Lillith
"That's all she could say when I found her," Ed finishes after recounting Autumn's story to me. "It's my fault. It's my fault. She was just on her knees, repeating it again and again while I was trying to find out where... what happened. Lily... Lily I don't..." he fails to finish his sentence, choking through each word with labored breathing. He didn't mention Henry's name once, unable to get the words out each time he needed to. I feel like I am standing in front of a great, impassible wall. Or maybe a dam. There is a flood on the other side. Grief that will violently drown me and leave a washed-up husk wherever I wash up. And I am holding my hand up against the stone. I can feel the pressure it is holding back.
It is a monument, sturdy and impassable. It is razor thin glass, and it will shatter with a tap of my fingernail. Ed is on the other side. Broken. Snot and tears running down his face. He's like a fish in the water, vibrant scales shimmering in the moonlight and demanding my attention, but he is insulated. Separated. The wall will not be denied. Or... I will not deny the wall. I am a stone staring through it. Waiting for it to break on its own. Nothing reaches me. No one. I am vaguely aware that Edward is wrapping his arms around me. Vaguely conscious of Clarisse, looking guiltily away from the scene. They are both so far away. I want to pound on the glass damn. I want to feel its shard cut through me as the water carries me away. I need to feel the pressure and pain this promises.
I am too afraid. I am too cold. I can physically feel the grief. Boiling around me. I don't know how I missed it when I woke up. It is thick in the air like steam. Only the oceans I had left behind before sleeping could disguise the lake around me now. Henry. Not Henry. A tap of a single finger would break the glass, but I watch Edward on the other side instead. I let the scene happen to me. He is reaching out to me with more than his arms but I can't reach back. I am not here. I am not me. For some reason, I can't help but fixate on his snot, smearing against the shoulder of my nightshirt. It doesn't bother me in the way it usually would. It just... doesn't make sense. He is too far away.
At some point, I pull myself away limply, dig through a drawer for a new shirt, and change it. I am again clean. It makes sense again. But the dam is still there. And the water is too fast. How is it not overflowing? How could so much water be held back like this? How is it not crashing down on me? A single tap.
I don't know why. Maybe I just want to distance myself from the temptation to tap the glass. Maybe my new feet have minds of their own. Maybe I just can't breathe in this room anymore. But before I can say a word to my grieving brother, I feel myself walking toward the door, pausing, and opening it. Mom is there, standing with a tray of food in her hands. We are both motionless for a moment. I see it coming, as the tray falls to the ground. I could avoid it, if she weren't on the other side of the dam. As the slap connects, I fail to register it. It too is distant. Beyond me.
She claps her hand over her mouth and watches me with glassy eyes. She speaks to me with the distorted sounds of a creature underwater. Her fists grasp onto my new shirt and pull me to her, where she begins crying into my shirt. Ed's hand lands on my shoulder. The glass begins to crack. Just a little, right in the middle. I can't be here. I can't. I begin to walk away. Toward the quiet. Toward safety. Toward the cold. I hear voices calling after me. Feel hands trying to hold me back. But they aren't here. Not really. I am not here. I am not me.
Their hands were never really on me. They were never really speaking to me. How could they? They are on the other side. I don't notice when I pull away from them. I don't know when they stop following me. But I am alone now, finally. But I haven't escaped. The wall has followed me. But the crack is no longer webbing. I wander up the stairs to the next floor, then the next, until I have reached the unused part of the building. Finally, I sit down and try to breathe. I put my hand up against the glass again. Rapids rage on the other side. I am in there with it. But I am not me. I need to feel it. I need to feel it to be me. I am grief. I have always been grief. I need to feel my own.
Steps. Soft, quiet steps. These are the only sounds I can hear. Mom's voice. Ed's sorrow. These washed over me like waves in a dream. But these footsteps. They are real. Maybe the only real thing left in the world. And they are above me. I am on an upper floor, there should be no one above me. I grasp onto this like driftwood in the middle of the ocean. I am not sure why. But following them doesn't hurt, so I do. I continue to climb. So do the steps above me. We continue our quiet chase until I emerge on the roof. The mountains tower over us, challenging our audacity to ascend so high. Autumn isn't looking at them, however. Autumn stands on the precipice, looking down at the ground so far below.
I hear each and every breath she takes. They echo through me in a way that makes my bones ache. She is on this side of the wall with me. She is not her. The crack begins to spread as I walk up and stand beside her.
"How... how did you know?" She whispers. I sigh.
"I didn't," is the only response I give her. "But... here I am."
"I'm glad you are alright," she offers after a moment of silence. I don't respond. I don't look at her. I just follow her gaze to the distant stone below. I let the silence drag until she speaks again. "Are you going to stop me?" she asks. I nod. "And if I come back to try again?" she asks. I take a deep breath.
"I suppose I'll stop you then, too," I respond. She bites her lip.
"Why?" she pleads. "Why?" The crack spreads.
I don't know. I just know it's right. "Henry," is the only answer I have.
"It's my fault," she replies. "He is gone because of me. You couldn't protect him because of me. It's my fault. Do you understand that? He is dead because of me." The crack spreads. I can hear it, in the air. Criiick.
"No. It's mine. You both came because you trusted me. You trusted me to protect you. To keep you safe. I failed. It's not your fault," I insist. Hot water runs down her cheek. The crack begins to leak, and I feel a trickle washing through my hair. She shakes her head and takes a half step closer to the edge.
"No, Lily. It's my fault. It's all been my fault. Henry, and everyone else who died in Visenar. It was me. I told Godfrey about you, all those years ago. After the first time we fought. I told him... everything. Everything you planned to do. Exactly how dangerous you were. The dispersal circles were drawn because of me. Because I was too scared. Because I turned on you. And because, even after I changed my mind, I didn't tell you. Do you get it? It was because of me. He died because of me. They all died because of me. You would have saved them all if not for me! Do you understand now, Lillith? I killed them all! Your brother is dead because of me!" she confesses and my blood freezes.
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More cracks appear, water bursting through holes in the damn. It pools around my feet. My hands tremble. All this time. All this time and she knew. She knew. She knew she knew she knew. I don't... I don't know how to process. I am not me. One hand reaches out, presses against her back, and pushes. I watch as she falls, branches of the trees shredding her skin as she passes them. She doesn't even scream. She just falls, and falls, and finally...
"I thought so, even you know I would be better off..." she finally says, pulling me from the intrusive thought. I jerk back to reality. The glass cracks, the water rises, I swallow my words. "It was me. And Henry..." She doesn't finish her thought, simply taking one more step, over open air. I reach out and grab her.
"No..." I say. "No. This... this is wrong, Autumn," I plead. She looks back at me.
"I'm a murderer, Lily. I..." she sighs, putting her foot back for a moment. "Do you think... do you think he has a new life somewhere? Like you? Do you think he got to start over too?" I pause at this, still holding her arm.
"I don't know. Maybe. I hope," Is the best I can do. Criiiik. Henry is dead. The water is up to my waist. Henry is dead. And I'm afraid. I am terrified. I can't see the way forward and Autumn... Autumn is on the edge. It's her fault. It's her fault. It's her fault. I clench my fists.
"Do you think... I'll end up in the same place?" she asks. "Do you think I could start over, and meet him again?" No. No, you don't deserve to meet him again. You put him in danger. You let him die. You killed him. I want her to jump.
"I don't know," I answer. "But I knew Henry. I loved Henry. This... this isn't what he would want. This isn't what anyone wants. You'll be leaving so many people behind. What about August? What about me? What about everyone who loves you? Are you just going to abandon them?" I beg. The glass cracks. She looks at me with pain. Criiiik. I will drown soon, if the water keeps rising. She leans almost imperceptibly forward. A little closer to jumping. Of course she does. Of course she does. You can't guilt someone out of this. I know that. So why did I... I want her to jump.
No. The glass cracks. The tides are furious and chaotic. The dam is coming apart. Autumn takes a deep breath. A preparatory breath. "Well. There are far more people I won't be letting down. Tell them, when I am gone. Tell them the one responsible for their family's death is gone. Tell them I did the right thing," she says, closing her eyes and leaning forward, almost letting herself go. I hesitate to catch her. Criiiiik. There are so many holes in the dam now. Torrential rain falls from the water above. Then finally, finally it breaks.
I am surrounded by rapids. I am drowning. Splinters of glass tear into me. Everything I am trying to distance myself from engulfs me at once. This is wrong. This is so wrong, what am I doing? The woman Henry loved is about to fall. She is about to die. I am me. I try and wrap my mana around her, to pull her up. But... it dissipates as it reaches her. I can't use it against the intent of her grief. I leap forward and wrap my arms around her and she drowns with me.
"No, Autumn. No, it's not your fault. You don't deserve this. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I don't what I... No. It doesn't matter. It is not your fault. Henry had a murderer, and I killed him. I killed the man who murdered all of them. It was no more your fault than mine. Please... I... I don't know what to say I don't... I love you, Autumn. I love you like a sister. And... And I am you. I pushed him. I pushed him and I pushed everyone. I understand the loathing. I understand the hate. I tried to lock myself away from it but... no. You tried to stop this the best way you knew how. So did I. But there are monsters in the world, Autumn.
"There are monsters in every dark corner and we don't always know how to fight them. How to hide. Sometimes we try and we make the wrong call. Sometimes we fuck up. Sometimes we fuck up again, and again, and again. And nothing will make it better. Nothing will heal the wounds of our mistakes. Of our false turns. Of our secrets. Henry isn't coming back, and we can't go to him. You know we can't. But you and I... you and I care. We just want to stop the teeth and the claws and the hands under our beds. We just want the world to feel safe, and neither of us... neither of us saw every false step around every corner," I beg. She is still in my arms. She doesn't fight. Not exactly. But she doesn't hold me back. She lets her legs slide off the edge so only I hold her up.
"Everyone in that city that is alive, is alive because of your mistakes," she challenges. "And everyone who is dead, is dead because of mine." I squeeze her tighter. That same intrusive thought invades my mind again, of squeezing her until I crush her. Throwing her over the edge. But this time, as she falls, she is me. I don't want to die. But I know her. Letting her die on Henry's behalf would be no different than jumping myself.
"No," I sob. "No, that's not true, Autumn. I know. I know because I am grieving. I am grieving for my brother. I am grieving for myself. I have lived my life grieving. Weeping for everyone else. Ed held me and I couldn't grieve. My mother hit me and I couldn't grieve. I couldn't do it. I knew it was a simple push away, but I couldn't grieve. But you... I confronted you, I heard the truth from you, and I could grieve. I hold you and I can weep. I can feel it. I can hurt. I can hurt, because you. You know. You know. You know."
She remains limp, but I can feel her body shaking in weak sobs. "How do I move forward?" she asks. "How do I keep doing this?"
"Please," I beg. "Give me one more day. Give me one more day, and weep with me. Let me weep with you. Say goodbye to my brother with me. And after that, let me ask again. And again, and again, and again, until I don't need to ask for one more day anymore. Please. Please. Please."
The next moment is eternal. The world storms around me. The tsunami of my own grief tries to throw me to the ground. It bites into me. It is agony and aimlessness. I drink it all in. I feel it, and I loathe it, and I am me. It's weak, but she wraps her arms around me. It is the closest thing to assent I am going to get. She is her. I am me.
----------------------------------------
"Finally awake huh?" Ember asks as I finally return to my room. She looks irritated but I don't care. I finally got Autumn to bed. I ran into Clarisse and asked her to keep an eye on Autumn as well. Now, I need to face the family I left behind.
"I'll talk about our deal tomorrow," I dismiss. "I haven't forgotten it but, alright. Just... go to sleep."
"We don't have forever to-" she starts and I walk up and flick her in the chin.
"I said we'd talk about it. You'll be alright, sport. Let me take a night off, yeah?"
"Fine, but I will be knocking on your door in the morning," she insists. I roll my eyes. Honestly, fuck her. I don't have the energy to spend on this, and she is really expending it. The façade isn't for her. I need to present it to Ed and Mom. I need to be the strong one. I failed earlier, but I need to make up for it. I don't know if I can. But I need to. I blow Ember off and take a deep breath. Finally, I open my door.
Ed is gone. My mom is gone. Instead, Sarafyna is inside, holding one of her hats and running her hand along the workshop Autumn and I made for her. Again I feel guilt well up. But as she looks over her shoulder at me, the overwhelming emotion I feel is relief. The façade melts immediately and she runs to me as I allow myself to sob. I let it all catch up to me. The pain. The failure. The injuries. The truth about Autumn. The time away from Sara. Mom. Henry. She holds my head against her sternum and I cry all of it into her. I let it all out and months of exhaustion finally catch up to me. She accepts it all.
I feel so, so selfish. These last few months have been torture for her. She has known nothing but fear and desperation and pain. But I can't stop. She pulls it out of me with a single touch. She accepts it. I don't need to be strong for her. I can be me.
When we moved in here, we had separate rooms. But when I finally lie down for the night, rolled onto my right side, she is behind me, holding me. Letting me know it's okay to sleep. It's okay to hurt. I am safe.