“Theater?” Isa smiled and laughed. “I haven’t ever seen much, honestly. Just what they made us do in school.”

“I just thought, while you’re here, you might like to see some of the Varanese way. Our culture. ” Mery shrugged. “And it just so happens that there’s a special event happening right now. The halflings, once a year they put on a history play about their last king and what happened to him.”

“A history play, like a reenactment?” Isa tried not to scrunch up her face. “I mean sure. How much are tickets?”

“My treat,” said Mery. “Dinner is included, so there’s that. It’s quite a feast.”

“It sounds fun. Really. Do I have time to wash up before? I hate to say this aloud, but I don’t remember the last real bath I had.”

“Well you are in luck because Cooper’s is known for their bathhouse. Takes up the whole basement.”

“Really? OK, that’s great.” Isa looked around the room. “Do I undress down there or….?”

“Yeah, I’ll show you. It’s a bit unusual,” said Mery. “They made these extra large barrels - big enough for 2 or 3 people - and they fill them with steaming water from a hot springs. It’s the most wonderful feeling to stretch out in the hot water. You’ll love it.”

“Do they have individual ones? I - I’m a very private person.”

“Oh sure. Don’t you worry. You can have your own barrel.”

***

An hour later, Isa was dressed in her other shirt, her leather pants, boots, and jacket. “I’m not exactly overdressed. Is that OK? I mean, in Portland this would be perfect for the opera - well, minus the sword I guess. But I just, I don’t have many clothes and--”

“Hush,” Mery said. “You look fine. I’m the same. And for The Last King of the Halflings, you might have overdone it.” She laughed. “It’s not opera. Well, no, it is a little bit. It’s a little bit of everything. I haven’t seen it performed in several years. And each cycle, each cast is different.”

They arrived at a large well-lit tavern called “Springheel’s”. A stream of very short people entered when they did. “We’re just on time, then,” said Mery. “It pays to get a good seat. Lots of good sword fights. And the food is better up front.” Mery pushed her way through the throng of people who, to Isa looked like children playing dress up. Mery said something else about the food, but it was lost to Isa as the murmurs of the crowd increased.

Ahead Isa saw a long table perpendicular to the stage. There were a few seats together, and Mery sat down and put a hand on the seat beside her. They were 4 seats in from the stage. “This is perfect. Those folks,” Mery gestured with 2 fingers toward the halflings closer to the stage, “will take the brunt of any food. Unless this lot,” she gestured to the people sitting beyond them, “gets rowdy.”

“Food?” Isa looked at the tables around them. “Are we the only humans?” She lowered her voice. “I mean, that’s cool, I guess. I just feel really big.”

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“The Last King is popular with everyone. And why not? Singing, dancing, fighting.” Mery counted on her fingers. “Romance and intrigue. Audience participation. Dinner.”

“Wait, what? Did you say audience participation? I don’t know anything--”

“I told you that’s why I wanted a good seat. They love newcomers. Don’t worry; it’s easy.”

“You’re a bard, a trained actor. I’m not!” In her panic, Isa started to rise, but a gong sounded suddenly; the lights went out, and Mery grabbed her arm.

From the dark stage came a light and high voice. “Welcome all ye gentlefolk to this our humble cycle play.” A guitar strum sounded. A different voice said, “The bards they sing of love and woe, as if mere words could make it so.” Strum. “But what we play for you tonight, it is no lordly, grand delight.” Strum-strum. A third voice said, “Blood and battle, betrayal and broken bonds. Deceit! Good people, lies and love long lost.” Strum-strum-strum. And then the first voice spoke again as the lights came up and showed a table laden with food and drink. Several halflings in finery sat around the table. They began to eat and drink.

“Servers at the ready! The feast is laid; the king approaches!” With that, a swarm of halflings bearing trays of food descended on the audience. Soon everyone was eating and drinking, like the actors on stage.

And so began the strangest theater experience Isa had ever had. There was of course the feasting, and Mery hadn’t lied - food was thrown at the stage and from it. But there were moments of pomp as the king addressed his subjects, and moments of suspense as rebels plotted against the king. High-minded speeches from the hero, and boos from the audience as the villain laid out his plots. The king, for his part, seemed more hapless than conniving. More of a buffon than an evil despot.

There also was a love triangle, if Isa’s memory was correct, but by the time that plot twist appeared, they were 3 hours into the play, which showed no signs of being done, and Isa was on her 3rd or 4th mug of ale. And sure enough, several audience members had been hauled on stage to dance, or sing, or in one case, hold up a sheet while the king sat behind it on his royal toilet.

As they left the tavern, Isa said to Mery, “But why is is called The Last King? He was sitting on the throne at the end of the play!”

“No-no,” said Mery. “That was his twin brother. And he abdicated a week later, when the castle ran out of mead.”

Isa laughed. “Are you making that up?” She light jabbed Mery in the arm. “That’s not true!”

Mery hooked Isa’s arm through her own and leaned over. “I’ll tell you a secret, if you promise not to tell.” Her breath was hot on Isa’s cheek.

Isa turned toward Mery and kissed her. It was just a peck, but then it became a full kiss. Isa reached up and put her hand on Mery’s shoulder. She could feel people pushing past them. A few grumbled, and a few hooted.

When they finally broke the kiss Mery said, “Why haven’t we been doing that all along?”

“I don’t know.” Isa smiled. “Maybe because we had a thousand halflings watching us?”

“Unlike now.” Mery gestured to the people still coming out of the tavern. She looked up at the sky. “Lovely night.”

“Let’s go back to your room,” Isa said quietly. She felt more than a little drunk, but that made her feel bold, too. “I’ve wasted a lot of time, time that I could have been naked with you. Let’s rectify that.”

“I know a shortcut!” Mery threw her arm over Isa’s shoulder.

But it wasn’t faster. They stopped several times to kiss, and once in a shadowy doorway, things almost got out of hand. Isa pushed one of her legs between Mery’s and leaned in for full body contact. She shifted her hips gently, and Mery sighed with pleasure. “Not that I’m against a good fuck up against a wall, but that’s the hall right there.” Mery pointed down the street.

Isa began to laugh. “I guess I can wait 5 minutes.”