Fall of Autumn, Week 4, Day 2

“Are you ready for what’s next?”

As the knit animals settled to the sides of my chair, I felt my heart skip. I met Sir Limrick’s crimson eyes and thought about what awaited me here in the borderlands. I was told by the Countess I would be able to fester if I so chose.

But I was no longer interested in that. I would use every advantage given to me by this house. Scholars, mages, knights, I’d use them all and grow beyond their expectations. And then I’ll disappear, I’ll go so far this house can never find me.

“I am,” I said just before the silence stretched too long, “Whatever insane schedule the Countess has decided on, I’ll do it. Everything.”

Sir Limrick’s stare bore into me, “Everything?”

“Everything.” I nodded.

A smile broke across his face, “Well, it’s better than what the briefing had warned me you’d say.”

“Oh?” I asked, curious about what the knights of the Dusk knew about me beyond the journey.

“I was told you’d fight tooth and nail, that you’d likely rot in that room of yours, and that I’d have to goad you out.” He said it matter of factly as if I should already know what was said about me.

I wasn’t lazy, I was grieving. I hissed in my head. The Countess thinks I’m a degenerate. Just like Eve. I swallowed that thought, though, because the thought of Eve would send me spiraling into a pit of anger that wouldn’t serve me in the moment. In my storm of thought, Noir had crawled up into my lap. I patted his head in reassurance.

At least the spirits wouldn’t speak while we were in the presence of others. I may not be hiding, but I certainly wasn’t that foolish.

“After what we’ve been through,” I started, my eyes running along the row of knights seated down the side of the table, “I don’t think all of that will be necessary.”

Sir Limrick nodded decisively, “Then do you know what I’m going to say next?”

“We start training tomorrow?”

A snort came from the direction of the squires, but my eyes were back focused on Sir Limrick.

“No, but close. You’ll have the rest of the week to recover. Then we’re throwing everything at you. I already spoke with Gristle –if you haven’t met him, he’s the head butler. You’ll do the Swordsmanship Academy and general lessons on even days and the magic tower and etiquette lessons on odd days. You’ll break on Seventh Day and Eighth Day, but on Seventh Day, you will be required to attend Church services. And every morning, you will do Skill Practice with one of your in-house instructors.”

I sighed. General lessons would be useful but etiquette? That’s only if I stayed in the house long term. Ten years is a long time. Best make use of it while you can. As my heart constricted at the thought, Noir leaned back into my stomach.

“Six days until my life is consumed, then?” I asked, feigning amusement.

“Not on the Eighth Day, Lady Nora,” Sir Limrick sniped, and I felt a genuine laugh bubble up.

“All right then.”

That was when a half dozen members of the staff, in their purple uniforms, billowed out of the kitchen. Each person had a tray with several dishes on it. Dinner had begun.

It was a series of extravagant dishes, one after the other. While Sir Limrick and I had been speaking, the room had been silent, clear, focused on me. That was no longer the case. Now, Neil and Arella were chatting, Undein and Siobhan were shooting looks across the table in an ever more ridiculous fashion, and even Arlen and Sir Limrick were chatting. It felt as if I was the only one not involved in the camaraderie. It was just me, left behind. No one had even said anything about the dusk remaining at the Fellan estate. So maybe it was going to be just me, and they were getting me used to being alone now.

“You need to get out of your own head.”

My gaze snapped up from the food on my plate, meeting Klein’s eyes. He looked irritated, but that must have been his resting face because it was so rare to see him anything but irritated. I had shifted Noir to the edge of seat, so he sat next to me.

“Excuse you?” I narrowed my eyes at the older boy.

“You’re sitting here, surrounded by the knights who would love nothing more than to talk to you, and you’re stewing in silence.”

My jaw fell just enough to have me open-mouthed. Then I snapped my mouth shut, lowering my voice, “I am not stewing.”

Klein’s eyes darted from my hands to my face, “You totally are.”

“Okay, well, I don’t see you talking to anyone,” I huffed.

“That’s not true, either,” Klein said, taking a sip of his water, “I’m talking to you.”

I went to retort, but I paused, looking Klein over. He didn’t sound like he was being a jerk. In fact, his body language was more open than usual.

“Hey,” I said, instead of something I’d probably regret, “Why are you dressed so nice?”

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Immediately, Klein straightened, “What do you mean?”

Across from him, Arlen keyed in on the conversation, “She means, why do you look like a prince among paupers?”

Next to them, there was another snort, “Yeah, Klein, go ahead, tell our Lady why you’re dressed so fancy.”

Klein looked uncomfortable, and that was the opposite of what I’d been going for. I was trying to make easy conversation.

“I didn’t mean–”

I was cut off by Klein huffing, color blossoming across his cheeks, “I know, Lady Nora. Because no one told you. I asked to go by Klein instead of my family name.”

I blinked. Family name.

“What is it?” I asked, “Your family name?”

“It’s Ouros,” he said quietly as if hoping I wouldn’t hear, “I’m the son of Baron Ouros in Fellan.”

I nodded, unsurprised, “That makes sense.”

Arlen looked taken aback, “That’s it?”

Sir Limrick also looked displeased but didn’t voice it.

“What?” I asked, looking around in surprise. Klein himself had a smile. “It does!”

I turned back to Klein to ask, “You wouldn’t even go into the Baroness’ house in Perry —is that why? You didn’t want to be outed?”

“To be honest,” Klein said sheepishly, “I thought you’d take it poorly.”

I laughed, muttering under my breath, “What haven’t I taken poorly?”

“No, it makes it all click,” I said louder, “You’re way more comfortable chatting with me than Arlen, and you always look put together –on top of being skilled in several weird skills on the journey.”

Arlen spluttered, “My Lady, I’m put together too!”

“Shh,” I soothed, “It’s okay to have faults. It just so happens Klein’s is his personality.”

It was Klein’s turn to recoil, “Lady Nora!”

“What?” I turned back to him, a Cheshire grin on my face, “Who was the one who told me Noir was ugly?”

I held up Noir to make my point.

“I didn’t say the word ugly!” He protested, eyeing the wiggling bunny as if it was going to attack him.

“It was implied,” I said coolly, “But it’s okay. Because I’ll make him better, he’ll be the finest crafted bunny in all of the Duchy –no, in all of Maeve.”

While we continued our banter, Sir Limrick looked on —that same tight-lipped smile he always gave on his face, and then time flew.

It was different than that night at the inn, where the knights had shown off their Skills, but it was just as fun. Maybe I’d let go of just enough of my edge, or maybe it was because the sinking feeling of little Eunora had disappeared. Maybe now I was free to be me.

But that didn’t stop the brewing anger within me when I was alone. So, after I’d made my way back to my room with all the knit animals in tow I took a deep breath. As the door closed behind me, I collapsed to my knees, shaking. My breathing was jagged and I felt it then, all the anger and guilt I kept pushing down. Again and again I ignored it. Saying I would make it right.

That it didn’t matter.

That I was fine.

“I’m not fine,” I choked out.

“We know,” Noir said gently, patting my back with his paw.

“It’s okay, Nora,” Haze said, wrapping his stubby arms around my knee.

“It’s okay to not be okay,” this time it was Shade, and she climbed up my arm and settled in the crook of my neck.

“No,” I said, gently swiping Noir and Haze up into my arms, “It’s not enough anymore. I need to be better.”

I stared down at my black nails and the bangles I’d taken to wearing. It was all made out of compressed darkness. I could maintain it’s presence indefinitely. [Shadow Conjuration] and [Shadow Manipulation] had gotten another force multiplier after my Divinity was raised by Abelia.

I released the compression and was surrounded by a mass of darkness, pulsing against me. I took a deep breath.

“I’ll be better.” I decided it, then and there. Whatever emotion overcomes me, it will not take me over.

“I’ll do so good in Fellan, the older Dawns will be threatened.”

“I’ll work so hard at the sword academy, Raphael’s skills will be forgotten.”

“I’ll outdo Eve in magic, too,” I hissed, “Any chance of heirship will sink when I surpass her.”

If I haven’t already.

“I’ll study so much, Theo’s memory pales in comparison.”

Around me, the shadows were writhing, the tendrils wrapping around me and the knit animals. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought I had gone mad. But [Mental Fortitude] would know better than me. And it said I was sane. That my thoughts were my own.

“And I’ll kill every Blight that Eve sends my way.”

At that, it was as if a spell was cast on me –and not the kind that [Mental Fortitude] uses. I stood up and dropped off the animals on my bed. I looked down at them, a new kind of fire in my eyes.

“Will you help me?” I asked, but I knew the answer.

Noir, Haze, and Shade righted themselves and, as one, they answered.

“Of course.”

“Thank you,” I gave them a wobbly smile, “Thank you so much.”

“Anything, Nora, we’d do anything for you.” Noir, or Entertainer, said, “You are the reason we exist, after all.”

“You gave us life. You give us purpose.” Out of Haze came Commander’s deep voice.

Shade was the last to speak, in the gentle voice of Advocate, “We love you, Nora. Anything you need, we’ll do. Commanded or not.”

I knew the words were genuine, that the spirits were created with my Skill. My Divinity, it altered what was usually possible. It meant I could give true life to these inanimate knit animals. I could give them personalities, goals, dreams. But I also knew they were bound by my commands. Even now, my ‘come to me’ meant they would follow wherever I go whether that was the pits of hell or the clouds of heaven.

They had no choice.

If I told them with my Command to sacrifice themselves, they’d be compelled. And that was why it weighed so heavily on my soul. Eve used people like pawns. I wouldn’t be the same. No. I’d be better. If I needed a pawn, I’d be sure it became a queen. Able to protect itself from the machinations of the controller.

“If you stay with me, with your compassion, I promise—“ I took in a deep breath, “I promise I will not abuse my commands.”

“Even if you did, we’d still stand by you.” Noir practically purred, “As long as our souls are intact, these bodies are replaceable.”

I swallowed thickly.

“Not to me.”