Chapter 19

She looked at the tall mirror. The mirror was telling her that she grew tall after so many years. The color of her eyes and her hair hadn’t changed yet. It seemed nothing had changed all these years but her height. Only one thing might have changed—a line close to the edge of her lips that hadn’t been there for a long time. How long had it been? A year? Two? Three? Or perhaps more? It felt so strange to have it there. It felt like she was occupying someone else’s skin. Now what did she feel like? Sad? Melancholy? Unfazed perhaps? So what if she didn’t have that before? It wasn’t like she broke any law. What was this face she had now? Doubtful? For what? Was she that big of a deal as she thought she was? So what if other boys asked her out except the one who never asked again? What would she say if he asked her out? This time, she would say yes in a heartbeat, or would she? Trust. She didn’t know the meaning of it. To whom could she trust? Her mom? Involuntarily, she touched her hair and rubbed her arms. Meanwhile, her eyes stood out and glared. Her brother? She touched her forehead. She looked at her broken finger that had been healed for years now, but the phantom pain was still there. Her sister? Who betrayed her in so many ways? For what? To be the precious girl in that messed-up family? Or maybe to reduce the attention of others toward her? Her neighbor? All of a sudden, she felt sick. There was turmoil inside her. It was like her organs weren’t that happy to be in that place anymore. They wanted to move around. Even her weight seemed unbearable. The big gulp she took in hope that it would help. Now the tears were coming down. She wiped it as if she could wipe the memory with it. However, it didn’t stop them from coming down. She got angry, frustrated, scared; all the feelings, all the emotions were attacking her simultaneously. What was she frustrated for? Oh yes, for how long did she have to carry that burden around? Why was it shadowing her all the time? Where could she find solace and tranquility? By trusting someone else? How many times had her hand been burned from the same fire? Trust wasn’t a good thing in her life. It tormented her. It left scars in her body to remind her over and over again of the price she had to pay for it. Maybe this time was different. Wasn’t that what she told herself before getting into big trouble again? Now she saw her tall body was getting blurry. The solution was easy for that problem. If she didn’t want to see her tears again, she shouldn’t trust anyone. Was this a difficult lesson for her?

“Are you all right?” Cara asked her.

She is the problem. Before her, my path was clear. She was the one who gave me the habit of trusting. She was totally the opposite of my character. It is probably because she didn’t have my life. She had the things that I only dreamed of, but was it her fault she wasn’t traumatized like me? Maybe that’s what I aimed to have. A simple life, a boring life like hers. In a dreamy world, being hurt means not having that specific person in her life, not the opposite way. What is it that I want from my life? A good companion who will help me raise a child or two? A Fanciful house I grew up imagining? The friends I choose to have? Was her life as difficult as mine? We never talked about our past. Why talk about the history when there were so many juicy boys walking around now? According to my memory, whenever I tried to know my friend’s past, she showed disinterest. It wasn’t like I was all for it when it was about my past too, she thought to herself.

“Marina, is everything okay?” she asked again and approached her like she was approaching a wild and scared animal. She only nodded to her friend in the hope that she would drop the subject. If anything, she learned from her life that she could never ask for anything in her life. Ask whom for it?

“Marina?” Cara said diligently. She could see the concern in her eyes, not that kind of concern to see how much damage she caused in her body and might cause her trouble. She could tell the difference. Her friend was a sweetheart and oblivious to the danger around her. That trusting nature of hers could be used against her. They would use it for mockery, calling her stupid for trusting. Trust in her world was a luxury, something to have to feel better about life. But it wasn’t necessary for her life. What was the point of having it? But her friend was like a stupid chicken going through any den, let alone one where there could be a family of foxes living there, whose lunch or supper just walked in by its own feet. Even though she could never have her trusting nature for herself, she liked to be around her.

“What is it, Marina? Why do you look at me like that? Did something happen?” Her friend almost begged her.

“It is nothing.”

“Yes, there is. Tell me, what is it?” Cara said like a good friend she was. “Is it about your dress? Are you nervous about your dress?”

With that, Marina started laughing and hugged her dear friend tightly.

“You are acting weird. You know that, right?” she said while she hugged back her friend.

“I hope you don’t act like that in front of him. This time, you may lose him forever. It’s not that it’s that big of a deal, but as a good friend as I am, I can’t see you again heartbroken. Probably he is going to be over the moon for his surprise party, and that is your chance to do whatever you want to do with him.” She had a sly smile on when she said that. “Grab that stubborn bull by his horns.” She showed by grabbing the imaginary horn. “And lead him wherever you want him to go. Give him one of those beautiful smiles of yours. Don’t be so cringey around him. You know the drill. Make him feel like the king of the world, and once the dust settles, do whatever you want to do with him. There is . . . ,” she continued telling her friend the proper way to deal with these kinds of people. She was happy to be a great help to her friend in need. What would Marina do without her? She was hopeless like a puppy. Cara looked at her friend and liked what she saw.

Marina took a deep breath, and while looking at herself again in the mirror, just by having her friend on that picture, those strange lines appeared around her lips. She didn’t know what her friend was talking about anymore, but she didn’t want to interrupt her. That way, everything was going to be about Cara, not her. She didn’t like to talk, and Cara would do that for her happily.

“Do you think he’ll ignore me again?” Marina asked with a concerned voice. Cara, who wasn’t happy that her dear friend didn’t let her finish her thoughts and advice, forgave her this once because her beautiful friend was insecure about herself. Had she ever seen herself in a mirror to see how beautiful she looked? Who, aside from that guy, wouldn’t want to be with her? Just look at her. It was solid evidence that God or the universe, whoever runs the show, was biased when making her friend, and he had the least attention when he was making her. Her friend didn’t know what to do with that. If it were up to Cara, all the boys would be chasing her. The world wasn’t fair at all in her eyes.

“I swear to God, if he pulls one of this kind of shit again, he won’t survive the night, let alone to see his next birthday. What kind of upbringing did he have to act like that? Thinking the world revolves around him? I swear, if he pulls such a thing, I won’t forgive him at all. Why? I’m serious. Why he does that? Does he want to prove a point? I don’t know who he has been with before that put his head in the cloud. He thinks he is a big shot. A big shot? What do you think if we call him Mr. Big Shot in front of him? I just want to see his reaction . . . ,” her friend continued talking about him. It was an interesting thing that her friend forgot that it was her rudeness that made this situation. What’s wrong if someone has dignity and wants to keep it? Is it wrong to have self-respect? What would she know about it? It wasn’t like she had been brought up to it. Anything that she knew was superficial. There was no depth to it. It lacked all the wisdom. What could she do about that?

Her friend was still badmouthing the poor guy. Whatever, she thought. If I let her empty herself, maybe that way, she feels less about her insecurities.

She looked around at her dorm. There was nothing special about it. It was a dorm like any other. It was small and dingy. They purposefully made them for students to study and sleep.

“I don’t want to think about it, Cara. I get nervous even thinking about it,” Marina said and hoped for the best.

“Everything is going to be all right. Don’t you be worried about that. I have a feeling that everything is going to work out perfectly,” Cara replied. Marina could only smile about it. It was the same feeling she had when her friend put herself out there, to tease and flirt with the guy only to find out that he wasn’t interested in any other girls at the university.

His friends, on the other hand, were happy to gain a hand in the matter. They offered to be her boyfriend if she wanted to. It was such a flattery for her friend that she was going on about it for a week. She even teased Marina as well. However, what bothered Marina the most was the reason behind why he didn’t acknowledge her feeling. How was that possible? A minute he was that sensitive guy every girl dreamed of, and another minute he changed his attitude around 180 degrees. Ignoring all people around him made her wonder if he was blind or simply thickheaded. What was the reason behind his behavior?

Whenever she went to talk about an assignment or a project that their professor gave them, she could see by her own eyes the indifferent look he gave back to her and how he was distancing himself from her. The way other girls threw themselves on him, all that smiling when they approached him, all the laughing for the things that weren’t meant to be funny, all the touching of his biceps and chest, nothing seemed to faze him. He returned the favor with an unflattering smile. His friends, on the other hand, were all for it. Their new ploy was to invite as many girls as possible for the surprise party they planned for him. That poor guy didn’t even know that they were using him for their purpose, or maybe it was her suspicious mind that wouldn’t trust anyone. It was possible that his friends cared about him. Possibly, she had been harsh on them. Still and all, any doubts she had, it was gone the moment her friend came to the same conclusion. She pointed out how shameless they were. Cara, the most trusting girl and sweetheart, could tell, but that guy was so gullible that he couldn’t tell. It could be that he was blind to all that, or perhaps he just didn’t care. Why would he? It wasn’t his business to tell people what to do. They were all the same age, more or less. But why? Why hang out with those people? Couldn’t he find better and more befitting people to hang out with?

“What are you thinking now?” Cara Asked.

“Oh, nothing specific. I think we should keep moving if we want to arrive before the birthday boy.”

“That’s my girl. What do you think about my dress?”

“It’s as beautiful as you are.”

“Can you help me with my hair? How does my hair look like from behind?”

“Oh, it’s perfect. I should change to another dress, don’t you think? The one-piece one.”

“Really, do you think I should change too? But I don’t know to what,” Cara said.

“Anyway, I don’t think you need to. Half the people are watching your figure. The other half are imagining you naked,” Cara said it as a matter of fact, but it made Marina split her sides laughing.

“You and your dirty mind.”

“What? I’m telling you as it is.”

“Okay, okay, we should keep moving.”

“All right, all right, let’s go.”

They hurriedly went one after the other. In the street, they got a ride from a black cab. After giving the direction and address, they took a deep breath, like preparing themselves for a deep dive.

The sky was cloudy. A patch of rays was coming through from here and there. Some shops started turning on their neon lights. The traffic wasn’t accommodating. They were afraid to arrive there late.

They arrived there late, almost thirty minutes late than they planned to. At the entrance, the guy looking out for the arrival of the birthday boy greeted them. The way he was looking at them was obnoxious, to say the least, but they masked their unpleasant feeling by smiling. Marina told herself that she wasn’t there for him or the others. Her eyes were already looking for the one and only one she came for. There were so many girls at the party. Some of them had already started dancing and drinking.

The apartment itself was mint and beautiful. It was in a vibrant neighborhood. It looked like one typical rich kid who was brought up by a silver spoon. There was no reason to think otherwise. Still, she couldn’t understand how he didn’t get spoiled. Did he get whatever he wanted from his family? She couldn’t argue that he was smart. To be propertied, astute, good-looking, sightly, empathic, kindhearted and altruistic, top drawer in music and drawing, sensitive, and modest are the qualities that every girl can only dream of. Be that as it may, he behaved like he didn’t have any of it. He was always trying to be helpful rather than ordering people around. Always busy doing something, running from a department to another, and having books in one hand and a pile of paper on the other, he seemed to be tapped on an unlimited source of energy. What was his motive? Why does he work so hard?

There were so many questions that she wanted to ask him. If he would answer any of them was another matter. Was he that mysterious by nature, or was he just doing it to hide from something? All the seats were taken already. Some people, while holding glasses of drinks, were chitchatting with one another. The food, if they call it food, was half eaten—pizza slices in boxes and on one used plate. Chips and dips were on the table, which was accompanied by soft drinks. The table was small, so the party planner tried his best to put as much of everything as he could put on the table until there was no space for anything else.

“It’s crazy and deranged,” Cara observed.

“It is. I think we just made it in time,” Marina responded.

“Yes, we didn’t need to be that stressed. See, everything is fine,” Cara said. It was as if she were comforting herself rather than explaining the situation. By understanding that, Marina just nodded her head for reassuring rather than conforming.

“Glad to see you here.” It was from that guy with curly and funny hair. She remembered he also asked her out. She couldn’t be much happier to say no to someone like him. After observing him from afar and how he was acting, she was sure she had made the right choice. Corwin. She didn’t care much about him. He thought that he was a smooth talker or tried to portray himself that way. However, she didn’t buy any of it.

“Really, thank you. I assume that he hasn’t shown up yet?” Cara said enthusiastically.

“No, I am not sure where he is now, but he should be here anytime now,” he responded. Marina felt perturbed with the way he grinned. She could guess what he was thinking, and it wasn’t good.

“Thank you for inviting us. It has been ages that we saw anything that didn’t look like our dorm,” Cara explained nonchalantly.

“Sure, it was hectic all over the place. So many assignments, so many tests, so much to do that made everyone go bonkers, unless that person is Agustin. I swear, this guy is a masochist. I don’t know how long he can keep up doing this.” His remarks on subjects sounded more like bitterness rather than friendly concern. What was his angle for badmouthing his friend? More importantly, why does he use so much cologne? She didn’t care. If she cared about little things in the world, in her belief, she wouldn’t be able to live at all. The only reason that made her talk to him was to get close to Agustin. Even though he was obnoxious, she could endure it for his sake. Still, she wondered why a person like Agustin would even want to talk to such a person. It was the only fault she could find. How many shortcomings did he have? Was it plenty? Or was it as little as this one? Those disdainful and cold eyes. The way he always tried to put distance between himself and her. He wasn’t even trying to hide the fact. It was like he was yelling in an amplifier to announce that he wasn’t interested in her. Did he hate her that much? Did his pride get so bruised for what happened? She had so many questions to ask.

“He is here!” someone yelled. As if on cue, everyone got quiet. The light was turned off, and as any surprise party custom, people’s expectation was high. For what? She didn’t know. Would he be happy to see any of them? Did he like to be surprised? What if he didn’t like parties and surprises at all? The matter would be worse for her. She was already on his wrong side and didn’t want to make the matter worse. She asked herself why she was thinking so much about him. When did this happen? Since when did she care about what a man thinks? Was it a good thing? Or was she going to regret it again? Whatever her thoughts of men weren’t wrong up to now. Was she going to be proven right again?

The noise of turning the key at the lock made everyone quite dead. The door opened, and the light from the street shone through. The tall and dark postures at the doorway stood out from the background light. He turned on the light.

“Surprise!” everyone cried except the overwhelmed Marina.

The light was turned off again. The door and the shadow disappeared in the darkness. Some started protesting by making unsatisfied noises. It didn’t take too long before the tenebrous figure reappeared and turned on the light again. This time, everyone cheered.

“That’s one way to respond,” Cara said. Marina just inclined. She was more curious about whether she and her friend were welcomed there, and as a habit of hers, she began overthinking the whole situation.

So far, he was smiling and greeting. She wondered if he did the same for her. Her answer came shortly when he noticed her. His eyes locked to hers. It was like she was thrown to another dimension where passing time was different than where they were. For the outsider, it would be a few seconds, but for her, it was an eternity. Those curious and beautiful eyes made her shiver. She felt he could see her naked soul and take in whatever happened to her in the past. She felt so little in front of those heavy eyes. She smiled to show her surrender, and he smiled back to show his acceptance of her concede.

Not much time passed that he disappeared to his room. Marina was about to scream for this unfairness. Why did he do that to her? He acted like a twisted, sadistic person who enjoyed seeing people in pain. What did he want from her? Wasn’t her humiliation enough for him? What else did he want from her?

She was almost ready to burst into tears when she saw him coming out of his room. She was so embarrassed for what she thought. Those were the thoughts of a lunatic, not hers. The answer to her question was easy. He just went inside to change clothes. But why all black?

She observed him when he started thanking people for coming to his birthday. She turned her attention to something else. She didn’t want him to freak out and think he had been under her observation. She looked at the wall, but her thoughts were what he was doing now. It was so difficult not to look in his direction. This game of cat and mouse, all of it, was unfair in her eyes.

Then she noticed the paintings on the walls. Those beautiful paintings were breathtaking. Who painted them? She wouldn’t be surprised to find out it was his painting. She didn’t know much about painting, but she noticed the different styles on display.

There was a painting that she couldn’t make head or tail of, but she couldn’t look away from it. It was an accumulation of different-colored animals. Every space had been used to paint a sort of animal in it. It was so chaotic but prepossessing. As difficult as it was to look away from that painting, she noticed calligraphic writing in the bottom, which blended into the painting. It was the name of the artist, Agustin.

She couldn’t breathe. What the hell was this guy? How much talent did he have? She knew he could draw, but this was on a different level of mastery. Like that night when he started playing the piano, she just got bamboozled. She looked back in his direction before going back to the painting again. What a beautiful combination of colors. It was so dreamy. Then she reviewed other paintings and noticed they were all painted by him. Her heart throbbed as she discovered different styles of his paintings.

“Hey, what are you doing?” Cara asked.

“Nothing, I’m just looking at these paintings,” she replied.

“Are you crazy? He is so close to us, and you are watching some painting?”

Marina was about to protest the unfairness her friend was accusing her, but then she noticed that Agustin was really close to them, and a few people were left before it was their turn to receive his welcome. She was glad that she had a friend named Cara.

Then it was their turn. However, the suspense for Marina was unbearable. The reaction he would have for her being there made her a little bit uncomfortable.

“Hello,” he said.

One word after so many months of not acknowledging her existence. He came and spoke to her. She heard that word more than a thousand times, but this time, it had a different meaning. Exoneration and forgiveness, a new commence and start, and aspiration and hope could be the new meaning of it.

“Hello,” she said shyly. However, she extended her hand for a handshake. Like anything else about him, his touch was different for her. It was so paradoxical. It was firm but dexterous, soft but rough, masculine but gentle, dangerous but safe. It was the same hand that played that piece of music; it was the same hand that painted these paintings. However, where was that roughness coming from? Was he doing some labor job? He just added more mystery to his already mysterious character. The curious look he had, in a way, was amusing. It made her smile. Then she saw he smiled back. After a while, he let go of her hand and turned his attention toward her friend.

“Hello,” he said again.

“Hi,” Cara said and threw herself at him and kissed him on both cheeks. It was funny for Marina, but she didn’t dare to laugh. The stupefied look he gave Cara was priceless. Marina didn’t expect that from her friend, nor did Agustin. However, he continued his courteous approach and thanked her for coming to his birthday. He continued welcoming his guests. Meanwhile, Marina and Cara were talking to each other and giggling for the stupid things they believed they did.

There was a dance, and Cara, without any care, went and danced. Marina, on the other hand, couldn’t dance. She didn’t have enough buzz in her blood to make her careless about what people thought about her dance. There were a few who offered their hands, but she refused. She wasn’t about to make herself silly. They responded to her coldness by throwing up their shoulders to show her that they didn’t care either. If she knew any dance move, she would do it to have some amount of Agustin’s attention. In the middle of the dance circle, there was Agustin, who was dancing with everyone. Boys, girls, it just didn’t matter to him. He wasn’t that good of a dancer, but he was having fun. It sounded like he didn’t care what people thought of him, and for that, he was happy. It was different for Marina. She cared too much, and she was too conscious about any move she made. She wasn’t looking for attention. What she wanted was to get by, to survive. The lesson from the past made sure she stayed on course.

There was always a repercussion for her each time she forgot. The way she looked at Agustin was with envy and jealousy. He looked like an eagle born to ride on winds, and she was grounded on Earth. There he was showing off by flying to where no one else could do. It was so majestic, so beautiful to watch him. How foolish of her to think she had any chance with him. She felt so ashamed of herself for being naive. If she were honest to herself by any case, she would realize that she had nothing to offer him. What was there for her to show? He seemed to be rich, so there goes wealth. Art and music? He had them at a crazy level. Seduce him with intelligence and intellect? He seemed to have them too.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

The more she thought about what she could offer him or anybody, the more she got depressed. It was an impossible situation for her or anybody else, and here she thought why he didn’t acknowledge her existence. Meanwhile, the answer was in front of her all the time. How did she dare defy him? The nerve she had to think to come out of it unscathed. It must feel good to be an idiot. She felt hot; she wanted to throw up. She needed fresh air. She had no idea how long she was in that state. However, she needed fresh air, and she headed toward the balcony. She didn’t check where Cara or Agustin was. To prevent more embarrassment, she went out. She took a deep breath and inhaled in some fresh air and a familiar smell. She looked around and saw that beautiful statue of a human being. He didn’t notice her. Why would he? He just looked to the dark sky and gazed toward the moon. It was so beautiful and breathtaking. The moon was beautiful, and the person who was looking at it was too. Then she remembered the smell of cologne. It was the same cologne his friend used excessively. After that distraction, she turned her attention to him and realized how rude she had been to intrude on his privacy. Even though it tore her apart to lose that moment, she called his name. He turned in her direction. There they were. Those heavy and curious eyes were looking at her again. The uncomfortable feeling was renewed for the second time for her that night. That evening, she felt like a prowler, so she had to ask him if it was okay for her to stay there with him. He had a pleasing smile on his lips when he answered and assured her that he was fine with it. She didn’t know why, but she thought she had to explain herself by being there, and he, as gracious as he was, showed sympathy toward her. He asked her if she enjoyed the party, which she responded by affirmation and thanked him for enduring her existence. He simply brushed off by saying he had nothing to do with it and threw a joke to ease the tension. She took her friend’s advice and laughed at his joke. However, it brought awkwardness. There was a deadly silence between them. Her intuition told her to confess her wrongdoing, and to her surprise, it didn’t make him happy. It made her more puzzled. Putting his hand to his hair to pull them out as frustration of her stupidity made her more ashamed. She felt she couldn’t do anything right. She got frustrated at herself, and yet she wasn’t willing to leave his side. The cold weather was bypassing her skin altogether. She started feeling it in her bones, but she endured it. Who knows how long it would take for him to take leave of the sky and land himself again? He looked at her again to address the issue she brought up. When he answered her, he tried his best not to offend her, and what she perceived was that she should take responsibility for her actions. He was giving her the throne, and she was throwing tantrums and sat in mud. The back-and-forth conversation between them was comical. One tries his best to prove her worth, and the other one is overwhelmed by self-doubt. Even when he confessed his feeling, telling her the story of how he saw her, half of what she heard was that he tried to be nice to her. The other half, she was too happy to listen to anything he was saying, so when he told her he didn’t blame her for her actions, what she heard was that “I forgave you,” and she was too happy to understand the simple meaning of that statement. Agustin, having a different mindset, and Marina, being in awe and aspiration, continued their conversation through the night.

There were good moments as well, like Agustin bringing her his jacket and a cup of tea, but even those sweet moments couldn’t save them for the inevitable.

When he pointed out that he wouldn’t be coming back for the next semester, she crash-landed to reality. It was like someone shook her to wake her up from that dreamy conversation just to see the whole house was on fire.

“What?” she pleaded. She didn’t want to hear the answer. What was there to hear? More excuses? She wanted to shout, to cry, or even to beg. This was a nightmare.

She just wanted to go to her dorm and sleep. Maybe when she woke up, she would see that it was just a nightmare.

There was a longhorn from a car that was screaming for her attention. The driver was asking her to clean the road as if the horn weren’t enough indication. She shouted back in frustration. She yelled. She took a deep breath and screamed from the top of her lungs. The scream came from years of pain. It was always there, and it needed a little bit more to overflow. The pain that fostered itself in years came out as a scream. However, the cars on the roads didn’t care. They honked, and they wanted her to clear the road. Her problems weren’t theirs.

A firm hand lifted her up, and without looking, she started throwing punches. She wanted to gauge out the eyes of the person who dared to touch her. Her eyes were closed when she began slapping and scratching that individual. The thing that brought her back was the familiar smell she had smelled before, that familiar cologne. Now she didn’t want to open her eyes to see who she was hitting all this time. She was mad at the world. This world was too unfair to her. She knew who was carrying her, but she didn’t dare to open her eyes to confirm it. Being embarrassed for what she did, she looped her arms around his neck and buried her shameful face on his chest. She started sobbing, and the flow of her tears didn’t stop.

“I’m going to put you on this bench,” he said so calmly and without hurry. The bench was cold on her skin, but it made her calmer. The hand supporting her back and the other one under her knees were removed ever so gently.

There was silence between her and him. Still, she didn’t dare open her eyes. Then a torrent of questions hit her. It was as if she blacked out or was sleepwalking this whole time. Didn’t she have any sense of how she got there? How did she end up in the middle of the street? Why did she start screaming like a lunatic?

Her night was getting worse by the second. Then she noticed she was still carrying his jacket. She wished she was never born. What was the point of her being alive? she wondered. She could still smell him. He was still sitting there and staying quiet. He didn’t utter a word. Was he angry at her? Who could blame him for it? She couldn’t do worse if she planned to, but here he was, and here she was.

Sooner or later, she had to deal with what she did. Slowly she opened her eyes. It was worse than what she thought; his face was covered in blood. The trace of her nails was a horror show.

She felt so horrible. There wasn’t any word in any dictionary to describe her shame. What could she say or do to undo what she did? Here was his birthday gift from her to him. She looked at him again, and it didn’t get better. She got angry at her tears. Those tears were soothing her, not him. She couldn’t hate herself more than that. He was still sitting there quietly. He didn’t waste even a word on her.

“I’m sorry . . . I’m terribly sorry.” She ended her statement with more sobbing.

“It’s all right,” he said as he patted her back gently. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry,” he said calmly for her sake.

“Please, let us go to a pharmacy or a doctor to look at you.” Then she grabbed the gravity of what she did. If he pressed charges, if they went to the police, her life would be over. Was it adrenaline? Was it stupidity? She just didn’t care anymore. She was ready to meet her doom.

“If it makes you comfortable,” he responded. He tried to smile to reassure her, but it made his face scarier, and her guilty conscience was even more burdensome.

They headed toward a hospital, and during that walk, they said nothing to each other.

“Oh, my dear, are you all right?” an old lady asked when she saw Agustin’s bloody face.

“Yeah, it was a cat that did this. It’s not that serious. I still have my eyes though,” he lied before she could answer.

She felt even more guilty. She wanted Agustin to yell at her or punish her for what she did; that way, she could feel less guilty. However, he answered her by kindness, which was more unbearable. He just made her feel worse about herself. In a moment of clarity, it dawned on her, the mental image she had earlier—him soaring to the sky like an eagle and her only a grounded chicken. Without any shame, what she asked him or wanted him to do was for him to stoop down to her level. For that, she felt more guilty, and it seemed an endless loop she couldn’t get out of. Here she was dreaming about what life could be with him, and she thought to herself that it would be nightmarish. The constant feeling of being in the wrong, mortification, not being good enough would drive her crazier.

For the time being, he was just walking silently beside her, and he had no idea what she was thinking about. They continued their silent walk to the hospital, and there, he was treated by nurses and doctors.

The good news was, it wouldn’t leave a scar. The bad news was, he had to endure it for a while and keep lying about the feral cat.

The doctor was more curious about that cat, and when he was asking about it, he would often look in Marina’s direction. She knew that he knew, and for that, she was more guilt-ridden. The good doctor also asked her if she was unharmed, in which she said she was fine. Then the doctor asked her if she wanted to call the animal control, and he was watching her closely when he said it, but she refused. She didn’t know to be angry at him for all those insinuations or to be relieved that at last someone acknowledged how bad she was.

“Do you want to talk to her privately?” Agustin suggested. What was he thinking? Then it clicked. The good doctor and the nurse thought that he forced himself on her. She got offended for not even being acknowledged that she was the problem, not him. What was it with this guy that tormented her nonstop, even though it wasn’t him doing it?

This whole sad macabre seemed to be unfair.

“Do you want us to go to another room?” the nurse suggested. To shut down any bad rumors, she agreed to it. In an instant, they were in the other room; the nurse turned to her with concern.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yes,” she replied.

“Are you sure? Don’t you want me to check you out?” she asked politely.

“If it puts your mind at ease,” she replied. She was angry at them for being stupid. How the hell did they turn the table around? She was the culprit and at fault, and what they came out with was, he was trying to rape her. Not only that, but she had also been that dense that she just walked in with him like a stupid girl in love. They associated her with one of those tragic girls who didn’t want to get out of an abusive relationship.

“Who did this to you?” the nurse asked. Marina just wanted the Earth to open its mouth and swallow her up. She totally forgot about her old scars, the scars that her mom left on her, and now they think he did it to her.

“My mom did it, not him, and for your information, it was me who clawed him like that while he was trying to remove me from the middle of the street safely. Any more questions?” she blurted out.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense,” she apologized.

“It’s not me who you should say sorry,” Marina responded. The nurse just nodded.

“It was his birthday today, and my gift to him was this,” she said to no one and showed her bloody fingernails.

“Ask me why,” Marina demanded it. The poor nurse had to comply.

“Because he wants to study somewhere else. We weren’t even in any relationship. He never talked to me until tonight, and this is how I repay him. He gave me this jacket so that I wouldn’t feel cold, and what did I do? I tried to take out his eyes.” She burst into tears. “If that wasn’t bad enough, I just made him look suspicious.”

“How could you?” she accused the hapless nurse. The nurse’s eyes were bulging out.

“It’s all right. Don’t worry.” The nurse tried to be sympathetic; however, that simple sentence couldn’t be said in a worse time or place. It set her off. Marina, who felt so guilty already and was under tremendous pressure, started screaming while holding her hands on her ears. She was screaming at the unjust world. She was wailing at the ineptitude of humanity. She bellowed at the punishment her mom did to her. She yelled to tell the world that she had had enough. She cried out for her guilty conscience. She screamed because she was at the end of her rope.

When she opened her eyes, she saw many anxious eyes looking back at her. The nurse was far away from her with her frightened eyes. The doctor and Agustin were in the room. The security staff was watching her closely. She couldn’t be more embarrassed. In a momentary madness, she thought dying wasn’t a bad option.

Agustin came close to her slowly. He put his hands on her shoulder.

“I’m ready to go if you are,” he said it with such calmness and care that her worries and uncertainties evaporated. She just nodded her head, and he took her out while she was in his embrace. She hid her head inside his chest. He led them outside the hospital.

Still, he didn’t talk. He just walked as she walked. There was no rush. There were no dragging feet. He just walked at her speed. All this craziness and he didn’t even ask the reason behind it.

“I’m sorry,” she said with lots of shame. Then she felt he pressed her arm gently to acknowledge her sadness.

“Please, say something,” she begged.

After a long silence and consideration, he said, “You didn’t know that it was me who tried to help you. Your eyes were closed. I just couldn’t wait for you to open your eyes. I had to do something. I hope you understand,” he said calmly. Did he feel guilty for helping her? She was baffled.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t your fault,” she protested.

“Thank you,” he replied. Did he give up, or did he just not care? Which one was it? She couldn’t decide which one was worse.

He didn’t talk, and she was deep in thought. What kind of game was he playing?

“Why did you say thank you?” she insisted on it.

“I hope you don’t take that in the wrong way. I only said it because I felt you cared about me and what I think,” he responded. Was he serious? She was perplexed. Anyone with the right mind would run away. How crazy was he?

“I see my answer wasn’t that good. What I tried to say was thank you for choosing me as your friend,” he said at last. She couldn’t believe her ears. He was thanking her for being his friend. She looked at him in incredulity. It made her wonder who the crazy one was in here—couldn’t hide the heinous act she did to him.

Over and over again, she was asking herself, What did she do? Why did he still want to be her friend?

“Do you know any restaurants?” he asked politely.

“No, I am sorry,” she answered. She thought to herself that maybe he was high on drugs. She saw that too many times, and she didn’t like it. Even though it was her fault to begin with, yet she didn’t want to see him high.

“Did they drug you?” she had to ask.

“No. They didn’t need to,” he answered simply. He continued sauntering side by side. The sound of shoes was echoing through the night. She bundled herself with that black jacket he had given her earlier. She let herself be closer to him; however, her head was still down. She was grateful for his generosity and his craziness. Nothing about him was normal.

“Don’t you want to know why I did it?” she asked.

He looked at her, and she looked at him. “My father taught me that I should rein in my curiosity when it comes to people,” he explained simply.

“And you always listen to your father?” she asked.

He smiled and answered, “Me being here and studying in this university means not always. However, he doesn’t tell me what to do all the time, only when his wisdom and age is needed.” His answer was simple but enough for her. She got a little bit envious of him. She wondered how her life would be if she had a father. She noticed again that he didn’t ask about her father or her family. Even though earlier he explained to her about his curiosity, she was bothered by it. She wanted him to ask about her life, and she would tell him everything. She wouldn’t skip a tiny little thing. Nevertheless, he never asked, and she didn’t speak. In her eyes, it wasn’t something to brag about.

People passing by them were stealing a look or two just to see if they could understand what happened. Marina noticed that Agustin was ignoring all those looks. He just kept moving forward with certainty.

“I’m a bit tired. Can we go someplace and talk?” Marina asked.

“Sure, let’s get something to eat, and we can go someplace to talk. I think going to the park would be a good idea,” he responded.

She wasn’t sure what he meant by eating something. She worried he would take them to a restaurant or someplace crowded. She wanted to object but kept her tongue to herself. That feeling that she was responsible for all the bad things that happened that night was still looming over her head.

To her surprise, he went to the convenience store, bought some mixed nuts, a few soft drinks, and water.

“I forgot to ask if you have any allergies. Sorry,” he said gently.

“It’s fine. I don’t have any allergy,” she explained.

“I didn’t like the other stuff. They were either too sugary or too fatty,” he said innocently.

“No problem there. Thank you for your consideration,” she responded. She wasn’t thinking about her diet. She just wanted to get through the night, yet she wanted to be with him. She was afraid that in the morning, there wouldn’t be any friendship. The whole night was unreal.

They found a bench in the park. He took out his jacket and laid it down on the bench for her to sit on. She sat there not knowing what to say. He opened the jar and put it between himself and her. He also opened the bottle of water and put them on each side of the jar.

“Thank you,” she thanked him.

“You’re welcome,” he obliged.

She didn’t know how to start a conversation, and he wasn’t any help either. He just sat there and watched the movement of trees.

“I’m not good at breaking the ice,” she confessed.

“How do you do it?” she asked.

“Do what?” he countered.

“Doing this, like nothing happened,” she explained.

“Can I think about your question and get back to you?” he asked. He looked deep in the sky and waited.

“Sure,” she agreed. She looked at the sky as well.

“I wouldn’t say that I’m indifferent. I just don’t have enough information to act upon. One moment, we were talking . . .” He looked at her and asked for her permission to revisit that memory. She nodded. “And then I saw you running out of the door. It made me wonder if the news of me moving away had anything to do with it. How come it disturbed you? I came after you and called you many times, but you didn’t hear me at all, I guess. Then I saw you in danger, and I tried to help you.” He looked at her again as if to ask for another permission. She nodded again. She felt unsettled about what came after that. He just smiled to reassure her that he didn’t take any of that personally. “When I was there, I just couldn’t sit it out. I had to do something when I saw you like that. From there, I just hang around to see if you need more assistance. I’m glad that I was there when we were at the hospital. Again, I don’t have information about what happened there. Over there, it was just another instinct that made me take you out. I thought you weren’t happy being there.” He looked at her again. She felt worse. Was he babysitting her? She didn’t dare to say that out loud after all he had done. It would just show how ungrateful she was.

“I’m sorry for all that,” she divulged. She was getting tired of herself for saying that all night. She couldn’t blame him for any of that. He looked at her and shook his head to protest the statement she made.

“You misunderstood me. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad. I just feel that I’m somehow connected to all of this, even though I don’t understand my involvement,” he said honestly.

She understood what he tried to say. Did she have any feelings for him? That was his question. He just asked her without asking her. What could she say? She couldn’t just admit her feelings after what she had done. It would come out as pathetic and crazy, but she couldn’t hang him dry either.

“I have to say that I’m sorry again. I just can’t tell you tonight,” she said apologetically. She saw the disappointment in his eyes. She was the perpetrator in here, but he was getting punished for it. She was the one who acted crazy and made a scene. She was the one who asked him about his inner thought. After all that, she just told him sorry as if it would solve anything or even tell how miserable she felt for all that. He didn’t say anything.

There was a crunching sound of nuts under his teeth. He clapped his hands to clean the nuts’ residue from his hands. Then with the back of his hand, he tried to remove the rest of the remnant from his shirt and pants.

To her eyes, this simple act was done handsomely. She just wanted to watch him all night, even if it meant watching him eat nuts. When he noticed that she was watching him, he smiled and looked away. She knew that he was waiting for her either to lend an ear for listening or take a taxi to send her back to her dorm. She wasn’t ready to leave his side, so she waited.

“Are you all right? Don’t you need one of these jackets?” she asked after a while.

“I’m fine. I’m just looking at the sky. I think I know what I want to paint now,” he said like a wondrous soul.

“I saw your painting earlier. They are beautiful.” She remembered. She also remembered that she didn’t mention that earlier when he talked about the sky as a canvas. He looked at her and nodded.

“When I paint, I’m not looking to capture a moment. I’ll look for the right feeling. In this color of the sky, I’m looking at a mysterious feeling. I don’t know what it is,” he commented. It was as if she knew what he was talking about, but she didn’t. She knew he would answer her if she asked him, but she didn’t. A feeling told her that she shouldn’t.

“I had a different plan when I came to your party. I had so many questions to ask, but I think I ruined that as well,” she said instead.

“Ask away. Tonight, I’m in the mood to answer any questions,” he said while looking at the sky.

“Why did you choose this university?”

“Because my heart was broken, and I wanted to stay away from that place and people.” He looked down and then looked at her eyes. He was looking for something, but she didn’t know what. “I may have deceived you into thinking I’m brave, but I am not. I am a coward. I break easily,” he admitted. She couldn’t believe what she heard. He was telling her his secrets offhandedly. She was wondering if she should ask who it was, but she decided against it. She thought it would be fair if he asked her something private. Since he didn’t, she didn’t bother either.

“Earlier, you said that you wanted to be my friend. Do you still feel the same after what happened tonight?” she asked cautiously.

“The moment that I decided to get to know you, I accepted all the outcomes—your behavior in the past outweighs what you did tonight. I think you just had a bad night. You and everyone else are allowed to have that. I won’t judge you or anyone else for that,” he said simply. It was assuring and a threat at the same time. How the hell did he do that? She deciphered the meaning behind it, which was that he had scope for being patient; push him more than that, he wouldn’t treat that person the same, and he would change his type of friendship the way he saw fit.

“Why did you say No to Cara?” she asked him.

“Your friend? If she wanted to be my only friend, I wouldn’t have any objections, but she wanted something that I couldn’t give her,” he answered honestly. She was afraid to ask him the next question, but she had to.

“What do you feel about me? Do you want me to be in the same group as your other friends?” She pulled the bandage.

“What? What do you mean?” he asked, but the line between his eyebrows was telling her he wasn’t happy about it.

She knew it was ungrateful of her to say such a thing, but if he was about honesty. Why shouldn’t she come clean as well? “Your friends, I am talking about your friends. They do all sorts of things, and they aren’t afraid to even use your name. Do you think anyone with the right mind wants to be close to them?” she asked and waited for a response.

“They just like to hang around me. I don’t spend much time with them. However, you forced me to defend them because you are talking behind them. Do I see what they do? Yes. Am I going to do something about it? No,” he answered firmly. She was astounded by the sudden anger in his voice.

“What do you mean? That you just don’t care?” she asked. If he acted like that, it would be much easier for her to forget him. As she guessed, he was just like any other man.

“It means I don’t preach, telling people what to do and what not to do. If they ask for help, I’ll help them if I can. I think that we have enough judgmental people in this world. I just don’t want to add myself to it,” he answered patiently and firmly. She couldn’t wrap her head around what he tried to tell her. It sounded more like an excuse to her.

On the one hand, he told her being with him was an honor, and on the other hand, he befriended these kinds of people. She thought about the hypocrisy this guy had but didn’t tell him that. What she missed was that he disagreed with what they do.

She stood up and threw out the Jacket that was wrapped around her. “I wished that we never talked to each other. The image I had in my head was different than this. I wish you luck.” She didn’t expect any comeback from that. She thought she burned the bridge between them.

“I wish next time we see each other, you’ll be more understanding of what I’ve said today,” he responded.

She started walking away when she noticed that he was following her. She wanted to shout at him, but instead, with lots of self-control, she asked him what he wanted now.

“I’ll just follow you safely to your cab,” he said calmly.

“You think you are a good person by acting like that?”

“It is not an act. I care about your safety.”

“Really? Why do I get the feeling it is for another reason?” What she meant was that he wanted to have sex with her. Agustin understood it clearly.

“I’ll assure you it isn’t that.”

“Why do you care what happens to me then? I thought you didn’t care.”

“You simply misunderstood me. When I said I wouldn’t propagate to anyone, it is that I don’t see myself as wiser than everyone, which is true. I can’t dictate to people how to live their lives. My way of understanding the world is different than yours and many others. I have my morals, but they are limited to myself. Maybe some people chose this path before, but it doesn’t mean my path is the only right one,” he said patiently.

“If your friends touched me, what would you do?” she asked.

“I’ll stop them if it means to put my life in danger, but not before I know you need my help,” he answered.

“What do you mean ‘Not before I ask for help’? How do you know I need help?” she asked.

“By simply asking for help,” he responded.

What kind of stupid or convoluted mind does he have? She thought. What if someone puts a hand in front of my mouth or if they knocked me unconscious, what then? She thought and asked him the same question.

“In that situation, I’ll consider that a consent from your part for me to help you out,” he answered.

“Is it that difficult for you to know right from wrong in one glance?” she asked.

“Assumption brought many countries to needless wars. Your assumption before this conversation was that I had no morals. How did you feel when you had that assumption? What do you feel after knowing about my morals and what I stand for?” he asked.

She knew it was a rhetorical question, so she ignored it. She was still angry at the earlier confrontation, so she walked toward the street to catch a cab. She was mad at herself. She was mad at him. It was as if she wanted to compromise the excellent image she had of him. That way, it would be easier to forget him.

The cold breeze on her skin made her chill. She was rubbing her hands to her arms. Then she noticed she didn’t have her purse with her. Could she be more stupid? Then the calm feeling that Agustin was with her found a way into her heart. She hated herself for that. He was right. The assumption only brought troubles. Before all this, she assumed she would have a wonderful time with him, but now that she knew he wouldn’t be in that university, she didn’t know what to feel.

“I’m not like this all the time,” she said innocently. She didn’t know why she said it, but Marina felt she needed to defend her image.

“It is one of those nights that everything goes against you,” he sympathized.

“Thank you for your understanding,” she said calmly and shamefully.

“I wish my best friend had given me this understanding. Fortunately for you, I learned from that experience,” he said while continuing to walk.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asked.

“His name is Marshal. I bet you would have liked him. He is a nice guy,” he said with a sad tone.

“I bet I would,” she agreed. Then they continued walking.

The streetlight was shining on her. A few taxis passed them by, but she didn’t raise her hand for any of them. She had no money, and she didn’t dare to ask for it. She was hungrily looking at the black jacket that Agustin was carrying. He didn’t offer his coat back. He just walked with it.

“You forgot the nuts,” she said.

“Food for other animals at least,” he said without looking in her direction.

“Are you angry at me?”

“I don’t know,” he answered and was still not looking.

For a few hours, she forgot how he ignored her all those times, and those memories hit her hard. Did she want him to ignore her like this? At least she wouldn’t be heartbroken if he left.

There was a decision to make—either pretend that this night never happened or enjoy the little time that they have together.

“Agustin, please don’t ignore me anymore,” she said that and came closer to him. She took that extra jacket. She put the coat on and took one of his arms and put his arm around her shoulder. That way, she could snuggle herself into his space. “I’m angry at you too,” she said at last.

Agustin chuckled and pressed her closer to himself.