After returning the key to the still disappointed-looking librarian, I made my way to the children’s section in search of anything about this “System fairy tale.” I’d never heard of a story like that before in my life, and the entire thing sounded like something out of a video game.
But it wasn’t like the people here had video games, on account of there not being any computers. Though that could’ve just been Mike Smith having a technologically sheltered upbringing, but that didn’t explain the librarian’s rolodex. I was pretty sure libraries kept track of their catalog digitally, even way back when.
As I stacked several of the thick, educational tomes into a pile, I wondered why I’d never actually heard anything about this so-called “System” before. Even if it was some kind of niche pop culture trend that only existed for a short amount of time, it should’ve at least been mentioned once online as part of some kind of nostalgia bait discussion.
If anything, it sounded like a series of children’s books based on some old RPG, most likely a tabletop one. But then why would the librarian call it a fairy tale? That implied it was ancient. If that was the case, I had a couple of theories floating around. One of them involved time travel.
I remember reading that tons of progress on computers and computation in general were made during World War II, so maybe the lack of computers was the result of someone going back in time and killing Hitler? And that was the first thing any time traveler would do. And maybe this whole “System fairy tale” and body swapping thing had something to do with the result of that?
Yeah, it was a massive stretch, and maybe it’d be good to get some basic information before coming up with something so batshit insane?
I made my way to the nearest desk, and settled down into a plastic chair that barely reached above the ground. My legs were bent at an uncomfortable angle, and my knees rose above the height of the table. Well, that was what I got for stopping in the children’s section.
I didn’t let the rainbow quilt-colored carpet and bright plastic furniture faze me in my quest for knowledge. I took the first of the books and flipped through its thick, cardboard pages.
“System Tales: Chad the Conqueror,” I read aloud. “By Bone R. Sheathe. Alright, this has to be a fucking joke or something.”
One of the nearby patrons gave me a dirty glare, covering her son’s ears as she led him away. I ignored them.
“Once there was a man named Chad," I began, speaking in a sarcastic mumble-whisper. "Nobody liked him because he was weak and unattractive. Chad was very sad because he could not find someone to love him.”
Yup, it totally sounded like it was written for children, alright. If Bone R. Sheathe was Don Bluth’s pen name.
“One day, the Lord of Words took pity on Chad and bestowed him with the System. He told Chad that it was a way for him to become strong and loved. If he practiced what he wanted to do every day, he would get better at it. To know how well he was doing, Chad would only have to say the magic words, ‘Open System.’”
Immediately, a floating semi-transparent panel filled my field of vision. I reeled back in surprise, far enough that the miniscule chair I sat in tipped over and sent me to the floor with a soft crash. Rubbing my head, I got back up and uprighted my previous seat. It took only a moment to decide that the floor would’ve been safer, and I plopped my rear down there instead.
I turned my attention back to the mass of information slapped over my face. It was covered in a series of words and numbers, all neatly organized in tables. It didn’t take long for me to figure out how to navigate the strange menu, all I needed was a quick series of eye flicks.
Name
Level
Chuck Bachman (Mike Smith)
1
Attribute
Points
Description
Strength
10
Your physical strength, ability to hit harder and lift more.
Constitution
10
How much physical damage you can endure, be it from injuries or disease.
Endurance
10
Your physical Endurance. Also applies to your refractory period.
Charisma
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
11
Your ability to convince others with your words, both spoken and written.
Attractiveness
10
Your physical attractiveness, how receptive others are to your presence and words. Works in tandem with charisma.
Dexterity
10
Your physical dexterity. Applies to movement speed, fine motor skills, and how finely a target’s nerves can be stimulated.
Intelligence
11
Your ability to recall previously learned or observed information, and how quickly new information can be learned.
Skill
Level
Description
Detect Cheating
1
The ability to detect if someone around you is cheating. Will alert you if the act of cheating is actively occurring nearby.
Yup, that was me alright. Chuck Bachman, not Mike Smith. And those numbers matched what flashed in my head on the way over. I had a good idea what the rest of it was all about, but I decided to consult the “instructional texts” in front of me anyway.
“The Lord of Words told Chad that his abilities would be given numbers, and whenever he practiced an ability enough, the number would go up! And when Chad tried new things, he would be given a new number for that Skill.”
That explained the level up and the [Detect Cheating] Skill. They popped up as soon as I left Jeff’s place, and the numbers that went up, Charisma and Intelligence, kind of relate to what I did by catching them and telling them to fuck off.
I turned the page and continued reading.
“Chad practiced every day, and his numbers went up very high! They all started at ten which meant he was not special in anything. Soon they all went up to twenty, which is as good as the best of the best.”
So that was how the numbers mapped to actual ability; 10 was average, 20 was peak human like with Einstein or Michael Phelps. It was probably a miracle the System didn’t start me off at level 5 or 7 in everything, that would’ve been more accurate. Eh, I’d take it.
“Chad discovered many new Skills and got their numbers up really high. He had Lying, Seduction, Pregnancy Induction…”
I put the book down and began looking around. Was there some kind of hidden camera somewhere? Was a TV crew going to jump out and tell me I’ve been Juiced? Or maybe this was one of those fake kid’s books where they’d make a ton of sexual innuendos with big text and childish cartoon characters.
Except there were no innuendos here. The publisher was the same as the more tame children’s stories next to it, and the book was put together without a single printing error. This thing was legit.
I quickly opened up a new book and began reading through it. It had a similar premise, and followed the same plot for the first 5 pages. Total loser got video game-styled super powers, grinded out their stats, and started doing some super pervy shit with it.
The third book followed the same formula. They were all written and sold by different authors and publishers, meaning this story definitely wasn’t some kind of one-off thing. If something like this existed back home, people definitely would’ve been talking about it.
There was no denying it now; this wasn’t the Earth I came from. Something big must’ve happened in the past that led to something this salacious being written for children.
I shot out of my seat and briskly walked towards the nearby history section, grabbing several US and world history textbooks before making my way to a much larger table. As I sat down, I noticed a man unlocking the door of the bathroom I’d used earlier. He was being followed by the librarian. I looked away from the two and got started on my books.
Fifteen minutes later, I slammed the dense texts shut. Well, my worst fears were confirmed; this wasn’t my Earth. Not by a longshot.
I looked back at the textbooks before me and let out a long, drawn-out sigh. At first, everything started out normal enough, but too many major events were completely perverted from what I knew back home. Literally.
The French Revolution came about because King Louis XVI wouldn’t stop using the declaration of Primo Noctis to have sex with everyones’ wives.
World War 1 started because Gavrillo Princip, the man who assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand out of a misguided sense of patriotism, only did so out of a broken heart because he and the Archduke were former lovers!
And the Cuban Missile Crisis didn’t have anything to do with nukes here. Oh no, not at all. It was because JFK fucked Castro’s wife! Yeah! Ok fine, from what I’ve read about the ex-president, that one sounded the most realistic. But still!
I heard the bathroom door open up and instinctively looked up. The patron I saw earlier walked out, with the librarian right behind him. Both of their hair was disheveled, and they each had extremely guilty looks on their faces. The man’s hands were even fidgeting while he loudly mumbled something about late fees, and his bathroom key reflected light into my face. No wait, that wasn’t the key. That was a ring. A wedding ring.
At that moment, it all made sense. Mike Smith’s fucked up views on relationship dynamics, the insane world history, and the fact that every single person I’d met so far was incredibly horny? I really was stuck in a porno!
I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. Then the realization hit me.
My cheeks turned bright red, forcing me to hide my face behind a book to keep anyone from seeing it. I was in a porno! With fucking super powers no less! I could have my way with any woman I wanted, just like the protagonists of those stories! I mean, I could just test it out, only a little. It would be fun, and that librarian was pretty cute…
The crimson drained from my face. I lowered the book to reveal a pained gaze. No. I’d just gone through hell to barely drag myself out of one vice, I wasn’t about to jump head-first into another. Besides, I still didn’t have the full picture of this place or my new magic powers. I at least wanted to make sure the System wouldn’t harm any would-be girlfriend, or expect me to harm her.
A chime echoed from a series of loudspeakers along with a recorded voice. “The library will be closing in fifteen minutes, please check out any books now.”
I piled all of my books up and headed towards the counter. I’d just have to continue my research back at Mike’s place.