Chapter Twenty Two

Smoothie Makes Drinks She Doesn’t Call Smoothies

Sardius stopped Jenna before she entered the kitchen. “Hold up. I have to tell you before you go in that Smoothie is not like your other servants.”

“How so?” Jenna asked suspiciously. She recalled him mentioning something about Smoothie not having toes.

He started his explanation. “Your other servants are very clearly Adamis, though not human the way you’re used to. Smoothie is a Sushfief, which means she is not actually Adamis, but her people managed to achieve a political alliance that had them categorized as such even though biologically, no, they’re not very human.”

“So you’re giving me a head’s up?”

“Exactly. I should have shown you a picture before I introduced you. Can I persuade you to go back to the bedroom so I can use your screen?”

“I’m starving and it can’t be that shocking. Just tell me what she’s like right now,” Jenna said, crossing her arms across her chest and leaning against the wall.

Sardius sucked in his breath. “It’s because her species resembles something on earth, so it might be extra hard for you to accept her… or easier for you to accept her.”

“She’s not a giant chicken, is she? ‘Cause that would be hard for me.”

“No. She’s a giant mushroom,” he admitted.

“A mushroom?” Jenna gaped. “That’s not weird. I mean, I have eaten a lot of mushrooms in my day and if she’s going to be cooking for me, then it is probably safe to assume I will not be eating any more of them, but mushrooms have a fairly pleasing shape. They’re not weird.” She turned to enter the kitchen.

“Wait!” Sardius tried to interject, but it was too late.

Jenna had already gone into the kitchen. She stood transfixed by what was in front of her. Smoothie was a mushroom. Jenna had been told that and yet Jenna didn’t know exactly what she had expected her mushroom chef to look like, but she had still not been prepared for an actual mushroom.

In the middle of the kitchen was a huge mushroom sitting on a large pink cushion. Smoothie was the color of mushroom mousse, a delightful creamy shade of off-white that made Jenna think of the broth of cream of mushroom soup. Smoothie had no arms and no legs as far as Jenna could see. The only thing about her that seemed different than an actual mushroom was two long slits on the dome of her head.

However, the sight of Smoothie’s body was not the most fascinating thing Jenna saw. Smoothie was cooking, but she was not touching anything. Around her flew ingredients. Some were being washed, others cooked, and finished dishes were being plated. Like a Zen master, she was at one with the flow of the universe, and the result was beautiful food.

Love what you're reading? Discover and support the author on the platform they originally published on.

“Are you sure you don’t want to return to your bedroom for the anatomy lesson?” Sardius offered.

“Tell me now,” Jenna said, refusing to retreat.

“She has no arms or legs. The slits you are seeing in her mantle are her eyes. Most of the time, she will only open them about an inch wide. They will appear to be black as very little light will reflect on her iris. Her eyes are enormous and make up sixty percent of her skull. It’s unusual that her species evolved to have such large eyes because it’s dangerous to have large eyes. Stuff can fly in them, they can get wounded easily, they accept too much light, and can give the shushfief unbearable headaches. It is very dark on her planet and very safe since peaceful shushfiefs control every object with their minds, so they evolved to have enormous eyes. Anyway, in a place like this, Smoothie would never open them fully, but leave them mostly closed as often as possible for her safety.”

Jenna nodded like an idiot and continued to watch the precise storm of kitchen knives flying.

“The fact that she never touches the food means that the way she cooks is about a million times more sanitary than other cooks. She is a prize and honestly, she is getting paid three times what your other servants are being paid.”

“What does she do with her wages?”

“The money? That’s her business. Be sensitive if you decide to ask her. The accordion-like folds under her dome act as a single ear that stretches all the way around her body. She doesn’t need to see everything that is happening around her, because she can hear as well as if she had no eyes at all. That’s not what every shushfief is like, it’s what she’s like because she’s a master chef. Her mouth is under her dome too, though it is difficult to see unless she deliberately wants to show you. I’ve watched a shushfief eat before and it’s baffling. It looks like they’re eating under a mask.”

Jenna nodded and moved to say hello.

“One more thing!” Sardius called out noisily. “Do not offend her. She’s a sweet creature and we are lucky to have her. Do not trouble her with dumb questions about how she goes to the bathroom or how she mates. You see those knives flying? She can double as a guard in a pinch, and what’s more… I like her.”

“You do?”

“Yes. She’s reasonable, ambitious, interested in the work we’re doing, and interesting to talk to. You’ll like her too. Don’t screw it up.”

“Okay,” Jenna said.

With that, Jenna took that final step to make Smoothie aware that she’d entered the room. The kitchen work did not stop, though Smoothie turned on her axis and pointed herself toward Jenna.

“Thank you for visiting the kitchen today, Mistress Jenna.” Though Jenna couldn’t see where the sound was coming from, Smoothie’s voice was gentle and controlled.

“Thank you for working so diligently, Chef Smoothie,” Jenna replied.

“Ask her what she’s making,” Sardius suggested.

“What is on the menu today?” she asked.

“Mushroom soup,” Smoothie answered.

Jenna balked. How could she answer? She wasn’t supposed to offend her. Was it a test?

Sardius’ voice came through her earpiece with a gusty laugh. “She’s joking, but don’t laugh. Think of something cute to say.”

“Will that be followed by roasted humans?” Jenna attempted to quip back after an uncomfortable pause.

Smoothie opened her eyes the promised inch, revealing two long lines of iris that eagerly inspected Jenna. “Good thing I also prepared a salad and sandwich with neither mushrooms... nor humans. Where would Madam Diplomat prefer to have her meal served?”

Sardius answered her over the loudspeaker that Jenna would like to stay in the kitchen and chat with Smoothie. Jenna took a bar seat by the counter and allowed her meal to be served to her there.