I sighed, only having a few scraps of meat left from the giant cow-sized minotaur, “I know I touched the paper-thing, but how do you actually open the status screen thing—AH!“ I jerked back, squawking as I stared at glowing white text that appeared before me.

Lawrence chuckled, grinning at me, “Like that. You can think it, too.”

I stared at my status screen.

[Samantha Solace LV 1]

[Class: Support]

[Form: 20 Magic: 50]

[Skills:

Cleanse LV 1, Rejuvination LV 1

Recovery LV 1, Heal LV 1, Appraisal LV 1

]

I hummed, looking at Lawrence, “How do you use skills? Do you just say them aloud?”

He shrugged, “It was intuitive to me.”

“Tch, fucking geniuses,” I muttered, staring intently at the man, Appraisal. After several moments of attempting to appraise him, it finally brought up a screen.

[Lawrence Brown, 38, Rank D]

“Huh? It gave you a ranking,” I said, surprised. It showed me power levels of people?

Lawrence glanced up, “Huh? What does that mean?”

“You know, like in gaming stories and manwha!” I said excitedly, “They rank you from F to like S or X or something. It goes F… It uh, counts up from F.”

Lawrence hesitated, looking concerned, “F, E, D, C, B, A? Where does the S and X come from, then?”

“Oh! So there’s, yeah, there’s those letters, then there’s, uh, above A is S, and above S is like… SS, then SSS, then X, then, you know, more x’s. Of course, it could count up in magnitude by letters, like F, FF, FFF, E, EE, EEE, etcetera. Typically they only do that for A or S and up, though.”

Lawrence hummed, thinking about it. Then he shook his head, “That doesn’t make sense.”

I shrugged, “I wasn’t the one who made it, blame… uh… the school system of Japan, I think? Korea? China?” I sighed, “I don’t know where it originated from.”

“No, I mean why would the systems we gain be using a grading system like that?” Lawrence asked.

I sighed, “Dude, it’s probably alien AI or something. They just had it scan our planet, used what was most popular in similar “situations”,” I did air-quotes, dropping my hands, “And gave it to us. Regardless, maybe it’s there to help us fight off the aliens or something? A rival faction of the Drowwe?”

Lawrence shook his head as he packed up, still looking a bit queasy, “I’m glad I fixed your bat, I don’t think I can cast magic like this.”

“Well look forward to it, this is happening tomorrow, too,” I said cheerfully, “Now that I have double the Form you do, I’ll feed you whenever I feel hungry, then extrapolate, and feed you twice as much as I eat! Great.”

Lawrence’s face grew pale, “Please… don’t mention food.”

“Oh, okay. Kittens. Puppies. Dirt. Oh, dirt actually tastes pretty cool, have you tasted dirt?” I asked.

Lawrence shook his head, struggling to keep the lunch down, “N-no.”

“Oh. Sheltered childhood, huh? Regardless, I’m not saying that you should eat dirt or anything, but it tastes a lot better than, like, anything I cook.”

Lawrence hesitated, head hung as he shouldered the pack and trooped on. His voice was a low murmur, “I think that means you’re bad at cooking, not that dirt tastes good.”

“Well… it’s… like… on the same level as that cheap instant ramen without its seasoning—no, maybe better, on the same level with seasoning. Dirt would be a good seasoning,” I commented as we walked.

“Did you fail most of your classes in college?” Lawrence asked derisively, “Why are you talking like dirt is something edible?”

“Well, it is, it’s not like it’s poisonous or anything. No, wait, in a city it probably is,” I noted, “Regardless, when I was an unpaid intern at Kageson, I ate dirt just to fill my stomach, and I got all my calories from the coffee and sugar in accounting. Oh, editors, bleep that out. Accounting will hire assassins if they ever find out. Anytime I say Accounting just bleep it.”

“This is still going on your channel unedited, you know that, right?” Lawrence asked.

I nodded, “Well, yeah, but accounting doesn’t have time for that shit. Do you know how many—ope, NDA. Nevermind. Regardless, all of Kageson is incredibly busy. That’s why they hire interns at all—during the workday they really can’t do anything except work, though they’re given two hour paid lunches.”

“Paid?” Lawrence complained, looking jealous, “You got paid lunches?”

“Not like free lunch, but yeah we were paid while eating lunch. Davis is fucking amazing to work for, dude. So great.”

Lawrence sighed, “You sound like you’re sponsored by him to say that. Stop.”

“Well, one, he’d kill me if I swore during a sponsored advertisement. Two, he doesn’t advertise. Three, I’ll proceed to say stuff that he definitely wouldn’t sponsor, if you’d like? Like, everyone who is into men is into him, he’s hot as all hell, he’s attractive, he’s intelligent, he’s handsome, he’s fucking scary, and uh… he’s extremely competent. Also do not, under any circumstances, sign any contract he gives you. I do not care how nice and innocent it looks, he is hiding something. That’s how he gets so many indentured servants. Which is illegal, if you’re seeing this and alive, Davis. Illegal. Oh, but working for him is fine, just don’t sign anything except the standard contract—and actually read through it, because if you don’t you are more than fucked, dude.”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Lawrence chuckled, grinning, “Many people would be completely surprised to hear that the great and all-powerful Blood is afraid of a civilian.”

I hesitated, giving Lawrence an incredulous look, “Are you kidding me? No way in hell is he a civilian! He could take down an army in hand-to-hand combat without Awakening! I’ve seen him doing his martial arts kata! Or I haven’t, because he was a blur. There’s no way in hell he’s going to pass up the opportunity to Awaken. Oh, god, is he after me?” I shivered, a sense of doom overcoming me, “I’m glad the United States military claimed me first. They’ll protect me, right?”

Lawrence’s grin widened as I looked over at him, “Either the CEO of Kageson is really impressive, or he left a very strong impression on you.”

I hesitated, “Well, yeah, he’s hot. He leaves a very strong, rock hard impression on anyone. Though some people he leaves a very wet—“

Lawrence groaned, “Stop. There’s no way he’s so attractive that the entire company actually lusted after him.”

I hesitated in my walk throughout the labyrinth, glancing around for a moment. Oh, there was a monster following us. I stared at it. It was tall and shadow-like with bloodshot human-looking eyes.

“Huh, that’s creepy. Lawrence, magic that thing,” I said, pointing at it as I glanced at Lawrence.

Lawrence moaned quietly in discontent, turning. The moment he laid eyes on it he flinched back and shrieked, ten fireballs being flung from his hands. The thing was beyond dead.

“What was that?” I asked.

“T-that’s what got you yesterday,” Lawrence mentioned, growing pale, “I think they’re specifically seeking you out.”

I tilted my head as I glanced back at the shimmer of a golden rock in the distance. Walking over, I speak, “Well, yeah, that’s what dungeon monsters do?”

I crouched, picking up the golden rock. I tossed it up in the air, catching it. Nice. Pretty rock acquired. I put it in my pocket. No! Wait! I could appraise it!

“No, I mean,” Lawrence sighed, shaking his head, “Typically they don’t leave the area they’re supposed to be in. This stone area has minotaurs and orcs, and there’s a mossy area that has goblins and fairies. The shades come from a specific dark section of the maze, and they typically stay away from the light.”

I hesitated, glancing behind me, “Oh, you mean they sense my weakness and are trying to capitalize on it? Yeah, that’s what enemies do, Lawr. What do you think the boss monster is? I can’t imagine, with all the variety in this giant maze.”

Lawrence shrugged, “Maybe it’s a shade minotaur or something.”

I hummed, pulling the rock out, Appraise! “That would be really cool. I want to talk to a shade minotaur. Think it speaks cow? If I moo at it would it think I’m racist?”

[Shiny relatively useless rock. Highly valued by humans, the foundation of their entire global currency system. No magical properties. No value outside of what humans have placed onto it.]

I stared at the shiny rock, looking up, “Hey Lawrence! This pretty rock is gold! That’s what money is based on, right? Gold?”

Lawrence hesitated, glancing at the way forward before walking up to me, eyes focused on the rock, “Interesting. It’s quite large, are you sure?”

“Yeah, I used one of my skills! It says pretty rock. Mostly useless. Highly valued by humans, the foundation of their currency system. That’s gold, right?”

Lawrence hummed, eyes focused on the rock, “Are you paraphrasing? I don’t think the system would give objective views.”

I hesitated, sighing as I repeated verbatim what the appraisal gave me.

Lawrence hummed in disappointment, “That’s not very useful. I’d prefer healing potions or weapons to that.”

I shrugged as I stood up from my crouch, pocketing the shiny rock, “Hey, look, man, if you don’t like shiny rocks that’s on you. Shiny rocks are pretty.”

Lawrence’s expression twisted, and he looked pained, “You must have struggled in college a lot, with your level of intelligence.”

I hesitated, thinking, “My former boss said that I was very shrewd and intelligent.”

“What did your college professors say? Don’t tell me you exchanged sexual favors for good grades?” Lawrence muttered, giving me a tired look.

“Huh? No,” I said, slightly offended, “I’m kinda mid, dude, no one would accept that. Why do you think I never take this off?” I knocked on my helmet with my fist, “I’m hella ugly. No, I passed with flying colors, and studied during work hours because I was essentially an on-call maid for the lawyers.”

“Don’t you mean butler?” Lawrence muttered.

I shrugged, “Yeah, that. Whatever. I had a 4.0 and kept that GPA all throughout college. My biggest issue is that the professor of the statistics and probability class didn’t give 4.0 grades, his cap was 3 with no room for extra credit.”

Lawrence shuddered, “I hated professors like that, when I was in college.”

I nodded, “Yeah. I was going for the legal department of Kageson, though, so I’d always called out the professors if my assignment met their rubric’s standards for a 4.0. I beat like three professors at the same game who had similar ideas.”

Lawrence hummed, “If you’re that impressive intellectually, then why do you speak like you’re dumber than the “pretty rock” you picked up?”

I hesitated, humming as I glanced around at the stone walls, stopping, “Fuck, this place goes on forever. I give up. Let me out of here.”

Lawrence stopped too, sighing, “It’s been two days.”

“Two days of walking! We fought, like, five times! We’re doing nothing but walking,” I complained, “And the surroundings are boring! You have a map, right? Lead us somewhere interesting!”

“Are you trying to avoid the question or are you actually that bored?” Lawrence complained as he pulled out the map, sighing as he looked at it. He shook his head, putting it away, “I can’t, the labyrinth changed. We’ve been over this.”

I sighed, annoyed, “Whatever. You are what happens when someone is highly intelligent without any wisdom or cleverness to back that intelligence up. I’m what happens when someone is highly intelligent and highly wise without any cleverness. My old boss is what happens when someone is highly intelligent and extremely clever, but not as wise.”

I shook my head, turning to Lawrence as he glanced at the map, then around at his surroundings, gesturing at him as I spoke.

“It’s like one of those pentagon diagrams where there’s like colored space filling the area. I’m intelligent and wise, and that wisdom has lead me to realize that intelligence fucking sucks, man. It’s very boring, and my life is all about adrenaline. I’m going to be a stupid dumbfuck, it’s more fun that way. Oh, in that pentagon the other two levels of thought are, uh, perception and intuition, by the way.”

Lawrence looked at the map again, then at the surroundings, frowning. I hesitated, then I sighed.

“Man… do you think the editors know what I’m talking about and would put up a visual? Oh! Put my old boss in there too! CEO of Kageson. Get a really hot pose of us. Name the video something like Getting My Class so I can Force-Feed my Friend or Explaining What Makes Blood, Blood or something so I don’t have to waste my time looking through all the videos. I want to see how you guys do. I mean, what the fuck else are you going to use as content in this stupid fucking maze?”

I kicked a wall as hard as I could. The wall shook, a crater appearing. I hesitated, tilting my head as I grinned. An evil giggle escaped from me as I turned, “Hey, Lawrence, I just came up with the best idea.”

Lawrence glanced up from the map, having wandered a bit away to look at the next crossroads. Then, hesitating, relief filled him.

“Oh thank god, I thought we would be here forever,” Lawrence said gratefully.

I cackled as I turned, roundhouse kicking the wall.

BOOM!

As I laughed and punched my way through the wall, Lawrence blasting it apart around me as well, Lawrence spoke.

“Can you stop laughing like a lunatic? People are already calling us unhinged,” Lawrence complained, “I don’t want to be lumped in with you.”

I laughed, grinning, “Fine, fine. Let’s kill all these monsters and get the hell out of here.”