I, along with the rest of the room, turn as a woman bursts from the kitchen. She’s wearing dark pants and a sleeveless shirt. An apron is tied around her neck, the once pristine white stained in multiple places. Curly, light brown hair peppered with gray is tied up with a white cloth, a few strands falling into her face. Her high cheekbones and hawkish nose make her look like a bird of prey swooping down on us.

That and the knife in her hand.

Arthur’s enthusiasm wilts, his eyes losing their glow and his excited smile turns into a sneer. “What do you want, old woman?!” he roars. “Can’t you see we’re busy? Take your saggy tits back to your kitchen.”

“You arrogant brat!”

I weave out of the way of the flying knife. Arthur ducks, saving his face from being skewered as the blade buries itself in the wall hilt deep.

That’s an impressive throw.

But it’s only a feint. The real attack is a small ball of water that throws Arthur backward after splashing on his chest. He crashes into the table, shattering it.

The woman stands over him, a disc of water spinning over her shoulder. “You think I have to put up with your shit forever, you stupid balls for brains? I should do the world a favor and castrate you right now!”

“Jealous hag!” he sputters while sitting up. He’s quite sturdy, isn’t he? “Don’t think you can threaten me into sleeping with you!”

“Useless pig! That’s it! I’m carving you up and selling you off. At least you’ll finally serve a purpose as monster chow. Especially that piece of shit crammed between your ears where a brain should be.”

“Fuck! A few decades without good dick can really make women crazy.”

Alright, I’ve had enough of this farce.

“Excuse me, miss?”

“Hm?”

I put on my most charming smile as she turns to me. “Hello. My name is Lou.”

“And? Speak up, girl.” She scowls. “Don’t tell me you’re one of the punk’s girlfriends. Should I cut out your useless brain too?”

“My brain is far from useless and in perfect working order.” His girlfriend? I think a little part of my soul just withered and died at the thought. “So are my manners. A beautiful woman shouldn’t dirty her hands with this trash. Allow me to handle this for you.”

“Huh. I’ll be a whaleshark belly-up on the beach. Go on, then.” She gestures for me to ‘get on with it’.

“HEY! Don’t ignore me—”

I take two quick steps in his direction and slam my heel against the side of his head. He drops like a bag of stones. I don’t stop there, tenderizing him like a raw steak. At some point in the beating, he wakes up again, but I swiftly knock him out again with another blow.

I stop once every inch of his body is covered in boot prints. I’m loathed to touch him but I swallow my disgust, grabbing him by his unruly and disgustingly greasy hair before dragging him out of the restaurant. Erin gapes at me as I toss him outside the door, clear of the door. It wouldn’t do to upset traffic.

I re-enter the restaurant to stunned faces. I flash the room a friendly smile before making my way to my friends and the satisfied-looking owner.

“Hmph! You’re not all talk,” the owner says. She flashes me a wicked smile but I take notice that she’s still brandishing her knife. “So? Are you going to order something or are you just taking up space?”

“…order something, I suppose.” The three girls in the booth hurry off and I claim a seat, smiling up at the boss. “May I have a menu?”

“Do I look like a server?” she scoffs. She swings her glare around the rest of my group. William doesn’t need anymore encouragement, hastily taking a seat across from me. Alana and Marthe are slower on the uptake but follow suit. My friend raises a brow when Marthe beats her taking a seat next to me and reluctantly settles next to William. “Just wait for the food.”

“I guess we’re getting the house special,” I mutter as the boss stalks off back to the kitchen. “What does this place serve anyway?”

“Seafood,” William pipes up helpfully. “Miss Ora’Erana is from Graywatch. She…retired but uses her connections to have the freshest fish in the Grand Hall shipped in.”

“Retired from Graywatch?” Either she is very strong or very lucky. Everything I’ve heard about the rumored fortress by the sea is that the murky waters may as well be the entrance to the Abyss for all the horrible monstrosities swimming in them.

And if the monsters under the sea weren’t enough, the area is ripe with pirates. The kingdom isn’t going to risk knights chasing them out onto the sea in a bid for mutual destruction. The best they can do is keep them to the coast. Graywatch and its surroundings are a lawless, chaotic cesspool.

May explain why the lady boss is so keen on carrying knives.

“There’s no need to be worried,” William assures us. “The food here is amazing. I’m sure you’ll be satisfied no matter what dish she brings out.”

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“As long as the shiny is paying.”

“Yes, yes.” I ignore Marthe’s smug smile as I lean over the table. “But I think you need to be worried, Willie. What was that…animal you just tried to pass off as a teammate? Hm?”

He has the good grace to wince. “As I said, Arthur is a bit…abrasive.”

“Abrasive?” Alana says dryly. I scowl, remembering him putting his arm around her. My fingers twitch with the urge to strangle the life out of him. Maybe I was too lenient? “He’s a crude asshole who thinks he’s far, far more charming than he is.”

“Yes, he, ah, gets ahead of himself when it comes to the fairer sex.” He pointedly ignores my glare at that gross understatement. “However, his skills are real. And your…rejection of his behavior should be enough for him to get the message. I swear, he’s a much better person than first impressions would suggest.”

I don’t much care if he’s another future saint destined to save the whole kingdom. “On the tiniest chance that we need five members to pass the qualifier, I’m considering letting him on. As long as everyone accepts the very real chance that he’s going to do something incredibly stupid and I’m going to kill him.” What if, saints forbid, he had done something more than grab her?

I would have really killed him. Taken his head off before I could think twice.

“My thanks—”

“William.” I cut him off with a rare serious tone, one that garners everyone’s attention and straightens his spine. “I’m serious. I’ll really kill him.” This is not an empty threat or an exaggeration. If that grabby-handed mongrel does something like that again, he’ll lose his life. “You and he both need to understand that before you agree. It’s truly life or death.”

“…I understand, Lady Tome. I’m happy to agree and I’m sure Arthur will be too. A beating is not enough to dissuade him.”

That was more than a beating. I was careful not to break any bones, I think, but he’ll be lucky if anything doesn’t hurt in a few hours. Or a few days. Maybe a saintly passerby will take pity on the lump of meat and—

“GAGGGGHHHHH!”

I turn with the rest of the restaurant as the doors are thrown open. A bloody Arthur stands in the doorway like the newly risen dead. He spits out a bloody wad before stomping inside. Along the way, he snatches a free chair, dropping into it the wrong way beside our booth.

He levels a big, meaty finger at me. “I don’t know how the hell you expect to find a husband, you vicious bitch.”

“I don’t know how you expect to live a long life, you imbecile. And I am happily married, thanks.”

He scoffs. “What fool’s family did you buy off?”

“My wife is no fool and she certainly isn’t with me because of the Tome family’s secret treasury.” We’ve managed to keep it secret for so long because it doesn’t exist, ha.”

“Wife?” He turns toward Alana. She sneers. I bristle, fingers twitching with more urgency. “That explains why you decked me. Heh. Maybe you married your wife for her money if you’re already trying to hook a better-looking fish, heh.”

Oh, how little you know. “You know, I don’t want to discuss my relationships with you.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t matter. All I need to know is right here.” He points to his mangled face, grinning broadly. “From the way you hit, you’re more bear than girl. Will, you’ve found a good team!”

William winces. “Arthur, at least have the grace to properly thank them.”

“Bah! They’re lucky you brought them to me. I can handle all these guppies calling themselves initiates by myself.” He flexes his arms, kissing a bicep. I try not to gag as he ignored the blood and dirt covering him. I hear Alana mutter “Pig,” under her breath. “You can thank me by surrendering your bodies for a night. Though that’s more of a treat for you than me, hah!”

There are…so many things wrong with what he just said. So many things.

I change my mind.

“Don’t.” I look over at Alana who shakes her head. “I know what you’re thinking. You’re right that we might need a fifth to pass the qualifier. I’ll ask around but we shouldn’t get rid of him until we have someone confirmed to take his place.”

“Hah! I’d like to see who’ll replace me. I’ll challenge the fool and bury him.”

“What does it matter if he’s a dog?” Marthe says with one of her usual scoffs. “We only have to see each other for a few days to complete the quest. Unless the shiny can’t stand the lowly commoner offending her shininess.”

“I swear to the saints, if you keep using that stupid insult, I’m throwing you out next,” I growl. Come on! It doesn’t even make sense!

“Lou, I don’t want to have to go searching for two teammates.”

“What makes you think she’d win?”

Alana gives her a look before shaking her head. “Things would be so much simpler if she was as incompetent as she comes off as.”

“Hey!” That kind of stung.

With perfect timing, a girl dressed as someone’s dirty reimagining of a farmer’s daughter skips over to the booth carrying a large platter. “Shrimp’s up! Boss says the bites are free for taking out the trash.”

Her cheerful personality disappears as she looks at Arthur. “Not for you. Wash up, would you? If you drive any customers, you’ll be paying for them.”

“Bah!” Arthur rises from his chair with low grumbles. A stray hand reaches for the girl’s behind but she expertly twists out of the way, her glare scathing. The pig is completely unbothered, chuckling to himself as he walks off.

I grab a shrimp off the tray and eagerly pop it into my mouth. Summer Spire is pretty far from the coasts and there aren’t many ways to move fish without it going bad. Seafood is incredibly rare and even more expensive. A rare treat.

I doubt Marthe appreciates or cares about the incredible journey her food must have taken to get to her as she shovels the shrimp down. William eats more sedately while Alana is abstaining. I raise a brow but she shakes her head. Not a fan, I suppose. I’ll have to make note of that.

“Hey.”

I look up at the farm girl, who’s giving us a skeptical look. “Are you really going to team up with Arthur for the Hall’s test?”

I swallow before answering. “…it appears so. Reluctantly.”

“Hm. Well, you should watch your skirts. He’s a dog.”

“I’m aware,” I say dryly.

“Uh-huh, but he’s strong. His father crewed with the boss during her fishing days. That lot are all animals so I’m not surprised. We all cleaned up our acts once we left the gray but he still acts like he’s stepping onto shore after five months on the water, the brat.”

I don’t get it. “He’s the son of a…fisherman?”

The young woman smiles at me, though it feels more mocking than friendly. I turn to William as he clears his throat. “Lady Tome, I’m sure you know the situation in Graywatch. It is polite for those with…ambiguous roles on the water to simply refer to themselves as fisherman in casual conversation.”

Ah. He’s the son of a pirate. Or maybe a smuggler. “I see.” Explains…him, I suppose. Though nothing can excuse such an atrocious lack of manners.

“Anyway, I just thought I’d give fair warning. You look like you can handle yourselves.” She quickly glances at the wall. “Will, you keep an eye on him. If that mutt starts another issue, Boss is definitely going to feed him to the fish.”

“I’ll be sure to.”

“Great. Your meals will be out in a jiff.” Her bright smile is back in place as she hurries off to another table.

Hm. So, our team is comprised of a firebrand who hates nobles, a godling who is also a noble, a future saint who is a noble bastard, a wet noodle competing with his family to become a noble, and a pig son of a pirate or other.

Haha, what can go wrong?