I saw white walls. I saw children under six years old lining up beside me on both sides. This was familiar, everything here was supposedly one vague memory, but I see it very clearly.

An adult wearing white clothings that resembled a lab coat walked in front of us with a woman beside him. Both their eyes lacked any warmth as they looked at us one by one. I gazed up at them with curiosity, but their eyes merely went past me indifferently.

Then, the scene before me changed. A man with the same clothing as before pressed a device to my wrist, then I felt a stinging pain for only a moment before it turned into a residual pain as they covered it with cotton.

They injected a tiny device into my small wrist, they were tracking devices. To keep monitoring us, to keep tracking us, and reduce the chance of escaping. We wouldn’t be able to hide. But, I had no idea at this time.

They showed us our rooms, and I was joined by other children. Then, came morning and we were brought into another room, chairs positioned all around with a white board at the front.

They then taught us letters and numbers.

Sometime during that, I heard a sound of someone being slapped. There I saw someone, it seems a child was hit by the instructor because of that child’s failure in remembering what was just taught.

I grew frightened.

It prompted all of us to work harder.

Then time passed. We have learned all letters and numbers and a few more.

Another instructor was teaching us another subject. However, I couldn’t understand it at all. In my ears, they were all gibberish. Therefore, I spaced out, bored as I looked at the corners of the room, for no significant reason.

I didn’t realize that the instructor noticed me. Before I knew it, he was already before me, and I saw his hand come at me.

He slapped me on my cheek sending a loud sound echoing in the quiet room. It was so painful that I immediately shielded it and curled up to protect myself.

“You will listen, or else you will receive something much more compared to that.”

His voice was cold that it terrified me along with the pain I felt. Tears coming out of my eyes.

“I’m sorry!”

Then, the scene changed once again.

I was sweating, heavy breathing. Physical training and exercise. Teaching us basic hand to hand combat. However, this time around, we were to fight each other, me and my fellow children.

It wasn’t easy. Fists hit my face and body, feet kicking at me. And me trying to fight back.

Every moment of it was painful.

When we returned to our beds, I couldn’t easily fall asleep. Bruises and wounds filled my body. Even the simple act of laying on my bed caused throbbing pain all over my body. I hated it.

Every day, every night, for days, for months, I would always feel this pain during my sleep.

I hated pain.

But I couldn’t escape from it. There was no chance.

I would often cry quietly as I covered myself in my pillow.

Why do I have to constantly feel pain?

I always asked myself.

But I must not be left behind, or else I would only feel more pain. That was why I must work harder. I must not falter, or the pain would only worsen.

I don’t want any more.

Then, everything around me changed.

Now, I was in a hallway, lined up with my fellows. I did not know why we were sent here. But one by one, someone would enter a room. All of us had no idea what could be inside.

But I was scared. I was always scared of what surprises they would have for us. Nothing good always comes out with it, I know that very well. Mostly, pain awaits at the end of every surprise.

The ones who entered didn’t exit the same door, only making what was inside more of a mystery. There must be another path they were using. They must have decided that it would be best not to show us the result of what could be happening inside.

The thought of it only made me tremble. But there was someone beside me, a friend that would comfort me. His smile was comforting as always that it brought a bit of relief in me.

Then, it was my turn.

I looked up at the adult as he looked back at me. He then guided me inside.

There I saw a single chair, straps on the armrests and by the back, as well as by the footrest. The chair was small, enough to fit everyone at my age.

I became anxious just by looking at it. I felt a terrible ominous feeling from that chair’s presence alone.

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Given with no choice, I sat down on that chair. They tied my arms, my legs, then my neck. I didn’t like this at all. All my movements were restrained. I still have no idea what was going to happen.

“You have been through a fair amount of pain and exercise. Today, you will be put to the test.”

A man in front of me said. His voice lacked any sort of kindness nor pity for anyone.

“Remember, you must endure.”

“W-What do you mean?” I asked him with a trembling voice.

He frowned. He must have not wanted to hear me speak.

Ignoring my question, he gave the order.

“Begin.”

The next thing happened was me screaming.

“AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!”

I couldn’t hold myself from screaming. My throat immediately began to sore.

My body was shaking. Something caused by this chair.

Tears streamed down from my eyes as I received this inscrutable pain. This was more painful than anything I had ever experienced! Why? Why?!

Too much!

My body shook and shook, squirmed and rattled.

My limbs began to numb.

Then, suddenly, the cause of my suffering stopped. I felt a small relief, but it was not much, since the pain was still there. In addition, every part of my body was numb.

I squirmed in my chair, but the restraints held me back. I wanted to get out.

“Please s-stop.”

Stop. Please. I don’t want to feel this much pain.

My pleading however, fell on deaf ears.

“Again.”

My suffering continued.

“AAAAAAAAH!! STOP!”

My cries loudly echoed in this abominable room.

I tried to escape, to run away, but the bonds were unbreakable.

Then it stopped again.

“You have finally experienced being electrocuted.”

I was confused. I now understood what this was. Electricity. What powered the light and machines. It was explained to us once, but I never experienced it firsthand.

“However, you must get used to it. Endure. Pain will always be your companion, so you must be familiar with it.”

No, I don’t want to!

I wanted to cry that out. But I was terrified. I didn’t want to make it worse. Resist and it will only make things worse. It will only intensify the pain. That was what I thought.

“Again!”

Electric current flowed into me again. I feel like I would lose my mind.

I wanted to run away! Anywhere, just away from here!

When will this end?

I had no idea how many times they electrified me. But, at that moment, there was only one thing I learned, that was to endure.

I must endure.

I have no other choice.

I kept screaming, until I couldn’t anymore.

I remember this moment all too well. The first time I experienced the greatest pain I have felt.

However, this did not happen only for one day, but also for many days to come.

Then, my surroundings changed.

In a big chamber. We were lined up again.

However, in front of us there were five other children.

A woman walked forward and faced us, wearing the same white coat as the others.

“You have done well, your performance was satisfactory,” she said.

The woman then faced the five standing in front.

“But you five, have the lowest performance rate. Meaning, you are below the minimum grade that is adamantly and mandatorily required,” she smiled. “Too bad.”

Under her coat, she pulled out something. I recognized it. A weapon, a pistol.

“You five, are failures. And you know what will happen to failures, hm?” the woman faced us with a smile.

Then, a loud bang erupted. I froze as I watched. A child among the five fell to the ground, a hole in head, red blood spreading to the floor. I trembled at the sight. Terror crawling into my heart.

“This is what will happen.”

As the remaining four stood in shock, four more roars came out of the weapon in the woman’s hand.

Four more corpses fell to the floor. Four children died, killed in front of me.

All of us were frozen in shock. I wanted to look away, but I know, we know, if we look away, it will only call the wrath of the woman who took the life of the five children upon us.

“Let this be an example to all of you. So do a good job, okay?”

Her voice sounded playful and warm, which only made her more terrifying.

I didn’t want to receive the same fate.

Therefore, I must not disappoint.

Then the scene changed again.

My breathing was rapid. A knife in my hand.

There was blood on my hands. Around me were numerous children, dead, lying on the floor. The scent of blood linger in the air, as the red fluid formed puddles on the white floor.

The many dead children had weapons along with them. This was a battle. All of us had to fight.

Only one must survive.

And… I was the one to kill most of them.

I had no choice. I didn’t want to die. I must fight. That was what was ordered. And we must not disobey.

And now, my last opponent was beneath me, my knife raised above him. However, I didn’t kill him yet. I couldn’t. How could I? Why did we have to be enemies here?

“What are you waiting for?”

His voice reached my ears, my hands holding the knife trembled.

“I…”

I couldn’t. He was my closest friend. I don’t want to kill him. Therefore, even though this was what I must do, I hesitated.

Tears welled up in my eyes.

“This wouldn’t do… you must do it.”

“I… can’t.”

“You’ve won this fight, so you must kill me.”

I shook my head vigorously as my eyes looked away.

“Hey, look at me.”

I couldn’t.

“Look at me,” he repeated it, his voice was warm as always.

I looked at his eyes.

“There’s no other way. Do this… for you to survive.”

“...”

I firmly held the knife, but I couldn’t bring myself to bring it down.

“N-No…”

I refused.

Then, another voice chimed in, coming from the speakers installed in the room.

“Subject 218, finish it, now.”

It was talking to me. But…

“Hey.”

My friend called out to me.

“It’s going to be alright. Live a good life for me, okay?”

I could only stare at him with my eyes full of tears.

“Do it.”

I didn’t want this. But, I cannot escape. If I don’t do this, then it wouldn’t end.

I closed my eyes as I brought down my blade.

I took my own friend’s life.

I couldn’t bear to look at him. Perhaps I was still denying the fact that he was dead. No longer to be at my side. Comfort me when I am sad. Unable to see his warm smile again.

I stood up, and headed to the door.

Only then a man came inside.

“You have done well, 218. However, I must say, wipe those tears away.”

I followed his order and wiped my tears.

“You must not cry for such a thing. Humans are merely obstacles in your path. They are nothing more, nothing less.”

He cupped my chin and forced me to look at his indifferent eyes.

“People are of no importance. If they stand in your way, take them off your way, eliminate them if you must. If necessary, use them. People could only either be obstacles, or tools for you to use. Rid of emotions towards them, emotional attachments are only a nuisance in achieving your goals.”

He paused before continuing.

“This is what you, all of you should always remember. Engrave it into your mind. Do you understand, Subject 218?”

“....... I understand.”

I didn’t want to remember this. I didn’t want to see this. Why was I seeing this again?

I don’t want to be reminded of this...

Then like a fleeting dream, everything around me dissipated like smoke, then everything changed.

However, there was an entirely different color in this world.

It was brighter.

In front of me was a large garden. Numerous flowers filled my sight. The sun radiated brightly in the beautiful blue sky. A view I couldn’t see in that place.

“Estelia.”

“Mother!”

I said excitedly as a woman hefted me up.

“Let’s go to the garden!” I said.

“Okay, if you say so, dear.”

This memory, I remember. This was me. Estelia.