“Ridiculous?” I finished for him.

“No, no, you don’t look ridiculous. You look amazing,” his eyes traveled the length of my body slowly, leaving me flushed and oddly thirsty. The memory of Erik’s hand brushing my stomach to put on my bandages suddenly invaded my consciousness. The same tingling sensation that captivated me then washed over me tenfold now. I let out a shaky breath, silently praying Erik hadn’t felt it, too.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, reaching up to smooth my hair self-consciously. I pulled my hand away in horror when I felt feathers covering one side of my head. Blood rushed to my cheeks. Thankfully, Penny had put so much makeup on my face I didn’t think either of them could tell.

“I just need to get myself ready. I’ll only be a minute,” Penny said to Erik.

“Are you going with us?” I asked, confused.

“Who’d you think was going to drive you?” he smirked. I hadn’t honestly thought about it. Any operative who hadn’t left the compound for the holiday would be going to the celebrations, and all the pledges that were still here would likely be trying to sneak into the city. I guess I figured we’d beg a ride off of one of them.

“Thanks.” I smiled at Erik.

“No problem. I’ll wait downstairs with Harris and Henri. Come down when you’re ready.” Erik made no move to leave, instead staring at me with a glint in his eye that made my head spin.

“The sooner you leave, the sooner Penny can get dressed,” I said, trying to keep my voice even.

“Right,” he spun on his heel and strolled to the door. Once he was gone, I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding. I felt the circulation return to my extremities as the pounding in my heart quieted.

Penny gave me a knowing look, but kept her mouth shut for once. She held up three simple dresses for me to help her choose from. They were all the same basic style; one-shouldered sheaths that hung to the middle of the calf: one in black, one in electric blue, and one in lemon yellow. I saw her glance enviously toward the rest of my elaborately-styled dresses strewn about on my bed. I wanted to offer her one, but given our considerable height difference, they would never fit her. Instead, I pointed to the electric-blue one and watched as she slipped it over her head.

I smiled. “You look beautiful.”

She returned my smile. “We’d better go before the cavalry returns.”

I quickly programmed a request for room maintenance to clean the mess that Penny and I’d left behind as we scurried out the door.

As Penny pushed the down button for the elevator, I glimpsed my reflection for the first time in the metal doors. Penny had smoothed my curls into a sleek bun on one side of my neck. I did indeed have gold feathers decorating the opposite side. She had dusted green and gold shadows over my eyelids, and a pink blush on my cheeks. She’d informed me, with a smirk, that the blush was called First Kiss. The pale pink gloss on my lips added very little color, but a whole lot of shine. I smiled at my reflection. I definitely looked like a city girl.

Erik, Henri, and Harris were waiting for us in the lobby when we emerged from the elevator. I hadn’t seen Harris since my fight with Donavon, and I had no idea what he thought of me; he was, after all, one of Donavon’s best friends. I gave the boys a tight smile and busied myself with fastening the hook on the hem of my dress to the thin gold bracelet fastened around my wrist.

“We’re ready to have a totally awesome time!” Penny announced in greeting.

“Good, let’s get going,” Henri laughed at her enthusiasm.

Penny and I followed the boys through the apartment lobby and out into the cool day. To my surprise, Erik fell back and offered me his arm as I hobbled unsteadily on wooden shoes. Penny shot me a not-so-subtle look before hurrying forward to catch up with Henri and Harris.

“How ya doing after yesterday?” Erik asked, in a quiet voice.

“Better,” I lied. My earlier conversation with Mac may have confirmed that I had a killer instinct lurking somewhere deep within, but every time I thought about the man in the laboratory on his knees, begging for his life, I felt disgusted with myself. I wasn’t sure if there was valor in revenge, but I did know that there was nothing heroic about what we’d done yesterday. I tried to remedy that by pushing those thoughts to the darkest, cobweb-laden corner of my mind.

“Good,” he answered, with an easy smile. There was no doubt in my mind he knew that I was lying. “You’re going to love the city celebrations,” he said, changing the subject. “The floats in the parade are awesome, and the street vendors sell great food. You’re seriously going to love it.”

I’d never seen Erik so animated before. I’d felt his thrill, his fear, his anxiety, and even his self-loathing after he plunged the needle in the scientist’s neck, but never genuine happiness. I smiled, letting his exuberance become my own, my mood lifting until I, too, wanted nothing more than to celebrate Festivis. I listened intently as he babbled on about the festivities during the walk to the hangar and for most of the ride into the city.

The city celebration was everything he’d promised and more. The streets had been shut down to vehicles, leaving street vendors plenty of room to set up. Our small group, plus Frederick who met us at TOXIC’s city hover-hangar, made our way from one street vendor to the next, stopping to sample the delicacies. I ate pork and pineapple skewers from one, and a caribou dog wrapped in a cornbread bun from the next. Penny and I split candied plums and spiced apples from a dessert vendor, and cashew and pistachio crisps from a nut vendor. Erik insisted I try a bite of his black bear and bean burrito, and despite the feeling that my stomach had already stretched beyond its capacity, I ate half.

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The exotic food vendors were only outdone by the performers dancing through the streets and the elaborate floats. Each float held a small group of representatives from each state. Even the representatives from the smaller, and usually poorer, states were dressed in their finest silks and satins, with brightly colored jewels adorning their bodies and elaborate head toppers. I marveled as the street performers flipped and tumbled through the air, twirling fire batons and sharp swords.

The atmosphere in the nation’s capital was lively and energetic. Residents from cities all over the country had come to D.C. to celebrate Festivis. People toasted each other in the streets, randomly hugged and kissed strangers, and broke into off-key verses of the National Anthem.

The mood was infectious. I was careful not to drink too much of the burning, brown liquor that a drink vendor handed me, but the couple of sips I had spread warmth and happiness through me. Before I knew it, I was dancing and singing off-key with the rest of the celebrants. I wasn’t the only one who appeared to be enjoying themselves; Erik refused to dance with me, but he hooted and hollered as Penny and I danced circles around him. Henri and Frederick were holding hands and singing at the top of their lungs to the District’s state song, which was blasting out of speakers mounted on the buildings. I’d seen Henri relax, and even joke with Erik, but I’d never seen him truly enjoy himself before now. Harris drank several cups of the brown liquor, and kept making excuses to touch Penny’s arm or lean in closer than necessary to whisper in her ear, sending her into fits of giggles. Penny was basking in Harris’ attention, and I loved seeing her so happy.

When we finally got tired of contending with the street crowds, we ducked into an eatery called Igloo. I recalled Frederick telling us about this place where the entire inside was made of ice, and I was excited to see it firsthand. I was still stuffed from all the food I’d sampled, so I only ordered a hot chocolate. It came out topped with huge, fluffy marshmallows and, at Erik’s insistence, spiked with several shots of cocoa liquor. The boys somehow found room for cold squid noodle salad with beef, cooked carrot skewers, and frosty mugs of beer to wash it all down.

“I think it’s time I took you girls back,” Henri said regretfully to me and Penny after all of the food and drinks were gone.

“No one will notice if they aren’t back before dark,” Harris commented, slurring his words a little bit. He reached over and rubbed his large, calloused hand down Penny’s arm. She let out an excited titter.

“The Agency notices everything,” Frederick said darkly. It was an awkward moment—something about the way he said it made me uneasy. I looked around, but nobody else seemed concerned; maybe there’d been too many shots in my hot chocolate.

“The Director was very clear about wanting them back before dark. I don’t want him taking their privileges,” Henri said, giving Frederick a pointed look. Guess I wasn’t the only one who’d noticed his awkward comment.

In the end, everybody came back with us to Headquarters except Frederick. Henri promised him he’d come back after he dropped us off. Penny disappeared with Harris as soon as we landed. I was a little nervous about letting her go off with him when they’d both been drinking, but she seemed so happy that I didn’t want to burst her bubble. Henri turned right around and headed back to Frederick’s apartment in the city. Erik and I stood together alone outside of the hangar.

“Walk you back to your room?” he asked, offering me his arm.

I smiled and circled my arm underneath his.

“Do you think Penny will be okay alone with Harris?” I wondered.

“He’s a good guy, Tals. She’ll be fine.”

“You’re a good guy, and I wouldn’t leave a drunken friend alone with you,” I teased.

“I’m offended!” Erik bristled. “I’ve always been a perfect gentleman to you.”

“Yes, you have,” I agreed quietly, suddenly struck with the thought that I might not want him to be such a gentleman. What is wrong with you? I scolded myself. You just got your heart broken by the boy you’ve been in love with since you were ten. It’s way too soon to be thinking about another guy. But I couldn’t rid myself of the overwhelming amalgam of feelings when I was alone with Erik. In practice I was aware of him, but not like I was aware of him when it was just us—especially when we were touching.

“Have fun today?” Erik probed, mistaking my sudden change in mood for sadness.

“I did. It was everything you said it would be.” I tried to give him a genuine smile, but when I looked up into his eyes, my stomach muscles tightened so forcefully that I grimaced.

Erik walked me all the way to my door. He waited patiently while I pressed my palm to the door sensor. The green light came on, indicating the scanner had confirmed my identity. I walked in, looking back over my shoulder when I didn’t feel Erik following.

“Don’t you want to come in?” I asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.

“I don’t know… I’m still pretty worn out from yesterday. I should turn in early,” Erik’s voice was tight.

“Oh, okay,” I nodded, giving him a half smile. I wanted to open my mind to see what he was really thinking, but Erik was the only person I’d ever subconsciously transferred my thoughts and feelings to; I worried if I opened my mind, he could read everything.

In one quick, fluid motion, Erik moved from the doorway into my room. He wrapped one of his rough hands around the side of my neck, rubbing his thumb along my jaw bone. My breath caught in my throat, and the room started to spin. He placed his other hand on the small of my back, right below the bottom of the V in my dress. I could feel his warm hand through the thin material. He leaned down, his turquoise eyes holding my gaze.

I bit the inside of my lip so hard that I tasted blood. The pain cleared my head just enough to remember to breathe, preventing me from passing out. I wanted him to kiss me so badly that I could taste the desire, right there mixed with the blood in my mouth. I wanted to know how he felt. I craved the connection and reached out to him mentally. I felt raw desire, so primal that it felt more animal than human. I could hear his mental struggle over whether to kiss me. I wanted to reassure him. I wanted to beg him to kiss me. I wanted to plead with him not to let this moment end. I wanted to tell him so many things.

The agonizing seconds of anticipation before you dive headfirst off of a cliff are only outdone by the free fall itself. I was done agonizing; I wanted the free fall. Erik tilted my face gently towards his. I closed my eyes as he leaned down, knowing this would be the moment we went over the edge. As Erik touched his lips gently to mine, I felt a crackle of electricity shoot through our lips and straight down to my toes. It was the strongest sensation that I’d ever experienced. Even with everything that Donavon and I had shared, we’d never had a kiss like this. I’d never felt anything like this before.

Erik abruptly pulled back, and my eyes popped open. He gave me a look I didn’t understand. He leaned back down, but instead of pressing his lips to mine again, he leaned in until his lips were right next to my ear. I thought I was going to faint when his bottom lip brushed my earlobe.

“Good night, Natalia,” he whispered.

I blinked. His hand was no longer on my back. His thumb gave one last gentle brush across my cheek, smearing something wet, and walked away. I wanted to call after him, but I couldn’t breathe, let alone speak. As if Erik’s hands had been the only thing holding me upright, I sank to the floor immediately. I watched him close the door quietly behind him, not once looking back.

When he was gone, I wiped my fingers across my cheeks and realized the something wet he’d smeared were my tears. Disappointment washed over me, wrapping my body in a cold embrace. Had I done something wrong? Why did he leave? I felt hollow inside. Why had I cried when he kissed me? I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. Why was I still crying? I didn’t know exactly, and that made me sob harder.