It was time to put her armor on for the day. Lolly slid the door to her closet open. It was not like there was much to choose from. Too many choices made her nervous, at least this is what she told herself. The truth was she did not like to go clothes shopping because of the stares. The stares were one of the reasons Max refused to be seen with her in public. Oh, he liked to be looked at, he thought he was some kind of cute, but he did not like it when people stared at Lolly. For Lolly, the stares were bad, but the pretending not to stare and quickly looking away that people did, always made her stomach hurt.
Mitzi surveyed the contents of the closet while Fluff swished his tail. Both cat and cousin felt it was their duty to chose the armor of the day for Lolly. Both knew she was going to need it. Max had given the day a bad start and Mitzi was determined to make up for her brother's rudeness. With Puccini on her hip, she slid her tiny hand across the legs of the overalls. She grabbed the leg of a faded blue pair. They were the softest and the oldest ones that Lolly owned. Mitzi said, “I think you should wear these today. They are almost as soft as Puccini and the color makes your eyes look pretty.” Lolly blushed. Compliments were something she rarely received and she didn’t think that anyone but Pa and Grandma Toady had noticed the color of her eyes. She said, “Thank you, Sweetie.”
“You are welcome.” Mitzi yanked the the overalls off the hanger and tossed them to Lolly. "Now for a shirt, Fluff, which one do you think she'd like?" Fluff slid his green eyes up and sideways. Mitzi asked the cat, “This one?" She pointed at a pale green shirt with tiny leaves. Fluff let out a soft meow. Mitzi said, “We think this one make you feel like you are in the forest with Bambi and Thumper." Lolly silently rolled her eyes. She knew what was coming next and she was right. Mitzi said, "I wish I could have a Thumper. Daddy says I could have a rabbit at his house, but I KNOW he would forget to feed it and I DO NOT want to be responsible for the murder of one of God's most cuddly creatures. If only Mama would let me have a rabbit, Granma would help me take care of it. Mama says, No way, they have too many babies. I only want a rabbit. One rabbit cannot have a baby, Max said so. And this time I choose to believe him."
Lolly pulled the selected shirt off the hanger. It was almost the same color as Fluff's eyes. Today her armor would be an homage to Puccini's softness and Fluff's eyes. If any thing hard or unfortunate happened she would focus on Fluff and Puccini. She told Mitzi, "Y'all chose well this morning. Now, scoot while I get dressed.”
“I have not picked out your shoes yet,” said Mitzi.
“I only have four pairs.”
“Yes, and that is why it is so important for me to choose.” For several long minutes, Mitzi studied the chucks, the sandals, the Swedish clogs and the raggedy pink ballet slippers that Lolly had gotten from Goodwill. Fluff went into the closet and pawed the slippers. Mitzi clapped her hands together and said, "Good choice Fluff."
Lolly did not really want to wear the ballet slippers.
Mitzi picked up the slippers and said, “These will remind you that you are a dancer.”
“I am not a dancer.”
“You could be if you wanted to.”
“But, I don’t want to.”
“You do.”
Arguing with MItzi was waste of precious time and the bus would soon be there. “Okay, I will wear them. Now, let me get dressed.”
Mitzi left the room with a twirl. She took preschool ballet at the community center and she thought everyone, including Puccini and Fluff, should take ballet.
Fluff jumped up on her bed and stretched out. He was sleepy after his big breakfast. Lolly sat down on the bed beside him and pulled on the overalls. She slipped the shirt over her head and fastened her overalls straps. Since she was afraid of any ballerina germs that might still lurk in the slippers, she spayed them with dienfectant and put on a pair of thick socks. The socks made the slippers fit better. For an instant she thought of Cinderella. The shoes made her feel like they might make her want to dance. Even if they did, there would not be any Prince Charming that would want to dance with her.
The sliding glass doors of her closet had mirrors on them. She stood and starred at herself in the mirrors. As long as she looked at herself from the neck down she looked almost normal. Deep down she knew she would never look normal, ever. Grandma Toady said it all depended upon how you defined normal. Normal to Lolly would be having...she did not finish the thought. It never did any good. She turned away from the mirrors, gave Fluff a pat and grabbed her backpack.
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For a long moment she stood facing her bedroom door. Every morning, at least when there was school, going through that door at this time of day was the hardest task of the day. Everything inside of her just wanted to stay put and hide with Fluff. But as Grandma Toady said, “The World must be faced.” She took a deep breath and opened the door.
As usual, Max had not waited for her. She told herself, It doesnt' matter, but it did. In the kitchen Mitzi wore her little red backpack with Puccini stuffed inside of it. She did not get to ride the bus to preschool. Aunt Jessie took her. Aunt Jessie was Mitzi and Max’s mother. She worked the night shift a Pensky’s Gas Station. Her shift was over, but she slept until it was time to take Mitzi to school. Technically, Max and Mitzi lived in another trailer on the next street, but because of Aunt Jessie’s job, they had to spend a lot of nights with Grandma Toady. Before Max got so stuck up and mean it had been nice to have him spend the night, but not now.
Grandma Toady put Lolly’s lunch into her back pack and gave her a kiss. Mitzi hugged Lolly’s knees and shouted, “Puccini will be praying for you!”
“Thanks.” Lolly gave them each a small smile. They did this every morning. It was their ritual to help Lolly face the World.
Outside the ball was getting higher in the sky. All the pin holes had become iinvisible. Even though she could not see them, Lolly knew they were still there. When ball began to sink in the evening, the tiny heaven leaks would shine again. She sighed. The now of evening was a long way off.
The next hardest part of the day was the bus stop. The only time Max stood anywhere near the bus stop was when it was raining. The rest of the time he pretended like it did not exist. As always he was dressed better than anyone in the trailer park. His dad had to pay child support and Aunt Jessie spent a lot to make her kids look good. Max looked good. He always looked good. His sneakers alone cost more than everything Lolly had in her entire closet. As usual, he and his friends totally ignored her. It was okay. No one really wanted to talk to thirteen year old boys.
There were a few girls in the trailer park her age, but they rode to school with friends or one of their parents. All alone Lolly faced the road to wait for the bus. There was time before she had to face the Now that would carry her to school. If Max and his friends continued to ignore her, the wait wouldn’t be so bad. The sky this morning was full of her favorite kind of clouds, cumulus. The ones that were floating by looked like pigs with wings. When she was little she wished she had a pig with wings. Truth was she still did, but she would never tell anyone.
The bus pulled up. Mr. Anderson, the bus drive opened the doors. He gave Lolly a smile as she climbed into the bus. Lolly took the second seat on the left side because it had the best view. From this seat, she could see what was coming and watch the scenery pass by on the side. There were cotton and maize fields. There was also cattle ranches and goats. Plowed Feilds stretched out on either side road.
The bus passed the old cemetery. It had graves over 150 years old. Max said it was full of ghosts. If it was full of ghosts they would be the nicest kind because the cemetery was so pretty and peaceful when Grandma Toady took them to visit the family dead. They had a lot of family dead. Grandma Toady was the only one out of all her seven sisters and brothers who was still alive. When they went to the cemetery to visit the graves, Grandma Toady always exclaimed, “My kin live in the Eternal NOW and one day I will live there too!” Lolly did not like it when Grandma Toady made that exclaimation. She did not want Grandma Toady to be in the Eternal NOW. She wanted her to stay in whatever now Lolly was in. On their trailer walls there were pictures of Grandma Toady with her sisters and brothers when they were young. Sometimes when Lolly studied the photos she felt sad, because she really did not look like any of them. In fact, she did not know anyone who looked like her.
The bus stopped several times to pick up kids. Last to be picked up on the route was Trevor Long. He was the most beautiful boy, Lolly had ever seen. Just the sight of him, made her tongue tied, sped up her heart beat and made her feel so happy and sick at the same time. She had it bad. When he passed by her, she ALWAYS dropped her eyes and stared at her feet, which today were clad in ratty slippers. This time she felt like Cinderella hiding in the ashes. She was so afraid to see if he ignored her or was horrified by her when he walked by. She felt herself curling up inside into a tight ball. Her fear of what Trevor might think of her made her feel worse than anything Max ever said out loud to her. A lump formed in her throat. She took in a slow breath and ran her fingers along her overall strap. It's softness reminded her that Puccini was praying for her. Fluff was probably sound asleep, but she hoped he was dreaming of her. This now would be over soon, In a few minutes she would get off this bus and walk far away from Trevor. He was not in any of her advanced classes, so she rarely saw him during the day. After school he was in band, so he didn't ride the bus home.
The bus pulled up in front of the school house named after Lyndon Bains Johnson. Lolly fairly flew off the bus. The more distance she put between herself and Trevor and Max and his stupid little friends the better she would feel. Soon she would be in her Literature class. Literature was the best Now of the day because her teacher, Mrs. Beasley, was British and she read a selection of British verse aloud to her class every morning.
The difficulties of the morning fell away from Lolly as she took her seat. After the the bell rang, and they said the pledge, Mrs. Beasley began to read a verse by J.R.R. Tolkien. One line stuck with Lolly. She repeated it over in her head, Not all those who wander are lost;* She hoped it was true.