To prevent the delay of suspense even more as we already have. We will immediately go to...

The Castle.

Mysterious voice: King Lacial, sweety? Are you home?

A dark shadow has been cast upon the Castle of... What? ever since the King and his servant had returned. King Lacial, who already wasn't at ease, gives one single shiver. Servant on the other hand is shivering all over his body. A lot of fear-inducing stories start off this way. Something scary would then make even the bravest people weary of their surroundings out of nothing. And King Lacial felt this every time his wife would return.

King Lacial: Eve? Are you home already? I expected you to come back home in a decade or two. Did something happen?

Queen Eve: Not really, I just missed you sweety. Once we reached the borders of our precious country for the thirty-eighth time, I felt a little homesick. And you know how badly I want to get back to check upon my Lacypacey when that happens.

King Lacial: My well hydrated little sugarcucumber, you know that calling each other nicknames is inappropriate with people around?

Queen Eve: Well, it's just Servant here anyway… and he knows everything right? I mean, he even knows about the thing with your foot and-

King Lacial lets out a cough that by law gets converted into a minute long wolf howl. This is to distract anyone for the split second King Lacial is vulnerable to an attack.

Queen Eve: Ah yes, I guess some things should stay private.

Servant: Indeed, or just give me some broccoli to put in my ears as always.

King Lacial: Don't give that tone to my wife, Servant! Broccoli is healthy!

Servant: Yes, my Liege. But not when it's rammed into my ears by you in the first place.

King Lacial: All right, all right.

Queen Eve: So how has my husband been doing lately?

King Lacial: Well… I just had a visit from Richard, so not that good.

Queen Eve: He actually paid you a visit? Or did he take his time to get here?

King Lacial: I guess a little of mine and a little of his. We also stumbled upon a very promising little kid. He may just be able to save our princess from those dragons. He's got a funny little goblin hat you see-

Queen Eve: Iiiinteresting... Have you found out anything about why she's been captured by that dragon?

King Lacial: Well... We found out that we got slapped around with one of our laws sweety.

Queen Eve: Oh?

King Lacial: Yes. That one law you wrote about dragons not being able to get near towers with princesses in them has backfired.

Queen Eve: What?! What happened?

Servant: They surrounded the tower in a 100ft radius. Then closed in together which made the tower spring up from its footing. And then... they just flew away with it.

Queen Eve: So, the restraining order made it so that it keeps towers away from dragons and not the other way around?

Servant: Exactly.

King Lacial: My head hurts.

Servant: That is probably the brightness of those new pink silken curtains.

Queen Eve: Sorry dear, but your old curtains just won't fit the ideas I’ve got for the throne room.

King Lacial: Still, you shouldn't use my head as a ladder dear. What would our neighbors think if they looked out of the window right now?

Queen Eve: No matter. That is what these thick curtains are for in the first place. Let's make some nice changes around here!

And so, they do! The blood on the walls is removed and the castle becomes a few tints brighter grey than it was before. Also due to a lot of law sorting, all of the kingdom is now much brighter and the weather much sunnier. A big cry of relief comes from the villagers in the city. Dogs come out to play again. Children no longer have to jump into the bonfires to keep them alive. Everything is finally back to an everyday life as it was about half a century ago.

Unfortunately for the Evil Wizard in the Evil Tower on the Evil Mountain which, of course, may or may not be actually Evil, it means that the thunderclouds above the tower are now also gone, and the bright sunlight suddenly starts to invade the shadows of the tower; showing it clearly needs some repainting. Still, the two evil spiders that were about to attack our heroes Seth and Twig in the last chapter is making a strong appeal towards evilness that would in the light of these new events consider the tower balanced towards neutrality.

Round One – Twig & Seth's turn.

Twig: Oh my, we're getting turns now?

Seth: I guess so.

Round One - Talking phase over. Action phase commencing.

Twig: Well, this is annoying.

And what's worse… It isn't me talking. How rude!

Seth: You must live in a strange world, narrator.

Round One – Action phase spent whining completed.

Proceeding to turn of the spiders.

Seth: Aw bullocks!

Twig: This can't be good. How much health points do we have anyway?

Seth: I have no clue but - Ouch - Now I have three less than before. I hope it is not that bad.

Twig: Ye-Ouch!-s, I hope so too. Glad I’ve got some poison damage resistance, elseway I'd be dead within three turns!

Round One Complete.

(Seth: Maybe we can talk through this as well?)

Entering Round Two.

(Twig: We can. That might prove to be useful.)

Round Two – Twig & Seth's Turn.

Twig: Yes, I guess it worked. This makes for very asocial behavior in the world though.

Seth: Why do people actually like this?

Round Two - Talking Phase Complete. Action Phase Commencing.

Twig: Action: Deals 3 damage to announcer.

Hey that hurts!

Seth: Action: Fireball deals 5 damage to announcer!

I'm unconscio-...

Seth: Well, that was easy. I guess he does not level. Just like you Twig!

Twig: We did waste a round though. Narrator, do your thing!

Thanks to Seth and Twig I can finally announce the true happenings of the battle. The spiders abuse the time Seth and Twig took to knock out the announcer by biting Seth together at the same time dealing 9+2 combo damage. This brings Seth to his knees, and he cries out in pain.

Seth: This seriously stings. But I am not poisoned at least. Nor crying.

Twig: Lucky you. But remember that when I die, I will respawn in the forest again. It will be a hell of a pain to get back.

Seth: But when I die, I will be gone forever. Right?

Twig: You'd disappear like all those other heroes. Well, after a while. Just after creatures like wolves can first eat the flesh off your-

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Seth: Too graphical Twig. Too graphical.

Twig: Sorry. I seem to forget you're ten sometimes.

Seth pukes over a spider, due to internal organ failure. Dealing three acid damage.

Twig: Wow, that was awesome. Do it again?

Seth: I would rather not.

Twig: Well… Maybe it's asking too much of you, yeah. Hey, did you know this spider will slowly wrap you up first before eating you. And that the crunch of a spider of half an inch can already be heard loudly over five feet if you listen well?

Seth pukes less accidentally over the other spider. Dealing 5 damage - It's a critical hit!

The spider is also blinded in one eye. Meaning that half its attacks could miss!

Seth: Twig... Please stop.

Twig: Hey sure it's my time to attack anyway!

Twig grabs his knife and hits the second spider's other eye for two damage! The spider is completely blinded now! Wait I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah! Spiders have eight eyes. Woops.

Seth: ...

Twig: Ugh.

Sorry guys. Both spiders attack at the same time again. Hitting Twig for nine damage!

Twig: One more hit and I'm dead Seth. Got any good ideas?

Seth quickly observes his surroundings and starts to roadmap all possibilities of attacking in his mind.

Seth: I attack the second spider!

Twig: So... No ideas then?

Seth: Well technically I cannot do anything outside of my own turn, right? But… Have we ever followed everything the narrator suggested before?

Twig: No… Good point. So what now then?

Seth: I was about to attack!

Yes. Yes, you were. Seth charges at the second spider, hitting it with the Mop of Wetness for 4 damage and splashing one damage to the first spider!

Twig: O my Deity, that's witty.

Seth: What is?

Twig: Never mind. The spiders are attacking again.

Seth: Are you not going to attack first?

Twig: I’ve got a plan. Though I will most probably die if it fails.

Spider 1 and 2 are attacking again. Both charging at Twig (Sorry Twig).

Twig: Don't mention it. It's not like YOU could do something about it.

Indeed, I can’t. Spider 2 attacks and... misses! The 25% blinding chance worked. I can calculate quick if required! And spider 1 attacks for-

Twig: Hold on. COUNTER!

Huh? Err let me get the rule book for that.

Twig: Oh yes please take your time. It's not as if I'm in a rush.

Seth: What did you mean before, Twig?

Twig: Well... You were able to make a wand before the Balancing Staff helped out. You produced fireballs where no hero has ever thought of. None of those actions were ever in your action bar that sometimes oddly floated above your head. I can't explain it, but something isn't normal with you.

Seth: You mean other than an under-aged kid whose mother allows him to travel all over the world where 90% of the population wants to kill me?

Twig: Exactly.

Seth: If only I knew...

Ah yes, page 354 of the rulebook states that goblins have a 0.0001% chance to counter an attack.

Seth: Well, that is lucky...

Twig: Not really.

Seth: Huh?

Twig: Well, the last nine hundred and ninety thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine times it failed. So, it was a no-brainer really.

Seth: ...

Twig: What?

Seth: It just unnerves me that you would actually count that.

Twig: Heh... unnerves… likewise.

So yeah... Twig counterattacks the spider for its original damage, which was a critical hit! Twig would've been dead three times over! Now the spider is dead only one and a half times over! Congratulations, you won the fight!

Seth: No, we did not. There is one spider still standing!

Watch me cast this... “spell”!

Liver and onion on a Sunday morning on an empty stomach! See?

Twig: Meheheh, good one Narrator.

Seth: Bwerk!

Seth damages the second spider for another 2 acid damage!

Seth: I am feeling woosy.

Not to worry, because you have won!

Twig: Hurray for Seth's bowel movements!

Seth: I cannot really smile right now.

And while Twig and Seth tries to find food on the Evil Mountain which... You know the rest. We leave them for now to look at the renovated castle! All the thousands of ninja janitors have been busy night and day, literally, to make the castle look completely as if there isn't an evil ruler residing there!

Queen Eve: Now this looks a lot better. See how much everything improves when I come back to visit?

King Lacial: Yes dear…

King Lacial seems completely lost in thought. Queen Eve doesn't seem to notice.

Queen Eve: Now what about those sheds on the right side of our city. They're all dark and gloomy. They'll have to go.

King Lacial: Yes d... But dear, they have to live somewhere. And we can't afford new houses for them.

Queen Eve: I don't care. As long as they're an eyesore, they hurt our country's image. Away with them.

King Lacial: I'll see if I can perhaps relocate them to the mines or something dear.

Queen Eve: If you must. Also, about that blood on the wall. Why on earth did you ever start with that? It's disgusting! It makes us look like evil villains!

King Lacial: But it's ch-

Queen Eve: No, I don't even want to hear some silly explanation. It just had to go. Also, we should redo the whole throne room. Seriously, you’ve sat on the same throne all this time? You know, Queen Amidala switches thrones every two to three months depending on the season and her whims. We can't stay behind on these things.

King Lacial: But dear, the kingdom is so poor already, they finally started to flouri-

Queen Eve: Well, it's about time. You’ve had fifty years of ruling and see what a mess you’ve made of it!

King Lacial: But the economic downfall of your last visit almost killed all the people in our country!

Queen Eve: So what? The kingdom looked downright clean and perfect, didn't it?

King Lacial: That was because there was a 24-hour constant curfew. It just-

Queen Eve: Are we going to have this discussion again? I only come around once every fifty years, and after two hours you already whine as if I've never been gone.

King Lacial: I'm sorry.

Queen Eve: I love you very, very much dear. You know that right? I'm doing this all for you.

King Lacial: I know dear. I know. Just... don't kill too many of the people this time around, ok? It takes two generations to regrow the population.

Queen Eve: Yes, yes. I know how sentimental you are. What about us keeping at least a quarter of them alive?

King Lacial: Thanks dear.

Queen Eve: Do heroes matter? Do you still send the strong ones away while the ugly dance around the town naked?

King Lacial: Do with them as you please. I just generally send them to their deaths in the far west where the demons live.

Queen Eve: Hurray!