I felt dizzy every time I looked up at the sky. Gandalf, what is happening to me? Everything is so bright, my eyes hurt. Am I sick?

Processing query…

Analyzing symptoms (fear of open spaces)..

Conclusion. You are suffering from agoraphobia because you have never been outside, or you have transformed into a sub-species of human known as a basement dweller. See Tokyo! (2008) subcategory hikikomori.

As for your human eyes, they hurt because you never used them before.

I knew it! Humans were inferior to crabs. What kind of animal was afraid of the sky? Then I remembered what the now deceased Intern Goggles said about raptors. Perhaps in the distant past giant eagles had preyed upon humans.

Unprompted, Gandalf immediately confirmed that giant eagles were a very dangerous plot device. Confused by Gandalf’s answers, I stumbled down the alleyway, my clothes still on backwards, underwear inside out.

I immediately encountered a group of humans. The leader looked me up and down and lifted a pair of shades and put them on top of his head, revealing another pair of shades he was already wearing. “Yo homie, fashion-zazzle my bizzle in the nizzle, you styling boyo! Look at them threads, my knickers please.”

I looked down at my clothes, yes my knickers were worn outside of my pants. Was that the wrong way to wear them? I looked at how the boys were wearing theirs. They had their pants sagged all the way down to their knees with their underwear exposed. Good, I was wearing my clothes within human norms.

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“Hey yo, we da Backstreet Boys. You want to join our gang? We into classical music from the 90’s.” As if on cue, the boys all got into a formation and one of them popped a Zune into a boombox.

Are they getting ready to attack?

“You are fire

My one desire

Believe me when I say

I was born this way

We may be worlds apart

I can’t reach your heart

So when I say

I was born this way

Tell me why

You ain’t nothin’ but a stomachache

Tell me why

You ain’t nothin’ but a spelling mistake

Tell me why

I keep saying

I was born this way

Am I your tinder?

Are you going to set me on fire?

No, it's not too late

I was born this way”

This was the most amazing thing I had ever heard in my life. The harmonies, lyrics, and rhyme all working together to elicit an emotional response I had never felt before. Was this happiness? Then my stomach gurgled. No, it was hunger.

After the street boys finished their song, they immediately held out their hands. I had seen the white coats do this before with each other. I stepped forward and slapped down to perform their standard cultural acknowledgments.

“No fool, don’t be playing us knickers. We played, now we gonna get paid my knicker.”

Not sure what they wanted, my stomach rumbled again. Maybe I should just eat them.

“Tell you what home boy, you buy us all dinner and we call it even. We do Lady Gaga songs too.” They wrapped their arms around me and walked me down the street. I was trapped.