Ardnas tossed me the bright red hat and showed me it had a built-in mask function. Inside the MAGA hat was a red, white, and blue mask with straps that went over my ears. I took a deep inhale through my super nose to test my new gear.

Astounding! With only a minor reduction in airflow, the mask was able to filter out more than 95% of the particulates at 0.3 microns and larger. What an amazing piece of equipment! And I could even fold it and put the mask into one of my pockets or tuck it back into the hat.

She also tossed me a disposable flip phone, “That's a 3G phone, the liberals don’t use that frequency anymore. They are all using that 5G that turns the frogs gay. Someone will call to give you missions.”

I scratched my nose under the mask that was starting to get itchy, “Do frogs need to use their own bathrooms?”

Ardnas paused for a moment then answered, “Yes, they have to use the log cabin republican bathrooms. Anyways, your phone will automatically display the time and location of the next MAGA rally.”

“Last and most importantly, you get a free NRA membership! Go pick out a free complimentary gun from the lost and found box in the bathroom. NEXT!”

With that my orientation was done and I was shoved out of the way by the next person in line.

With a strange lisp, Mech’Anus grabed my hand in his and said, “let me show you the bathroom.” And gave me a wink.

“In most cultures the foyer, dining room, or bedroom would be the most important room in the house. Our MAGA culture of proud western beliefs is no different, we place the bathroom at the center of our homes as it is a core of our beliefs. That's why we gossip, complain, and fight over bathrooms so much by the way. We can be honest with ourselves in there. It is considered the safest place in the house in the event of an earthquake or hurricane. We also like to poop and pee in there.”

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Mech pulled me to the bathroom door and punched in the secret code of 69696969 rapidly into the numbered lock with his nimble fingers and the door opened to reveal blinding light.

The bathroom was a slice of heaven on earth. A near full 360° wall to wall coverage of mirrors with the floor and ceiling covered in tiles of the brightest white. As we entered, a man in a tux approached, bowed, and raised his arm, offering us a variety of premium 3-ply quilted toilet paper draped like fine silks for our wiping pleasure. In the corner was a live 4 piece jazz band playing Johnny Cash’s Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart perfectly in rhythm of flushing toilets.

Instead of stalls there were mini popup stores of a bygone era, the signs read: Red Lobster, Big Boy, Denny’s, Olive Garden, and there was also a mini .99¢ anchor store. This was the best of Americania preserved in their strip mall glory. A miniature city within a city in a bathroom all underground.

Before I could wander off, Mech pointed towards a distant corner, “Lets not get distracted by the amendies, you are here for your free gun remember?”

“This reminds me of when I was vacationing in Japan. Pardon my French but they have the best fucking bathrooms in the world. I met my wife Maxime there in a bathroom even more luxurious than this one. Anyways, here we are.” Mech toed open a toilet bowl lid that was the disguised lost and found box.

I peered over the rim and saw an entire arsenal of guns. Dozens of 9mm’s of all brands, a few fancy five-7’s, tricked out .45’s with pearl grips. I was like a kid in a candy store if candy were guns. So many choices but Ardnas said I could only take one. Should I rate of fire over slug size? What about muzzle velocity? So many variables to consider. What kind of gun would I need to bring down a superhero?

While I considered the variables, Mech had wandered off to an open stall and was urinating into the lobster bisque. Oh, I had thought they were real stores, each urinal stall just had a restaurant or store theme. “Hey Soy Boy, just close your eyes and reach into the toilet and grab something okay? Does not really matter what you pick as your first weapon anyways.”

I closed my eyes and reached down deep into the toilet treasure chest and pulled a gun out over my head. The gun had 4 barrels. Oh noes, the pistol was also an antique matchlock.

Gandalf.exe visual search running…

Weapon get! Match found..

Duckfoot Gun.

What a ridiculous weapon. The gun had 4 barrels splayed in a webbed duck foot pattern. What the fuck.