I haven’t had a cold bath since I aspected both heat and water mana. The hot showers I am able to create with these have been one of my favorite tastes of Earth that I missed for so many years. Whether I am covered in sweat, blood, or in today’s case, vomit, a hot shower is usually the best feeling in the world. Even washing these things from the mesh skin on my artificial limbs usually carries its own sense of satisfaction. It’s cold today. It’s so cold. I try adding more heat mana.
We made it to the inn, finally. And it was nice to see an inn for travelers. It was nice to see any signs of regular travel, truth be told. After all those years in Potestia any sign of free movement should feel refreshing. But Quinn and Kobe are not alright, and I don’t know how to help. I’m struggling to imagine what it must be like, to hover just above tragedy, unable to acknowledge it until whatever was holding you up vanished and left you drowning. And that’s just what happened. I drowned them. Sara and I both did. It wasn’t even the wrong thing to do. But it didn’t feel right, either. Why is the damn water so cold? Again I increase the heat mana I am supplying to the water.
I barely noticed the smell of sickness on me on the rest of the ride to this inn. I almost wished Sara had never pushed through whatever divine magic, or nexus energy, or whatever you want to call it that was stealing their grief from them. Having the weight of their lives crash down around them like that . . . that could be deadly. At the same time, what was done to them is disgusting. It was beyond that. How could we have left them in that state? Even as they unraveled before me, all I could do was cling on to a faint hope. A desperate hope that they were unique. But I am at an inn now. A place of rest for the weary. A congregation point for travelers. It’s not exactly busy, but it’s busy enough.
There is no one. No one is grieving. Not a soul anywhere near me feels a shred of grief. Just me, Sarafyna, and the twins. If the sages are doing this, then Ember is right. They need to die. If the people of this country aren’t even allowed to grieve? They cannot continue to exist in this world. I owe their death to every one of their subjects. Or citizens, I suppose. I doubt the sages know the difference. But I don’t know what to do. Freeing Potestians from mind control was one thing. They were robbed of trust for each other. Of self-sufficiency. But grief? The grief of every tragedy every person has ever lived through? All at once and without warning? If killing the sages drops all of that at once, I will be killing more than a few of their victims with them. Why is the water still so cold? Again I increase the intensity of my heat mana.
“Annie, are you alright?” Sara asks through the room’s folding screen. This inn doesn’t exactly have showers installed, so I am creating water behind it and evaporating it as it collects in a force basin at my feet. I close my eyes before answering.
“This is because of me,” I say. “It’s not my fault. I know it’s not my fault. I know. The responsibility for abuse is owned by the abuser. But they did it because of me and I can’t shake that feeling. I can’t shake that guilt. It’s frost in my blood. And it is an effective leash on me. You know that. Grief can’t empower me, and I can’t kill the people doing it or the built pressure of all that anxiety will crush the people in this country. In this world. They are holding their own people hostage. What am I going to do, Sara? I can barely handle my own grief right now. How can I ask an entire world to stomach theirs when they don’t even understand what that means?”
Sara is quiet for a long time. “I don’t know, my love. I don’t know. But I do know you are spiraling. I know the feeling well. That desperate powerlessness. That aimlessness. I understand,” she says. She’s right. Of course she understands. But that doesn’t actually help me. “You need to take a step back. Ever since Henry– ever since your last big fight, you haven’t been yourself. You aren’t asking the questions you would usually ask.”
“Like what?” I snap, but she fails to react.
“Like, if this is because of you, how long have they been doing it?” She asks.
I grunt, before shivering a bit in the cold water. “I don’t know. They have their prophecy so maybe thousands of . . .” I trial off because I see her point. I’m not thinking about it enough. “How much of that prophecy is actually about me? How much was recently added? If they only discovered things like the name Annie recently . . . maybe they only discovered my grief mana recently.” Sara doesn’t respond to this, recognizing a little bit of the normal Lillith emerging. This is a good start. She’s right. I was spiraling. But it’s not hopeless. If it’s recent enough, these people may understand what’s been done to them. Which could be good and bad. Some may not want their grief back. That could create active opposition to removing the people who lobotomized their soul like this. Shit, I’m spiraling again.
“We need to do something,” I finally say. “I can’t conceive of a counter for this. Not yet. I need to do something that is in my power. Find answers. Plan.” I stop creating water, pulling a towel off the screen to wrap around myself. It stings, for some reason, but I can’t think about it. I’m too focused. And too cold. “How is everyone back home? Have you had a chance to look for Leo today?” She is quiet in response to this and I feel the tension in the air.
“I wanted to talk about that, actually. But not until you are in the right state of mind,” she responds.
“Please, just tell me,” I say. There is another moment of silence and then a sigh, just as I am tying my hair up in another towel.
“The whisper sphere isn’t working. Neither is the hat,” she explains and I freeze. “This was my first chance to check but . . . it’s the border. Those stones in the sky. I can feel it. They are cutting off my contact with the other side.
“The hat shop?” I ask immediately. If her hat shop collapses the people we left behind are dead. Anyone inside is in the Radiant Woods. The rest can’t travel anymore. I feel my breath shorten until she speaks again.
“No, that is alright. I can still feel it,” she hurriedly assures. “But . . . I can’t connect with it directly. This hat is just a pretty hat now. I can’t look for Leo, and we can’t talk to anyone back home. We’re alone out here, Annie.” Shit. Shit shit shit.
Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more.
“And they are alone back there,” I whisper. I emerge from the screen to get dressed and Sara gasps.
“Annie, are you alright?” She asks again and I wince.
“No. I don’t know what to do. What are we going to do, Sara?” I respond and she shakes her head.
“No, physically. Annie, look at yourself!” She insists. I turn to the old, battered mirror and wince. My entire body is bright red and my eyes look dazed. “How much did you heat the water?”
I bite my lip. It felt so cold. So unbearably cold. “I was just distracted,” I answer. It’s even almost true. Sara looks at me with concern. She looks like she has something else to say, and I am terrified I know what. We are across the border now. Leo is still trapped in the Radiant Woods. We can’t risk her hat shop losing against the Radiant Woods. They need her back home.
‘You should go back.’ The words won’t come out. I can’t lose her again. I need to protect her. ‘You should go back.’ I can’t do this without her. ‘You should go back.’ Leo needs her. My family needs her. I can handle myself, for now. She can come in and check on us. When we actually have a plan that makes it safe for her to free everyone’s grief for them. She should go back. I open my mouth to force the words out, and I can see she knows what they are.
“I need to bring Ember back here,” I say instead. “We need to push through whatever is stopping her from telling us everything. I’ll need your help.” She closes her mouth and eyes at the same time.
“Do you want me to go with you?” She asks. She wants me to tell her to stay with me. I can feel it. And I want to. I shouldn’t. It’s selfish. But I want to. I can’t say yes. That would be abandoning my family like I abandoned Henry. I can’t say no, or I will be abandoning Sara. I look up at her and see . . . fear. Is she as afraid of leaving me behind as I am to see her go? Or is it something else? I do still rely on her to effectively keep the cancer under control, but it doesn’t grow like it used to. Not since my circle broke. Not since my new limbs started handling excess mana. So I should be safe, even with the border between us. But she is as afraid as I am. Terrified of leaving me. I can feel it, so I make a selfish choice. I take a risk for my own benefit, and for Sara’s. I will wait. One more day. I’ll say the words I need to say after one more day. They can’t begrudge me one more day. They will be safe for one more day.
I pretend to misunderstand her. “No, that’s alright. We don’t want anyone asking questions about how you made it here so quickly. I’ll go get her and bring her back,” I respond. She lets out a sigh and nods. As I gather my clothes and disappear behind the screen again, she whispers.
“I need you too, Annie. Just as much as you need me.” I swallow her words like sweet hemlock. One more day. I can face the reality of the situation tomorrow. Today, I need her help anyway. I put a simple tunic and pants on with a pair of boots and gloves. Enough to cover all of my less fleshy limbs, which will apparently mean instant execution.
As I walk to the door I look back at Sara. “Thanks, for talking me off that ledge,” I say. “I love you. Be back in a minute.” I can still feel the fear of the choice we are going to have to make in the air. But she smiles at me anyway.
“I love you too.”
----------------------------------------
Ember isn’t in her room when I knock, so I make my way to the tavern on the first floor. It is a bit odd, seeing the three different sapient species mingling. I’d spent most of my life in this world thinking humans were the only ones here. In fact, in Potestia I’d only met white humans. This inn is a large change of pace in both respects.
This brings up a lot of questions about Potestia. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. Those borders can’t have been around forever and people like to travel. This sort of thing usually doesn’t happen unless it’s intentional. Then again, until I found a house of penance I’d never met anyone with a disability either. That could be the answer itself I suppose. I’ll have to add it to my list of questions for Ember. I spot her at the counter with a drink, likely recovering from her own emotional block being cleared. I move to meet up with her when Quinn stops me.
“Miss Annie,” He greets, a sheepish look on his face. His eyes are still red from crying, and he moves like he is sore, but he wears a smile now. “I wanted to apologize for earlier. I don’t know what came over me. I– I lost myself. So did Kobe. We are mortified. Please, is there anything we can do to make it up to you? One of us can go back and get your friend?” I examine him for a moment. He feels just as he did when I met him. Sara is a few floors up, and her influence has already been washed away. There isn’t a shred of grief emanating from him. So even Sarafyna doesn’t have a long term solution. Shit. I need her here just as much as she is needed back home.
“Don’t worry about it. She’ll be alright. I’m glad you are feeling better,” I dismiss. A man scoffs to the side.
“I wouldn’t count on that,” Turner says. I turn to see him smirking. “You may be strong enough to sucker punch me, but a woman walking all alone like that? Well, she’ll be the one being ambushed.”
“Sucker punch? I fought you face to face in an open challenge. I even let you cast first. What did you want me to shout out my spell like a ninja of the hidden leaf? What would I have to do for you to expect an attack if none of that counted?” I jab. He laughs.
“I’m just warning you. You abandoned her, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you never saw her again,” he sneers. There is an air of certainty in his voice I don’t like. His entire story of meeting Quinn and his family is suspicious, actually. I’ll have to investigate before their party leaves.
“Well, you do seem like an expert on losing contact with women. I’ll take it under advisement. Now, if you don’t mind, I have business elsewhere."
“I do mind, actually. I overheard your conversation earlier. I hear you like to play Demon Queen for men who can pay for the privilege. I can believe that. You certainly have the look for it. But then . . . why are you so practiced with magic? Why were you travelling on foot? Something stinks about your story, and I don’t like it much. Care to explain?” he challenges.
“To you? Not really. But I’m generous. We can have a conversation about shady stories all you want when I’m done with my business,” I promise. “Who knows, maybe you’ll even get a chance to see me ‘playing Demon Queen’.” I inject as much promise into my words as I can, although the actual promise behind them is likely different than he is picturing. He thinks he has something on me. Which, I suppose he’s not wrong. But I think we have different ideas about how a demon would behave. He just wants to feel in control again. And I want to stop him from leaving with Quinn before I can confirm my suspicions about him.
He grins at this. “Well hurry along then. I wouldn’t want to keep you, not with such an important conversation in our futures. I’ll be in room four when you are ready to explain yourself.”
“Be still my heart,” I intone to a toothy grin. If nothing else I’ll get the chance to kick his ass again. I could certainly use such a chance. But he’s right. I have more important business to deal with. I finally make it to Ember and put my hand on her arm. “We need to talk.”