Meditation is a lie.

Yeah, that’s how we’re starting.

Now, why would I say that? Because I was at the moment trying it out, expecting that I would feel something, but nope! Not wooorking for me, what a waste of time.

Don’t I sound bitter? Well I am bitter right now.

I heard it was effective to others, but why not for me? Ugh!

Fuck this shit what am I even doing. I am trying to think and get a peace of mind!

Vernon even tried calling me from the other side of the door, but fuck him. I’m not in the mood to play around.

“Haaaaah.”

I got up from my meditation pose after a solemn sigh, yeah, I really tried doing it, so what? I’m in a state where I’m desperate to try something new, or rather some random stuff. But as you can see, it was useless.

I don’t get meditation.

I don’t get it at all.

Forget it.

I walked towards the windows and opened them, the refreshing air instantly came in.

Wait, now that I thought about it, why don’t I have a balcony? Now ain’t that a bitch. Now that I mentioned it, we have no balcony! What the hell?

Shit.

So much for being rich.

I’m a goddess.

Oops, that thought just popped up, sorry about that.

No wait, I’m a goddess, but not exactly? ‘Cause I don’t feel different from a normal human, setting aside my power. Well, I was born from two humans so… maybe I’m part human… Is that how it works? Or do gods even feel any different?

In any case, my family owes me for keeping such an absolutely essential piece of information, it would have helped progress the puzzle as to why I was being hunted.

“Haaaaah — this is pissing me off.”

I lightly tapped my fist on the window sill. It was then that there were knockings on the door.

“Your highness, your Father and Mother calls for you.”

It was a voice that didn’t belong to any of my servants. It must be time then. I exited the room without showing any significant feelings or emotion, I’m not gonna be all weepy. The woman who called me was the maid that served me during rotations in the past, before Mera became my personal maid, Urys.

She formally curtsied, with head bowed low.

“Princess, I shall lead you to the King’s office.”

“Understood. Lead the way.”

I followed Urys and only glanced for a second at my usual trio, Mera in particular looked uneasy, I wonder what’s up with her.

We arrived at the office and I immediately entered inside while acting impatient. Urys turned the lock and then closed the door, now it was certain there would be no intruders or eavesdroppers. This will be an important topic.

Inside was the complete family, Father, Mother, Estevan, and Eleden.

There was silence as I openly showed my displeasure. Mother was looking frightened, Father stiff, Estevan nervous, and Eleden was…confused? Does he know or not?

“My daughter—”

“Hello, Father. Quite a secret you hid from me.”

“Please forgive me, Estelia.”

He slowly walked towards me, but I stepped back.

“What else are you hiding from me? How cruel of you, of all of you to hide my true nature. Despite the reason I learned… don’t you see what’s happening? To keep such a secret from me, unbelievable!”

“...”

It was a piece of astronomical information, not just about anyone, but about me! To think I’m actually involved with gods. Gods! Like, fuck, gods are real, real here and they walked here, leaving a large influence. For all I know, the people hunting me could be working for a fucking god.

I’ll be a small cute puppy trying to bite a lion when I attempt to fight against that. That could have been a fatal, fatal mistake, I was preparing to fight them, you know!

Shit! I might die in a single smite.

Jesus! I might be vaporized with a single thought, granted if the gods were just like how gods were depicted in my old world. But still.

“And you, Estevan? You knew, didn't you?”

Estevan stiffened.

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“Uh, I —Y-Yes, I knew.”

My face contorted into an expression of betrayal.

“So even you hid it from me.”

“No! Wait Estel. I…”

“Enough, you have nothing to explain.” I then turned to Eleden. “You too, Eleden?”

“S-Sister, I don't even know what is being discussed here and what this true nature you speak of.”

Eleden, so the pair of us were kept out of the loop. I’m getting a little feeling of kinship. If the eldest didn’t know, why does Estevan do? Was he told about it only recently?

Doesn’t matter.

“Then, let me tell you what they hid from us, dear brother of mine. We are family after all. That’s fine, yes?”

I gently looked at the others, and there was no refusal.

“You see, Eleden. I am actually the “daughter” of our revered gods, the Goddess of Serenity, and the God of Compassion.”

“Huh?”

He didn’t seem to believe it at first, and his brows wrinkled in puzzlement at the outrageous thing he just heard.

I continued.

“Given that, the founder, the first queen is also their child, we, you, are their descendents. So technically, we should have the blood of the gods, but I guess I’m a special case. From what I discovered, I am the reborn first child of the gods, who once upon a time was killed.”

He grasped his temple, processing what he had just heard.

“.... Is that true? Truly?”

“Yes, brother.”

“To this scale?” he muttered. “Why? Why did you hide it?” he asked Father.

“This is a secret that is supposed to be only known to the rulers, knowledge to be passed down to the ruling monarchs.”

“What else is there, Father? What else about Estelia should we know?”

Father pursed his lips for a second, seemingly hesitant to speak. But immediately gave up as he saw me watching him.

“...There is another title we know about the goddess. She is also known as the Ruling Deity of Blood.”

Blood? Princess of Blood? Ah, so that’s it, huh. The other title was not mentioned in the library documents.

“... So you also have realized why I was called the Princess of Blood...”

“That was supposed to be the title of the first daughter of our gods, yours.”

My brows furrowed. Now this just made me more mad.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you already know why they are targeting me.”

“... We truly do not know, my daughter.”

“Hmph!”

I looked away in frustration.

“My daughter, all the blame falls to me, I made the two of them hide the truth from you. You can get angry at me, only at me... But I ask your forgiveness, Estelia. Please.”

He approached me and grasped both my hands, his expression full of regret. He gently stroked my cheek, rough tough skin as a soldier, but beneath it was a softness from a father’s touch.

I…. I’m not that soft as they think I am. They can’t just ask forgiveness just like that…! But…

I lowered my head gaze with hesitation.

“T-Then, I will forgive you if you grant my requests.”

“Go ahead, tell me, I’ll grant it.”

“I have two, first, grant my request regarding Vernon.”

“... That…”

I have given him plenty of time to think about it, he should have come to a conclusion already.

“I have been thinking about it… Very well, I will leave Vernon to you.”

Oh! That was quick.

“Thank you father.”

“And the second one?”

“Give me access to the Royal Grimoire and let me read it.”

Everyone’s eyes widened upon hearing my request.

“Estelia…” muttered Father. “The Grimoire must only be studied by ruling monarchs, as per tradition.”

“So you wouldn’t do it? Is that too much to ask? Fine then. We’re done here. Forget everything.”

I stepped away.

“Wait Estelia—”

“My life is in danger that death may come for me next sunrise, and yet you wouldn’t do only that much knowing it is for my own sake? I am willing to do whatever it takes to win, even bending traditions, for it is my life. If you wouldn’t do that much for me, then I wonder what value I have to you, to all of you.”

“Estelia how could you say that? I am your father, I love you so much. As does the rest of us.”

Their love was not to the level that they wouldn’t hesitate to bend the rules and break traditions. That meant their rules and traditions were more valuable than me. I am trying to make them think that. What I’m trying to say is, their rules and traditions were more important than their only daughter.

“And yet you would hesitate to grant a request that would give me safety?”

If they still refuse, well, I am on the brink, I have grown impatient, I am pissed, irritated, and trying my best not to verbally swear most of the time. I don’t know what will happen next if I am refused, but… I hope it doesn't come to that.

You know, there is a way to get away from all of this. That is, to run away completely unnoticed. Everyone knows I am a plain innocent princess, defenseless, barely any useful talents in battle. Nor was I brave.

The last thing they'd expect was me disappearing all of a sudden. Escaping from the walls is doable after a time of preparation and planning. My enemies will never realize I have gone and left this place, let them fight their fight. I’ll stay away from this place.

I had enough of this. I want to live, not to survive. Otherwise, it will be the same as last time. If I get away from this place, unnoticed, I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this. The world may be unknown, but normal people seemed to be faring well. That was better than any of this, trying to fight unknown enemies, planning and striving so hard to survive. Once I grow enough strength, I can certainly leave.

But I don’t want to.

That was the one thing keeping me from leaving.

This was home.

I don’t want to leave.

But, human emotion was an unpredictable thing, even to me.

“Estelia…”

“You don’t understand me…” I muttered. “I’m leaving.”

“Estelia.”

“!”

Father grabbed my hand and suddenly pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly, preventing me from going away.

“I’m sorry. I understand you, what you're going through, what you’re feeling. I understand… These times are tough, especially when you’re the center of it all. You don’t deserve this…”

“Father…”

I looked up at him with wide eyes. Then Mother walked towards us and joined in on the hug.

“...” I was left speechless.

“Estelia my dear, you carry a weight so heavy, I… I should have done something to relieve you of them, even for a little. I am also at fault.”

This is too much…

I subtly took a deep breath.

Eleden and Estevan not joining the hug? What a shame… But men will be men… But don’t men also like hugs?

I don’t know anymore.

It took a while before they let go of me. Then Father patted my head.

“I’ll give you access to the grimoire.”

A smile rose from my lips.

“Thank you, father.”

***

I left the room, staying close to my eldest brother. It was then some fellow followed us and called out to me.

“Estel.”

Needless to say, it was my older brother Estevan. Eleden and I turned around altogether.

“Estel, I need to speak with you.”

When he got closer I instantly hid behind Eleden and grabbed the edge of his torso, only peeking at Estevan from the side.

“Estel, I know you’re angry, and I’m so sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

He looked so pitiful, he truly regretted it from the bottom of his heart. And he was afraid that I was so angry at him — well I am.

“Um…”

I completely hid myself behind Eleden again.

Eleden heaved a deep sigh before turning towards me, leaving me unguarded.

“Estelia, don’t hide, okay? Speak with our Brother. He’s being sincere, and I believe that sincerity should be requited.”

“But…”

“No buts… go on, at least speak your mind.”

I meekly nodded my head and slowly turn my head to Estevan.

“... E-Estevan… I, I understand why you did what you did, and I had forgiven you. I am… I still don’t know how I should talk with you after that.”

“...... I understand.”

“Then, if you’ll excuse me, brother…”

I saw Estevan’s sad expression from the corner of my eyes. But I disregarded him.