Gravel crunched underfoot. In front of us was a massive swirling portal of white and cyan. In front of it, guarding it jealously with assault rifles and bored looks, was the US military. I shivered as my partner and I walked up to the military, Taco Bell and crayons in hand.

“It was the right thing to do,” Lawrence said for the hundredth time.

Just shut up. Just don’t say anything. I turned, glaring at Lawrence. My glare faded at his miserable look, and I felt guilty. He’d cared about the twins as much as I had. If the military hadn’t called CPS, maybe we’d still be together…

If the military hadn’t called CPS I wouldn’t need to bring Taco Bell and crayons. The commander glanced over as Lawrence and I walked up.

“Ah-ah-ah, no—“ He said as he stalked forward. His words cut off as I knelt before him, holding up the gold and green box. Lawrence held another box that wasn’t Crayola.

Flicking my helmet’s camera on, I spoke, “Oh great ruler of the camo-man, I grant upon you this wonderful and beautiful crown!”

I knelt, holding the golden paper crown that smelled of fast food aloft, the insignia of the king of burgers held toward the commander who had been about to prevent me from entering the swirling portal. Reaching behind me, I held aloft an entire box of 24 Crayola crayons as well.

“As well as giving upon your majesty the best of the best, your own personal selection of crayons!”

A giant of a blond man swaggered up. He had golden hair and blue eyes. He looked vaguely familiar. He wasn’t Jones, though, was he? … Oh, shit, no, that was my landlord. Jesus. I looked at what he was looking at, viewing the massive bags of food. There was Taco Bell, McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s, Arby’s, and a few others. Lawrence was holding all of it, looking very aggrieved.

Clearing his throat, the commander tucked the crayons into his pocket, straightening, “No, our orders are to not let anyone in.”

“Oh come on, sergeant! Take the crown!” The blond man goaded, grinning as his blue eyes shimmered with mirth, “Let the man go into the portal, if he wants to get himself killed he can.”

“Listen to your wise and admirable advisor!” I held aloft a McDonald’s bag, “And you shall be granted the bag with the Happy Meal in it as well—toy included.”

The sergeant’s lips twitched, and he looked hard-pressed to remain serious. More and more of his underlings wandered up, saying what a great honor the happy meal was.

Then, the killing blow, I spoke seriously, “The Happy Meal has a Hot Wheels contained within.”

The commander hesitated, staring at the crown. Suddenly jeers and goading from his troops echoed out, calling for him to take the crown. The blond next to him shook him again, grinning down at the man.

Finally, the man gave in, shaking his head, muttering to himself, “I’m going to get my ass reamed for allowing this. Fine. Go ahead.”

Everyone cheered, excluding Lawrence and other bypassers. I gently crowned him.

“Cool! Now take your pick of the food, and come get your Crayons, guys! I know it’s your favorite, you’re Marines.”

“Ooh, I want the scarlet one,” The blond reached out.

The commander snatched the Crayola box out of my hand, taking out all of the red ones, “The red ones are mine, Pierce. Get back to your station.”

The blond sighed heavily, rolling his eyes, “Fine, fine, here, give me the Taco Bell.”

Lawrence looked very panicked as suddenly he was surrounded by eager buff men with guns all reaching toward him. Soon, he was relieved of all his bags of food.

As we walked into the portal, a loud whistle echoed out, “Looking good, Frank. Crown suits you. Dinner later?” Someone catcalled. I glanced behind me, seeing a flash of blond before the surroundings changed.

Huh.

That was twice now that my landlord helped me out.

Glancing around, I looked at the weird stone room with two torches equidistant from the dark hallway ahead. The ceiling above was high, maybe fifteen feet from the floor, and the lit-up room itself was square, made of seemingly unbroken stone with the dark hallway directly in front of it.

“After this dive we have to find my father,” Lawrence commented.

My attention turned back to him, “Huh?”

Where did that come from?

“My mother called while we were getting the bribes. He was on a business trip in New York. Staying at Opulence Heights,” Lawrence explained, looking stressed.

I nodded, “Yeah, sure. I’ll help you look for your father.”

The dungeon was a simple one, with thick gray-skinned humanoids with slitted yellow eyes all rampaging the moment they saw us, roaring and growling. They all wielded clubs, rushing toward us.

BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG-BANG!

I glanced to the side after watching the five creatures fall, “Ow. My ears. Where’d you get the gun?”

His aim was a bit too good for him to have pilfered it off one of the military men, right?

“I took it from the Coastal Guard when we worked with them last week,” Lawrence commented lightly, staring at the creatures with a frown, “This is just like in VR, except it has recoil…”

I snickered, grinning at the man, “There’s no way your aim is that good because of VR.”

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Lawrence shrugged, “I’m in a hurry.”

We had a merry time until he ran out of bullets, tossing the gun aside. Then it was my turn. I aimed for the knee-caps of the eight-foot creatures I was going to dub trolls.

When we arrived in the boss room, the room was dark. In front of us was a massive throne, with a giant pale sand-colored creature on it. Its eyes were red, and it had tusks. An ogre?

“Oh, hello! Can you speak?” I called out as I walked up, glancing at Lawrence.

“Yes. What is your purpose in coming here?” The ogre asked.

“We came to have a tea party and ask how your day’s been going,” I called dryly, “You know my purpose, I must protect my planet.”

The ogre huffed, crossing his arms, “I expected more time,” He mourned, his deep voice solemn, “As they say, time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like an apple.”

I hesitated. Fruit flies like… fr— My shoulders shook. Lawrence groaned.

“We don’t have time for this.”

The ogre frowned.

“Don’t pay him any mind,” I commented lightly, “It’s like I tell my friends. If your man can’t appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.”

The ogre cackles.

“No,” Lawrence said softly, scrubbing at his face with one hand.

“That’s advice I’ll have to pass along. I have a lot of friends,” The ogre agreed, grinning. He shifted in his throne, setting his cheek on his fist.

“Oh? Do you?” I asked. That wouldn’t make sense, he was alone in this boss room. All bosses were.

“Yes, I am close friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.”

I giggled after a long moment wherein I didn’t understand the joke.

“That’s hilarious. Did you know? Salt made a pun joke and it was sodium funny,” I replied.

Lawrence knelt, opening the backpack he’d brought. Bringing out a blanket, he spread it on the ground. As the ogre and I exchanged puns, he pulled out a book. After a small amount of time, he pulled out a sandwich, taking his time reading.

The book was on statistics and probability, which would explain why the man found no amusement in anything in life. Well, no, that was unfair. He found amusement in numbers. He laughed at our numerical puns.

After a few hours, we both had run out of ideas and were staring at each other solemnly. At our silence, Lawrence started packing his stuff.

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.

“I am too,” The ogre agreed somberly.

My legs shook as I took a single step. The ogre stood up, towering above us. Slowly, I ran faster and faster, the ogre rushing toward me as well. My bat didn’t do much, but I could still reach the fifteen-foot ogre’s knees.

His clawed hands snapped out, but I dodged. Lawrence remained leaning against the doors of the boss room, a few healing and stamina potions on his belt that hadn’t been there before.

Whoosh—thud! Pain slammed into me, much like the ogre’s foot did, sending me flying.

BANG! The door shook in its frame. Something shattered. The pain I felt eased as liquid dripped down me. I glanced around for my bat as Lawrence sprinted away. Looking up, I saw a massive black shadow. My legs fully extended, sending me sprawling to the side just in time.

Puff.

My bat hit the ogre’s knees. Swish. Dodge. Puff. Hit. Whoosh-thud-BOOM. The sound of glass shattering as I stood back up. A shrill scream. I got up and sprinted toward the Ogre, who was aiming for Lawrence now. Puff-grunt. My bat hit the back of his knee as my foot kicked his heel. The ogre turned.

Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff. Whoosh-thud-BOOM. Glass shattering.

My entire life was those movements, the sight of the shadows flickering and shifting around the various edges of the room. Lawrence sprinted around nigh-constantly, always being just close enough that he could still hit me with the healing potions but far enough away that he could still escape the Ogre should he aim for the beanpole.

Eventually, everyone panting and gasping for air, the Ogre’s leg gave out, and he crashed to the ground. My bat slammed into his head twice before he swung out, claws scraping against my chest, four long and deep scratches appearing. Blood splattered out of my chest and against the ground. The ogre stood up again, his gaze hardened as he stared at me. His foot raised.

A hand wrapped around my wrist, dragging me out of the way. I cried out as my foot was crushed under the ogre’s. My helmet was lifted as I was carried, a glass vial shoved against my lips. I drank greedily, reaching up and pushing my helmet back down the moment I could. Lawrence dropped me and sprinted away. I stood up, turning to look at the Ogre. He was walking toward me.

Looking around, I sprinted toward my bat. The ogre tried chasing me, but his leg—the only one I’d been hitting so far—gave out on him. He crashed to the ground. I grabbed my bat, sprinting toward him to try and take advantage. It was too late, though. The ogre had already pushed himself to his feet.

I stared at him, circling him carefully. Now that I wasn’t inside of his guard, he would easily be able to attack me before I could attack him. He stared at me, his yellow eyes emotionless. I bet my eyes were emotionless, too.

They had to be. It was kill or be killed, now. Our emotions had to be put aside for our duties. His to survive, and mine to protect the world.

I sprinted forward as he staggered. It was a feint. I just barely dodged his grasping hands, diving under them. I rolled away from his stomping feet, my bat slamming into the same knee.

We were back in the rhythm of the fight.

Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff. Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff. Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff.

Soon the ogre stopped getting up. My aim turned to the backs of his wrists and head.

Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff.

Then his shoulders.

Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff. Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff. Puff. Swish. Puff. Swish. Puff.

Soon, the ogre was just staring at me, blood as red as mine pouring down his face as he stared at me. We were in a lighted area, and I stared at him. He had matted grayish-brown hair, and he didn’t look too much different from humans, minus the gray tusks.

Tears burned in my eyes. My hands tightened around my bat, but I didn’t swing. I swallowed as my tears fell.

Gentle hands pulled me away. The ogre’s hand fell to the side. I hadn’t noticed he’d been reaching for me. Looking to the side, I watched as Lawrence carefully took my bat from me after ensuring I was far enough away. I watched as he swung my bat.

Over. And over. And over.

The whole time, I cried.