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I’d become a shut-in. Surely, you’ve suspected why I snapped.

This morning, I awakened sweating profusely. I shot upright on my soaked futon. The images of a horrific mask faded gradually from my mind to be replaced with a more comely face. Hers. Those eyes, always full of life now were vacant. A trail of blood leaked from pale lips.

“Reiko-chan!!!” I screamed, shaking my head to clear it as tears welled up. I rubbed my eyes. It was the same nightmare I’d experienced ever since. The creepy face I’d seen in this latest nightmare was new. I’d always seen bloodsoaked conjurations of how she might have appeared the moment she died. She was found splayed on the pavement of a street fronting a tall skyscraper. Forensics indicated she’d cast herself from this one. The police didn’t share any pictures with the media, though I was certain they must have taken many at the site.

When the sleep paralysis and my sobbing ebbed, I turned to examine my disheveled apartment. My eyes and head hurt. I felt thin, and couldn’t see clearly. Despite how I despaired, I still was in possession of a will to live.

If I don’t make it to work today, I’ll lose my job. I have to do this!

My eyes flashed to the alarm clock positioned behind my buckwheat pillow to mark the time. A small water glass sat near it on a dish, half empty. My alarm didn’t go off yet, but I woke earlier than I’d intended due to this nightmare. I slept far too long despite these sorts of dreams, and sometimes because of them. As I became conscious, I cried and rolled over to drift off once more. Sometimes it worked, but this time it was useless. Priorly, when I couldn’t sleep any longer, I’d do random things to try to distract myself. Depression is a heck of a thing. It can destroy your ambitions and sometimes you can barely function.

I’d lost all of these ‘ambitions’. My goal, like a sun at the end of its life cycle exploded and ceased to be, leaving only spent energy. Like a man was supposed to do, I wished only to care for the woman he loved. Losing my reason to live, what more could I reach for?

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I swung onto my knees on the futon and arched my back to ease stiffness, zoning out as I exhaled. “Ah..." It was closer to a yawn. If I could have stayed in bed, I would have, but my parents wouldn’t support me. They didn’t keep in touch with me; it was my theory that they were probably enjoying their lives without me around. I imagined they’d probably flown down to Okinawa, having fun on the beach. I could use some relaxation time, but there were more important things to do.

When I lived with my parents, I never needed anything. Life was simpler.

I was thankful my boss had not chosen to fire me for my absence. I called him yesterday to apologize for disappearing so suddenly and to tell him everything I knew. I wasn’t sure his understanding or acceptance of my condition would last, though. He’d sounded disappointed and annoyed with me. I didn’t answer any of his calls during my meltdown, nor did I answer anyone else’s.

That’s why I intended to wake earlier than I’d done for a while. I stared at the clock while pushing myself up onto my legs and bit my lip as images of her face, bloodied and haunting, pursued me. My legs were shaking under my weight. The flashback stole my willpower from me. I was terrified of another empty face which appeared first. It seemed to peer deeply into my soul.

I’d been completely alone for a full twenty years besides Reiko-chan and I’d decided I never would find love. My father and mother were painfully correct about me and my future. She was my last chance, but that wasn’t why I was sad. She simply completed my existence. Just the sight of her filled me with deep joy I’d never experienced in my life before. I’d be happy to see her again, even if she’d decided to half-kill me or emotionally trash me this day and every single one after. She’d always wanted to toughen me up both physically and mentally.

I thought about how I’d spent the last couple of months.

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I slumped against the door like a broken doll. I started moving eventually, recovering myself, but this didn’t mean I felt better. I tried again, starting by preparing a light meal. I ate, but promptly vomited. I drank a lot of water instead, waiting for my stomach to recover before I tried again. I nibbled on bread for a while. It stayed down better. I didn’t eat much more than this daily.

I was obsessed over Reiko-chan’s death, blaming everyone except myself for what happened to her. I daily conjured horrific scenarios of how he could have killed her.

Strangling her.

Stabbing her.

Drowning her...

No... he threw her off the roof of a skyscraper afterwards, otherwise the body wouldn’t have been so broken and ruined. Forensics testing concluded her body fell.

My imagination went wild. Every single one of those suppositions were groundless. I knew it. I felt bitter.

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