Chapter 11
KRISTIN BAOK
Kristin felt numb. Absolutely numb. Like someone had shot up every nerve with enough novocaine to make an elephant collapse.
It was as if someone had pulled him from his body. If he had more energy, Kristin was sure he'd be shaking like a leaf in the wind.
Upon reaching camp, Kristin had locked himself in his room, sitting on the edge of his bed and cradling his head in his hands. He'd pinched himself more times than he could count and had pleaded with Ashley to come back and wake him from what was surely a nightmare.
No nightmare he'd ever had was ever that vivid, but the alternative made the shattered pieces of his heart crumble further. It must me a nightmare. It had to be.
"Please, Ashley," he whispered, voice hoarse from crying.
Their entire lives, they had hardly spent more than a few moments away from each other. Attached at the hip wasn't far from the truth.
The two days it had been since he'd last seen Ashley —alive, he thought bitterly— were the longest he'd ever been away from his brother. The longest by far, and the thought of staring down the rest of his life without him terrified Kristin. He didn't know how he'd do it. Whenever he needed anything, Ashley had been there to lend a hand, whatever it might've been.
Kristin ran his hands through his hair. How the world hadn't stopped spinning since Ashley wasn't in it, he had no idea, but fear wrapped its talons around his chest as he began to try to think what a world without Ashley might look like. He stopped those thoughts before they could take hold.
I can't, Ashley, Kristin thought. I can't do this. You're supposed to be here. How am I supposed to live without you?
His eyes burned and watered, though no tears fell.
"Hey, Kristin?" Ferris's tentative voice sounded from the other side of his door. He rapped his knuckle against it a few times.
"Yeah?" Kristin managed to croak after a few moments.
"Charlie and I found something you should probably see. It's a book from Ashley's room. We think it might be a journal, though we thought we should all take a look together."
"What were you doing in Ashley's room?" Kristin's voice came out harsher than he intended, and he exhaled slowly in an attempt to calm down.
"Charlie was returning some books of his she had borrowed. We didn't move anything except for the journal."
Kristin pressed his fist to his mouth as a slow tear rolled down his cheek. Why, Ashley? Why did you have to be taken from me? You didn't deserve it. You should be here right now, Ashley.
"Take as long as you need, Kristin. We'll be out in the kitchen at the table. Whenever you're ready, we can take a look at the book, whether that's now, in an hour, or a few days from now. There's a glass of water just outside your door. I thought you might want it. If you need anything, just ask. This is a very tough time for all of us, but especially for you."
Kristin heard Ferris's footsteps fade, followed by the sound of a chair scraping across the ground.
He knew he should go out and see what Charlie had found, what the journal of Ashley's really was, but he couldn't bring himself to move. The emptiness in his chest chipped away at his insides, and the numbness consumed more and more of his body. If this was what he felt like now, how would he survive the rest of his life without Ashley?
Cat's Cradle required one to be on high alert at all times. Street smart as well, and book smart was a bonus. Knowing who to trust was also a requirement. But more so knowing that you shouldn't trust, and, at the very least, be extremely careful who you trust: Cat's Cradle teemed with masters of acting and with far-less-than-pure intentions and who could weave the most tantalizing of stories at a moment's notice. Fame, glory, money, all within reach. Just sign here, and it's yours.
Kristin and Ashley had become the other's rock. Kept the other safe when someone had started to lure the other in with those alluring whispers. Found food, water, shelter, occasionally some small gift as a surprise, either after saving up scrounged cash or pickpocketing, when supplies were running low. Created signals, both verbal and silent, for when danger was near or they were about to be found out for living where they shouldn't or for stealing.
What was he supposed to do without his other half?
Charlie glanced up when Kristin cracked open his door and picked the glass of water off the ground, but she looked away and gave him space as he tried to muster the energy and the willpower to leave his room. He took a sip from the glass before setting it on his dresser.
He could do it. He could walk out to the kitchen and look at Ashley's journal. Kristin ran a hand over his face and ran his fingers across his hair to straighten it out. No one would care what he looked like, but he needed to stall just a little longer to convince himself that he really could.
"Hey, Kristin." Ren offered a small smile when he reached the table.
"Is that his journal?" He folded himself onto the chair, sitting on the very edge.
"I think so." Charlie pushed it across the table. Kristin's heart raced in his throat as he pulled it toward himself with shaking hands.
The cover was made from worn leather, and the title —Pockets of Gold and Silver— had been carved in by hand. But beneath the title was a name that wasn't Ashley's. Kristin didn't know whose it was. "Caspian Lyon?"
"It's Ashley's pen name. If you open it, he wrote an introduction of sorts," Ferris said.
Kristin nodded and flipped open the cover. The first page was blank, save for a few smudges of what was probably ink. The second was filled with neat writing, words shaped by a hand Kristin knew could only have been Ashley's. He ran his fingers over the paragraphs, and his heart clenched in his chest. His lip quivered as he read what Ashley had written.
Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
Aah, aah, aah, Charlie. Who's been going through my books again? *shakes head slowly and clicks tongue*
I've seen this enough in books to know it's really quite cliché, but it's true so bear with me. If you're reading this, I'm probably dead. And if I'm not, put this back right now.
I've hidden this book, Pockets of Gold and Silver, in plain sight where no one would look at it twice except for you, Charlie Springs. Only someone who either went through literally every single book on my bookshelves or who knew the patterns would be able to find it. In case you were wondering, a book called Pockets of Gold and Silver actually did get released, and it was written by one Caspian Lyon. Roar. Look him up. I've heard he's very attractive. His Muse profile (CaspianLyonAuthor) is full of selfies of himself. Don't worry, they aren't photoshopped THAT much. The book is about some kids who robbed a bank. It really wasn't a very good story and the plot was really quite terrible, but if anyone were to look it up, they'd see it's an actual book you could buy. Caspian Lyon has even written other books available for purchase. This copy —the real Pockets of Gold and Silver— needed to remain hidden, hence the wonderful Caspian Lyon's mediocre writing.
Only you, Charlie, knew the patterns I sorted my books under. For someone who spent as much time hunting around on the shelves as you have, I knew you'd be able to figure out that some weren't in the right order. And I also knew you wouldn't be able to resist taking a closer look and solving the puzzle since all of my books were always in the correct order. I knew you'd find this book.
And so, if you're reading this, chances are I'm dead. And Charlie, I'm glad you found this book.
Please, read it. Go through every page. It's my journal from a year ago when the SFPU (still think we should've gone with Pocket Forest... but alas) first started until now. It should explain everything, including why I didn't tell you all about some things. But, please, do not share this journal with anyone but yourselves. It's important that the information in here stay secret until all the details have been figured out.
And if I am dead, please know that I cherish each and every moment I've spent with every one of you and that I wouldn't trade my time here for anything.
Kristin, I love you. You are the best brother and twin anyone could've ever asked for. You were always there for me whenever I needed you. I'll love you forever and ever. It'll all be ok. It'll all be ok. It'll all be ok. Read that as many times as you need. Here's a written paper-and-ink hug for you.
Tears rolled down Kristin's cheeks, and he closed the journal. He drew in a shaky breath. Ashley had always known what he needed, now even in death. He'd known Kristin would want a hug, would want to hear it would be ok. Ferris rubbed his shoulder.
Thank you, Ashley, he thought and hoped Ashley would receive the message. Hoped that his brother was still out there somewhere, because he couldn't begin to think the thought that Ashley was completely gone, that he had been completely wiped from existence, that Ashley Baok no longer existed in any form. Perhaps Ashley's ghost wandered the streets of Waverwell, meandered through Silverlight Forest —Pocket Forest, Kristin thought, remembering how Ashley always referred to the forest as that—, strolled around the camp. Maybe he was even sitting in the kitchen of the SFPU's house, just out of sight. Kristin's heart clenched at the idea that Ashley could see him, but he couldn't see Ashley. I hope you're out there, Ashley. I hope you are.
It felt so personal, reading Ashley's journal. Like he was spying on his brother. Kristin pushed the it a few inches away.
"I... I-I." Kristin trailed off as his throat closed up, leaving him unable to continue.
Seeing Ashley's writing, words he knew for certain had been written by his brother... it was like someone had carved up his chest and filleted his heart. "Ashley," he choked, and buried his face in his hands.
"Hey... it's ok," Charlie murmured. "We're here."
"Please." Kristin knew they couldn't give him what he was asking for, but he couldn't help himself. He trembled as he begged yet again to please just wake up. The hole in his chest ached and the shattered pieces of his heart shredded his insides to ribbon.
"Do you want a hug?" Kristin slumped down, head in his arms on the table. The only response he could give to Charlie's question was a mangled cry. Charlie moved to wrap her arms around him, and Ferris did the same from the other side. Ren and Zip walked around the table to form a loose group hug, though Zip stayed half a step back.
Kristin's sides shook with violent cries. The hug provided him some semblance of comfort and relief from the hurricane of pain and grief, but another part of it just reminded him of Ashley's hugs and the comfort that those hugs gave him. That made it hurt so much more. Never again would he be able to feel Ashley's arms around him, feel the warmth as he squeezed him tight.
Hands rubbed his back, soothing him to some extent.
Kristin reached out a hand and gripped Ashley's journal. What was it that he could've kept from the SFPU? What was so important to keep a secret? Why didn't he share whatever he'd written in his journal?
"It's ok, Kristin," Ferris murmured as Kristin's sniveling sobs evened out. "We're here. We're all here. Just breathe. We're not going to go anywhere."
"Why'd he have to be killed?" Kristin's voice cracked. His fingers dug into the cover of Ashley's journal. Some small piece of his brother that he clung to like a life raft.
"Some... someone was evil," Zip said, voice soft. "Really, really evil."
"I don't know why someone murdered him, but we'll find them." Ren squeezed his shoulder.
"Somnus could tear someone limb from limb, right? And Morpheus and Pyxis could too?"
"I-...," they trailed off. "I didn't train them to do that. They will attack and can bring someone to the ground, but they will not maul."
"I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just... how could someone do this? How could someone rip away another person's life? And the hole in my chest... it's only been two days. Does it ever go away?"
"No," Ferris said, taking his hand off of Kristin's shoulder. "It doesn't. It'll always be there, but the pain will fade and you'll learn to live with it. Time heals it to some degree, but it doesn't go away. It's a wound that nothing can fully heal, but it can fade and the pain can lessen."
Kristin sighed and pushed himself up, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. Ren and Zip stepped back and returned to the other side of the table, while Charlie sat back in her chair.
"So what do we do now?"
"Find out who murdered Ashley. Make them pay. See what Ashley wrote in his journal. Figure out what he wanted and what to do with that." Charlie listed them off on her fingers.
"Look at Ashley's journal when you're ready," Ferris added.
Kristin pulled Ashley's journal toward him. The cover was quite simple: Pockets of Gold and Silver strung together in a single line across the top, with Caspian Lyon written beneath it. Small, golden embellishments decorated the corners. He ran his fingers across it, and the leather was slightly rough beneath his touch.
"Are you sure he intended for you to find this?" Kristin fixed Charlie with as sharp a stare as he could manage despite his exhaustion.
"Yes, I am. Ashley never had any of his books out of order. He even said so somewhere on that first page. I forget where, but it's there. He wanted us to find the journal, so he led me to it. He's right; I wouldn't have been able to resist figuring it out. Follow the dopamine, I guess. Brain decided it would be fun and interesting, so I did it. Impulse control has never been a strong suit of mine. I didn't know Ashley as well as you did, but from what I do know about him, he wouldn't have left any of his books out of order. It was intentional, him placing the books where he did. That I can say for certain."
Kristin held Charlie's gaze for several long moments. She was right: Ashley didn't leave things where they didn't belong. Kristin didn't have to know Ashley's book sorting patterns to know he wouldn't have left books out of order by accident, so him messing up a pattern would've been an intentional move on his part.
"Ok," he said, flipping open Ashley's journal. "Let's see what Ashley wrote."