“Ugh, that sucks…is it gonna be fucked up?” Dee asked as Gizzy inspected the lunchbox.

“Yea probably. It fell 80 feet into a rocky creek. Don’t be shocked if shit is broken when we summon the house next time.”

“Damnit. We never even got to use the bathtub. Good thing neither of us sweat.” She sighed.

“Well, we might need a place to…hate the wording of this…crash for the night.”

“So you’re actually gods…like the one that is supposed to rise and purify the land of peasants and anything non elf?”

“No, not like him. Totally different gods, we hunt and kill his kind, but honestly they are a pain in the ass to bring down, so we’d really prefer to just keep him dead. These prophesies are all different. But he’s not going to kill everyone that’s not elf. He’s going to kill everyone…in general. Man, elf, goblin, dragon, wildlife, geese. Everything. These gods are bad shit. Even we don’t wanna go head-to-head with them. We've team up on them and still get our asses kicked most of the time. I’ve actually died fighting them like…at least…3 times?” She asked as Dee nodded.

“There’s 5 of you gods, and you can’t fight one of him?” asked Willow.

“Oh we’re not all gods. Silverback is just an old horny guy, Vinn and Nicole are kinda like…semi-mortal demigods? Just me and Dee are the tanks. And no, we can’t kick his ass. I don’t even have a plan at this point. I kinda just thought we’d steal the items and destroy them, we didn’t know suped-up dragons would be involved, or politics, honestly we should have brought better weapons, we were hoping to blend in and be done quick…that didn’t work out. DAMN, I should have made soul arrows. Why didn’t I bring like a 9,000 pound draw crossbow with soul arrow-FUCK doesn’t matter, it’s too late now. This bow of yours works really well too. You know this world better than we do. What’s the best way to get the shield and robe without leaving the towns bent-over and pre-buttered, and how do we get a dragon’s attention?”

“Well, taking the items would get their attention for sure, but at the same cost as Thalebrook.”

“Satyr and Dwarves…how dumb we talking? Dumb enough to trade a magic shield for a magic axe?”

“Actually, maybe. The weapons are more coveted than the shield and the robes. It’s really a matter of bartering when it comes to Dwarves, and they do love their axes. The Satyr are skeptic, and they don’t believe in prophesy. You won’t convince them unless you make a scene, and then word may get out the robe is missing.

“Nicole…you got two robes don’t you?”

“Yea, but I’m keeping the pink one.” She insisted.

“No shit, I think the Satyr might prefer the black one over the pink anyway. Maybe we could swap that out. You could do some staff shielding and sell that idea.”

“I don’t suppose you have a better bow for me?” asked Willow. “Just because you’re gods doesn’t mean I wanna give up the bow that keeps my town safe, so unless Dee wants to stay here and wield it, we have a problem right here.”

“Shit. Yea, I can’t promise nobody will find out it’s missing or that you’ll be safe after we leave. We can’t defend a town we’re a hundred miles away from. I have a question. Who would wield the bow if we unbound it from Dee and left it here?”

“I suppose I would. I don’t want to, but if war is on the horizon, and we’re a target, I’ll just have to.” Willow shrugged.

“How good are you with a bow?”

“I’m not terrible, I’m not legendary either. Competent.”

“Would you prefer a crossbow that fires rapidly and lets you see your target closer than your eye, just put the dot on the enemy and pull the trigger?” Gizzy asked.

“You got a magic crossbow you forgot about?”

“No, I got a really good crossbow, and I could get some magic arrows for it. Faster follow-up shots, quieter, no soul binding, it doesn’t summon evil to the user, and you could practice all you want with regular arrows and get your aim down. Keep yourself sharp and ready. I could even make it impossible to steal and work only for you. How does that sound?”

“Is it more powerful than the chaos bow?”

“Nope…wouldn’t do shit to a chaos god. Fuck up a dragon though, put a hole in a stone wall, intimidate the hell out of people. What do you need to kill with it? I got news for you honey, if the chaos god rises and goes after the town, you're all dicked regardless.”

“That’s a good point. I don’t feel like fighting a god even with that bow, and I don’t like being soul-bound to anything that people would kill me for.”

“Plus my shit folds up. The deployment alone is really cool.” Gizzy said, flipping out the bow and refolding it.

Gizzy and Nicole walked down the stairs to their horses, Nicole looking like she had an opinion to blurt.

“So….where do we get magic arrows and all that fancy crapola?”

“Silverback sucks with a sword anyway, so we just rob the security tazer from his sword. We got high explosives and armor piercing arrows with alien alloy tips, we just rig up a trigger safety on one of the switchbows, make some boom-arrows, slap some fancy LED lighting from the fake fireplace, BAM, magic crossbow. It just runs out of ammo eventually and becomes…just a really fancy crossbow. Plan baffle-with-bullshit is back on, like it never event went to hell to begin with.”

“Except 600 people dead and a town destroyed and we started a war.”

“That’ll all settle out eventually. You know how fast humans breed?”

“I am one.”

“Yea but like…ones not married to a furry alien incapable of impregnating a human. You know how fast THOSE humans can breed. They got this.”

“How do you just, shrug off mass murder like that?” Nicole sighed.

“Well I’m insanely old and lived through like 500 human generations. Think of them like…hamsters.”

“Okay, then what?” she asked.

“That’s it. You’re done. Think of them like hamsters. Those little shits live like 2 years max and die from absolutely nothing. After you own like 5 of them, you stop expecting them to live longer than 6 months.”

“Yea that’s helpful. I love hamsters. They are stupid and adorable and I love them. I cry when hamsters die. I literally married a giant furry critter.”

“Well…I dunno give it like 10,000 more years. Maybe you won’t like hamsters anymore.”

“That kinda makes sense. It’s useless and doesn’t help me, but it makes sense.” Nicole nodded with annoyance.

“Hey!” Hollered Willow. “If you guys want to make some magic, this isn't the place. Follow me.” She said, waving them on.

Vinn and Silverback waited in the bar, enjoying the premature nightlife as the night began to approach. Dee, Gizzy and Nicole followed Willow outside, up to the top of the village. From a certain angle, the hidden creek and ravine now fully behind the tightly packed homes and businesses, one could forget it wasn’t a normal village. No walls, no gates, no soldiers. Just a simple river running the ten-foot-high banks where mossy foundation stones faded to old walnut wooden beams and white daub walls. The smoke and steam of industry wafting behind the row of resident homes and in front of a high cliff face where an old castle stood. They tread the cobble and dirt path winding up the grassy hill to the towering battlement looming over the town, the gray and white stone domed over with red and brown fall leaves and grass draping over the cliffs holding on for life. The sun cast an amber glow behind dark rain clouds as thunder rolled in the distance, like a gentle warning of the rain.

Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Gizzy and Dee followed behind, giving Nicole and Willow some space.

“Wow.” Dee whispered. “This castle kinda sucks. It’s kinda returned to nature, if you know what I mean.”

“Noticing a pattern in the smaller towns, castles battle worn and aged to shit. Mossy, overgrown. Looks like something that once stood proudly and had enough people to keep it pristine, now nobody cares, and the towns are just big enough to sustain themselves, let alone a castle. It’s not a bustling fort, it’s an emergency bunker at best.”

“So why the castle?” asked Nicole as Willow lead the way to the open doors, frozen about 20 percent open and rusted solid at the hinges.

“I live here.” She said.

“I thought you lived at the um..." Nicole strategically pondered.

“Whorehouse.”

“Yea that. Wasn’t sure of the polite term.”

“Look, I’m a curious creature. I make money by day, I make magic by night, I own the house, and I kinda just…claimed part of the castle. It’s big enough for hundreds, but only a few homeless squatters stay here for shelter, there’s no real ownership. We haven’t had a king in decades. In Thievenbridge, you find something, you claim it, you put a lock on it, and it’s yours. Most people want to stay safely near the population, those who can’t afford it, stay in the caves. The castle is just a park with hiding places for teenagers in love and young men hiding home brew and what little gold they stole. I claimed a tower because, frankly, I needed a place far enough away to not be bothered or intruded.” She said unlocking a big bronze lock and kicking the creaky door open.

Vinn wandered from the town, the mist of light rain on his head as he spotted young Thaddeus playing a stringed instrument and Silverback standing guard, practicing his arrow skills.

“Not bad, figured you’d be enjoying the nightlife.

“Had my fill of beer and women.” Silverback grumbled.

“You brought beer with you.”

“Well I had my fill of crowded bars and women.” He said, looking slightly sad.

“What’s the deal bro?” Vinn asked. “You seemed stoked for a buffet of green tits, and now you just seem…depressed."

“I…couldn’t go through with it.” he sighed.

“Awe, shit dawg. You know they got meds for that and free healthcare on Delmar is pretty good.” Vinn noted.

“No, Damnit. I don’t mean I couldn’t rise to the occasion, my heart just wasn’t in it. I lost interest. Can’t clear my head. The flesh is willing and strong but the heart is...confused.”

“Why do I have a really problematic theory as to why you’re twisted up in the game and not on your usual hound-doggin to prove you’re still young?”

“Sure love the way you worded that, Vinn. Truthfully you’re probably on the right track. I can’t stop thinking about Dee.”

“Shit, bro. Like you can't stop remembering YOUR ex, who I remind you wasn’t the best to or for you…or do you mean you can't stop thinking about the one we brought?”

“Both. Tried to convince myself it’s like dating a twin, but it’s not. She doesn't just look the same, she has the same body language, same smile, same swagger, talks the same, except not down to me. Vinn she’s the one that got away, except perfected. She’s young at heart but mature in a weird alien way, older than me, she’s caring and friendly, and she doesn’t care about material shit.”

“Bro, she IS material shit. She’s literally made of hardware…that Gizzy custom-built. Like…for her girlfriend, which she is. You picked the one person who’s dating your boss, who has probably eaten people over shit like this before.”

“I picked? I don’t remember selecting this, or my feelings. I thought I was over Dee. I was. I wouldn’t take her back if she begged, she treated my like shit and I deserve better. The problem is I put up with her so long because she’s gorgeous. I’m not proud of that, but it’s true. I put up with her terrible habits because she was attractive and tolerated me. Now someone exactly as attractive who treats me like a person is hanging around me, showing me what I could have had if Dee wasn’t so selfish and immature. I could handle my feelings if she was the same Dee, indifferent, disrespectful, I’m over those feelings. I didn’t realize I’d have brand-new ones." Silverback sighed, staring at the moon.

“You, cannot tell Gizzy, or even Dee.”

“I have to tell Dee, because if I don’t, she won't stop being so damn flirty.”

“That’s just how she is, probably some of her base programming to be flirty. Either because of organic Dee or because she was a sexbot. She’s not interested in you, she’s just like that…perky.”

“Exactly. If she knows being nice to me is confusing my old heart and why, maybe she’ll be a little more like the old Dee…you know…not friendly. I’d prefer that. If she acted more like the bitch I left I wouldn’t have that weird feeling that in some reality it could have been better.”

“So you wanna explain to Gizzy’s girlfriend, behind Gizzy’s back, that she has to be shittier to you, because you got weird feelings for the chick she was modeled after. So that you won’t do something stupid?” Vinn squinted.

“Exactly. I feel like she will understand and maybe stop being so damn likeable, asking me what’s wrong and caring. When you do it, it’s just two bros giving a shit, but if you looked like that and we had history.”

“I get it, you don’t have to make it weirder. You do realize confessing your horny vibes to Gizzy’s girlfriend, behind her back, is exactly the shit that gets you buried in Ye Olde nowhere and nobody finds the body.”

“I feel like Gizzy would respect my honesty and proactive prevention, more than hiding my feelings secretly and letting her flirt and make it worse. You think Gizzy isn’t aware that someone who looks just like the woman I dated for over a year entirely for her looks might be appealing to me? She knows. I don’t think Dee realizes it.”

Yea I don’t…totally agree that this is a good idea. I think just burying the emotions way down deep and never mentioning them might be safer for you. Toxic and internally painful but probably less than, you know…slow death, for example.”

“I’m gonna talk to her.” Silverback said, staring at the boats on the river, drifting by moonlight.

“My official advice is that you don’t. But I guess if she murders you…the other you that never came here won’t have ever met the roboDee, so he’s probably safe. More of a memory wipe than death, but I feel like she’s gonna make it feel like actual death.

“Son…you’re young and in love. You got your gal. I lost mine. I lost mine a long time ago, and never found another one. Dee was a bitch, but I did love that bitch for a while. I don’t have much. You know my plan was just to stay here and not go back? Just stay in simpler times, travel, manwhore around and drink and see the world, probably die alone flirting with someone’s woman. You get to an age where you just don’t care anymore, and you can’t bottle things up that you don’t plan to pour into a mug at some point.”

“You’re trying to get killed?”

“Hell no. I wanna live as long as I can, just without things eating at me.”

“Is that why you got in a fight with a guy twice your size on day 1? Trying to impress the barmaid or impress the one we brought with us?”

“Little of both. Part of me wanted to feel young again, take my chances with the local gal. I think some part of me wanted to show at least some Dee that I was worth a damn. One that would notice it. She got shot in the back over it. I went from protecting a woman that didn’t notice or care, to one that noticed and cared enough to go defend my honor. That hit me, right in the ol ticker.”

“Probably about where Gizzy is gonna hit you…with an arrow.”

“Gotta die some day.”

“Just sober up before doing anything. We kinda like you alive and stuff. It’s gonna be a real drag on the adventure if our team leader kills the other team leader and then Dee has to mope around like she caused it.”

Dee sat moping around, dangling her feet off the wall of the castle, as Gizzy sat down next to her.

“You know the rain is only outside. If you come inside, there wouldn’t be any.” Gizzy sarcastically explained.

“I like the rain. Feels the way I do inside, out here in the rain.”

“That’s called depression. Why do you have that?” she asked.

“I don’t know how to explain it. You ever just see someone hurting and then hurt?”

“Empathy. I never touch the stuff. Look, we’ve caused a lot of chaos here, but we’re here to stop more of it. No matter how bad we fuck this place up, if it survives, then it will recover. It’s better than if we didn’t come here at all and let it all die.”

“No…not that. Actually I wasn’t thinking about that until now, and now that’s bothering me a little, but I mean Nathan.”

“He’s doing great. This is his element, he’s probably banging goblin hookers as we speak, having the time of his life, reliving his youth and nostalgic days. He’s not hurting. Yea he lost a little hit of pride with the fight, but he’ll get over that. Half the people who saw him get his ass kicked are dead now so…that’s a plus. Fewer witnesses.”

“You don’t see it? When I talk to him, when you kiss me in front of him, that little way he stares at the ground like he’s remembering something? I’m causing him pain just being here.”

“No you’re not. Don’t you dare feel guilty of something you didn’t do. He just misses his ex, and you remind him of her. That’s not your fault or burden. He’ll get over her with time, he’ll see that you’re not her, just like I did, which I admit took an embarrassingly long time to get through my head. I’m stubborn and he’s a survivor. Just hang out with him, be yourself, don’t overthink it. He’ll figure out that you’re a different person, and as he does, he’ll stop having that depressing flackback shit. Just don’t act like her. Be you. Be funny and nice and smart in a weirdly naïve way. Call him Nathan. Dee always called him Silverback. Just make him see that you’re not her, he’ll look past the visuals in time, and adjust and get over it. Just be the opposite of Dee…friendly, warm, caring. Not a bitchy-ass pornstar.”

“You’re right. I look like the one who got away, and I’m not her, I just resemble her. The more me I am, the sooner he’ll adapt to that. I should have worn more clothing, hu?”

“Yea dressing revealing may have not been the best idea, but I didn’t say anything because I don’t wanna control you, and also I like seeing you in less clothing so that works great for us. Probably not helping Nathan, now that we mention it. Okay, so cover more skin, never thought I'd say that. Be a friend, spend some time with him. Easy. Now get out of the damn rain, it’s not safe.”

“I can’t catch a cold.”

“We’re the highest points on a castle way during a thunderstorm and we’re like 60 percent metal. You wanna catch a lightning? It hurts.”

“Yea so let’s go inside, it’s raining out there, ugh, who needs that?” she scoffed, briskly walking her way inside.