A tall, muscular blonde elf king paced the rainy wall of a white castle, with red rooftops. Peering over the edge of the city at his kingdom, he sighed angrily. His red and white robes blowy gently in the wind along with his golden locks. A shorter Elvin woman with a protruding belly approached him, darker blonde hair and similarly colored expensive robes.
“What troubles you, Hafth.” She asked.
“King Uldor has pressed me for the last time. I see no option but to prepare for war and march on Spirecrest.”
“What are you talking about?” she laughed nervously, her smile fading as she realized he was not joking. “You can’t declare war on Spirecrest, what has your brother done to anger you this time?”
“Half brother. I remind you of that, and father’s betrayal. Betrayal runs in his veins, and the only reason I call him brother is to keep the peace, and yet he broke that peace. He sent The Quake to my village and destroyed it. Thalebrook is in ruins.”
“Why would he do that? He knows that would be an act of war.”
“Because there was a rumor of a prophecy to destroy the Elves, you know the peasants have their stories. Someone spread the rumor that the sword of the sky god was stolen.”
“The sword is missing?” she gasped.
“I am not sure. There are those who claim it was taken, those who say it was returned, and those who say it was traded for a more powerful one. But the Quake is dead. King Uldor no longer has his faithful pet. The fool lost his greatest weapon over a rumor, and now he is vulnerable. He killed 600 men in Thalebrook, including the old king, and his nephew Borren. His grandson is missing. The town is beyond repair and I have not the gold to spare to rebuild it. So in a way, I should both thank him for weakening the town as they now seek refuge in Dravenguard, yet I should kill him for attacking my town.”
“Can you not negotiate with him?”
“Show my other brothers that I am weak for letting him attack my land, my peasants? No. He will pay with blood.”
“Should we…send the Rose of the Desert to do this honor?”
“No, he has fortified his defenses with ballista and warning towers. I will not lose the Rose of Dravenguard as he has lost his dragon, making myself and us weak as well. His castle is high, but his city walls are weak and Spirecrest without their dragon is simply there to be claimed, by one army or another. If I fail to act on this insult immediately, Ulferling may very well seize the opportunity and control the entire north. He is the eldest of my brothers, he always coveted the northern lands. If I do nothing, he will take me for a weakling, and take the city himself. Azure is a formidable beast, and his army is stout, he will control the north.”
“If he does, you shall align with your younger brother. He cannot take what is ours.” She insisted.
“With all the north woods and two kingdoms, he may. You know my younger brother makes a poor ally. He answers to his witch, and she knows only chaos. I will defend my honor and my land around Thalebrook, place his head on a pike, and have the land from south coast to northern mountains under my control. Dear wife, this is not something to fear, this is something to celebrate. His attack was weak, and Ulferling in his old ways will not march on Spirecrest if my army is already moving to it. He will not only respect that I have cleansed the family of half-blood heresy, claimed my vengeance, but to attack my army to claim what is rightfully MY vengeance? No, dear wife, Old Ulferling would not dare. Our rivalry is a respected one, and I need only take action swiftly. My bastard half brother stole 600 peasants from me, and he gave me a kingdom in return. I need only take it. He is a fool, and I am glad his foolishness finally fell in my favor. This land only needs 3 Kingdoms, and mine will be the grandest of them. The gilded shores of Spirecrest are our rich payment for his stupidity.”
“It was foolish to lose something as precious as a dragon over something like a rumor.” she sighed.
“And the rumor has been extinguished. Because whether they bring me the sword or not, I will silence any rumors. The sword is mine, so say the king and so shall it be truth, and liars defying the king, hang. So dear wife, fetch my finest blacksmith. He will make me a sword worthy of display, and stolen or not, a sword will be displayed. The Rose is old and wise. No sword can touch her, and the bow remains with the Goblins. We have nothing to fear but hesitation. Be at peace, my love. Our son will be born into a kingdom with two strongholds and more land than any King, Elf or otherwise.” Hafth proudly smiled. “So in the morning… We march on Spirecrest.”
Thaddeus silently rode in the cool morning air, Nicole to his left, trying not to awkwardly stare.
“So…how are things?” she smiled.
“My family is dead, and my village destroyed.”
“Yep, dumb question. That was supposed to be small talk. It’s rude to blurt things, apparently. Probably less rude than reminding you of the…events of… So I’m curious. Your village and the Goblin village are owned by rival kings, so why did they come to Thalebrook’s aid?”
“We have always been on good terms. Our people, and all people, were once more friendly, trading, mingling, assisting one other. It wasn’t until The Elven rise that the villages were forced to segregate and act as rivals. The goblins have always been defiant of their masters, as well as my father. He…frequented Thievenbridge often, which they seemed to love.”
“He just had friends there or was there a mutual trade?” she asked.
“There was a long-standing mutual trade. He would provide iron and gold, which Thievenbridge highly values, and they provided him harlots, which he highly valued.”
“Oh…well that’s awkward.”
“My grandfather actually approved. Having an ally that made the finest bows and wine in the land was not a bad thing, and he was generous and well-loved by the goblin whorehouses. One of their richest and most polite customers, they said.” He smiled with mild annoyance and equally mild humor. Nicole squinted at his appearance, the emerald green eyes, the olive skin, the slightly pointed ears and the boyish facial features making him almost appear younger than he was.
“So you, uh… Like, there was a Queen I assume, that maybe had feelings about him?”
“My father didn’t marry. He always said his job was defending, not settling down. Thalebrook was his family, he said. When he died from the winter sickness, passed the sword to grandfather, a goblin woman approached grandfather at the burial. She left a child at the castle, saying that he belonged in Thalebrook. That child was me.”
“So you’re half goblin.” She nodded.
“Of course not a legitimate heir and rather questionable, Borren was the clear choice to represent the town and wield the sword. Unfortunately, we all know how he turned out, and my grandfather slowly realized that maybe the rules should be bent to give it to me. So he said to me, Thaddeus, Borren is a fool and a drunk. He will get himself killed before I am old and gone, and the sword will be yours. Prepare for this. Train, pray, make offerings and remain pure in heart and strong of body. We all knew one day he would anger someone over a woman and get himself killed. None of us thought the woman would be the one to kill him, but thus is life and irony.”
“Did I…” she paused. “Kill him?”
“No. The blow to the head was merely one of many injuries. Grandfather said he stopped breathing. Your hearty friend, Dee, broke several ribs in their fight. She is a very skilled fighter.” He said respectfully.
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“Actually, no, she doesn’t have any skill. She’s just built tougher. Gizzy made her tough…like literally, she built her with tough materials. Same stuff she’s made out of. Fire-resistant synthetics and metal. Apparently the stuff her god form is made of won’t go through the gates to this world, so believe it or not…this is her piddly weaker form.”
Gizzy looked back, noticing everyone lagging, remembering how mortals get tired easily.
“They need a little rest after that.” Dee whispered to her, “We have a house, let’s use it and start fresh. No interruptions and dragons this time. Full night’s sleep. I’m not asking.” She said, looking serious.”
“I like how you’re taking charge. Okay, let’s call it a night.” Gizzy said.
Nicole and Vinn rode side by side, leaned over and noses touching.
“I love youuuuu.” She said in a goofy tone.
“I love you more.” He smiled back.
“Knock it off, you cheesy dickheads.” Gizzy barked, slowing down to pop up the house for the night. “Save the high school romance for when you have a room. Which will be in about 3 minutes.” She said hopping down with the lunchbox, making sure to extend the legs out fully and get the right height.
“Shit…this is a problem.” Gizzy muttered.
“What’s the problem?” Nicole asked, standing cross-armed, a foot lower beside her.
“This entire area is a downgrade. It’s almost a 1 in 4 slant. I thought there would be flatter ground.”
“Doesn’t it just delete material and self level?” Nicole asked.
“Yes, but it doesn’t fill in the gaps. If I pop it up with the legs out, the foundation is gonna be like 6 feet off the ground on one side, and 4 feet underground on the other side. It’s just gonna tip. If I put the thing flat down, we probably won’t tip, but then we’re still 6 feet underground on the back side and 4 feet off the ground on the front.”
“So we go lower.” Nicole said.
“We can’t go lower than flat on the grass, you wanna dig a 6-foot deep hole and put the lunchbox in the hole?”
“Can't we just walk further down the hill?”
“Nicole…it’s not the elevation that’s the issue, this references off the center. It’s about the same slope all the way down the frigging hillside down to the river, and we don’t wanna straddle the river and essentially live inside a covered bridge.”
“We seriously have to dig a 6-foot deep hole to put the house in?”
“If we want there to be dirt under it when the foundation forms, maybe.”
“Do we even have shovels?”
“Yea…in the…workshop, ground-floor of the home that’s not…out yet.” Gizzy pondered. “But we’re still basically turning the ground floor into a basement that will flood in the rain."
“So what happens if the house tips a little? Like hypothetically.”
“Well, it’s too heavy to slide on dry ground...I think, but the house will be crooked as shit.”
“I mean… I lived in a place that was kinda crooked.” she shrugged
“We’re talking about roughly a 22-degree angle here. That’s not slightly uneven, that’s your house is falling over. Just going up the stairs would be a climbing wall.”
“I really don’t wanna sleep on a blow up sleeping bag on a 22 degree hill.”
“Then we keep riding and find flatter ground.” Gizzy shrugged.
“So hypothetically, and just hear me out…so what if we ARE straddling a river. It’s a small river, it’s more like a creek, that could be kinda cool. You’d have level corners.”
“So you wanna just stand in the water and hold the legs over your head and hope a 50 ton house materializing over you doesn’t sink and pancake your ass, or just throw the house over a river and hope it pops up exactly level right in the middle before falling in? Because you have to actually have the lunchbox hovering above the water to have the foundation square be touching grass on the sides.”
“Fuuuck. This just seems like a badly planned design. Like we HAVE to have flat ground to make this work?”
“Not perfectly, there’s a good margin of error, but not ten feet of elevation difference over the home’s footprint. This hillside sucks, and it goes on sucking for as far as I can see, which is about twice as far as you can see, and the men are basically blind at night.”
“What about that big rock? It can't tip if it’s got that big rock in front of it. I’m tired. Okay, I fought a dragon on 3 hours of sleep, I’ve been riding horses for hours, it’s like 2am, there’s no lights of any towns anywhere. I need a bed. We all do.”
“Okay we try big rock but if this goes horribly wrong I will explain how you basically designed the plan and annoyed me till I gave in."
Gizzy sat on the edge of the concrete foundation, dangling her legs off the 9-foot drop, down to the grass, looking to her left at the big rock, now missing a perfectly squared-off slice. She sighed, sipping her beer and placing down her beer mug, staring into the dark as it tipped over and rolled away, silently sailing into the grass and down the hillside. An annoyed look on her face slightly increased as footsteps approached and stumbled.
“Shit, almost tripped.” Dee said, sitting down awkwardly beside her. “Hey, it’s better than nothing. The house is great. Sure it’s a little angled, the books under the bed corners really helps.”
“Should have made it spawn in some support columns or something.”
“We were rushed for time. We’ll get a better spot next time. Stop brooding. Come on inside. We’ll take a bath together.”
“Tub’s only gonna fill about halfway, and we’ll keep rolling over.”
“Well, I would say we should just cuddle by the fireplace, but…the logs rolled out already. You wanna just try and get some sleep? We could also just try crooked room sex?”
“No, the bed will just slide off the books and crash into something. I don’t wanna ruin the flooring. It's got nice flooring. You realize how easy it’s gonna be to track us if we leave a 40-foot cutout in the hillside every night. That’s probably just literal connect-the-dots for a dragon flying high altitude. Just a dotted line leading to us. Be easy to flip the house over too, it’s got like 20 percent of the foundation over air.”
“You worry too much. The dragon is dead, nobody is even tracking us. We’ll find better spots from now on. We’re lucky for that big rock.”
“I mean, it did still sink like 2 feet.”
“Well… you know we got extra mugs.” She shrugged.”
“You know the horses can’t even get to the stables, they’re just sleeping under the floating foundation. That rock breaks and goes, those horses are fucked. Nicole will never emotionally recover from that shit. I can’t keep memory-coning everyone every time they witness a tragedy, the brain damage eventually adds up, and you start boiling poptarts for no reason.”
“It’s not going anywhere. You’re just stressed and well, I would say too sober, but your mug ran away, and I don’t want you wobbling any more than the rest of us. Come to bed. Get some sleep, run diagnostic with me. We’ll have some holographic sex, watch a movie, and in the morning when we’re all fresh and perky, we can pack up the house and ride somewhere flatter and better. Or get a room at some in inn.”
“You think they charge more, or give you a discount if you bring your own house with you?”
“I’d just not mention it and pay the full standard rate. Hey…it’s gonna be fine. We’ll be in a populated town soon. It’s probably got stuff to do.” Dee shrugged.
“It’s called Thievenbridge, what are the odds none of us get robbed by goblins? Or gobbed by Robblins. Half our time will be spent tying things to our belts and being on the lookout for robblins.”
“No excuses. Bed, neural link, cloud based virtual sex, and a movie. That’s an order.” Dee said, playfully stern.”
“Fine. But I get to pick the sex scenery. No arguing.”
“Throne-room…it’s always throne-room.”
“Throne-room sex is the best kinda sex, aside from real throne room sex. I can’t help it if the classic are classics for a reason.” She said, standing up and wobbling to the door to follow her to the slightly sloped ladder.
Morning arose, as Nicole peered out the window at the rolling hills, nostalgia in her eyes. Vinn held her from behind, nuzzling his chin on her head and rocking slightly.
“You seem entranced.” He said.
“Just reminds me of Earth so much. You live on an alien world so long you forget how alien it is until you see something like home. If you didn’t know any better, you could easily mistake this for Earth looking out this window. Maybe all those low budget scifi shows were right.”
“Is that a frigging giraffe?” he squinted.
“Well, like a slightly weird earth, but still. It feels like home, giraffe-like alien wildlife roaming or not. You’d love it there. No dragons, no warring villages, no chaos gods, no arena death fights.”
“You realize I’d be caged by the government and experimented on immediately, right?” Vinn noted.
“Well yea, there’s that. But…if you ignore the glaring problems, it’s really nice in theory. Are we gonna fuck up this mission and just ruin the lives of thousands of people?”
“No…of course not. We’re gonna halfway fuck up the mission, and ultimately make the world better for the vast majority, excluding the small number of people we directly involve who probably get killed along the way. But they’d be dead anyway if we didn’t show up so, I guess some shit's just not fixable. We gotta learn to be happy with like 80 percent success. That’s still a B, well over a passing score. You can’t be super mad about that.” Vinn shrugged.
“I just hope we don’t start a war or anything.”
“Nah, nobody’s gonna go to war.” Vinn scoffed. "Not any war they weren't already in."
The War army of Dravenguard poured from the gates like ants from a colony. The white walls funneled them through the large stone gates and through the oasis of green bordering most of the city, and into the white desert sand, tiny dots of white and copper armor, each with a red rose painted on their helmet and shield, banners with the same rose, rising from flames and fully armored camels moved in steady unison, as Hafth lead the way. His golden hair fluttered in the breeze from under his helmet as he peered at the distant mountains and a flying red dragon swooped overhead and forward, looping back and reversing the breeze. Destiny and glory gleamed in his eyes as he led the troops to battle.
“Return…guard the city.” He whispered, his eyes gleaming red as the dragon obeyed and landed and perched on the castle gate, wings outstretched and letting out a mighty roar as the troops cheered.
“Ride steady and with confidence, men. For we are in no hurry to victory. We march for vengeance and glory to claim the Gilded Shores as penance for its bastard King’s final insult. The god of chaos favors us, and soon, our second kingdom city as well!” Hafth roared, the men cheering and waving swords in joined