Break of Autumn, Week 3, Day 6

Most? Did she just–

I felt anger overwhelm me.

“Lady Perry,” I steeled my voice as much as I could, “I think you will find Sir Rellar and his Knights are plenty capable.”

“Oh yes, I’m sure they are,” she said innocently, “But you know, they have quite a few unsavory characters this go around.”

“Unsavory?” I questioned, monotone.

“Well, you know, so many commoners in this contingent –it’s really a shock they’ve been permitted to guard you, my Lady. One would expect a Child of the Dawn to be escorted by a Noble Contingent, not a ragtag group. Definitely not like that squire you were with earlier,” Lady Perry’s voice held an underlying tone of condescension, “It’s much more suitable for you to spend your days with Jenny, of course. Someone on your level.”

My eyes shot to Lady Jenny, who was not looking up from her empty plate.

“On my level?” I repeated, not understanding –until I did, “Do you mean of my caste?”

The noble caste. She’s not talking about their capabilities. She’s referring to how most of my knights are commoners. Most don’t even have last names. Dame Arella doesn’t –nor does Sir Neil. Klein or Arlen, either. Undein, Siobhan, Shior, Hanlon, Jordan. Commoners. Seven out of twelve. But they are strong. So they are capable. And she’s just a baroness.

I stretched out my hand to prevent forming a fist, tightening my muscles from my finger to my wrist. A white-hot rage was boiling in my veins. Who cares about caste when competency beats all?

“Lady Nora–”

“Eunora.” I cut her off, “I did not give you leeway to shorten my name.”

I watched as a storm crossed Lady Perry’s face, and I could feel Lady Jenny’s eyes on me, but I paid it no mind. That’s how hot my anger was. Lady Perry quickly cleared her offense from her face and gave a sharp smile.

“Apologies, Lady Eunora.” She quickly tried to smooth it over, “But yes, of course, you can’t imagine commoners could protect you better than your peers–”

“I can, and I do. They are [Citizens of Maeve] just like you or I. I don’t see what last names matter in that regard.”

Calm down, calm down, calm down, Nora. Do you need to have this fight? Is this worthwhile? But I knew the answer before I’d had the thought. Yes. Though it seemed Lady Perry had no desire to continue this line of talk and instead brought her hand up and over, patting my hand, still stretched out and tension-filled.

“It’s all right, Lady Eunora. I’m sure your viewpoints will mature with time.”

I was speechless. And offended. Even now, in a house where I am meant to be above all I am treated as lesser.

“No, Lady Perry, I don’t think they will,” I ground out, “Besides –I don’t believe you of all people should be criticizing my knights.”

Mine. My knights. A new wave of anger boiled under my skin.

“Lady Eunora,” Lady Perry covered her mouth with her hand, but I could still see the twitch of her eyebrow, “I’m sure you don’t mean that.”

I felt a feral grin spread across my face. What’s the worst that could happen? The thought was quick as lightning, but my voice was measured when I spoke. I had been worried it would shake with anger –but no such thing happened.

“I don’t believe a mere baroness has a right to determine what a Child of the Dawn means. Especially one who failed her people so spectacularly that she is relying on my commoner knights to solve her problems.”

It took everything in me to control my strength as I straightened my place setting before standing.

“It seems I’ve lost my appetite.”

Making my way to the door, I relished in the blank expression on the two Ladies Perry. Before I left, though, I couldn’t help firing a final shot.

“To think. You have disregarded the grace I gave you.” Venom laced my voice as I pulled open the door to the main hall, “To decry the help you begged for. How ignoble.”

The door slammed behind me.

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Dame Arella was outside my door when I got back to my room, and she looked as drained as I felt. It must have been a long day. My anger had cooled on the walk-up, but not by much.

“How many blights were there?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking as soon as our eyes met.

She simply shook her head, “It’s best if you don’t know the specifics of the excursions, my Lady.”

Well, that’s horrifying, I thought to myself. I could feel bile swelling at the back of my throat, but I held it back.

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“I’d rather know the gory details than be caught unaware.” My voice was still harsh, still uncontrolled, and the only one to blame for my poor control was myself. My rage at being looked down on was still fresh. And Dame Arella had prodded an open wound.

It took Dame Arella a moment before, “The first bramble held fifty-three and the second held eighty-nine.”

I took a breath, steadying the fear that wanted to come forward. I focused on my anger instead.

“State of the Dusk?”

“No major injuries, a few minor injuries already healed.”

With nothing left to say, I nodded back and said, “I’m glad you all came back safe.”

I gave a good night and slipped into my temporary room, with its pinks and oranges. Whether it was originally meant to be reserved for a member of the Dawn, I wasn’t sure. But the room wouldn’t be out of place at the Dawn estate. The walls shifted from a light pink at the base of the walls to a warm pink that shifted into a deep orange toward the ceiling. Golden finishings hung from the ceiling, and within were warm-toned magelights. It gave the room an ethereal aesthetic.

I grabbed Haze and Shade from the bed and curled into the plush couch, with its pale orange tone, and pulled my bag into my lap. I could have used Noir at dinner. He would have been a good distraction. I took out Noir, and allowed myself to look at my creations.

Noir was familiar, like an old friend. He’d been there from the beginning. Haze, the shining panda, made me smile. He was a comfort to hug, with his round stomach stuffed with plush yarn. Shade was the smallest of the three, barely bigger than my palm. The lizard was also the only one with any color –the deep forest green so dark I could barely tell it was anything other than black.

[Shadow Animation]

The ice of mana flooded my veins, congregating around my chest before three globules of shadow manifested and headed for the three stuffed animals. While the shadows sank into their little bodies, I pulled out the bolt of fabric I had been working on previously. It was now several feet long, and I wanted to see how far I could get in a single night.

Once I was settled back down, I looked to Noir, Haze, and Shade. Their eyes sparked with intelligence and I gave my command.

“Have fun tonight, my dear friends.” Level 6 came with an additional word, and I loved it dearly. The growth filled me with pride, and I watched as the three animals began to move to their own will. Noir scooted closer to me. Meanwhile, Shade and Haze began climbing down from the couch. Haze used his larger body more gracefully than usual. Shade simply scooted off the edge and plopped to the ground.

“Who do I have?” I asked as I began running [Shadow Manipulation]. I still had plenty of thread so [Weave of Darkness] sat dormant in my mind. It was a challenge to maintain two lines of thinking –one meticulously [Weaving] and tightening the thread and another to speak with the spirits. Difficult, but not impossible.

“Consul.” Noir said, nuzzling into my side. Consul was new, fresh from the Level 6 upgrade. But often, they kept close to me and chatted. They were helpful.

“Entertainer!” Haze shouted, twirling on his stubby little feet. Entertainer would do anything for a laugh, I’d learned, so I gave him a smile.

“Adventurer,” Shade said from under the couch, where she was no doubt looking for a secret nook under the fabric. That’s often what Adventurer liked to do.

“Are you ok?” Noir nuzzled his nose into my side, and I felt my irritation drain from me.

“I will be,” I sighed, “Just tired, and angry, and really wanting to finish this bolt of fabric so I can try my hand at sewing.”

Creation has become something cathartic to me. Something that reaffirms I am alive. Something that allows me to ground myself in this reality, and begin to leave behind elsewhere. Not that I want to forget elsewhere. No. But allowing elsewhere to haunt me forever is not an option, not any longer. Become the God of Nora. Trust us. Practice, eat, grow. Give us some of your burden to bear. Pray to yourself. The words of Morloch and the Knights reverbed through my head.

“Mmmm,” Noir nodded into me, settling in for the night.

Meanwhile, Haze began humming a tune I recognized from elsewhere. My heart clenched as I fell into the fugue state that creating often dragged me into. All I could hear was the gentle sound of Haze’s subvocalizations and Shade occasionally falling from where she’d crawled into.

Eventually, I found myself singing along to the folk song from elsewhere under my breath so softly I could barely hear my own voice.

“Die Gedanken sind frei,

My thoughts freely flower.

Die Gedanken sind frei,

My thoughts give me power.

No Scholar can map them.

No hunter can trap them.

No man can deny

Die Gedanken sind frei.

No man can deny

Die Gedanken sind frei.

So I think as I please

And this gives me pleasure;

My conscience decrees

This right I must treasure;

My thoughts will not cater

To Duke or dictator,

My thoughts freely fly.

Die Gedanken sind frei.

And if should tyrants take me

And throw me in prison,

My thoughts will burst free,

Like blossoms in season.

Foundations will crumble.

The structure will tumble.

And free men will cry,

Die Gedanken sind frei."

As I sang and I worked, as I felt my mind open and my fingers stumble, I realized a wet droplet had fallen onto the black fabric. Bringing a hand up to my face, I wiped away the streams of tears. My mother of elsewhere had taught me the song, long before I was spirited away. It was passed down from her mother and her mother’s mother and so on and so forth for generations. It dated before the Domes, before magic, before darkness. Back when humanity feared each other above all else. The song had meant much to my mother, and by extension me.

Now, though, it held a new meaning.

Die Gedanken sind frei.

Thoughts are free.

I pressed my palms against my eyes. My silent tears continued to fall. Because it’s true. Here, my words were confined by the Divine. No, not just the Divine. My words were held prisoner by the System itself. All I had were my thoughts. No matter what comfort I found with the knights or other children, they could never know me fully. Not like my animations. Not like my own mind. There are words I couldn’t dare to utter due to the risk of losing them all. There are memories that have been taken from me against my will, leaving me but a husk.

All that’s left is what’s in my head. No more, no less.

All that’s left is the remnants of who I was.

My anger and my grief –and soon, my growth.