Chapter Twenty Eight

Suck On This!

Jenna got Vash and walked back to the Dhalia Palace where Fallcet was still unconscious on the floor. She put the crown back on his head and it stuck, even though it was a little wobbly. She imagined Fallcet knew about the wobble and had been keeping it a secret.

She had Vash pick him up and put him in her old bed. She settled herself like an old grandma in a rocking chair and mentally loaded her shotgun. She was going to get rid of him. No one would find the body… because it would be somewhere else… wandering around… whatever not dead people did after Jenna got rid of them.

Okay, that was a little much. She actually had no intention of killing Fallcet, but she had every intention of disposing of him publicly. It was going to be beautiful.

Then she stayed in a chair beside him and polished her figurative rifle beside him until he woke up.

“Welcome back,” she said when he opened his eyes. She sounded like nothing was wrong.

“What happened?” he asked in a daze, rubbing his eyes.

“You passed out. See? You do get woozy when you even think of seeing a boneman with his shirt off,” she chuckled into her sleeve.

“I do not!” he croaked. His throat was too dry from his trip to nappy-nappy town for him to bark, so he croaked.

“How are you feeling? I can call for Rennett’s Dr. Lawson if you’d like,” Jenna offered pleasantly.

Fallcet sat up and made a valiant attempt at spitting out his own tongue. “I feel awful. You fired a tranquilizer dart at me, didn’t you?

Jenna shrugged innocently. “Why would I have such a thing?”

“Obviously because I complained about your refusal to go to bed with me. You punished me.”

Jenna kept her face as neutral as if she were playing poker. She had found his conversation offensive. However, she would not have sedated him over it. She was perfectly capable of standing up for herself. But just so long as he didn’t know she’d discovered that his crown was slipping, she would agree to whatever explanation his brain fabricated.

“You don’t have to be that mean, Jenna.” He fell back on his pillows and narrowly missed hitting his head on the headboard. Then he rolled on his side to look at her. “I don’t know how to get to you. I’m a diplomat. I know how to negotiate, but with you, it’s like there’s always no room for negotiation.”

Jenna knew what he was doing. His last line was a play at manipulating her. He thought she wouldn’t want to be seen as hard or uncompromising because diplomats have to be able to give as well as take. She was also a woman and what woman wanted to be thought of as an unyielding force?

She smiled at him as he launched into a rant about all the ways she’d shut him down, bypassing how he’d kidnapped her and nearly killed her in a fish tank. When she had listened to him for all of five and a half minutes, she stood up.

“If you don’t want me to call for Dr. Lawson, then I’ll be on my way. When you’re ready to tell me who the leak in the orbital team is, I’d be happy to talk to you.”

“That’s it!” he suddenly shouted. He peeled the blanket off himself and tried to jump to his feet. “If I tell you who it is, will you sle— go on a date with me?”

It was a poor recovery. Jenna wasn’t sure if the poor wording was due to the after-effects of the tranquilizer or if he was just generally as unskilled at romance as Sardius suggested he was.

Jenna knocked Fallcet back on the bed with two fingers to the breastbone.

“You’re not feeling well,” she reminded him firmly. “You need to rest. You can expect an invitation from me in the next day or two.”

“About our date?”

“No,” she said with a neck-slicing motion, implying he needed to cut it out. “I’ve been sitting here and I’ve had a lot on my mind. It will be an invitation for all the diplomats. Wait for it. It will be something impossible to miss.”

Fallcet obviously thought she had been planning a party. He got back into the bed with a relaxed look on his face.

Jenna glanced back at him before she left. Getting rid of him would probably be less sweet than she imagined. However, the imagining was pretty sweet all by itself.

***

Jenna had Ixy extend an invitation to the Mercury Palace to each diplomat. They were given a time and a place, a reminder that they might get wet, and to dress appropriately. For once, Jenna did not give Celestina permission to film the event. Jenna had her own drones from when Sardius used to film reels for her. Ixy would be in control of the filming and she was brimming with jubilation.

“Sorry, I thought you were boring, Jenna,” she clucked on the other end of the earpiece. “I couldn’t be more excited.”

Jenna sat in a wetsuit on the edge of the opening to the ocean in the Mercury Palace and dangled her legs in the water in the same way she had when she married Favel. She was expecting all seven of her diplomats in a moment.

Even Jenna had to admit, it was good to be able to share the event with someone like Ixy. It would have been better if Sardius could have been there, but no matter where he was, what battle he was fighting, or who he was killing, Jenna knew that he would be proud of her for what she was about to do. That was all the encouragement she needed.

Slowly, her diplomats came in. Jenna had them line up in order of when they had been crowned.

First was Jenna, clad in a wetsuit.

Second was Excelyn, who wore a wetsuit of the same make and cut as Jenna’s, except Jenna’s was black and Excelyn’s was dark aqua.

Third was Celestina, who wore a white bathing suit that made her look so classy, the idea of getting her wet seemed a little thoughtless.

Fourth was Philip, who wore a black Speedo and showed muscle groupings that were so perfect that he looked a little fake. He probably was. His mommy was a very good surgeon.

Fifth was Fallcet, who was also wearing a black Speedo, except he didn’t look as good in his as Philip and it appeared to be the only thing on his mind.

Sixth was Scion. He wore black trunks that appeared to have been made for boxing and not swimming, but at least he hadn’t complained that he couldn’t come to the meeting because he had nothing to wear. Jenna favored him with a smile.

Seventh was Rennett. He was still in a wheelchair, but he came wearing a white linen shirt and a pair of Bermuda shorts with palm trees on them.

Eighth was Iker. He had been put on a diet intended to help him cope with more gravity than he was used to. His body would rebuild itself with the nutritional supplements he had been given (Jenna had done the same thing), but if he struggled for too long, he was getting his muscles replaced. As it was, he was a man cat and the idea of getting wet wasn’t high on his list of things to do, but he came in a wetsuit that had been outfitted with hardware to help him adjust. It was sort of like an exoskeleton.

Jenna was grateful she hadn’t had to wear a similar one when she had first arrived on Octavia Prime.

Jenna greeted them all with a smile on her face. “Welcome! Welcome!” She stood up. “Today, we’re doing something a little different.”

“Are we going underwater to visit Favel’s mansion?” Scion asked.

The smile on Jenna’s face fell. “Actually, no. Each of you is going to have a hipposyphis try to suck the crown off your head. If it comes off, you lose your seat and you go home.”

Everyone except Excelyn looked unhappy, expressions ranging from mildly uncomfortable to downright horrified.

“I’m sure you all saw the footage of me having my head almost sucked off on the beach when I first got here. It has lately come to my attention that none of you have had to endure the same trial.” Jenna planted her feet firmly on the stone floor. “Before we start writing treaties, I think we should see if we’re all authentic Octavian diplomats.”

At that moment, the giant hipposyphis tentacle rose from the ocean entrance in the floor. It was orange, mottled, angry-looking, and huge.

“We plan to skip the stare-down phase,” Jenna explained brightly. “I thought we would go in order of when we were crowned, but if anyone would like to go first, they’re welcome to volunteer.”

Excelyn stepped forward immediately. She was first on the list. Not to mention, she was an Octavian doctor and nothing about the current situation freaked her out. She pulled a pair of goggles over her eyes and said, “I’ll do it. I love this sort of thing. I’ve never seen a hipposyphis up close. This is an excellent opportunity.” She got on her hands and knees next to the water and put her face in the water to look at the Octavian.

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While her head was underwater, Fallcet stepped forward. “May I go back to my Palace? I left my facemask there. I want to see the hipposyphis as well. Can I run back and get it?”

Jenna gave him a look.

Ixy heard him and slammed all the doors hard. Then she laughed maniacally in Jenna’s ear.

Jenna tuned Ixy out and snarled at Fallcet, “This isn’t a nature tour, despite what Excelyn is doing right now. This is serious. And it is mandatory. I won’t make you go first, but there are only two ways out of this palace. Either you give me your crown back or you get tested.”

“But it’s a lifetime appointment,” he argued.

“It might not be if you can’t keep a crown on your head,” she said crisply. “I endured the test when the only Octavian I had seen was Favel. All of you have had plenty of experience here. You know what the Octavians are, who they are, what their planet is like, and you will do this right now.”

Fallcet took a step backward, toward Excelyn and the hole in the floor.

Jenna crossed her arms. “Do you think you can get past Firth?” she asked irately as she indicated the enormous tentacle filling the Mercury Palace. “He’s our hipposyphis today and he knows someone might try to run for it.”

“Jenna, please,” Fallcet said, his eyes enormous.

Suddenly, Jenna realized why he had been such a successful diplomat. His big brown eyes and his charm had always won that day, but not for her.

“Shut up. You’ll go after Excelyn.”

“Did someone say my name?” Excelyn asked as she pulled her head out from under the water.

“I did,” Jenna said, letting her rage chill a little. “Are you ready? We need to get on with this.”

Excelyn nodded and removed her goggles for fear of losing them or of confusing the hipposyphis into thinking that he had pulled her crown off her head when he had only removed her goggles.

“Remind Firth to be as gentle as he can be,” Jenna whispered to Ixy.

Excelyn stood next to the water entrance and the sucker came around her the same way it had around Jenna when she had done this. It was a lot less weird from where she was standing than it had been when she experienced it herself. Excelyn stood perfectly still and let the sucker close around her head and lift her.

When it was over, Excelyn smiled like a champ. “Nothing to it,” she said to the remaining diplomats. “Just hold still and let him do the work. It’s a piece of cake.”

“And I really have to go next?” Fallcet said, taking the position Excelyn had just vacated.

Jenna nodded. “May as well. You’re all doing this.”

Fallcet did everything he could to mimic Excelyn, but that didn’t keep his crown on. It came off easily. The hipposyphis pulled the crown under the waves and left Fallcet gasping in his place. He seemed surprised.

Jenna bit on the side of her thumb with no expression of surprise on her face. “Sit over there until we’re finished,” she said, showing no emotion.

Fallcet wandered over and let his back fall against the wall. In all that he had tried to do, he had failed. Jenna wondered what fate awaited him back at home with his AAMC family, but if a dead Octavian baby couldn’t trust him, how could she?

Celestina took his position without being asked. She got a few tips from Excelyn and when Firth’s enormous tentacle came out of the water, she was ready for her test.

Celestina did the test perfectly and Excelyn gave her a high five when she joined her on Jenna’s right hand.

Philip also did fine.

As far as Jenna was concerned, those test results had all been expected. It was the remaining three diplomats whose test results interested her most.

Scion stepped into position. He looked at Fallcet and then he looked at the crowd of diplomats who had passed the test. The dude looked like a mini mobster to Jenna, but he stood still and let the octopus suck on his head, tasting every hair on his head—including his goatee. His test was longer, like Firth was unconvinced of his worthiness and wanted to take his time, but Scion passed the test.

Jenna was thrilled. She gasped, put her hand to her mouth and almost cried when he finished, joining them triumphantly.

She gave him a fistbump. “That’s my buddy!” she sang noisily.

Celestina put her arm around Scion’s shoulders and pulled him into the group.

Rennett put his hands on his wheels and came toward Jenna. In doing so, he disregarded the electric controls and used his own strength to come forward. He didn’t go to the place where the others had proceeded with the test. Instead, he came all the way over to Jenna.

He clearly had something to say.

Jenna waited.

Then, he flicked his crown off and held it out to Jenna. “I never wanted to do this,” he said with a soft look in his eye. “I was ordered to come here and because I made so many mistakes in the past, I couldn’t argue with the orders I was given. But there’s no point in my taking this test. I haven’t been able to keep it on my head. It started falling off immediately after the ceremony.”

“Do you know why?” Jenna asked, not yet taking the crown from him.

He nodded. “I think Octavians are creepy. I’ve thought so all my life. I wouldn’t call it hostility, but it is disgust. I don’t want to be a diplomat. Somehow, the crown knows and it won’t stay on.”

Jenna closed her hand around Rennett’s with the crown between them. “Thank you for admitting it. Please return it to Firth, the Octavian behind you. I know he’s a hipposyphis and scary, but if you can at least do that much, it would mean a lot to me.” She let go of his hand and gave him an encouraging look.

Jenna glanced at Fallcet. He looked like he was considering snatching the black crown out of the old man’s hand, but something like common sense held him back.

It took a great deal of courage for Rennett to approach the disembodied tentacle, but Ixy helped by telling Firth to turn his tentacle upside down so that it became like a soft bowl and Rennett could merely drop the crown into it. Firth closed the single suction cup around the crown and the whole thing disappeared under the water.

Rennett wheeled himself over to Fallcet and sat next to him. “At least, you won’t be going home alone,” Rennett said with a wink.

“What? You think you’re leaving Octavia Prime with me? You can’t leave the planet. Your heart won’t withstand exiting the atmosphere. You’re stuck here.”

“Yes, I know,” Rennett said as he kept his lips a tight line. “I just meant that you will not be the only diplomat disgraced today. It will make you look better.”

Fallcet glared at him. “Like you could make anyone look better.”

Jenna turned her attention away from them. Iker heaved himself toward the place on the floor they’d all been using for the test.

“I’m sorry about this,” Jenna said consolingly. “If I didn’t have a good reason to do this now, today, I would have liked to give you more time to become accustomed to the planet’s gravity. As it stands, I don’t have any more time. Please excuse this massive intrusion.”

Iker flicked his whiskers at her in an unconcerned manner. “I’m a soldier. I can do this.”

“Very well,” she said, stepping back and giving Ixy the signal to invite Firth back up to the surface.

When the octopus suction cup touched Iker’s man cat head, it withdrew quickly.

“What happened?” Jenna asked Ixy.

“Nothing,” Ixy replied immediately. “His head is just gross to Firth. Don’t get the wrong idea. You’re all gross to Firth, but something about the way the man cat tastes is grossing our boy out. He’s just taking a moment to get a grip.”

“What’s the problem?” Iker asked Jenna since she’d been talking to Ixy through her earpiece.

“Uh… you don’t have a very good taste.”

“Sorry,” Iker said, smiling enough to show his fangs. “I didn’t know I was supposed to taste good for this event. It wasn’t in the invite.” Then he added under his breath. “I think I taste fine.”

Jenna covered her mouth on a laugh. Iker licked himself. He was a space cat and he licked himself. She was about to lose control of that laugh when Firth got a grip on himself and put his suction cup all the way around Iker’s head. He lifted the light cat off his feet. Jenna heard a snap.

She screamed. “What broke?” She couldn’t tell if it was bone or metal or what.

“I don’t know,” Ixy replied.

Excelyn and Philip stepped forward as Firth lowered Iker back to the ground. His crown was still on. Excelyn and Philip checked Iker’s body as he lay on the stone floor. Philip found the offending limb first.

“It’s his back,” the doctor said coolly. “His back brace broke.”

“Does that mean his back broke?” Jenna asked in alarm.

“Uh. Not at all,” Philip explained quickly. “He’s just being dramatic. He’s a cat, so his body is practically a liquid. He wouldn’t have any problem with the gravity here if he would stop being so stubborn.” Philip unhooked the exoskeleton and told Iker in a firm voice, “Stop trying to be a humanoid. Jenna will not look down on you for being exactly what you are. You passed the test, she’s going to think you’re a star.”

Iker turned his head slowly and gave Philip a dirty look. “Fine.” He jumped away from the scene on four feet and went to sit exactly like a lion statue next to Celestina and Scion.

He could choose whether or not to exist on two feet or four? Jenna hadn’t known that and she was struggling hard with not running over to pet him. However, Philip caught her elbow and gave her a ‘control yourself’ glare before letting go of her and joining Excelyn with everyone else.

Jenna took a second while she stood by the ocean entrance to survey her work.

At that exact moment, Firth snapped several tentacles around her body and pulled her underwater with one heartstopping grab.

***

Under the water, Jenna couldn’t tell what was happening. She opened her eyes, but she mostly just saw bubbles, tentacles, and the empty blue ocean. Her head was being clamped on in the way it had been when she’d had her first hipposyphis test, but she didn’t understand why that couldn’t have happened above water. She held her breath, but she was losing air quickly and her kicking and struggling wasn’t helping.

However, when she was on the very edge of drowning, she was lifted back above the water and placed gently on the spot where she had been taken.

Soaking wet, she spat out the water in her mouth, making an arched stream in the air like a very pathetic fountain.

“Okay,” she said, like nothing had happened. “Crimp and Celestina’s security team are going to escort Fallcet to a pod.” She turned to him. “You’ll be taken to the orbital station to await your luggage. From there, you can go anywhere you’d like. Thank you for offering to serve as a diplomat for the O/A Alliance. Your efforts have been most appreciated.”

“Jenna, there’s something on your head,” Celestina said, interrupting.

“Yes, I know. I have a crown on my head. Most of us have crowns on our heads.”

“No,” Celestina said, coming closer again. “Firth put something on your crown. It almost looks like a black jewel hanging from the big beak in your crown, but not quite.” She narrowed her eyes and looked at it more carefully. “What is that?”

Jenna put her hand on the top of her head and felt the curves of the black beak. She was careful not to cut herself as her fingers inched their way to the place Celestina mentioned. Yes, there was something there. It felt like a pearl. She jiggled her head and the thing made a small tinkling sound like a bell.

“That’s not going to get annoying,” Jenna said aloud. “Let’s just let that go for now. I’ll talk to Favel about it later. First, we have to say farewell to these two gentlemen, and then…”

Jenna’s brain went blank.

Really blank.

Her head hurt and without another bit of warning, her head became too heavy for her to hold it up. She fell with her cheek on the smooth stone of the Mercury Palace floor.

THE END

The story continues in Octavia Girl Vol. IV