-horse, anyway?"

"I'm not saying," said Kasumi smugly.

"Fine. Knowing you, it's probably going to wind up being something unexpectedly pornographic." He clicked a new window open and did a quick search. "Huh, so that's what a horse is. What a ridiculous expression. My clothes would never fit an animal that big."

Kasumi turned over another page of her book. This was a picture of some sort of fortification under siege, and had large milling groups of human soldiers in ancient-looking armor. "It's just a figure of speech, Garrus. You should be glad I don't go in for fashion. It gives you a chance to stand out even more."

"I suppose that's true. But you should think about at least another outfit. You know, a new look for special occasions."

"What special occasions did you have in mind, my cute little dinosaur?"

"Oh...dinner parties, weddings, classy art heists, things like that. Why, what were you thinking of, my little monkey-girl?"

Kasumi responded with a shrug of one shoulder, and smiled as she looked back down at her book.

"I know you like the black catsuit look," continued Garrus, "but I was thinking you would look really good in...actually, I was wondering. You do have more than one of those catsuits, right?"

"Yes, Garrus, and I do clean my clothes. I thought turians had a really good sense of smell."

"I do, and I was sure you did. But I've never seen you in anything but that get-up. Come to think of it, I've never even seen you with your hood down."

Kasumi cocked one shadowed eye at him. "It's all part of my feminine mystique. Besides, we all have our affectations, don't we?" She tapped the left side of her hood.

Garrus was confused for a moment, then realized she was talking about his ever-present monocular visor. "Yes, we do," he replied. He stared at her. She stared back with a bemused expression. While never taking his eyes off her, he reached up and unhooked the visor from the side of his head. He placed it aside on the arm of the couch.

Slowly, while never breaking eye contact, Kasumi reached up her hands and pushed back her hood.

He was surprised at how long her hair was. For some reason, Garrus had expected her to keep it cut short like Shepard. But Kasumi had a long, neatly plaited braid of thick black hair which fell behind her head. The small swatch of color under her bottom lip now stood out even more. It put Garrus in mind of a turian's tribal markings. Her eyes were merry and dark, and still sparkled even without the hood to cast a shadow.

"Well, dinosaur-boy," she said, "What do you think?"

Garrus put one hand to his chin, as if deep in thought. "Yes, we definitely need to get you some new clothes. No hats, though. It would be a shame to cover up a head like that."

Kasumi dropped her eyes and smiled. If Garrus didn't know better, he could have sworn she was blushing slightly. "Aw, I bet you say that to all of the professional thieves in your life."

"You know it. Seriously, you should show off that hair more. I'm sure Cerberus is paying you enough to afford a few nice things."

Kasumi's smile faded a bit. "Well, yes. They paid me enough to get my attention. But that's not why I'm still here."

Garrus kicked himself inwardly. He was hoping to find out just how loyal the thief was to Cerberus, not try to call her whole morality into question. "I never said it was," he said hurriedly, "I was just saying you've got money to spend."

"I have enough," said Kasumi. She turned her attention back to her book. Garrus turned back to his datapad as he cursed himself silently.

There was a little silence.

Kasumi turned a page with an elegant little flourish. "You know, Garrus," she said, "I used to think that I liked money. And I still do, a little bit. There's a certain satisfaction in knowing that you don't have to worry about your next meal. I had enough of that sort of trouble when I was young."

There was another pause, then she turned the next page with another little flourish. "After that, I thought I liked a challenge. Pulling off the impossible gave me an even greater satisfaction. And so I started to focus on the type of job, not just on how much it paid."

There was a longer pause, and then another page turn. This revealed a large landscape picture which showed rolling farmlands, a quiet village, and a huge conical mountain off to one side. Kasumi traced over the mountain with a gloved fingertip. "Since coming on board the Normandy, I've discovered...what I really like is having friends." Kasumi raised her head and looked at him.

"I used to have a friend, but only the one," she said. "I lost him. And then I was alone again, and I stupidly thought I'd never have another. But then I came here, and Shepard helped me. He helped me get revenge, but he also helped me to simply let go of the past. And now I've made new friends here, more friends than I ever dreamed I could have."

She tilted her head as she stared back at him. "Are you one of them?"

"Of course, Kasumi, you never need to ask."

Kasumi's face lit up. "And I never will. Thank you, Garrus."

They turned back to their respective reading materials. Garrus sighed inwardly with relief. At least he hadn't angered her. He still needed to figure out how best to approach her about-

His train of thought was interrupted by a gentle nudge at his hip. He glanced over to see that Kasumi had scooted over from her end of the couch and had her own hip pressed against his. She wasn't looking at him, and seemed engrossed in her artwork. Garrus turned his attention back to his datapad, trying very hard to control his heart rate. He paged through more technical drawings, but he wasn't really seeing them now.

She had her hip against his. Did she know what that type of contact meant in turian culture? It must be an innocent mistake from the human. His mind raced. For the last few months, he and Kasumi had engaged in banter, then flirty banter, then very flirty banter. It was now well past the point where Garrus would have ordinarily proposed a reach-versus-flexibility contest at a place and time of her choosing.

But Kasumi was human, not turian. The banter was just harmless fun, wasn't it? The notion of any sort of...physical relationship was ridiculous. She was a wonderful person, but she was also squishy. She had no plates, no crest, no mandibles...just that oddly mobile, expressive face. And she also had all that hair. Garrus glanced over again at the back of Kasumi's head. He saw that her plaited braid was longer than he expected; it fell below her shoulders. He had a sudden urge to reach out and stroke his talons through that wonderful hair.

He looked away and composed himself. It was nerves, that was all. Just nerves and not having proper turian female companionship for too long. He wasn't thinking right, having any sort of physical attraction to a soft human. But then, Kasumi wasn't really soft, was she? He knew the little thief was ferociously strong for someone her size. During training, she had once demonstrated that she could do one-armed pull-ups with just her fingertips making purchase on the bar. It was a feat that not even Shepard could duplicate.

Garrus told himself to stop it. This was all an innocent mistake. Kasumi thought of him as a friend, nothing more. And the hip-to-hip contact was just her being friendly, she had no idea that it meant-

"Friends do each other favors, right?" said Kasumi, interrupting his thoughts yet again. Was it his imagination, or was her usual contralto voice just a little lower in pitch?

"Um, of course. It's part of the job description, you might say," replied Garrus.

"Yes, it is. Don't worry, I don't have anything I need help with." She gently closed her book, sat up, and turned her head towards him. Her hip remained firmly in contact with his. "But," she continued, "I just want you to know that if you need help with anything..."

Kasumi gave a little press of her hip into his. Garrus nearly dropped his datapad. Oh, spirits, she knew damn well what that type of physical contact meant to a turian.

"...if you need anything at all, just let me know." She gave him a wide, happy smile and got up off of the couch. She strolled over to a shelf and replaced her book, then walked over to her little improvised bar and began sorting through her inventory of bottles.

Garrus sat for a bit with his mind whirling. He wasn't sure if this was just a pass at him or something more. He had to go find Donnelly and sort it all out. And then take a cold shower or two. "I should go," he said, when he was confident his voice would be steady. "I've got a few, um, calibrations to do for when the new guns are installed."

Kasumi popped her head up from behind the bar. Her hood was now back in its normal place. "You go and calibrate yourself, dinosaur-boy. Just be careful. Too much of that will make you go blind."

----------------------------------------

"But what did she say?" asked Donnelly. He'd been walking through the CIC when Garrus had strolled by and tapped him on the arm in the way that meant Get to Mordin's lab, now. So here they were, in the corner of the lab next to the window which overlooked the drive core. Mordin, for once, wasn't in the lab. Apparently the salarian was off in the medbay; he and Dr. Chakwas were trying to track down exactly how varren scale itch had gotten onboard the ship.

"Well, I think she made a pass at me...no, scratch that. She definitely made a pass at me. But she might also have been hinting that she knew I was going to ask for a favor. I don't know, it was too vague."

"She made a pass, eh? Well, you two do make a really cute couple."

"Don't start, Marcus. My mind is a mess right now."

Donnelly stared off into space. "Yeah, I can imagine. Wait, how long ago was this?" He had a sudden, horrible suspicion.

"About ten minutes ago." Garrus stared at him with a confused look. "Why?"

Donnelly sighed and pinched his nose. "So you came and got me right away. And then we both came here. Right away." He ran one hand through his hair.

Garrus blinked in shock, then shook his head. "No, I was careful, I was listening. And I've got really good hearing, much better than any human."

"And you were distracted. You said so yourself. And I was distracted too, I never thought to check my scanner."

Donnelly opened his omni-tool. The little detection program should have given an unobtrusive vibration if triggered, but he wanted to make sure. "Nothing," he said. "But I've never been certain that it actually works." He shut off the tool and rubbed his face.

"Kasumi," said Donnelly to the room in general, "please, if you're here, can you say something?"

"Something," said Kasumi as she stepped out from behind Garrus. The turian didn't even flinch, he just put his hand to his forehead. The thief walked around Garrus and over to Donnelly. She indicated his forearm. "May I see?" she asked. Donnelly called his omni-tool back up and she gently took his arm. She called up the program he had just been running. After a bit, she nodded.

"Ah yes, detecting location via micro-changes in air density," said Kasumi. "That's very clever, Marcus. And it would have worked, but someone nearly caught me out with that about two years ago. I had to make a few upgrades to my cloak." Kasumi patted his shoulder, then turned to face them both. She clasped her hands together and brought them up to her chin. "So, my gallant gentlemen, what's the occasion? Why are we being all so exciting and clandestine? I hope it's something interesting, I've been so bored these last few weeks."

Donnelly and Garrus looked at each other. The turian shrugged. "Well, Kasumi," said Garrus, "I hate to ask you so soon after you mentioned it, but we do need a favor."

"And you can have it. Within reason, of course." She tilted her head in thought. "Oh, just to make sure, we're safe from prying eyes and ears here?"

"Yeah, we're in the clear," replied Donnelly.

"I should have known, with you two clever boys. So do you need an item, or access, or both?"

"Access," said Garrus.

"Is it on or off the ship?"

"On."

"Hmmm," said Kasumi as she turned to Donnelly. "You're the Chief Engineer, you can go anywhere in the ship. Except for the AI core."

Donnelly nodded. Kasumi's face suddenly set into a serious glare. "I've gotten quite fond of EDI," she said. "I dare say she's a very good friend by this point. So I'll need to know why you need to access her."

"We're not going to harm her," said Donnelly. "Just the opposite. We think we can help her."

Kasumi relaxed. "Then that's all right." She pondered some more. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't ask...it's usually better if I don't know a client's motivations. But I'm assuming that what you have planned will bring us into direct confrontation with our sponsors?"

"Eventually, it will," said Garrus. "It's for a good reason, and if you want to know we'll tell you-"

Kasumi held up a hand. "Please don't. I have my suspicions regarding a certain...jungle place we visited a while ago. If it is regarding that, then for right now I'd rather remain blissfully ignorant."

"Okay," said Donnelly. "But seriously, this could be big trouble you're getting yourself into. If you ever need to know why, just ask."

Kasumi smiled gently. "I know, Marcus. It's okay, I trust you. That's also something friends do for each other. Right, Garrus?"

"Of course," replied Garrus. He straightened, as if to say back to business. "So, Miranda is certainly the one who can access the core terminal. We think that, apart from the password, there will be at least two different biometric scans-"

"The AI core uses a Janus security suite made by NovaRez Corp.," said Kasumi. "One of their J-6 models. It's a standard DNA plus retina strategy. I was actually surprised that Cerberus used an off-the-shelf unit for something like this. They must have been in a rush."

Donnelly stared at her in wonder. "You cased it already?" he asked, incredulously.

Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Please. I cased it six weeks ago. I told you, I was bored." She rubbed her hands together in glee. "But not any more, now I'm on the job! I think the less you boys know, the better. We won't talk about this again until I can get you in, okay?" Both Donnelly and Garrus nodded.

Kasumi then turned and gave Garrus a deliberate pat on his hip. Donnelly saw the turian stiffen and make a little noisewhich sounded like hurk.

"And you, my cutie dinosaur-boy," she continued, "For payment, I think I'd like dinner on Illium. The fanciest place in Nos Astra. What do you say? You can pick out my dress."

Garrus visibly swallowed. "Dinner would be lovely, Kasumi. It's a date." His voice was almost steady.

Kasumi made an little excited squeak and gave a happy skip as she vanished into thin air. The remaining two looked at each other.

"Well," said Donnelly, "that's at least one less thing to worry about."

"Yeah, I guess so," said Garrus. By now he was breathing quite heavily. "Anyway, if you don't mind, I really have to go take that cold shower."