The long run. I signed up for it, not understanding the depth and time it would take to love you. Choosing to love, choosing to forgive, choosing to accept is hard. Knowing I don’t have an answer or even know the right question to ask, jabs my pride. I would like to jump to conclusions, heap all the blame on your head, turn you into the baddy, just this once… Though I have been deeply hurt, not heard and ignored, I still had a hand in this situation. I have kept to quiet, been too vague, expected you to read my mind, or was it my heart? I wonder often about why love has to be so challenging. It is arrogant of me to believe I am easy to love. Life is challenging and those challenges test love, stretch it, hurt it and sometimes utterly destroy it. Why?

This imperfect me struggles with my own limitations, right now I just don’t want to struggle with yours. I want a safe quiet place where no one can reach me, especially you. But more that getting away from you, my flawed love, I think I want to get away from myself even more. All the feelings I just don’t want to feel refuse to be wished away no matter how hard I try. Since I can’t distance me from myself, distancing myself from you looks like a solution. In a way it is, but it isn’t entirely. My issues won’t evaporate with your absence. I have to take responsibility for my own self and my own choices. I have to feel what I am feeling. At this moment I DO NOT WANT TO. What I want if for life to be easier. I want this difficult time to disappear. It won’t. So I choose to continue to live this time of confusion, and uncertainty. I choose to believe in my own capacity to survive. I choose to allow myself to feel, to cry and grieve. I choose to be merciful and forgiving to you and to myself.

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