Break of Autumn, Week 3, Day 5

Jenny guided us through Perry, taking us around the town square and the various side streets. She didn’t offer much commentary aside from, ‘This is the blacksmith,’ or ‘Here is the bookshop.’ I tried to pry –to see if she had a favorite shop or spent her time anywhere specific, but that was mostly fruitless and left me feeling excluded by an actual child.

It reminded me of how Theo would treat Eunora. Not with malice like Eve or anger like Raphael, but indifference. I hated it –and so did little Eunora. I could feel how it made her shrink back when I spoke and, in turn, caused me to stutter and stammer as I tried to fend off the feelings of inadequacy.

Towards lunch, when Jenny offered up the manor, I decided enough was enough. I’d made hardly any progress, and it had left me feeling worse than before.

“Thank you for the offer, Lady Jenny,” I stated coolly, my voice as firm as I could make it, “But I believe this is where we separate.”

Jenny blinked at me before a flash of a smile appeared –and then was promptly squashed, “Of course, my Lady. I will be returning to the manor if you need me.”

She was polite in the way one would treat their boss. I took a deep breath.

You can’t force someone to be something they’re not, Nora. I thought to myself, Clara isn’t the same as Lady Jenny.

At the realization I’d been trying to rebuild what I’d had in Ugar, I shut down the familiarity I was forcing in my head. I decided to consciously call Jenny Lady Jenny.

The God of Nora wouldn’t beg for friendship, I nodded to myself.

I looked around, it was just Klein and Arlen. The knights of Perry left with Lady Jenny. Anxiety snaked through me. I swallowed my fear of monsters and reminded myself that we were within the walls of Perry. They’d kept this town safe for ages. Even the current blight issues hadn’t breached the walls.

“Are you hungry?” I asked the two squires.

Arlen and Klein looked at each other for a moment before shaking their heads in unison.

“Nope,” Arlen gave a lazy smile, “we had a big breakfast.”

I nodded, “Do you want to run?”

Klein, for the first time since entering the walls of Perry, grinned. Arlen looked betrayed.

“Lady Nora, how could you?” He whined.

“I bet Klein will win every race,” I shot back, and Arlen put his hand to his chest and gasped.

“Absolutely not,” Arlen, a mischievous glint in his eyes, looked around, “Want to run the perimeter of Perry? Inside the wall, of course.”

I bit my cheek. That was so close to the outside. So close to the forest. So close to the monsters that haunted my dreams.

It’s closer to the gates in case the knights need help. You can welcome them back.

“Okay.” I nodded.

Both squires nodded, and Klein set the ground rules.

“Arlen will pace ahead of you, and I’ll pace behind you. First one to call for a break between Arlen and me loses.”

I nodded, then looked down at my frilled dress.

“Let’s go to the carriage and grab some of my traveling clothes. I can’t run in this.”

After a brief detour, where we avoided as much of House Perry as we could, we snuck into the carriage and grabbed a bag with pants and a loose shirt. The pants were tailored close to my legs, so they didn’t have a ton of give, but the boots packed with it were comfortable. And the shirt was frilled and loose, which was perfect. I changed in the carriage before realizing I still had my bag with me.

I would either have to run with it or go to the Perry Manor and put it away. In defeat, I trudged up to the main entrance –where two knights of House Perry were stationed. They let me in without a problem, but I didn’t like how they looked at Arlen. Klein was waiting by the carriage for us.

As I made my way up the stairs, a gentle sound filled the hallway. It was harmonious and beautiful. I paused in my ascent and listened for several moments. It was probably Lady Jenny playing the harp. It sounded like the harp –kind of. The tones seemed to contain multitudes.

It’s probably a Skill, I thought, before debating whether or not to go in and see if it was really Lady Jenny practicing.

Arlen being behind me made the decision for me, and I continued up the stairs to the room I’d been put up in. Quickly, I tucked my bag away, grabbed my coin purse, and gave it to Arlen to carry.

“I trust you,” I nodded seriously, “Hopefully, it’ll slow you down enough to lose.”

Arlen snorted, “I don’t believe for a moment that you’re rooting for Klein.”

My faux seriousness broke, and I smiled, “Not even for a moment?”

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Arlen’s skeptical look was answer enough, and I closed the door as we exited the room. As we left the manor, I could still hear the sounds of Lady Jenny playing the harp. I wanted to watch. To ask her what else she could play. To see how much feeling she could push into her music –based on the tranquility of the current song, my bet was a lot. But I’d already made the decision not to force it. And though she’d looked happy talking about it before, she had not invited me to watch her.

Once we were nearing the carriage, Klein popped up, a sour look on his face.

“What took so long?” He snapped.

I flattened my mouth and pointed at Arlen, “He fell down the stairs.”

Arlen spluttered, and Klein blinked.

“Really?”

“No!” Arlen immediately responded, causing whatever funk Klein was in to break and he smiled.

“I bet it’s true. Or are you accusing our Lady of lying?”

I looked up at Arlen, my eyes wide, “Are you?”

Immediately, Arlen glowered, “I don’t like it when you two gang up on me.”

I snorted.

----------------------------------------

“Stop, I can’t–” I heaved, “breathe!”

Immediately, Arlen stopped. Klein was already standing next to me. Sweat was pouring out of me, and the boys looked fine. That doesn’t even make sense!

What is the point of all these attributes if I can’t keep up? I found a patch of dead grass and plopped down. It was better than dirt. Most of the plant life had already gone dormant and was brown and dried out.

We had run around the perimeter a single time before I had to break, but still.

You’ve only been training your attributes for a short time, Nora. Give yourself grace. I tried to give myself a pep talk. I had run more than should have been possible, at least.

“You did good, Nora.” Arlen squatted down to look at me. “Better than in Wig.”

I took several deep breaths. Arlen and Klein both had light sheens of sweat.

I want to ask about their levels. I thought. I want to know our differences.

But I didn’t ask. We weren’t close –not like that. I’d barely gotten Arlen and Klein to call me just Nora, and that’s only when we were away from the other knights. The rest of the lot could only be talked down to Lady Nora. Maybe one day I would have someone close enough to ask. Clara and the boys flitted through my mind, but I kicked that thought. I hadn’t even told them I was a Dawn.

A sense of defeat overwhelmed me. A sense of loneliness. A sense of aggravation at the other two senses.

I could feel the grass sticking to my exposed forearms, the pointed tips poking into my flesh. I stared up at the suns high in the sky. Running had freed me from some of the darkness that interacting with the Perrys had given me. So proper, so put together, so noble.

“It was a fool’s errand,” I mumbled.

“Hmm?” Arlen leaned toward me.

I let out a huff, “I shouldn’t have pushed the Perry girl so hard.”

Klein choked on air and mouthed silently, “The Perry girl.”

I plucked some grass and threw it at him, “Yeah. So I’m admitting defeat.”

I felt small when I thought of our interactions, of how Lady Jenny was short but polite. I was tired of polite. It’s why I like Arlen and Klein so much. They had no problem treating me —well, not normal, but something close to it. They included me in their banter, and in exchange, I got to feel like I was a part of something. I wanted that with others, too, but if that weren’t the case, I’d have to be happy with my knights.

My knights, I thought to myself, Will they stick around in Fellan? Or will they leave me to wither on my own? Dame Arella promised to help me once we’re there, but how much stock can I put in them?

Dame Arella’s words still filled my head.

‘Will you trust us?’

‘I’ll try.’

Only, I didn’t have to try anymore. I could feel the shift in me —I trusted the knights. They were mine, now. No longer was I consumed with anxiety when I wanted to ask a simple question, nor would I hesitate to answer one of theirs. Even though I knew they were sworn to the Dawns —for now, I was still one of them. It wasn’t as if it had solved all my problems. I was still empty, still fighting for my existence, for purpose. But here I found myself, laying out by the outer gates of Perry with two squires that seemed to overpower all of Perry’s knights –if the deference they’ve been given was any indication. I felt –not good, but somewhere near to it. Good adjacent. If I allowed myself, if I gave in to the soft feeling in my chest, I knew I could be happy for the moment. Not forever –just until I next thought of elsewhere, of my family, of my life.

But isn’t this my life now? One day, maybe I can go back. But I need to be stronger for that. So strong no mortal can compare. So insanely strong I can challenge the Gods who brought me here. That is the only way home.

I took a breath, relieving myself of the anxiety and defeatism that was welling within me. I chose instead to fill myself with determination.

Be the God of Nora. Eat, practice, sleep, repeat. Grow.

Perhaps it was a foolish dream to want to overcome the twin Gods. Perhaps they were undefeatable. Never to be conquered by the likes of a little girl. But yet, what if they weren’t? What if I stood a chance?

“[Sophism]”

The world around me came awash in red, and I knew. Whatever I chose from here on out was useless. It would always be Chaos. I would always fall in line with one of the twin Gods’ wishes. Because if I didn’t want to live the captive life of Eunora, I had to become more.

I had to become so strong no one could control me.

I stood up, looking down at the two boys who barely looked winded. I nodded, a dark expression across my face. I schooled it into something more positive –if not revenge, then determination.

“Let’s go again.”

Arlen and Klein looked at each other, back to me, then stood up themselves. And off we went, around the town until I couldn’t breathe. And then we did it again. And again. I was swimming in sweat by the time the suns began to set over the horizon. But there was a fire in my veins, and neither of the boys complained about the pace. It was slower than they were used to, but the distance was not so little that they were unscathed. Arlen, at one point had to call us to break –losing the competition between him and Klein. I think it was a shock that I could still stand by the end of the afternoon as we had circled the town three times.

Twilight cast the wall around Perry in a pink light and the three of us were back at the front gate of Perry, splayed out in exhaustion, at the same time the Knights of the Dusk arrived.