Gilbert

I was so happy.

When I was younger, I was happy too. Until my thirteen-year-old sister forced my eyes open and made me look at my reflection. At the bruises and blood my joy left behind. I was a selfish man, when I was younger. A blind man. I took what I wanted and turned my head and people suffered for it. Women I cared about suffered for it. But I changed. I opened my eyes and I worked to be a better man.

And I was happy again, after my brother was returned to me. When we moved to Visenar. Then again when we left. Every change in the world around me made the world a brighter place. A world where I could love, genuinely love, without hurting anyone. Where I could be honest, and accepted, and keep my eyes open to any pain I was causing. I met Mali. I met Julie. Even Jeremy, who did not like being called ‘Jack’. Leaving Potestia and living with them was so . . . kind. So simple. So easy.

Before I knew it, I was blind again. I knew what my sister was doing. I knew she never stopped fighting. And I knew Edward and Henry were helping. And they didn’t need me. Not me. I’d done my part. Everything an older brother should. I helped bring Henry home safe. Even without me, Lily was making everything better. Kinder. And I loved her for it. But I was still me. Still oblivious. Unable to see anything that wasn’t shoved in front of me. Still too fucking comfortable. I ignored the danger. It was so easy to do. Everything had always worked out before, right? Everything. Lily stopped Baldwin. She saved Leo. She escaped her own execution.

It started when we first went looking for Henry. When she fought the Manticores. Her alone, as a child. She was . . . unstoppable. A force of nature. Brilliant, fierce, kind, and brutal. I feared her for a while. What she would do. But somehow that fear settled into admiration. Idolization, even. She was a hero. A brilliant hero who would always, always win. And anyone who stood in her way would pay the price. Yeah, she would make speeches. She would warn us of the dangers of the new lifestyle we were choosing. Of learning magic when the nobility didn’t want us to have it. But it wasn’t real danger, because she was there. And she wouldn’t let that risk be realized. We had the Mage of Mourning on our side and anyone who wanted to take our joy away had to go through her.

This became a certainty. Risk became the senseless panic of the overly anxious. We were safe and we would always be safe. Our new lives had been won and there was an immovable object between them and anyone who wanted to take them away. And I let Lily do this for us. Edward wanted to help. Henry wanted to help. And I respected them for it. But Lily didn’t need them, not really. They just owed her, by way of thanks or apology. But she didn’t need them. And she didn’t need me.

Everything would always work out.

Everything would always work out.

Whatever Lily faced, whatever any of us faced, and whoever wanted to take the old, cruel world back . . . everything would always work out. I trusted Lily. I trust Lillith.

Henry is dead.

I will never be happy again. I will never be safe again. No one will. I have always been described as oblivious. Uncaring. Lily says I keep my head in the clouds. I thought it was loveable, but it wasn’t. It was cruelty. Cruelty to everyone who needed Lily’s help. Cruelty to Henry, and Ed. Cruelty to Lily. Just because my sister is strong . . . just because she can take the pressure of the world and fail to collapse . . . that doesn’t mean she doesn’t need support. If I had learned combat magic and gone with them, would Henry still be alive? I can barely use magic at all. I never understood the ‘recipe’ or ‘equation’ thing Lillith always tried to explain to me. I just wanted to live in peace, and I let my kind little sister crumple under the weight of my peace.

I’m told she’s not younger than me at all. Ed says she is some other woman from some other world but I don’t understand any of that. She is still Lily to me. And she could have used my help. Henry deserved to have my help. My protection. They both deserved an older brother with his eyes open.

“Are you alright?” A voice asks and I take a sharp breath through my nose. I have moved to the towers the rest of my family live in. I haven’t been answering my whisper sphere. I can’t even think of Mali, Julie, or Jeremy. I like them. But they aren’t a support system, not really. We were all just having fun together. Mom knows I’m no more okay than she is. Ed knows too, and he’s in Visenar again, like every day. I realize, no one has actually asked me that since I came here. I continue to look out over the horizon, at the Radiant Woods in the distance. I am sitting on the balcony of an unused public area on the tenth floor of the tower. No one comes this high usually, although our population is expanding every day with Potestia free.

It’s a surprise to meet anyone up here at all, much less anyone who cares how I am doing. I don’t answer, instead looking back at the intruder with weary eyes. He’s a tall man, with a square jaw and a missing right arm. I recognize him pretty quickly. He saved Edward's life, after all. He could have a prosthetic, like Lily does, but he had it removed after a few days. I’m not sure why. This man is Dominic. The last remaining royal. Here to protect us in Lillith’s absence. What does he want with me?

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“Yeah, me either,” he says, sitting down a few paces away from me. I suppose he wouldn’t be. His entire family is dead, after all. I don’t know the entire story, but apparently he played a part in his own grandfather’s death. I don’t know what he wants with me, really. So I just grunt, and continue looking out over the world I have ignored for too long. “But . . . I’m trying to do better.” I don’t understand what he means at first. We all want to feel better. But we can’t just make that happen. I am prepared to ignore him, but it clicks into place. I can’t keep my eyes closed, and I can’t wait until my little sister screams in my face to notice anything. Even now, I am considering how pointless it would be for me, without considering that he might be the one who needs someone to talk to.

“What do you mean?” I ask, choking back the anxiety of my own grief. Maybe, for once I can help him. Even if I can't, I need to start trying. It might be the only way out of this pit I live in now. To be a better man. I need my eyes open. Even if I am a husk myself, I can be different than I was in the past. I just need to stop being oblivious. And if all I can do is listen, well. That’s what I’ll do.

“I spent a long time thinking I was a good man. But I wasn’t. I was blind to everything around me. To my loved ones. To the people I was supposed to rule. To myself. I mean I am trying to be better than the man I am,” he answers matter-of-factly. A stone sinks through my chest and I bite my lip.

“Yeah,” I answer. That’s the only answer I have for him. Yeah. But it’s enough. It carries my entire story with it. I can’t help him. But I can understand him. Not exactly. I am no ruler. I don’t know what he went through. But I know what it means to look the other way for too long. Until it is too late.

“Yeah,” he agrees. We sit in silence for a while after that. I don’t know how long. But the balcony feels slightly less lonely. And I feel slightly less empty. I wonder if he came here for the same thing. Just for the comfort of someone else who’d made the same mistake.

Finally, I decide to ask. “How did you know?” I say, looking him in the face for the first time. He has weary eyes and a half smile.

“I’m not much help to Ed, I’m afraid. What he’s going through is . . . different. But he is worried about you. And he said you would understand,” he answers. I nod. Of course. Of course he did, meanwhile I have barely thought of Ed. All I know about him is he has been volunteering in Visenar every day. I haven’t even asked. I haven’t spoken much to Mom either. But Ed was paying attention to me. Fuck, when did I become the asshole brother?

“Maybe. I don’t know. But . . . I can talk if you want,” I offer. Dominic sighs.

“I think something is going to happen soon,” he says. “And I don’t want to be alone when it does,” he responds in what feels like an odd change of subject.

“Happen, like what?” I ask. He lets the question hang in the air for a moment before answering.

“I don’t know. But something has changed. Something is going to change. I don’t think we are safe,” he says. His words ring true in a way I can’t understand, like the way a bell resonates with your bones. “But, and this may sound selfish, but you and I. We have a chance to finally pay attention. We have a chance to do the right thing. It’s not much. But it’s a chance.” Water runs down my face at this. I wish it didn’t. I don’t want to feel hope because of something like that. But he’s right. I can’t live my life knowing I sat out the fight when I was really needed. I can’t look back and only see oblivious Gil while my family was fighting and dying.

“How will we know?” I say. But as I ask the question I realize he is right. There is something wrong. Something not quite right, like closing a door after the wood has warped. There is fear in the air. An anxiety that should be healing. But it’s only getting worse. Maybe it’s because Lily is gone. Maybe it’s because so many people don’t know how to move forward now. But that doesn’t feel right. It’s not right. There is danger on the horizon and everyone can feel it.

There are shadows in the distance. Spreading over the cold mountains too soon for the sunset. I can barely make them out, but something is moving. “I don’t know,” Dominic admits. “But, if it’s alright, I’d like to watch for it with you.” I nod. The shadows are gone, as quickly as they came. But with the conversation I am having, as surreal as it is, I feel like it must be something. Or I am just trying to see something, because Dominic gave me hope that I would. I squint, but everything remains calm.

“We should call my sister,” I suggest and Dominic puts his hand on my shoulder.

“What is it?” he asks.

“I don’t know. Nothing. But . . . we should call my sister,” I repeat, looking up at him as I do. He looks concerned, but searches his body for a whisper sphere. A once coveted relic only priests and nobles used. I suppose he’s always had one, but long distance spheres were uncommon even for nobles. It’s strange to see the person next to me idly searching for one.

“Alright,” he agrees. “Guess I am calling the killer who terrified all my friends for years.” I almost crack a smile at that, but I let him channel his mana and intent to contact Lily. His sphere lights up but . . . nothing happens.

The vague sense of dread in the air fills my lungs like smoke as the sphere goes dark again, failing to find the intended target of the call.