It took Pras a while to decipher what had transpired. His rundown emotion and Mana’s invitation was nothing but a contradicting force. He pondered at her offer while he kept being ensnared by her genuine smile.

Until he realised the ring on Mana’s finger, which promptly dragged his heart back to the depths of doubt once more.

Pras shook his head and avoided the offer, “I’m sorry, forget what I just said. I don’t want to mess up your relationship with your fiance.”

Mana seemed confused for a moment before chuckling softly, “And here I thought that you of all people would have seen through my guise.”

“What do you mean?”

With a rather playful smile she answered with a question, “If I am engaged, why would I not tell you beforehand, deskmate?”

Pras frowned, “Be-because I’m nobody.”

“But you are a dear person to me, at least that is how I perceive it.”

Pras didn’t dare to retort. He just stood there, dumbfounded by how Mana declared their closeness as simple and straightforward as that.

“Shall we?” Mana invited him once more. This time, with more assertiveness in her ever bored yet proud tone. It was a kind of invitation from a lonely queen who would still walk alone if she must. And the one who was at loss would be the one who refuses such an invitation.

“W-wait, here, I need to ask for permission,” Pras answered hastily. He didn’t let his thoughts control him, but just went with his guts and desire to talk with her again, to make amends.

He ran upstairs hastily and asked for permission from his mother to go out with Mana. His mother just let out a sigh of approval. She also gave a rather intimidating advice, “Be a man and do not hurt her, also make sure she’s safe until she’s back home. Return the latest right at dinner. And get dressed properly.”

“Thanks mom, love you!”

Pras nodded and got a quick change and ran downstairs.

“S-so, where should I take you?” Pras asked nonchalantly as they walked out of the house unit.

Mana’s eyes widened as if she was taken by surprise with Pras’ change in appearance. Yet, she answered hastily, “J-just around here, there is a park nearby, right? Near the mosque and the church.”

“Oh, sure.”

The two walked northwards together. At first, Pras felt it was really awkward due to the recent incident between them. He didn’t even know what to say to her as he himself was still confused about his own anger as well as how to react accordingly to the whole situation. Nevertheless, he felt that the burden in his heart slowly seeped away the more steps he walked.

“Regarding the division leader position,” Mana finally started the conversation.

“Y-yes? What about it?”

She looked up to Pras and smiled softly. “I have to say, no matter how many times I said that I did not care about the position or even… purposely endanger it, I am actually glad your actions somehow reminded me that I might be wrong.”

Pras tilted his head in confusion. The explanation was questionable at best for him. “Why? Isn’t it just my assumption that you might still not want to lose something you worked hard for?”

“To be fair, I actually feel that I still want that position. In the end, you are right. It was something that I worked hard for. Perhaps something to cherish,” Mana nodded.

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She stepped forward a bit faster and stretched her arm as she balanced her steps through the sidewalk bumps. “All this time I was too eager to prove how genuine my intentions are to you guys, to help as much as I can. I mean, I often think that such a position is not as important as gaining trust from your comrade.”

“You don’t need to do that, you know. They trust you,” Pras commented right when Mana took a moment to take a breath.

Mana stopped, turned to Pras, and asked, “But do you, deskmate?”

The question stopped Pras on his track. It also made him question himself on the same topic. By logic, he might actually have trusted Mana, thus he prefered to make her safer at his own expense. But then again, wouldn’t that also mean he didn't trust her capabilities?

The girl turned around and continued walking, she said, “At first, it was really baffling for me to see everyone quickly agreeing with the action of sacrificing you for the sake of the others’.”

“Then, I realised they were not that comfortable with it as well. I saw moments where they would just leap forward for the sake of your safety. It was just that, on other moments, they decided that it would be best to let you do as you wish since the risk was minimal for everyone, including you. I am still unsure of the cause, though, since it was only recently that I joined you guys. I feel like it was as if they believed you had the highest chance of coming out alive in such a situation. You proved it to me at Arikad and also last week.”

Though he himself was also not sure about it either, but part of Pras agreed that it might be due to the arcade match they had during semester break.

“It often made me feel jealous, as if they trusted you more than I, a veteran in the game,” Mana continued, “But even then, I cannot deny it. I know I could trust you to have my back. Yet, I can not shake off the feeling that it was unfair to always let you be the first one to be sacrificed. At least for once, I want you to…”

Mana stopped her words to take a long breath. Then she whispered hesitantly while looking away, “... to at least depend on me. To see me in a better light.”

“Wait.” Pras frowned at the statement, “You are envious of me? Why? You’re one of the most popular people in our batch and even in Zurefgar you’ve already had your own achievements that none of us could even reach.”

Mana turned to Pras. She stood still as her smile weakened, “Because I believe that I was incapable of anything. Not even making true friends.”

“Nonsense,” Pras growled. “You, with such capabilities? Incapable? Give me a break. Do you even know that with just a sigh you could enrapture so many hearts?!”

“And those captured hearts, do they trust me?” Mana asked back. Her voice was rather shaky when she continued, “Even if I could steal so many hearts with just a sigh, would it not just be something superficial? And if they do not trust my other capabilities, would it not mean that I am nothing but a pretty face?”

It was another lightning strike in broad daylight for Pras’ heart when the question was asked. It was the exact words he threw at Mana in a fit of rage. Something he knew he shouldn’t have said.

Mustering up his courage, he said, “I’m really sorry about those words. I would want to say that it was just spoken in a fit of rage, but that was just an excuse. In the end I said those words.”

Mana nodded slowly. “You know? Even before you said it like that, I often think that those are true nonetheless. As I said, I am incapable…”

“What are you talking about? Aren’t you capable of a lot of things?” Pras interrupted. He was rather agitated with Mana’s stance. Something that he never thought she would have. An opinion about oneself which no one should have. Something that he suffered from all this time, but wished others wouldn’t.

“Then, do you trust me, deskmate?” Mana asked as her eyes shot right through Pras’.

Trying to avoid the subject, Pras growled, “My subjective opinion on you has nothing to do with your true worth.”

“Is it wrong to inquire your true opinion on the matter, deskmate?” Manna pressed on. Her eyes wavered though she kept the direction of her gaze.

Pras could only sigh. He tried to recall all the things he had done during the whole journey with Mana. It was finally clear to him. Through the facade of trusting his friends in her capable hands, he did the things he always did to anyone.

He sighed once more as he answered solemnly, “I’m sorry, I had never truly trusted you.”

Pras could hear Mana’s heavy breath as she seemed to try to keep his composure. Her eyes were teary and her words were shaky as she said, “I knew it from the start, but it is still kind of… painful to hear it from you.”

Mana smiled sadly when she continued, “And now you wonder why I am envious of you? Unlike me, you could easily fit in and gain people’s trust, either through actions or words. Eggi and the others, Steven, Grok, even Arkengrad. Yet, here I am, not even able to gain the trust of my own dear deskmate.”

“Come on,” Pras groaned, “It has nothing to do with you. Even I have my doubts on Ega and Pitoy. It’s just me, I never trust anyone, since ....”

He stopped. The flashes of those bad memories appeared again in his mind.

Mana looked away for a moment. She then drew a heavy breath once more and asked, “Was it the Taz-D incident?”