81. Revelations and Resolutions

It had always struck Isaac, how easy it was for a body to fade into something immaterial. He could trudge along cracked cement and not feel a hint of solidity beneath his feet. The night breeze could pass him by without leaving a chill. Distant sirens could blare, red lights could flash, and they would be nothing but foggy, transient imitations of reality.

It was easy for the mind to slip away; drifting came naturally when pushed far enough. The world became a bundled blur of sensations filtered through loose strands of time.

Maybe that was why he’d been able to enter the Underside, Isaac thought idly. After all, those first few hours after Lloyd’s death had felt, in many ways, more unreal than when he’d first set foot in the Golden Lands.

Isaac felt his legs come to a stop. He blinked a few times and found himself standing within an all too familiar station. The rusted metal rail burrowed a pathway below the worn, dirty platform. In his peripheral vision, he could just barely make out the blocky shapes of cracked pillars. It was empty, like he’d come to expect. Slowly, Isaac sat down on one of the cold benches. How fitting it was, he thought, that once again he’d find himself running to the nearest subway station.

He leaned his head back until it hit the bumpy wall behind him. And running it was. He couldn’t deny the wave of relief he’d felt when Rosalinde had told him to leave, barely held back before a single word was more than enough for it to break free and take control.

Isaac’s eyes drifted down to the tablet resting on his lap. Even while running, he’d still dutifully kept it close. The fiery red had long faded, and there was no trace of the earlier bolded words. Instead, the screen had faded back to a still black. Maybe Rosalinde had succeeded and the System had stopped. Maybe it was because Seaton was already dead.

Isaac flipped the tablet over.

He’d felt relief, he realized, because those words had presented him with a chance to convince himself that it wasn’t cowardice that had driven him to turn around and leave the area. He could pretend he was doing as Rosalinde said. He snorted. Well, that relief had been misplaced. There was a limit to excuses.

Isaac closed his eyes, suddenly exhausted. His mind drifted, and he found himself thinking of Olzu, tirelessly practicing in the middle of the night, pushing forward in the race even when his wings shook with exertion. He thought of Sharil, the steady, consistent progress made with each stat update. He’d once asked her, jokingly, if she’d ever stop training, and she hadn’t hesitated to say she wouldn’t.

He thought of Igor, standing on the platform without a care for the jeers. In his clunky armor, shield raised without a shred of doubt, he’d been an easy figure to believe in.

He thought about Lloyd working into the deepest parts of the night beside a flickering lamp, writing and reading until the pages were smeared with graphite and his eyes burned. Even on the days when he came back triumphant from a day’s success, the unyielding drive never faded, was never fulfilled.

Isaac opened his eyes.

Maybe that was what he’d really been jealous of, he thought. Not the attention Lloyd got from their parents, not the new life he’d managed to build for himself, but the resolve that had existed in him since they were young. A resolve that Isaac had never had.

Distantly, he realized the tablet screen was glowing. Isaac watched his hands slowly flip the device over and tap on its golden surface, eyes fixed on the swirling color even as a familiar voice rang out in the silence.

“Isaac? Are you there?”

If he had the ability to care at that moment, he would’ve noted how hesitant her words were. Lilith was never quiet. She sounded almost like a different person entirely.

“Is Seaton dead?” Isaac barely recognized the sound of his own voice. He heard something shifting on the other end of the call.

“He’s alive,” Lilith finally said, still in that strange, slow way. “It was a…minor system violation, all things considered.”

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He grunted in acknowledgment.

Silence took over. Isaac just stared down at the screen, at the swaying golden lights, not knowing what to say, what he even wanted to say. His mind was too preoccupied with new and old memories to think about assigning guilt and blame. Too frayed to contemplate the nature of the System at that time. There were a lot of things he needed to think about.

“…Are you alright?”

Isaac blinked a few times, processing. “I’m fine,” he finally said.

The disbelief in Lilith’s voice was practically tangible.

“You don’t sound well.”

Isaac heard before he felt the low, humorless chuckle bubbling up in his throat. “I’ve been doing some thinking,” he said. He tore his eyes away from the golden light, instead fixing his gaze on a pillar situated at the other end of the station, absentmindedly following the lines of wear and tear.

“…What about?”

Isaac snorted and sunk further into the bench, too weary to sit up properly.

“I just realized some things about myself. That’s all.”

Another beat of silence passed before Lilith spoke again, somehow even more tentative before. “What did you realize?”

Isaac didn’t tear his eyes away from the pillar, responding more on instinct than consciously. “Nothing really. Just that I’m a coward with no drive or purpose.” The longer he spoke, the faster the words spilled out. Lilith remained silent. He was at once grateful, but another part of him was becoming acutely aware of the utter stillness of the station. He tapped his finger against the bench. Up and down. Up and down.

“Hey Lilith, did you know,” he said abruptly, suddenly desperate to fill the quiet with something. He spoke, not thinking, words pouring out of their own accord.

“I used to go back to Chrowall just to take care of Lloyd’s grave, you know. Kept telling myself it was the least I could do. Thought maybe I could make up for everything, face the past and all that. Take responsibility.”

His finger stopped and he gripped the corners of the bench, squeezing the cold metal and leaving indents on his skin.

“But you know, I think really it was just an excuse to run away again. Keep things distant.” He laughed, the sound sharp in the empty station. “I used to get so pissed at Lloyd, but he tried a lot harder to talk than I did.”

There was a ringing sound growing in his head. It began softly, but grew louder with each passing second until it was all encompassing. His own voice raised in volume, desperate to be heard over it.

“I’m the exact same as I used to be. A coward too scared to get close to things.” He shook his head. “You know, maybe they were onto something when they said I didn’t have a purpose. Compared to Lloyd I really don’t, do I? No goals, no dreams, no drive, no—“

“Isaac,” Lilith’s voice cut in firmly. “That’s enough.”

Isaac released a long breath. He felt himself physically deflate and sink even lower into the bench, all energy drained from him. He rubbed his throbbing forehead. “Sorry,” he muttered. “Usually I don’t—“

“Don’t apologize,” she interrupted. There was a pause, then Lilith’s voice took on a lighter tone. “Why, I find it refreshing to hear you speak so much. You should try it more often.”

His eyes drifted back to the tablet, the golden light still glowing steadily on its screen. It was a much nicer color than red, he thought.

“Maybe I will,” Isaac said. He felt a stinging in his fingers and released his grip on the bench seat. He hesitated. “Not sure yet.”

“Well, take your time thinking. And if you do decide to talk more, please do call; it’s dreadfully dull by my poor lonesome.”

Another laugh bubbled up, only this one was looser, less constrained. “I’m sure,” he said. He picked up the tablet again. It was slightly warm to the touch.

“What do you plan on doing now, Isaac dear?” Lilith’s voice asked. Isaac opened his mouth, then closed it, then repeated the process again.

That was the question, wasn’t it? There was no denying his problems anymore. He could go back to drifting through the world, if he wanted. Continue to live life held half a pace away. It was the familiar option. The safe one. He could even stay away from the Underside entirely this time and make sure those boundaries stayed solid.

Still, he thought about Lucius and Sharil gathered around Olzu as the demon woke up. Casimir’s manic laughter. Rosalinde’s quiet resolve in the twisting Solonell City streets. The fight between the Woodlands dwellers. Soaring over the bridge with Gloriana and Mortimer. Igor making the flowers bloom.

He didn’t have an answer; he wasn’t sure when he would. But he would have one, Isaac realized. That much he could promise.

“I don’t know yet,” Isaac finally said. He took a deep breath and gave his surroundings a final sweep, taking in the grey wall and pillars, the silent station and unmoving forms. He rose to his feet, stumbling a bit, but steadied himself. “For now,” he said, “I’m heading back to the tournament.”