The gang stood on the hillside, gazing down at a rather beautiful sunny cove, from their earlier position of dismal and menacing. Steep hills of green sloped down the mountain, red clay roofs and pale sand colored painted brick grew from the grass and hillsides, gardens and overgrown greenery reaching up the walls. From the rocky mountain cave flowed a roaring river branching out and forming waterfalls and crooked creeks that merged and curved its way to lake Dyre, still out of sight from the radically changing elevation and hills.
“It’s like being back in the Shire.” Nicole said in a broken Tolkien accent. “Really, nobody?”
“I got it.” Vinn nodded. The horses passed a herd of sheep and some tranquil flute music. They looked at each other oddly, for the source, expecting Nicole to have produced a flute from thin air just for ambiance. From the tall grass walked a young woman playing her flute as the sheep corralled. She noticed the travelers and hesitantly approached them, carrying a large walking stick.
“Hello?” she asked.
“Oh my god… I LOVE your ears!” Nicole gasped. “You’re a satyr.”
“Aye, have you never met one before?” she asked.
“We’re from a very…very long ways away.” Nicole said as she timidly stared at Vinn.
“Is he…a giant dwarf?” asked the young lady.
“No, that’s my husband. He’s…well, you would know what a Delmarian is, but he’s half that and half human. Actually we’re all part human, part something different, aren’t we?” she asked, almost rhetorically, not realizing it until now.
“Are you here for the festival?” she asked as Silverback took lead. “We’re here to put a stop to Elf rule and end forced submission. We're dragon slayers.” He boasted proudly. The girl smirked as if he told a joke.
“Are you bards, telling stories for gold and fun?”
“No, we’re the real deal. We’re the reason the armies are all gathering. We’ve taken down one dragon and one king so far, defended a village.”
“Well…” Gizzy rolled her eyes. “Defended most of a village. We showed up a little later than intended.”
“My father says if we are fortunate, the elves will kill one another fighting over silly things and greed, and leave the land to the people by mistake.”
“We’re pushing that mistake.” Gizzy said. “Making sure it happens and finishing off what doesn’t wanna stay down.”
“Then you really have killed a dragon. One of the cursed ones…and a king?” she asked.
“King…shit, what was his name?” Gizzy asked. “Festivus, Fable?”
“Faeryn?” asked the girl skeptically. “His dragon rides still.”
“Yea, about that.” Silverback said, rubbing his chin. “Turns out you can kill the rider and the dragon doesn’t die like it’s supposed to. I shot him down myself. And then Gizzy…made extra sure he was dead. Dragon didn’t seem to give half a shit, frankly. Flew right off.” He shrugged. The girl giggled.
“Then you did not kill a king, you killed a rider of the king. Come, my father would love to meet you. Anyone brave enough to hunt dragons and Elf kings is a friend in Dyrecove.” She said, leading them along.
“Actually, give us a minute.” Vinn insisted, motioning the group further back.
“What’s up, something off?” Gizzy asked. He bugged his eyes out in obvious gesture.
“Elephant in the room here. Chick’s like half goat.”
“Satyr.” Nicole whispered. “They’re not humans that fucked some goats, Vinn. They’re mythical people that just have goat-like characteristics.”
“Nobody see’s the irony and the problem?” Vinn pointed out.
“Honey, we definitely see the irony. We just don’t wanna make a big deal of it.
“So there’s a whole race of goatly people." he said, pausing.
“Looks that way.” Nodded Silverback.
“So I got turned half human to blend in and not stand out, and there’s just a whole village of people with hooves and horns and fur here? I would have just looked like a god if I came here normally. What was the point of getting humanized?” he asked.
“We didn’t know there would be goat people.” Gizzy shrugged. “The drones showed human villages and elves. We didn’t have a history book, we were in a hurry. The gate had a narrow window of opening.”
“So I got shrunk down…shaved, slapped with nipples and a human face, just to find out I would have fit right in here as a god? BRUH! I’ve been through some weird body morph issues, these feet are terrible. You can’t exist without shoes on, I’m always cold, everything around me is bigger because I'm smaller, my hands are tiny, my snout is nonexistent, I had friggin amazing antler, those are gone now, I’m rockin this hairless pinkskinned body, these stupid blunt teeth, weird little dinky 8 inch dick, I feel ridiculous every time I take a piss, I get drunk off like 6 beers, and all that for nothing?” Vinn barked. Dee raised her hand.
“I think we glossed over something else important.” Dee blurted.
“Not now, I’m ranting.” Vinn muttered.
“You rant your little heart out, Vinn." she encouraged, "You did say dinky 8 inch dick, right?”
“Oh my god, Dee, let it go.” Nicole muttered.
“I mean like…we talking soft or hard 8?” Dee squinted.
“Dee, that’s my husband’s dick you’re talking about. Let it go.”
“Oh my god… Nicole honey.” Dee gasped. “How much dick were you handling BEFORE he shrunk?”
“DEE!!!” Nicole yelled.
“I’m just…I don’t know if congratulations or like…my condolences. You poor thing, but also kinda…you go girl? Sorry I’ll stop, please put the battle staff down. Seriously I stopped.”
“Everyone relax.” Gizzy ordered. “And Vinn, sorry we shrunk you and stuff. We didn’t know, but nothing on this mission has gone as planned. I shrunk too. I probably shouldn’t have in retrospect. We should have came here big and armed with rifles and a shuttle craft. Just go with it.”
“Now I miss my hooves and horns. I look goofy.”
“Vinn you ARE goofy.” Nicole assured. “You always have been. You’re my big giant furry Jackelope nerd, and you always will be. You look fine. Very handsome.”
“Okay can it, assholes. We got stuff to do.” Gizzy motioned, riding onward and following the girl as she leaded them along. The village seemed to stretch on forever, winding around hill after hill, bridges of brick and wood spanning the creeks and falls winding little roads around them, in front of houses and businesses. A blacksmith’s shop, a horse stable, some eateries and roadside merchants selling trinkets. Faces stared and heads turned, muttering and pointing discreetly but trying to mind their business. They made their way down the dirt paths, as the streams merged into one large river and snaked harsh left to the hills near the lake, leaving a strangely quiet part of town winding up to a hillside castle, silhouetted by the sun tattered flags waved on the spires of the houses sharp points, matching the castle. She began leading them up the long path to the castle walls and across a tall bridge separating a battle tower from the main building.
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Is your father someone important?” Gizzy asked as she neared the large gated doors. "Like advisor to the king?"
“He’s the King of Dyrecove.” She shrugged nonchalantly. “King Krade.”
“Well this is either really good or really bad.” Gizzy muttered.
“Hello! I’ve brought friends to meet father. They are dragon slayers and hunters of evil Elvin Kings.” She said to the guard as he sighed.
“Cinder, men will say silly things to get to see the king.”
“You want proof?” Gizzy said, getting out a saddlebag and untying the string, pulling out something rotten. “Got an Elf head…recognize him?” she grinned. The guard jumped and immediately ran to the shutter.
“Open the gates. Tell the king he has visitors.”
“See? Everyone said keeping the head was fucked up, but it just got us in. There’s a reason for my ways.” Gizzy yawned. They were led in, their horses taken to tying posts and brought wine and food to delay them while the king prepped his entrance. A group of satyr made their way to them, the largest one wearing a butcher’s robe and carrying a cloth to wipe his hands. With a jaw line of a young Leno, teeth of a horse, and a giant grin on his face showing them, the bull horned hulk of a man greeted them, a slight shade of green to his head and arms, his horns carved and inlayed with runes and symbols of gold.
“We’re here to see the king.” Boasted Gizzy.
“You’re looking at him. I hear you brought a very short elf.” He chuckled. She lifted the head up. “Ah, Faeryn, what a bastard, but not the bastard I was hoping for. Still, any dead elf king is a welcome one, I’ll pay you gold for that head if you’d like.”
“Sure, why not. We don’t need it.” Gizzy shrugged.
“So the white witch of the north is no fairy tale after all. The question is…whose side are you here to ensure wins?” he asked.
“You got the wrong witch. Ours is pink and kinda dainty. Truth is…we’re not even here for sides. There’s a dead god someone plans to resurrect by gathering his 4 items and returning them. We’re just here to stop that. The dragons are part of that and Elf kings just keep wanting us dead, and we don’t really wanna die right now, so…shit happens.”
“HA! Hilarious. Fables and myths have a way of evolving and changing, but they mean nothing. So you are here for the robes?”
“Kinda. I suppose you don’t wanna trade for a King head?” Gizzy asked.
“No, those robes are quite valuable. The wearer of the robes is invincible. How do we know you aren’t the ones trying to resurrect a god with them, leaving us without them?”
“Well…” Gizzy pondered.
“The Goblins sent us here.” Nicole blurted. “Willow of Thievenbridge and Thaddeus of, uh, well previously Thalebrook but now also Thievenbridge, apparently. He moved pretty recent. They gave us a map and said you would help us.”
“I don’t know any Thaddeus, and Willow is, I assume, still a crazed witch of magic and prophesies, brewing her elixirs of love and wisdom, running a whorehouse by day. Running a very quality one at that.”
“Yea, we…experienced her love potions.” Muttered Silverback.
“Ha. Then you know her magic is just nonsense and stories. Hazelthorn tea. Does nothing, she merely sells it to travelers so they fall in love with the whores. All in your mind, of course, just good business and better food than most whorehouses in Theivenbridge. Magic is nothing more than trickery, and most of it is all lie and little power. What does your little witch brew?”
“Actually, nothing. Dee is the brewery.” Nicole sighed. “But not all magic is fake. Just because a lot of it is. We’re here to trade you something more powerful than the robes, something that you might want more.”
“Why? Why would I want something different? Why would you trade for a lesser item, and why would I believe that you would do that?” he asked.
“Because we need the full set to take down the dragons. Those dragons are part god, and so are the kings that control them. After that, we plan to destroy the items and stop a chaos god from rising. The items we’re giving you don’t have that power. So to someone wanting to resurrect a chaos god, this would be a bad trade for you. For someone wanting a weapon to protect his kingdom, an axe might be better than a lousy set of robes. You look like a man who appreciates a nice thick axe.” Gizzy smirked.
“A weapon of power for robes of power. Interesting. Tell you what. We’re having a festival tomorrow, bring your axe and demonstrate it there.
“I can demonstrate it now.” Gizzy insisted.
“No, you can show of tricks now, and I have meat to prepare for the festival. We are a tough and proud people, but we do not swim in gold, we swim in water. Fish, rich clay, boats, we have much of that. Gold and power, not so much. Even a king here works by day, so that another man is free to work elsewhere and yet another would be polishing an elf boot or bringing wine. This is a village of toil and hard labor and the rewards are a strong navy and full bellies, so we eat, and we celebrate, and tomorrow the celebrations will conclude in the grand courtyard of the old castle. The one the dragons burned to bare stone. Ahndra once breathed her decay on it and all that survived was the one wearing the robes. Nothing grows there now, the wood we used to rebuild it, rotted in days, the stones are cursed with death and rot. But it is there we hold the proving grounds. Many men come here to test their magic against the robes, and we oblige.”
“Why?” Nicole asked. “Why fight on cursed earth over some robes?”
“Because whoever wears them always wins, and that sends a message to everyone doubting why we still stand, even on cursed stone. We gain many magic weapons and armor every year, all of them just trinkets and tricks. So I hope willow has not blessed your axe with her magic, or it will go with the useless collection. My advice, save your fighter, place your bets, enjoy the food and the entertainment. Everything from the lodging to the wine to the stables are yours as guests to claim…just not what is the kings. My daughters and the robes.”
“Awfully generous of you.” Silverback nodded.
“Well you did bring me an elf king’s head, so I cannot send you away without some payment and praise, but the robes must be won, as are the traditions of the festival. We have one every year when the leaves fall, but this one is more of a bonus.” He chuckled.
“What’s the celebration for?” Vinn asked.
“Quake, the Crest Rider, drum of the earth, Dragon of Spirecrest was killed in Thalebrook. A dead dragon will feed many families well, if the blood drained and the meat is cooked down for hours. A dead beast of the kings, now, that is a celebration.”
“Bro, we killed that thing.” Vinn blurted.
“Maybe you did, and if so, I praise you. But you are the third to have claimed this and came here for the robes. You shall meet them at the festival, and we will see who is carrying magic, and who is carrying fables and…love potion tea.” He chuckled, returning to his butchery and his work. “I will let you stay in any inn you wish for free!” he hollered back.
“We got our own house…brought it with us.” Gizzy smirked.
“HA! Hilarious king slayers you are.”
Gizzy picked the flattest spot on the hill as the king's men watched from the towers, she set up the crude tripod, tying the wooden sticks to the legs to level it and guestimate the height.
“We got this?” Dee asked.
“Oh yea. Simple matter of compensating for the damaged dimension lifts. This should theoretically put the Y-level right where we want it, bury the foundation exactly 3 feet into the hillside, and put the foundation stone right on the grass on the side facing the lake. We’re about to have lakefront property and warm beds again.” She said setting the timer and stepping back as the green glow traced the outline right where she wanted it, glitching and stuttering up and down about 3 feet as the house appeared with a thunderous clap, about 6 inches off the round on the high side, slamming down with a second thunderous clap, as it began to slide down the slope.
“Shit shit shit, FUUUUUUUCK me in my fucking baby toe!” she cursed, kicking dirt as she chased it. ‘
“Someone stop it!” yelled Dee.
“It’s a house!” Gizzy yelled, trying to override the cool down before it reached the edge. “It doesn’t have emergency brakes! Nobody try and grab it, you’ll just get pulled with it. It’s a 50 ton house!” she yelled, turning and bailing off the deck as it tipped and fell off the Cliffside into the water below. She stood leaning over the edge, watching the structure sink and bubble.
“Is it waterproof?” Dee asked.
“No.” Gizzy sighed.
“I thought you said it was all modern polymers and wood cladding. It doesn’t seal up?”
“No Dee. It’s not a boat, it’s a house. It keeps rain out from the top down, and arrows out from the sides. Son of a bitch. So the rugs and bedding are just ruined.”
“Can we get it out?” Dee asked.
“Yea sure. In about an hour when the coils have cooled down, and we can shrink it again, Nicole will dive and swim down there with my key, shrinkify it, we can get some ropes and pull the lunchbox out with the horses.”
“What happens to the water when it shrinks?”
“No idea. We never tested it as a submersible, Dee. Fireplaces probably won’t work and will need cleaning, forget the kitchen hearth, Oh Damnit, my blacksmithing shit is gonna be all ruined. The whole ground floor is gonna look like a tornado hit it. I’m starting to think the whole house was a bad idea. I knew we rushed untested tech too much.”
“Then why did we bring it?”
“I WANTED A HOUSE!” Gizzy yelled. “I can’t build one here if we’re on the move. I wanted a place to screw in and have a meal, and shoe my horses, and watch TV…you know those aren’t waterproof. The flatscreens are fucked. Maybe we can just sell the stupid thing, carry the money and use it to stay at places with dry beds and working blacksmith shops.”
“Sorry, your house fell into the lake.” She said hugging her.
“Well, we got any inn of our choosing. Choose a nice one. This is going to take a few hours.”
“I’ll get the horses and Nicole.” She said trudging up the hill.