Leo

The world shifts around us as Charlotte and I stumble to the ground together. We had entered through a tree line, but we land in a field of chrysanthemums. The pink, yellow, and orange flowers expand in all directions before any taller foliage presents itself again. Immediately, everything Lily has ever told me about the Radiant Woods collapses like an inescapable wave over my mind. No. I can't be here. I can't be here. Anywhere but here. My entire body tenses with the fear of being hit, my skin aching with the anticipation of pain. It will take my mind. It will take me from me. I can't be here!

"Where are they?"

My body aches and I can feel my heart pulsing in my head. My skin itches. Every fear I have ever had is contained in the field and I can feel its breath hot on my neck. I wait to lose control. I wait to lose everything.

"Where are they, no no no no, where are they?"

I wait, and I wait, and I wait. And... nothing happens. No one takes my body from me. Nothing happens at all, until Charlotte's hands grasp my shoulders and pull me back into reality. "Leo, where are they?" she begs and I look around, still shaken.

"Where are what?" I respond, my heart still beating from the curiously missing control of the woods. I can barely process my environment, much less the question.

"The others!" she insists, "Where are the others that fell in here with us?" This immediately forces my mind to focus and scan the environment. Only Charlotte and I are here. Charlotte, me, and the flowers.

"We have to find them," I agree immediately. Questions about Charlotte's choices can wait. I don't know why the Woods aren't hurting me. The Woods aren't controlling me, but we have allies here that don't deserve what will happen to them if we don't find them. I do what I have been forced to do my entire life, what Charlotte has been forced to do her entire life. I force the fear down. I strangle it. And we begin to move. To make sure everyone else is safe and comfortable. To prioritize them over ourselves. As soon as Charlotte makes this obvious to me, we no longer have to communicate before we begin to search together.

We have no way to know where we came from, much less where anyone else might have gone. We don't even know how long we will have the freedom to search. But one thing is certain. Charlotte can protect these people better than they can protect themselves. I don't question why she wants to. I can't process why she has done what she's done, but I still know her. She is still the only mother I have ever wanted. And she doesn't want them trapped in the Radiant Woods any more than she wants me here. Any more than she wants to be here herself. So we run. We shout. We call out for them.

No matter how far we go, we never escape the field of flowers. As I look around, I realize we haven't even escaped the middle. One look at Charlotte and I can see in her eyes she has realized the same. We can't leave the spot we are in. It feels sickly familiar. This field. This spot that was chosen for us, that we can't escape no matter what we do. Something inside me rejects this. Calls it a lie. A perversion of reality to be dismantled. I press back against that feeling. It won't serve me here. My skin itches. "What do we do?" I ask in desperation. But her eyes are wide, afraid, heartbroken. She covers her face with her hands.

"I... it wasn't supposed to happen like this. It wasn't supposed to..." she trails off. She doesn't have an answer any more than I do. But... maybe she never has. I've always known Charlotte has struggled with everything I have. The walls, constantly closing in on both of us. But... I've always had her. Since we first met I have had somewhere to look for a solution. For safety. Just somewhere to look... up. But she made the wrong choice so... where do I look now? I look into her panicked eyes and realize there is nothing I can do. I scratch my face, grip my head, and sit down in the flowers. That resistance inside me bends again, like thin wood under too much weight. I scratch my face again.

Charlotte sits down next to me. Silent but for her heavy breathing. We are probably never leaving the Radiant Woods. We aren't saving the others. We aren't going anywhere. We aren't going anywhere, ever. The only people who can get us out are either chained in some cellar somewhere or walking into a trap. I want to sob. I want to puke. The wood bends in my soul. My skin itches. The only thing we can do now is talk.

"Why?" I ask quietly. I hear Charlotte's breath catch. "Please. It doesn't matter now. But still, I need to know." She is silent for a long time. That bending feeling is back. My skin itches. I push it down. I scratch my face.

"One mistake," Charlotte finally answers. "You know what I mean. You know exactly what I mean. One mistake. That is one mistake more than we are allowed to make. Back in Potestia. Back with Lillith's friends. Anywhere we go, no matter how we are treated, we will always live one mistake away from rejection. From disgust. From hatred, and from being disposed of. I have known many people, in power and otherwise, who make mistakes. Major ones. Minor ones. They will do it day after day, and laugh with those affected in the next breath.

"Because most people are allowed to make mistakes. Most people don't live lives of borrowed tolerance. Waiting until their friends, families, and allies turn on them. Waiting until something goes wrong and everyone in the room looks to them as the easiest target to blame. The easiest to reject and cast out. Waiting until everyone who despises them finally finds an excuse. But you and I do. And this is true, no matter where we go. No matter what we do. Leo, we have to do what it takes to survive." I sit in that for a moment. That bending feeling increases under the pressure of her words.

"I know that. But... I can't accept it. Because it's wrong. It's so sick, and twisted, that people should be allowed to do this to us. To make us fear... everything. That's why I was willing to fight. To fight alongside the people that see us as people. As who we are. For a new, better world where people don't have to feel that way anymore. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could earn one mistake. We could take it. I want so, so badly for putting that weight on us to be the mistake that they made. The mistake that tears them down from their thrones. Turning on us should have been their one mistake. And we had a chance, Mom. We had a chance. People willing to make that happen. To stand side by side with us. I wanted it so badly," I respond. Already I've accepted the failure of that plan. It's too late now. The pressure builds. The wood bends. My skin itches.

"She was going to fail," Charlotte responds. "I've been alive a long time, Leo. I've fought with everything I have to be everything I am for a long time. It's a miracle I was born with enough mana to justify my existence to the people around me. But I know what we are up against. I have been up against them my entire life. She was going to fail, whether I did something or not. And she was going to drag so, so many people down with her. All of them were going to die. Her family. Her friends. My son. All of you were going to die fighting for a world that will still reject us. That will still be waiting for that one mistake.

"I saw what was coming. I knew how it would end. I love Lillith. I love Sara. I love what they tried to do for me. I don't want to see them hurt, abandoned, or dead. I don't want to see you dead alongside them. So I made a friend. Someone who could stop this without bloodshed. That could, and would, forgive them for everything, so long as the country stands. Because Lillith is allowed one mistake. And you are not. Lillith is allowed revenge for the wrongs done to her, and you are not. And Lillith started all of this by taking revenge. For you. And that's the thing about our one mistake, Leo. We don't have to be the ones to make it. If it even happens around us, we will still be the ones who pay the most. She was... is, going to lose. I'm sorry, I wish it wasn't the case. But it is. And they were going to kill you for it. So I made a friend, to buy your life. To buy everyone's lives.

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"You. Lillith. And everyone who comes after us. Godfrey wants change too. Not enough. Never enough. But he's been putting the pieces together for a new world for a long time. A world that we can actually win. A world where you and I have the power to make one mistake. One where everyone has the power to make one mistake. The power to defend themselves when the world tries to punish them for stepping out of line before they made it. I believe in that word Leo. And I think Lillith would too, if she could just see it. And she will. Because Godfrey loves her, and needs her people. No one has to die. No one has to get hurt. No one has to pay for a mistake their friends made for them."

I sit in that for a moment as things slide into place. Charlotte's desperation to turn everyone around. To prevent today's plan from happening. The way she tried to use Ed as an excuse, and the way she failed to show relief when the truth came to light. She wanted to stop the violence and buy a peaceful end to things. But it still wasn't right. I understand what she is saying, but... "I heard what he called you. Your friend. The one that will let us make mistakes. The one you report to so we can have that future. It wasn't your name, Mom. It wasn't a name anyone who cares about you would ever speak," I challenge. Charlotte winces.

"That was only Ansel, Godfrey's aide. Godfrey would never speak that name. I trust him, Leo," she corrects.

"But that's the thing. Godfrey's aide. It tells the whole story. Godfrey would never do that to you. Never. But the person closest to him feels perfectly comfortable doing it, doesn't he? That's the entire trade. A world where we have the power to defend ourselves. Most of the time. But we still don't get to be welcome. We still don't get to be loved. Our great benevolent leader would never hurt us he will only allow his friends to do it without consequence." I throw back.

"That will always be the case. Even here. I was called 'he' the very moment I stepped out of line! It will always be there, just under the surface, no matter where we build our homes. There will always be sneers behind our backs. And if we can't change that, well. The power to defend ourselves from more than sneers is more important than ever," she counters. The world bends. My skin itches.

"Yes. There will always be sneers. People who hate us. If we change our bodies. If we change our clothes. If we change our names. There will always be someone who hates us. Who wants us gone. Who will take their masks off and snarl the moment we make that one mistake. But it makes a difference whether or not these people are welcome! It makes a difference what kind of mistake we are allowed to make. Because I don't want turning the wrong corner on the wrong night to be my mistake ever again. I don't want trusting the noble who promised me safety to be my mistake ever again. And if a man who calls you by a name you discarded is welcome? If he is welcome then we will never be," I cry.

"I know!" Charlotte agrees. "I know that! I hate it. I hate him. It hurts me, Leo. It hurts me every single time. It's like bathing in sewage! Every time I hear it it's like a sliver of flesh is torn from me. But I have carried this pain all my life, and I will carry it for the rest of it if I have to! I will let them call me by old, dead names. I will let them tear that skin bit by bit and call me whatever foul things they need to so long as I can build my way to a world where they call you 'Leo'! And they will never give us that world. We have to take it. We have to have the power to take it. Lillith's ideas are lovely, they are. And I wish we lived in a world where they would work. But they are too dangerous. Too much of a gamble. They only offer a chance at a world where my son can be himself and use his name safely. I need certainty. I need you to be safe, and I will suffer through anything to make that happen." She buries her face in her hands. I believe her.

The world bends. My skin itches. I scratch at my face. I turn to look at her but she keeps her face hidden. "I love you, Mom. I love that you care for me so much. But... you already know where that falls apart. Even if you can keep me safe. Even if you can keep every wolf and all their teeth out of my throat, I still won't be safe. No safer than you have been. I've seen it in your eyes. You always push through but... These boxes they try to force us in... they are dark. They are oppressive. They close in on you. If you behave exactly as they want, they change the rules. I could go to school as a man so long as I kept to myself. I could go to school and call myself Leo, but I had to stay in the women's dorms. I could wear whatever I wanted, but I had to call myself a woman. I played along and they changed the rules.

"I followed the new rules and they changed them again. Until they were tired of warning me and I ended up broken and bloody in the dirt. Because they never really changed the rules. The rule was always 'be who and what we demand or we will hate you. We will hurt you. Stop living as who you are, or stop living'. You may be able to build a world where they can't safely beat me. But this method will never build a world where I am safe. Because the walls will always close in. And you know what it's like, standing on that precipice. Giving those concessions. It will kill me, Mom. You know what I mean. Living in the world you chose will kill me. And maybe you're right. Maybe what I want to fight for with Lillith will be the same. But it carries the hope that it won't be. And I need that hope, or I will die," I reply, nearly losing my breath as I try to force the words out. Charlotte looks up at me with red eyes.

"I know. I know. I know. But I don't know what to do! She's going to lose, Leo! She is going to die and they are going to punish you for it! Unless I can buy your lives. I know it's not enough! I know I can never do enough to make you safe! It feels like ice under my skin but I know it! But I had to do what little I could! Don't you understand? Don't you see? I have done all of this before! I have known Lilliths before. I have had friends, and allies, and loved ones, and I have fought! I have fought and fought and fought. I have tried and pushed. It ends the same way. It always ends the same way. With a beaten girl, taken from her family. With fathers hurting their daughters. With death, Leo. With so much death. I have seen too many hopeful corpses. I have been forced into the ground too many times," she sobs.

Charlotte has never shared any of this with me before. She has never spoken of her past like this. I always knew she must have struggled but the fear in her words is so... visceral. The loss. "I thought... I thought I was the first..." I respond weakly. She shakes her head.

"No. All my life they have been taking. Every time I stick my head out too far. I have seen it again, and again, and again. They will always win. They will always be just a little more brutal than we can be. Just a little more powerful. And everyone who fights it dies. Everyone but me. And Lillith... Lillith is bringing so many people into it. Do you know how terrifying that is? Seeing so many people heading toward a bloody end, knowing they are all going to die? I had to save them, Leo. I had to save you. And I had to save Lillith. I just want everyone to be okay. I just want them to be okay. I can't see one more hopeful corpse, much less thousands. I know why you all want to do it this way. But you are going to die if you do! That's just how the world is built! That's reality!" She weeps. I can't accept it. The world bends. My face itches.

"Thank you, Mom. I know you are kind. I know you hurt whenever any of us hurt. I... I didn't know about the rest. I can feel what it must have done to you, and I want to learn more. If you didn't feel this, down in the deepest reaches of your soul, you would never have given up on what Sara and Lily could help you with. Or maybe you still would. Because that is who you are. Someone who will hurt for her entire life so the people you love don't have to. Lily reminds me of you, in that way. I do understand how we got here. I even admire you for it. I love you. I do.

"But No. No. That's not reality. That's a lie. A lie they built and forced into place and call reality. It's no more real than the words they nail to our bodies when we are born and it's no more real than the names they try to force us to carry. That's their reality and it is a lie! It's like this forest. A distortion. A perversion. Reality as it looks to people who have grown sick with their own love of control. Lily isn't going to lose. Even now. And a world where we are just treated as people is real. It's real. It is reality, because we are real!" I shout. And the pressure grows too much. The bending wood in my soul breaks and in an instant, the flowers around me wilt, dissolve, and disappear. My face itches.

If the Radiant Woods are the manifestation of people who control reality I will be their opposite. I will scrub their will from it. I touch my face. It has a roughness to it as tiny hairs have started to grow. My skin itches like rain in a drought.