“How do you feel?"

“What the f**k did you mean how do I feel!? You shoved a sattelite antenna into my heart like a wooden stake!!"

It was the Year 1970, the peak of the historical Race to Space. To be exact, it was a few months prior the incident of Apollo 13’s failed landing on the moon.

This shuttle codenamed the Athabasca was sent to reach the moon, exactly how the great Neil Armstong and his crew had, to continue NASA’s study on the moon’s surface. Not sure if this was a part of a growing bad luck that led to the ultimate accident that the Apollo 13 would experience, but this ship ended up landing on a comet.

It was an accident, more or less. The moment the expedition reached the moons orbit, a space rock just up and flew under their landing gears.

You know that moment when you find the perfect parking spot, and some jack@ss cuts in to steal it from you...That kind of arsholery.

Worse, the shuttle messed up on its emergency landing and somehow dropped on top of a homely looking cave deep in the comet's chasm.

It looked like someone's house.

“I-I’m sorry. I-I just got my Learner’s license.”

“THE F**K? AND YOUR CAR IS A SPACE SHUTTLE!? I MAY BE A VAMPIRE, BUT I’M NOT AN IDIOT!”

“I-I’m, I'M SO SORRYYYYYYYY!”

The Athabasca Shuttle was okay, but it was still in bad shape. If NASA were to get an image from their Hubble Telescope, they would surely laugh. Because the million dollar craft was stuck into the comet's crater, like an ostriche hiding its head from the world.

The one responsible for this mess, was on her own. It's not like she abandonned her team, rather her fellow astronauts were still stuck inside of the ostriche shuttle. It just so happened that there was this petite crack in the hull that only one person of small stature could squeeze herself out.

The Shuttle Driver was chosen, and it was not at all by volunteer. She still felt the Space Commander's boot throbbing on her round and vacuum insulated butt.

“I-it’s all my fault! I should have paid more attention to manual drive! I relied too much on automatic!!"

“I highly doubt there’s that kind of system on a complicated vessel like a spaceship, but that’s not important! Guugh! Get this piece of cr*p stick out of my heart! I-it's still receiving messages from a sattellite calling itself Sputnik and talking in a language that makes no sense ot me! G-get it out! Get it ouuuuut!"

"...Um...I-I'm not the Medical officer. I-I'm the designated driver. I-I have no authority on-on the matter of open heart surgery and---"

"I DON'T GIVE A FLYING F**K, JUST DO SOMETHING!"

The Astronaut Girl was confused. At the age of 10, she dreamed of flying to the moon on a magical sleigh pulled by a fleet of prancing unicorns. In highschool, she devised an elaborate science fair project of filling every balloon in the world with helium to attempt to bypass the atmosphere. In college, she straightened out her messed up priorities and finally devoted her time in math and astrophysic.

After so many years slaving in ridiculous training regimes and inhuman preperations... she finally had her chance to drive her own space shuttle.

And she realized, she f**ked up when she didn't pay attention to the 'space roads' ahead. That was how the comet blind-sided her and slipped right under the ship's feet. She was too careless, she shouldn't have been oggling at the controls and touching them as if a man's hard abs.

Yet, she ended up crashing in what looked like a set from a fantasy world, even when the sky above was nothing but the jaws of the comet's chasm and the rolling stares above her head. The base of the abyss was covered in fresh looking grass, some exotic looking alient butterflies flapping around.

Lying in her arms was this human-like extra terrestrial, with skin paler than her own space suit and had noticeable fangs peeking from his lips.

Not to mention a big@ss iron spike that was originally the antenna from one of the probes loaded on the Athabasca Shuttle going right through his heart.

If this creature was truly a vampire, he surely would have been killed... yet, he was scowling like the Astronaut Girl spilled milk over his tunic.

"You destroyed my house! Do you know how long it took to build it, when this comet has f**king zero gravity and rolling around in the void like a drunk sailor! 10 years. 10 f**king years! I just finished it this morning, what do I get for a house warming gift? A HUMAN @SSHOLE SHOVING A SHUTTLE UP MY HOUSE'S @SS!"

"...Wait, that thing that looks like a medieval water well is your house? It's rather small, don't you think?"

"Once this radio spike is removed from my chest, I will punch in the glass helmet."

"Geg!? P-please don't! M-my blood will get sucked out in the wrong way and I'll explode from the vacuum! Th-this suit is my only means of survivaaaaaal!"

"Tch. You're lucky this area above Earth is considered international waters, or else I would have sued your padded @ss!"

"Kyaa! P-please don't make fun of how puffy my butt is! I-it's the vacuum insulators in my suit, I swear!"

The Vampire-like Alien let out a groan. Even when he was in open space, he did not need any kind of specialized equipment to protect his bare skin from the extreme cold of the space. Not even a breathing mask to ensure his lungs don't crush themselves from the vacuum.

Maybe it was the microgills he had in his neck, that filtered out minitaturized oxygen provided by the comet, or maybe he had a special DNA that allowed him to survive in a vacuum.

Regardless of how the science works, one thing remained clean that any scientist or researchers would be able to notice was this. The Vampire Alien looked p*ssed.

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“U-um...H-how are you still alive with a stick up your heart?”

“I’m a sub-breed of vampires. All of our hearts are born on the right side, instead of the regulat left."

"E-er...Why is a Vampire living up here in space? Did you get lost when you're flying as a bat?"

"You're making fun of me, aren't you?"

".................................N...no."

"Rascist b@stard. My acnestors were kicked out from Transyvania by the snobbish garling hating mobs during the idiot Dark Ages. The nobles went as far as hiring wizards to hex my entire clan to be trapped on a boulder and slingshotting us into the heavens. They though the sun of their god would burn us, but we ended up living on this floating space rock for countless generations...."

"...What number are you now?"

"125th."

"Uwaaaah. Such dedicated family."

"Such devotion is useless now after you've smashed my house in! It's part of our mating ritual to build a home with our own two hands before a potential mate would be my wife! I thought I would finally get my chance to get a good catch after finish building my house for 10 long years, but you just had to f**k it up."

"I'm sorry. I'm super sorry. I-if I can contact Houstan, I-I'll ask them to a-arannge for appropriate compensation for your losses. On behalf of the United States Space Program, I apologize!"

"Yeah, by the time you humans figure out how to wire transfer money from ground zero to above orbit, I would be a withered old man in vampire standards. My ability to breed would have been obselete by then... Congratulations, Miss Astronaut, you've just ended a family line today."

"NYAAAAAAAAH! TH-THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! IT'S A BAD DREAM! EVERYONE IN NASA WILL THINK I'M AS EVIL AS HERNAN CORTEZ WHO WIPED OUT THE ENTIRE AZTEC EMPIRE! NO! I DON'T WANT THAT TITLE! I HONESTLY DON'T WANT TODAY'S INCIDENT TO BE RECORDED AS BEING THE WORST MOMENT IN AMERICAN HISTORY COMPARED TO THE WATERGATE SCANDAL! NOOOOO!"

The Astronaut Girl gave that epic wail while she grabbed her head. Or at least tried to grab her head, but ended up gripping her vacuumed mittens to the side of her fish-bowl like helmet. With the way she was turning her head inside, her body shimmying in her dilemma, and her hands on her helmet... it was only a matter of time she would accidentally twist the locking mechanism and pop her head piece off.

Luckily, the Vampire cleared his throat loudly to get the girl's attention so she didn't accidentally remove her own safety gear apart.

"...Coud we please return to the matter at hand. We'll talk about your punishments later."

"Uwaaaah. I-I can't see. Th-the tears are floating in my eyes and-and I can't wipe them off...Sniff...Wh-what do I do?"

“How about pulling this radio stake from my heart?"

"...Hnnnnng.....Hnnnnnnng. Sorry, I-I can't pull it out."

"Are you even trying?"

"I-it's super hard to use my upper body strength with this clunky space suit on. Not to mention, it's zero gravity! The closet experience to moon-level weightlessness back on Earth was from training where the plane dives down for us to free fall inside the hull!"

"Excuses, excuses. No wonder you humans took a millenia before even attempting to put your foot in space."

".......................A...America landed on the moon! O-one small step for man, o-one giant leap for man--"

"Please. We Vampires been using the Moon as our honeymoon suite while you were still busying exploring the world by wooden ships. It's top on the list of the most romantic locations in the universe, second to Mercury."

"..........................................Wh...why do I feel like my hopes have been shattered.....Sniff... I-I want to go home now."

"AFTER, you pluck this spike from my heart...D*mn it. I'm homeless and I might be kicking the bucket.... F**k, I was so looking forward to meeting my potential bride...... I haven't even held a vampire girl's hand yet!"

In the end, the Vampire who had a radio antenna stabbed through his chest looked like he was going to cry. You would think Vampires don't show emotions or think it was beneath them, but still it didn't hurt ot let some tears of sorrow out. The more he tried to bite his lips to hold them back, the more they bubbled out from the corner of his gaze.

Somehow, the Astronaut Girl stuffed in a thick space suit felt guilty upon seeing the Vampire's tears starting to float above his head from zero gravity.

"........Hnnnng....Hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng!"

"Put your back into it, human. The radio spike still hasn't budged in my chest."

"I-it can't be helped! I-I'm wearing mittens for all things! It has zero traction! I can't even take them off to improve my grip without suffering from exploding into the vacuum...Maybe if I used the prototype robot arm from the shuttle..."

"What? That giant ogre's arm with the name CANADA written on it... Oh h*ll no. Th-those pincers are the size of my body! Vampire or not, I still have super soft organs inside of my body, I'll be crushed harder than a tomato! And I have absolutely ZERO confidence if YOU were the one to commandeer an expensive and complicated looking piece of equipment."

"......Sniff. I-I told you, I-I just got my driving's license... sniff."

"Oh buck up, human. I hate to see a girl cry."

Minutes turned into hours, hours turned into more hours. But no matter what they tried or planned, neither party could remove the 1 meter long satellite antenna that was buried deep into the Vampire's chest. As much as it didn't kill him, it was evident he was getting bored and exhausted while being pinned to the comet's grass like some kind of butterfly on display.

At this rate, he soon felt into a quick phase of depression.

"...This is it...I'm going to be stuck here, alone... no girl would ever bond with me. No house, no finances, and no movement....F**k...F******k... Sorry Great-great-great-grandmammy... I can't give you 30 children to bounce on your lap...Sob."

".......Good luck Mr. Vampire."

“HEY! DON’T TURN YOUR BACK ON ME YOU IRRESPONSIBLE HUMAN!”

"I WEIGH CLOSE TO NOTHING ON THIS PIECE OF SPACE ROCK! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU!"

"AT LEAST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU DID! THIS IS YOUR MESS AFTER ALL!"

"............................."

"............Sh*t...Am I really going to wither alone like this... "

"I'll do it."

"I told you. You humans haven't even scratched the full potential of space travel. How the h*ll are you going to wire transfer money for me to compensate for my house? What are you going to do, inflate a big@ss balloon full of helium and send the money up in a tied shoebox!?"

"I'll be your girfriend."

"............................................................"

"Th-that's whay you wa-want right? You're right, I-I caused all of this mess for not paying attention to the space route... It's my fault th-that your bloodline is in jeopardy, I........I'll do it, I'll be your... mate."

"Sign these papers."

"HEH!? S-SO SOON! I-I'M STILL NOT READY FO-FOR MAKING THINGS OFFICIAL! TH-THERE IS NO WAY I'M GOING TO MARRY I-IN THIS DIRTY AND SECOND-HAND SPACE SUIT, EVEN IF IT'S WHITE ON THE OUTSIDE!"

"Since the day you humans ejected us Vampires into space, we've lost all trust from you. The only way to truly know you won't break any promises, is that you sign this magically binding contract... Don't give me that look, we may not be humans but we respect legal contracts above all us. Now sign!"

"...Uwaaah. Wh-why do I feel like this is a set up."

"Aah. My the radio spike in my chest hurts. I-I can't see the light anymore. I-it's going dark..."

"I'LL DO IT! I'LL SIGN! J-JUST DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES INTO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD!"

And it was done. The Astronaut Girl did her best to sign these... papers that the Vampire had pulled out of his pocket. Given the level of difficulty to write with a mitten, especially one designed to protect the body from the vacuum of space, all of her writing turned out a scribbles. 

It was only when she used both mittens together to at least spell her name in clear letters, was the contract signed completely.

"........Hyup."

"HEH!? HEH!? H-HOW CAN YOU STAND UP WITH A 1 METER RADIO SPIKE SHOVED INTO YOUR CHEST!"

"Oh. Sorry, did I forget to tell you, my breed of vampires have incredible strength☆."

"YOU CHEATED! YOU COMPLETELY CHEATED!"

"Not exactly. This contract clearly defines you will be my mate in order to make up for the disaster you've done to my house. Legally speaking, this is legitimatly binding. We're not husband and wife...Keh-hee."

"...IMPOSSIBLE! A-AND ASTRAONAUT LIKE ME WAS DUPED!?"

"Now, miss Space Girl...Let's get thoroughly acquainted."

"HELP! HELP! SPACE COMMANDER! HELP ME! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

There was one thing the Astronaut Girl failed to grasp... in Space, no one can hear her scream.

"Oh pipe down, it's not like I force you...besides, you're kind of cute. Let's live in that shuttle of yours together♥."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"