Peak of Autumn, Week 5, Day 2

I listened to Father Regin speak, and I tried to mind my responses, but there was an overwhelming sense of defeat filling me. My arms and legs were like lead, and my throat was dry. The best I could do was shove it away, hide it beneath my skin –save it for unpacking in the silence of my carriage.

I stared past the High Priest, looking at the tense stance of the other priests –priests of different gods. All wrapped in different body chains. It was rather poetic, that. The Gods chose these people –gave them strength and Divinity, only to bind them to their will. They were no better than slaves in the face of the might of the Divine.

My eyes settled on a woman in a blue and white toga, her skin was pale but it held tattoos of blue etching on her skin. And her eyes were the same pitch black of Scylla. One of her Godtouched, no doubt. The very look of her was calling to me –and Eunora was well versed in Scylla and her Tydes. It was, after all, one of the things she fought to be allowed to know. The woman had her hair set in waves that were a pale comparison to the Goddess, and the deep oceanic blue coloring of it made her the direct opposite of the Divine she was sworn to.

I knew if I spoke to the priestess then and there, I would collapse. And there were too many eyes for me to allow myself to fall apart. Not that it was really an option, even if I wanted to talk to her. I was supposed to be saying something to the priest of Abelia.

What was it again? I couldn’t remember. There were so many rules. This seemed like an important part –he was holding out his hand.

“Congratulations.” The power left his voice, and his body ceased glowing.

I didn’t bow. I remembered reading that to bow to a priest is to acknowledge their God as supreme. I didn’t smile –I didn’t have it in me. Instead, I met Father Regin’s eyes –still filled with storm clouds.

“Thank you.”

I put my hand in his. My response was wrong. I was supposed to use some five-hundred-year-old phrase to express my gratitude. But it was lost to the buzzing that was currently filling my ears. Father Regin didn’t so much at pause at my indiscretion. And I hardly flinched as I was turned to face the entirety of the church, and my hand was raised.

“It is darkest before the Dawn, my friends,” Father Regin’s voice filled the room, overflowing with strength, “And the newest Light of Dawn shines brighter by the Day.”

Suddenly, a thunderous roar filled the church, with everyone standing and clapping –the knights stomped their feet –the priests shook with a high-pitched tinkling of chains.

I wanted to tell them they were cruel.

That they had no idea what I had been through.

That they were following monsters disguised as Gods.

I wanted to lie down.

Instead, I let a wry grin fill my face, and, despite the protests of my muscles, I waved my free hand.

I let the knowledge that such cheering never occurred for Eunora ground me. No. Her Affirmation was a muted affair –a mild flicker of a light had appeared. She hadn’t set off a flashbang. She had fought tooth and nail for every ounce of power. And I had been given a gratuitous modifier to my Skills. Several times over, as Scylla had said.

>And I died without it.<

My hand froze at the thought. It wasn’t like the usual feelings of Eunora –the fleeting flashes of memory, the anxiety, the childish thoughts. This was a voice, solid and sure and slightly manic. But it was gone as soon as it had arrived. And I didn’t have time to dwell on it, because I was being guided through the rest of the Affirmation.

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It was a mystery to me how I found myself sitting in a plush chair across from Father Regin, the Dusk Knights settled just outside the door. But there I sat, his stormy eyes boring into my soul.

“Relax, child, I do not bite.” At his softened smile, I felt my mind recoil.

“Yes, Father Regin.” My voice was dull, and I no longer felt the need to even so much as feign anything other than indifference.

“Now, now, how do you feel? Fully Affirmed, you can now take your rightful place in the succession of your house.”

I tensed, “My rightful place in the succession is fifth in line. After my elder siblings and father.”

Father Regin’s eyes crinkled.

“That is what I meant, Light of Dawn. Tell me,” And his eyes suddenly weren’t so friendly, “Will you be visiting us again?”

And the weight of his aura rolled over me anew. I clenched my teeth.

“Not in Adeline, I leave later today,” I forced out, my body fighting the urge to scream, nevernevernever not if I can help it.

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“You should consider it,” he waved his hand, gesturing to the barren walls around us, “The Church has many Gods. You need not pray to them all.”

The thought of Morloch reaching out of his realm passed through my mind, but I stamped it down. There was only so much delusion I could stomach.

>You cannot lie, not here. So do not promise anything you can not keep.<

My hands shook. That was a voice. Not of my own. It was filling my ears, and I could not ignore it, not this time.

“I… will think about it.”

His body stiffened, and he gripped the edge of his desk, “A half-truth, my Lady?”

His smile was tight. I bit the inside of my cheek. This was bad. Priests of Abelia could hunt out lies like a hound dog.

“My life is not my own, not yet,” I whispered, my voice barely audible over the ambient noise coming from the door.

I watched as Father Regin’s body physically relaxed, “Truth.”

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Leaving the church was an exercise in control. All I wanted was to scream, to cry, to fall apart. The emotions of watching Eunora’s life were still raw within me, an open wound that was threatening to bleed me dry.

The crowd had slimmed some, mostly towards the back, but it was far from empty. Fortunately, the trio of knights were no longer behind me –two were leading the way and keeping everyone away, while the third was walking by my side. The etiquette book had said that it was poor form to socialize at an Affirmation, but that didn’t mean it was not done. And a lot of the nicer-dressed attendees looked as if they would jump out of their skin to have a conversation.

When we began descending the stairs, I halfway expected chaos. But again, there were priests lining the way to the road and keeping a passage clear for me. As we approached the ostentatious carriage, I found myself wondering when we would switch it out for the unmarked coach.

I climbed up into the compartment, and as the door closed behind me, I collapsed into the cushions, not bothering to close the curtains. I sat in silence as we pulled away. The walls seemed to be closing in on me, their own silence radiating and causing me to feel ever more unsteady.

I only lasted five minutes like that –staring into the shadows of the compartment, leaving Noir and Haze tucked in my bag, pretending nothing had happened. Nothing at all. Then I screamed. I cursed the Gods and Goddesses, I cursed my Skills, and I cursed my Divinity score. I didn’t want it, didn’t need it. And it hurt. I threw the cushions across the compartment.

I wailed, and I begged, and I bargained with myself –this was it. No more.

And then I felt my Will call upon a Skill before I really thought it through.

[Mental Fortitude]

However, unlike the day before, when it shoved memories into my head, now it felt as if everything was dull. The pain in my ears, the tightness of my throat, the stone in my stomach. It was all so far away. Suddenly, I was hovering outside my body, watching myself holding my knees to my chest. Watching the way my hands were shaking –the way tear tracks lined my face. And I felt calm. Nothing could touch me in this in-between place.

It was everything I needed –to be numb in a new way. Not in the way I was numb after first awaking here. No, this was different. It was as if time was passing like a bullet –because when I came back to myself, back to the ball I’d forced myself into, someone was knocking on the carriage door.

As it opened, it was the knight with the scar –the one who’d fumbled with the place setting. The same one who had been walking next to me out of the church.

>His name is Neil. In case you forgot.<

I had, of course, forgotten his name. But it was a new horror to have a voice reminding you of things you didn’t know. Especially when that voice was in your head.

I met Sir Neil’s dark eyes and took in the shocked look on his face. I became wholly aware of how I must look, giving a watery smile. It was the best I could do. So what if I was pitiful? Surely the Dusk Knights already knew that. I was being shuffled across the Dawn lands by myself, without even a maid.

To his credit, it only took him a second to school his expression, “My Lady, we are switching carriages.”

I nodded quickly and shuffled out of the carriage, ignoring his outstretched hand –out of embarrassment or haste, I wasn’t sure.

I didn’t meet any of the other knights’ eyes as I scanned the empty street –it looked to be a side street as it was much narrower than the road we had been on on the way to the church. As for the road from the church, I couldn’t say I was really put together enough to bother noticing.

I saw the carriage Sir Neil meant immediately –it was all that was in the street. I took in the new carriage. The wooden base had been swapped out for something less ostentatious. It was still a dark wood, but now there were no house emblems or gold ornamentation, no suns engraved on the surface, or lights glowing at the edges. It was… just a carriage.

I climbed into it, and as the door closed behind me, I collapsed into the cushions. This carriage was clearly meant for long-term travel –the seats were comfier and seemed to be able to function as a bed. I didn’t have time to notice more before a muscular woman, Dame Arella, opened the door. She towered in the doorway, her blonde hair tied back in a low ponytail and her brown eyes fixed on me. She was in the same armor as Sir Neil –a cream metal with a setting sun emblazoned on the chest piece and violet leathers underneath.

“Lady Eunora, I heard you were injured.” Her voice was soft, but it carried all the way to my ears –now crusty with dried blood.

I hesitated. How could–

“Sir Neil told me,” She gave me a small smile, but it was a sad thing, “He said he could smell the blood after your Affirmation.”

Dame Arella held out her hand, in which she held a wet rag, “Would you mind if I checked you over and cleaned up any wounds?”

Biting my lip, I shifted so I was further inside the carriage and nodded my assent.

“All right, I’ll tell Sir Limrick to head out, and I’ll ride with you until we get you all cleaned up.”

She disappeared for half a minute, leaving the door open. I could only see a couple of the knights through the gap, but they both had sour looks as they glanced toward the carriage. My stomach did a flip.

And then Dame Arella was back, this time without her heavy armor. She was in a sleeveless lavender top and deep violet slacks. As she settled in beside me, I wondered bitterly if even the Knights of the Dusk were forbidden from wearing green.

>Of course not. This is just their uniform.<

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as the voice once again intruded on my thoughts.