Thousands of years ago in a world where Magic was commonplace, there was once a Kingdom. A kingdom where people lived happily, danced around, had wonderful breakfasts, and lived the hell out of life. However, this changed when Magic became more and more prominent. It became so prominent in fact, that breakfasts started to be interrupted by giant explosions and strange creatures. This aggravated both good and evil people, which caused a huge uproar throughout the kingdom. Within weeks, the number of Magicians dropped drastically, and the breakfasts were saved. Even until this day, Magic is no more than a word forgotten by time.

Now, a few hundred years later, breakfasts in the kingdom are no longer tainted by Magic, but are instead accompanied by swords and bureaucracy. Just a few miles away from the King’s castle town, exists a tiny village called Bathvil. At first glance there is not much to see. Left and right are a few houses, and of course one slightly larger house for the Elder to show there is a difference in power. Shops are considered a luxury in villages like these, which they cannot afford. So instead, the villagers happily go to the castle town for their breakfast groceries.

In one of the remarkably insignificant houses in Bathvil lives a hero who will conquer obstacles, vanquish the fearsome enemies of the land, defeat death itself, dominate dragons, and many more of those randomly generated hip words marketing people like to use to attract your attention. For those who are not swayed by these kinds of words, please skip the previous three lines and start reading the story below about a little boy who once read about Magicians, and dreams to become one himself.

Mom: Wake up Will!

Will: Mom! How many times do I have to tell you? "Will" is the most overused name for main characters, ever! Call me "Seth"!

Mom: All right dear. Breakfast is ready, so come on down OK?

Seth: All right, I will be there in a minute.

Usually a story skips the boring parts like getting dressed and combing hair, and thus, so will we and meet Seth and his mother at the dining table.

Mom: By the way, Prof- I mean, Elder Willow wanted to talk to you about something. Why don't you pay him a visit?

Seth: Oh boy! This will be good. Will it finally be my time to start my journey?

Mom: Perhaps. All I know is that I do not ever have to worry, because the kingdom is "Perfectly Safe" according to our King, Lacial.

Seth: Is that the same king who considers wagon-raiding bandits to be "Nothing more than a bump in the road"?

Mom: That's the one!

Seth: Then the world is probably not as safe as he says, right?

Mom: But Moms are always right, remember? And I believe in our King. So, everything is "Perfectly Safe".

Seth: But...

Mom shows a very, very angry look.

Mom: Moms are always right.

Seth: ... Yes Mom.

Mom's mood instantly changes to bright and cheery.

Mom: That's right hun. Send him my regards.

Seth: Will do! By the way mom, why is it that I never call you Lisa?

Lisa: I don't know, sweetheart, but it's nice to hear my real name for a change. The last ten years you’ve just called me Mom, which made me just like all the other moms in the kingdom.

A few moments later, Seth arrives at the largest house in the village. For some weird reason he has never visited this house before in his entire life. The same counts for the house of his childhood friend, Yuna. And what is with all the hundreds of people that always walk around in the village that don't live here? Seth starts to feel it is odd, but he had never thought much of it before. This is not the time to dwell on that! Seth has a doorbell to ring!

*Ding*

Voice inside: Gratz! I mean... It's open!

Once inside, Seth can see it is a lot larger on the inside than it looks on the outside. There are a few tables, a LOT of bookcases... but no bed? Seth shrugs.

Elder: Welcome to my noble home Seth.

Seth: Hi, Elder Willow. You own a very nice house. How come I have never seen this house from the inside before?

Elder: Well you know how it is. You may actually have been in here a lot in your vague childhood, but of course you kids never visit your elders unless you are forced to by your mothers. Except when elders like me are on our deathbed. Then it becomes quite crowded in here quite suddenly.

Seth: Right, of course.

Elder: Also there's that thing where you often forget boring parts of your life until someone makes you 'remember' it.

Seth: I am glad you do not do that then.

Elder: Let's get to business then, shall we?

The elder picks up a book from one of the shelves and opens it on one of the tables. It’s a picture-book showing a prophecy about something evil emerging. Dragons, yada, yada… Seth is the chosen one, probably, and bla, bla... Something about fulfilling a destiny, and a Legendary Crystal Sword somewhere in a cave.

Usually Seth is more interested in books, but he feels he has heard this kind of story before.

Elder: So we ask you, brave Seth, to go forth and dethrone the evil enemies that bring darkness and destruction.

Seth: Well... It is not as if I would want to stay in this boring village. And if I am not responsible for the people who may die whenever I enter a town or city. Then why not?

Elder: So you accept this quest?

Seth: I will see what I can do.

Elder: Awesome! Here, one of my aides has prepared this for you. Take a few potions, a leather helmet and a wooden swor-

Seth: No.

Elder: And here is also-... Wait, what?

Seth: No to the wooden sword. I would like to become a Magician.

An awkward silence emerges.

Elder: But... That's impossible!

Seth: You want me to be a hero, right?

Elder: Yes. I want you to become the hero everyone needs right now.

Seth: I have to travel around the world, right?

Elder: Mhm.

Seth: A journey where my choices define the path that I will walk?

Elder: Yes, but-

Seth: Mage. I choose to become a Mage.

Elder: But you aren't even capable of magic.

Seth: I do not care. I just have to train myself.

Elder: There isn't even Magic in this world…

Seth: So?

Elder: And the monsters you'll fight aren't scaled to squishy mage standards!

Seth: Semantics.

Elder: Then there is the matter of creature drops. There are no mana potions in this world! There are only warrior-focused loot in the chests, and you need stronger gear to survive! I have hidden The Crystal Sword of Epicness for you in the Cave of More or Less Return. Then there is tha-

Seth: Wait a minute. You mean you had a fabled sword that could kill anything easily all along, hid it in a cave, and instead you give me this wooden sword and expect me to like it?

Elder: Well-

Seth: Is that not counterproductive? Perhaps even stupid and sadistic? And am I just to assume that any hero that came through here liked, and accepted, this?

Elder: Hundreds of them did yeah. Many of them are still outside, figuring out how to walk. Ironically, they all seemed to have departed from your mom's house, too.

Seth: You know what? Screw you. I will be off. Give me that sword. Farewell!

For years Seth has been waiting to finally set off and leave this boring and tedious village. His mother never took him out for groceries at the Castle. Before this moment he was never allowed to even leave the village. Whenever he tried to leave on his own, he was pushed back by a mysterious force which his mother called a 'Hidden Wall, don't think too much about it'. It is this mysterious force that had made Seth interested in the ways of Magic. It was this motivation that made him sneak into the house of the Elder, steal some books, and force himself to understand what the books were telling him. His vocabulary increased incredibly fast, and it was this way he first learned about Magic: There aren't any known mage heroes! There is no magic in this world, and definitely forget those hidden walls that were previously mentioned. Also, there absolutely most definitely isn't an evil wizard plaguing the Kingdom.

Seth uses his wooden sword to smash a few pots in the process before he returns home. 'Were those pots magical as well?', he wonders. Seth figured out at a very early age that once he goes into a house and back outside again, the pots will reappear.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Seth smashes the pots in anger and envy of their magic while he walks to a shed that is located behind his house. There he crafts his wooden sword angrily into a Wand of More or Lesserness. 'That should do the trick for now', he thinks to himself, and follows the path north towards his first adventure on the fields North of Bathvil.

Meanwhile, a few fields and forests away from Seth, lies the Castle of the greatest King ever; if you were to believe Seth's mother.

Servant: Your Highness. The reports of the far west are in.

King Lacial: Good. Report it please.

Servant: The report claims we're losing control over the western bridge. Goblins have taken hostages in our sewers. Mass murderers roam free in our kingdom, while raiders pillage and burn everything they see. Children are now used as shields because we ran out of iron and the princess is still missing.

King Lacial: Sure, but is there anything important happening in the kingdom?

Servant: Not really, no.

King Lacial: Good. Then we can move on to more pressing matters. How is the caravan coming along?

Servant: Well... It didn't make it... again.

King Lacial: WHAT? THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! Who is responsible for this heinous crime!

Servant: Sir Tentodie, I believe. He was in charge of the last two caravans that went missing.

King Lacial: Off with his head! And his family as well! And make sure the back wall of the throne room is repainted. It starts to smell a little rotten.

Servant: So you want us to paint the wall with the blood of the knight and his family?

King Lacial: Is there any other way you could interpret what I just said?

Servant: No Sire, of course not.

The servant leaves the throne room while King Lacial lies down to take his afternoon nap. He wonders, in his last moments of clarity, if something less boring will happen soon. And more importantly: Would his donuts ever arrive?

We return to find Seth a few hundred meters from his home. He started his journey without us while we were side-tracking to the King. The first plains are relatively harmless with a couple of cute, fluffy mice and bunnies. Thousands of heroes are surrounding Seth and slaughtering everything in their path with the sword they have received from the Village Elder. Why a journey always starts with mindless slaughter of defenseless creatures remains a mystery to Seth. But for now, he chooses not to join the onslaught. He has bigger problems to cope with.

Seth: AAAARGHH! It hurts so much! Cursed splinters. I should have used sandpaper for that wand.

Seth quickly drinks a potion. It heals him back to full health.

Seth: Good, at least that helps.

The totally non-magical potion makes the splinters in Seth's fingers fire away like bullets. Killing a rabbit and a mouse in the process.

Seth: Heh, potions are funny. Poor mice and rabbits though.

Perhaps it's Seth's naivety, but he fails to see the tremendous slaughter that is happening all around him. Dozens of heroes die by the fierce mice, and the rabbits seem to critically hit an awful lot. But that is not all. Around the piles of bodies there are also goblins! Goblins are nasty, small, greenish creatures with daggers, and pointy ears and teeth! And one of them is heading for Seth right this moment!

Seth: My first true encounter! Perfect! Now I can put this wand to use. Ouch! What was that for?

It seems this goblin took initiative.

Seth: Ok, thanks for the info narrator...

Sure, no problem.

Seth: Since you are here, why do I see these weird button-like things in my head? Attack, use item, and a special button which is disabled? Weird.

Dunno.

Seth: Very helpful…

The goblin stares at Seth with a hostile look. One of those looks that could have killed people if they were physical. But that's all there is to it. Minutes pass. The goblin doesn't move.

Seth: Do not tell me this is turn based...

The goblin becomes more and more agitated every minute Seth spends staring dumbly into thin air whilst he tries to figure out how to work his magic.

Seth: If only I knew how to press those buttons, things would go faster.

Several hours later.

Seth: Gee, whoever designed this control panel should be sacked! Screw this!

Seth savagely charges at the goblin and attempts to stab it stone dead.

Goblin: Ouch! Be careful human! You could poke my eye out! What's wrong with you anyway? Just standing there for hours! It drove me NUTS! If only you knew just how much time we goblins spend waiting around while you so called "adventurers" or "heroes" just stand there doing nothing? That's it! I'm outta here! I'll leave my squad. It's not like I need the money!

Seth: Wait... What? You speak English?

Goblin: Ugh, ignorant human. You have no idea how stupid you guys are, do you? All non-human creatures can speak ALL languages. But you humans are so thick that you just assume that we're the stupid ones.

Seth: Erm... Sorry?

Goblin: And another thing! Why are you humans so incredibly arrogant that you don't see that the whole world works fine without you? You guys are the enemies of the world and that's why we all get sent to kill you guys off! Which is pretty ironic considering you're the only species simpleminded enough to off itself anyway.

An awkward silence follows.

Seth: This sooo goes against my expectations.

Goblin: Good. Now since I've left the SGS, what to do now?

Seth: What is the SGS?

Goblin: Suicidal Goblin Squad. The general idea of the squad is that we run around killing the weakest humans, while we feed the upcoming human heroes experience points so that they think they make a difference in the world. They will then level up to face the big, bad, evil thing at the end of the story where they usually get killed. But that's not important right now.

Seth: And does that work?

Goblin: It keeps the human population low. And those that survive long enough and gain enough experience become the new heroes of that specific time. But they all turn out to be lazy good-for-nothings anyway; always drunk and bragging about some crystal sword they obtained from a perilous cave… And about how they defeated some evil general that was threatening the world or something. Or about how they dethroned some evil King. Stupid idiots don't realize that the next King is usually worse. And don't get me started about their sons.

Seth: My head hurts.

Goblin: Why didn't you bring a wooden sword with you? The last five-hundred and sixty-three adventurers I killed all had one.

Seth: I want to become a Mage.

Goblin: A mage? A ha haha HAHAHAHAHAHHHA. Seriously? Oh my Deity.

Seth: What is so funny?

Goblin: Well. You're the first and only human newbie here that's considering becoming something other than a warrior. Wait a minute... Maybe you are actually one worth investing my time in.

Seth: I still do not understand though. You have never been killed before, yet you are still level 1. And you decide to help me?

Goblin: We re-spawn.

Seth: Ah, but I thought only human heroes could do that?

Goblin: No, humans don't re-spawn.

Seth: So all these human corpses around here. They are permanently dead?

Goblin: The Laws of Nature are what they are. We got screwed over pretty bad by not receiving experience points and level ups though.

Seth: I would say.

Goblin: Yeah, well. You can't re-spawn.

Seth: Aw, bullocks.

Goblin: You know what? I'll join ya. I'm a healer and since you're an upcoming mage, you're gonna need a lot of that. Got any spells yet?

Seth: No. The Elder said there are none in this world.

Goblin: Typical human bull-crap to keep you on the linear path.

Seth: So you know where I could train then?

Goblin: I do.

Seth: Let us be off then!

Goblin: Wait... shouldn't we hear a 'joined-the-party' sound?

Seth: Do not count on it. I think you might be quite right about us humans being arrogant toward other species and all.

Goblin: Right'o, let's go!

Seth: What is your name by the way?

Goblin: Twig.

Seth: Right. And you call us humans simple.

Twig: You said something?

Seth: Not really, no.

Twig: Good, let's be off!

And so, our brave Seth is accompanied by a fearsome goblin to use as he will in his upcoming adventures! Let's just hope this unusual pairing won't have any unforeseen consequences for Seth like... Guards killing him off, being called a traitor, getting banned from the human community… Or perhaps creating diplomatic treaty issues between humans and non-humans which kept the humans alive for all those centuries, and his village being burned as a precaution just to set an example so that nothing like this could never happen again.