Chapter 17

The tiny thing, which looked like a ping-pong ball with an odd shape, kept growing in my hands like a snowball. It was growing too fast. In a few seconds, it became so huge that it buried me alive. I couldn’t hold it anymore. It was too big and heavy for me. After I was buried under it and died, I revived again to experience it all over again. No matter how many times it happened, it felt fresh, and the experience was as horrible as before.

I can’t recall how many times that nightmare came to me, but I remember even after waking up from it, in consciousness, it kept happening to me. Teeth clenching and body shivering came after it too. I felt cold to my bones.

Even though the whole world was cycling around me like a carousel and made me imbalanced and dizzy, It didn’t stop me from getting out of the room. I could still feel the weight in my hands. The imaginary odd-shaped ball was still there and kept growing and killing me over and over again.

I came out of the room. The light was on in the living room, and I saw my father was doing some paperwork. Some luck at last, I thought.

My throat was so dry that it felt like a piece of bone or fork was scraping it or someone was pouring hot metal into my mouth forcefully. I felt helpless. I headed downstairs, and by that, my father noticed me. He looked up from his papers and looked at me. He didn’t like what he saw. He frowned out of concern.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Good,” an alien voice, even for me, came out of my mouth. I felt like I was talking through the strangling hands of a murderer.

I headed straight to the kitchen. I opened the fridge, and there it was—the holy water. I topped the glass and drank it whole like a frantic person who hadn’t had any for many days. My thirst wasn’t satisfied. I poured another one and drank it as fast as I could. It soothed my throat. Then I noticed the sweat that was coming down my head. I felt the sweat on my eyebrows. I wiped it with my sleeve. I walked back to the living room. I liked the light because it forced me to stay awake, but I was too tired to stand up or stay awake, so I crawled to my father’s side and lay down on the couch. I put my head on his lap; it felt strange and weird.

When I was a kid, I used to do that a lot when I had nightmares and fevers. Somehow, being on his side with his strong hand on my head, I felt comfortable and safe from the monsters in my head, but now I felt estranged. I felt I was too big doing that now, but I was too tired and defeated to let that strange feeling win.

He didn’t resist me, and add to that, he put his hand on my head like he used to. It made me close my eyes for a second, but the odd-shaped ball reappeared. It started haunting me all over again. I opened my eyes; still, the shape was there. I felt so cold. I clenched my teeth and started shivering.

“Agustin, your fever hasn’t gone yet?” he asked.

“I d-d-d-doo-n’t . . . know,” I answered through my chattering teeth.

“Do you want me to take you to a doctor?” he asked, concerned, but I could only shake my head to answer him.

“D-ddd-dad. Ca-ca-can I a-ask . . . y-you . . . sss-something?” I managed to say.

“Of course,” he responded quickly.

“Ah . . . ahhh . . . I . . . w-w-w-want to . . . to . . . go to another school,” I said and expected him not to ask me why, but he did, and he asked me about my friends and what would happen if I left the school all of a sudden. He also asked me if anything had happened between them and me. I couldn’t answer. The moment Calysta came to my mind, my eyes started pouring out tears. I missed her. I missed her so much. Worst of all, her smiles and laughter were haunting me. I wanted nothing more than to be on her side. My body missed her warm and soft hands. I wanted her warm kisses. I wanted her to assure me that everything was going to be okay and this was all a nightmare that I would soon be awakened from.

I closed my eyes and felt the trace of tears going down the side of my eyes to my father’s lap. He didn’t ask me more questions. He sat there and rubbed his hand gently on my head.

The following day, I woke up with a headache. The sun’s ray was on my eyes, and the thirst came back to me. I was still on the couch. I felt uncomfortable lying there, so I sat up, but an unknown force pulled me back to lie down. I was too weak to resist it. I wished I was born in the other animal kingdom; that way, a lion or hyena would end my miserable life way sooner. Let them feast on something unworthy. At least let others who wanted to live, live.

My thirst forced me to stand up and go to the kitchen. There, I noticed my mom was in the kitchen and preparing breakfast. I opened the fridge and looked for the water. The sound of the opening door of the fridge made my mom jump. I looked behind the door. I saw my mom put her hand on her chest and breathing fast like a scared bird. It brought a grin to my face.

“AGUSTIN, you scared me,” she said.

“Sorry, love,” I said to her, which made her smile too. I just copied my dad’s phrase when he was in trouble and had nothing better to say.

“Are you hungry? Breakfast is almost ready,” she said while she still had the smile on.

Thinking of eating anything turned my stomach inside out, so I told her no. Her smile vanished in a matter of seconds. She looked at me with a murderous look of a lioness who was about to kill her cub because it was too weak.

I poured the water into a glass, and on the way out, I kissed her forehead. She didn’t budge; she still had that angry face on, which made me kiss her again.

“Mom, I can’t eat anything. My head hurts, and thinking of eating anything makes me vomit,” I said it with a sincere voice, but still, it didn’t wash away her anger.

“Enough is enough, Agustin. You’ve been sick for a week. You don’t eat properly, you don’t talk, and you imprison yourself in your bedroom. What happened? Why don’t you talk to me about it, huh? Are you planning to kill me?” she said it madly. I was livid at myself for doing that to her. I would rather see her hit or slap me on the face than see her like that. She was too nice to me, and she never once raised her hand on me.

“I never dream of it. Who wants to handle Dad? Me?” I said it casually, but deep down, I was cursing myself for doing that to my mom. It worked. She tried hard not to laugh, so she looked away. I could see her tears in a mixture of laugh and anger. When I saw that, I started hating myself more for being alive. I walked toward her and tried to hug her, but she pushed me back by her arm while hiding her face with her other hand, but I forced myself on her. I hugged her tightly.

“Do you wanna sit and talk?” I said, but she still refused to look at me. “Even if I promise you to tell you everything? Not even Dad knows.” I tried to make it unique and to make her feel special. I don’t know why, but somehow, when I was a kid and teenager, I felt there was a fierce competition between my dad and my mom to see whom I liked the most and from whom I inherited the most genes.

“Promise?” she asked.

“Promise,” I responded and tried to put a smile on.

We headed toward the living room and sat there across from each other. She was still trying to get rid of the remaining tears. It made me sad, and I felt horrible. I waited until she was ready to talk.

When she looked at me and our eyes locked, I knew it was my cue to start talking. However, I didn’t know how to start. I looked down and up again.

“Moma, was there anyone else besides Dad that you loved?” I asked, and I saw a shock on her face. “I mean, did you love anyone before Dad came along?” I thought I made a correction by asking her the correct version of the question, but she was still surprised by my question.

“Why are you asking that?” She looked puzzled.

“Moma, it is a two-way conversation. If you don’t like it, we could stop it here, and there won’t be any hard feelings. I don’t like to sit here and be interrogated.” I thought I made my argument clear, but it only made her eyes narrow.

“Why do you want to know that?” she asked me the same question with a different phrase.

I thought a little bit. If I were in her shoes, I would be curious too. “I am just trying to find common ground to talk to. Please, answer me honestly.” She looked at me, and to me, she looked agitated. She moved her head side to side, not knowing what to do with me.

“What do you want to do with that kind of information?” Again, she asked the same question with a different phrase.

I could stand up and go back to my room to show her my agitation, but when I looked at her, I could tell she wasn’t comfortable talking about her past, whatever it was.

I loved her too much to do that to her, so I gave in. “You and Dad seem to be happy and love each other. I am just wondering if Calysta is going to be the same. Is she going to be happy with another man? Will she ever remember that once I loved her dearly? Or she just moves on? What will happen to me? Am I going to meet a girl like Calysta? Will I love her the same way I loved Calysta?” Those feelings were important to me. I felt my heartbeat again, even by mentioning her name. I went through the nightmare I had last night. This time, someone cut off my head from my body with a cleaver.

“Did she break up with you?” my mom asked cautiously. I could only nod. Without saying another word, she came and sat beside me. My headache was getting worse, and my throat was hurting me again. She put her hand behind my back and rubbed it up and down. She tried to comfort me. I just wanted to lie down. I wanted to sleep to death and never wake up again, so I stood up to go to my bedroom.

“Agustin, don’t you want to eat anything?” she asked me again. I could only shake my head for an answer, and I kissed her forehead again. I knew I couldn’t eat anything even if I forced myself to do so. I headed back to my bedroom and dragged my body. I looked back in my mom’s direction only to see her hunched and hid her face in her palms. I guess after seeing me like that for almost a week, I finally broke her down. I hated myself to see another woman I loved the most was hurting because of me. I went inside and closed the door. I found my bed. Lying down, I felt chilly, so I put the blanket on my shivering body. I closed my eyes to see the deserving nightmares again.

I woke up with a much more painful headache. The brain inside my skull was pushing out my eyes. For the first time in a week, the pain gave me a cathartic experience. That was the irony since only pain could heal my emotional pain. Putting both hands on my head, I tried to push back my brain to where it was. It was just wishful thinking. This agony made me cry and moan involuntary. My throat was dry again.

I attempted to stand up to go to the kitchen, but suddenly, the whole world was spinning around my head. It threw me back where I was. I started panting for air, but it didn’t matter because I didn’t get enough of it. I sat up and did not dare to stand up again. With both hands on my head, I rocked back and forth repeatedly to reduce the pain, but to no avail. The pain was getting worse in seconds. It brought me down to my knees on the floor, and it was followed by my hands on the floor. Now I looked like a beggar on the floor, asking for any kind of mercy. The hickory wood on the floor absorbed a little bit of coldness, and for some unknown reason, my body thought it was a good idea to have a little bit of it, so without any resistance, I laid down my face on the floor. Facedown on the floor, I was still panting for air. The pain eased up for a millisecond and came back with full force again. I moaned in agony. I stood up with all the energy that was left in my body and planned to take a shower. That way, I could give my body either cold or hot water. I was in too much pain to think clearly, and somehow, I felt that death was close by. I grabbed the navy-blue shelves two feet away from my bed to help me not to fall down again.

I couldn’t lean on it because the shelf didn’t have any wall support behind it, and add to that, some objects could fall and break, especially Calysta’s gifts to me. Looking at her gift eased up my pain. The shelves acted like a separator from my bed to the rest of the room. On one side, there was my burlywood-colored bed, which was facing a forty-five-degree angled ceiling six feet away, and it was bordered by navy-blue shelves with the regular ceiling. In the middle of the angled ceiling, there was a painted picture of a galaxy (the name of the galaxy is NGC 6503 with dark blue and black color in the background), and on another side of the shelves, twelve feet away, there were other white bookshelves full of books, except on the top middle, which was holding my four stereos. In the middle of that shelves, there was an empty space that had enough room for a two-seater couch with the same color as my bed. On top of my sofa and below the top shelves, there was a big picture of Neptune on the horizon, and in front of the couch, there was a two-by-four blue web–colored carpet. Sitting on it was a white table. On the left side of the sofa, which would be close to the corner of the room, I had a white L-shaped desk. It had my computer on one side and other staff on the other side. A window was located on top of the desk, which I had a beautiful view of the east.

Calysta loved the work I had done to my room. Every piece of furniture was made by my own hands, and she was impressed by it. I wouldn’t forget the face she made when she saw my room for the first time.

The pain in my head was a nonpareil. I have never felt it before and couldn’t compare it to anything. If I am going to die, why does it have to be this painful? I thought.

Somehow, I managed to walk to the door. I tried to open the door, but I noticed that I had difficulty opening it—the same door that I opened more than a thousand times without any effort. I was worried that my mom would discover me in this tohubohu, and I knew what it would do to her. My encephalon failed me again. Anyhow, I headed toward the bathroom by having one hand on the wall for support. Finally, I arrived there.

I never thought that I would have a doleful life like this. So pathetic. I went inside and welcomed the confinement. While I was taking off my shirt and pants, I noticed a picture of a stranger in the mirror. Two eyes that turned bloody red were looking at me. The face was too pale for a living human. The cracked lips were begging for water. No wonder why Mom was so scared when she saw me like that.

Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

I walked into the bathtub and turned on the tap water. The cold water kissed my skin. Chills ran through me.

Good.

It made me forget about the headache and other things. My sore and beaten body gave up to the gravity, and I sat in the bathtub.

The running water was music to my ears. Each drop made a merry dance on my skin. They were running like children in the field—carefree and happy, singing in harmony. It was so unearthly and beautiful. The water started getting warmer, and my skin welcomed the sensation. Deep down, I wished that my life would end at that moment, and with it, my headache and the memory I cherished for the little time that I had. Those sweet memories of Calysta that made me smile each time I thought about it, now they became my never-ending nightmares. I was too tired to have my eyes open for that long, so I closed them, hoping not to open them again.

A few minutes later, I heard someone knocking at the door and calling my name. It was my mom. I thought she was checking on me, so I responded, but she told me that Marshal was downstairs and waiting for me. Great, now I had to deal with him too. The world didn’t want me to have a little break after all. The moment a sense of relief came to me, it put me right back to hell.

I stood up and noticed that the bathroom was so foggy that I could barely see my two steps ahead. How long have I been here? I thought. I guess I lost track of time. I stepped outside of the bathroom and started drying myself with a towel. Then another realization hit me when I saw my hand and foot skin had been wrinkled.

The pain of the earlier headache had been reduced but didn’t go completely. It was better than nothing. The fogged-up mirror hid my face. It sounded like it wanted to warn me not to look at myself at all. Who cares? I wasn’t curious to see my beaten face either.

I stepped outside of the bathroom and headed toward my room to put on something. I chose the red sweater and the sky-blue jeans. With a towel on my head trying to dry my hair, I headed downstairs.

Seeing him sitting on the couch and listening to my mom complain, I had to admit, it cracked me and made me laugh a little bit.

He looked up and noticed me. He tried to hide his concerned face behind a smile. I smiled back to hide my pain.

“Who let this guy in?” I asked my rhetorical question.

“Agustin!” my mom protested.

“I was talking to your mom. Guess what I found out? Did you know that you were adopted?” Marshal said it with a big smile on his face.

“Marshal!” My mom scolded him too. “You two better behave, or I’ll let you know the feeling of being in hell.”

“Mom, don’t ask him an impossible mission,” I responded. She laughed. She stood up and left us alone. That was her way of giving us a little bit of room. After she left, I sat across Marshal. I was happy to see him, but also sad because I didn’t want him to see me like this.

The world was changing for me. The taste, the color was turning bitter and black. I could see that I was sailing into a stormy night at the ocean with no lifeboat on it. Those black waves were crashing every inch of the ship. The sound of twisted woods under those pounding waves was a warning that the ship was going to give up at any second.

“Hey, are you all right? I came here to see what happened to you. You didn’t show up at school, but I know the reason now.”

I looked at him blankly. I had nothing to say. What was there to say? Life wasn’t as usual. Everything changed, and it was a sad moment in my life that I had to deal with. I was a tyro about this kind of thing. I never knew about being heartbroken or anything like it. My life was simple and logical. If I failed at anything, I knew exactly where I made a mistake, but now everything was chaos. I had to answer questions that I didn’t understand. What was my mistake? Where did I fail Calysta? Why did she want to break up with me? She was probably thinking about it for a while. Did she consider what would happen to me if she left me like that? Was she that much cold and I was the only one oblivious about it? What should I do now?

The truth was that I wasn’t a good companion to her. Somehow, I made her feel lonelier than ever and brought her to a conclusion: It is better to be alone than to be with this guy.

“We broke up,” I said and tried to hide my sadness. I was trying to save my pride in front of him.

“Why did you break up?” he asked, but how could I answer a question that I didn’t understand myself?

“We both came to the conclusion that it was time to part ways.” I was still trying to stay calm so that he wouldn’t worry about me.

“Bullshit. I didn’t know you were that cold. Do you know what state she was in when I got there? Thank God, at least you had a little humanity left when you made that call, or I don’t know what would happen to that poor girl,” he said it angrily. I didn’t know what happened to her after I left, but me being cold? What the fuck was he talking about? My mind was in a state of chaos when I left her. I still remember my body was shivering in the middle of a warm weather. When I was out of her sight, I started vomiting in the corner of the park. People were looking at me either with sympathy or disgust. It didn’t take me long to go back to being myself, hating everyone. I wanted to be alone or be left alone. Even in that situation, I was considering her well-being. That was the reason I made a call to Marshal. I don’t know what she was feeding him, but putting my best friend against me was a whole new level of being a bitch.

“What happened?” I asked him genuinely, but he looked at me with disgust.

“If it wasn’t for your mom calling me to come here, I swear I wouldn’t come. You know what? It makes me happy to see there is at least karma for what you did. The whole week, I was defending your actions to Aiko. Do you know how close I am to breaking up with her?” I could see the hatred in his eyes. He was looking for an answer as well. I was pissed off for the whole situation.

“What happened?” I asked him again, backing it up with little anger. However, he just looked at me and gave me a smirk. Our eyes were locked, and if we weren’t home, there was a high chance that a fight would break out. I was tired and had no patience. The headache wasn’t helping either.

“Do you wanna go out?” I asked him. He stood up as an answer. I didn’t know what kind of argument would break out, but I didn’t want my mom to know about it. She had been through enough.

“Okay, let’s go,” he said. I tried to stand up, but it was too demanding for my body. If a fight happened, I knew the result already. I was pissed off. The person whom I called my best friend had been brainwashed. How stupid he must be to think that I was the person who broke up with her. I was so pissed off at myself for liking that witch. Is humanity dead? Is there no limit to shame? Why would she do that to me? Wasn’t it enough what she already did to me? Now she put my best friend against me? Anyway, whatever energy was left in me was spent to make myself stand up. I couldn’t believe my own stupidity. I was in that state because of her.

“Mom, me and Marshal are gonna go out!” I yelled and hoped she wouldn’t ask where, why, or any other follow-up questions, but as usual, the universe didn’t give a shit about what I wanted. After explaining to her and convincing her that outdoor activity was good for me, I followed Marshal outside. I was strolling behind him. He was storming out; I, on the other hand, had to stop many times to catch my breath. Even being outside wasn’t helping. My body was begging for air. When I reached outside, I felt like a champion. It was like I conquered the mighty Everest. I was too tired to take even one more step, so I gave up, and my body made me sit on the doorstep. I knew the world was unfair, but I never expected this much unfairness. Sometimes I wondered how the universe was for other people. It was probably a sherbet for ruthless ones, but for people like me, it was just poison.

“So what did you want to tell me?” Marshal asked. I didn’t expect that. I thought a fight was about to break out.

“First, I need to know what she told you so that I can defend myself,” I answered with bitterness.

“She told me nothing. Whenever I or anyone else asked her what happened, she just burst into tears. What did you do? Why did you do it?” he said it with anger behind his voice. I needed time to absorb the new intel. So she didn’t tell them anything, and they assumed that I was the one who broke up with her. In the end, they didn’t realize how important she was to me. It was sad. I never felt so lonely until that time. Even my best friend doubted my feelings toward her. I wanted to tell him everything. That way, at least I could salvage my friendship, but to what end? Anyhow, I decided to change school. What was the point of telling him everything other than making him take a side and end up like me? I owed him that much. Also, I didn’t want Calysta to lose face. Maybe I would never find out the reason behind her breakup, but whatever it was, the thought of damaging her by telling a one-sided story wouldn’t make me feel any better. I was in a better situation. I had my parents, but she had just lost her father. She needed more support than me. After a long pause, I responded.

“The reason we broke up is something between Calysta and me. If she doesn’t want to tell anyone, it’s her choice. I am leaving the school anyway, so you guys shouldn’t be worried about seeing me again,” I said it, meanwhile being miserable from inside.

“What the Fuck is wrong with you? Are you retarded or what? I asked you a simple question, and you are trying to act like a hero,” he said, agitated.

“What the fuck did you expect me to say? Do I have to tell you every detail of my life? I never asked you to take my side,” I said it by being a little bit louder than him. I thought if I made him hate me, maybe he would take Calysta’s side. I wanted that when Calysta started cursing me, instead of taking my side, he would curse me as well. I wanted to be hated. That was the last thing I could do before I cut off all my ties with her.

“You are an idiot. What is wrong with you? I don’t need permission to defend my friend. If someone disrespects my friend, it is like they disrespect me, even though that friend could be an asshole,” he said it with the same tone as before. He continued, “If I am asking what happened between you two, it is just because I want to help you out. Also, I want to know what kind of shit I am in.”

At any time, I would have laughed at his comment, but the time wasn’t right. He was angry, and I was tired. I wanted to end the conversation as soon as possible. I looked at the sky. The sun was calling it a day. On the horizon, the sun turned the sky into a fantastic canvas. The sky close to the sun was colored in orange, then Yellow, then light pink, and then dark-night blue. It was beautiful. It shouldn’t be like that. I wanted a gloomy sky, just like my heart, but no matter what I desired, it turned to be something else. I decided to leave school. Maybe things would change for me over there. I don’t know. There was no doubt that it was a radical decision. Changing schools for a girl was stupid. Add to that, washing my hands off a beautiful friendship was idiotic too. No one asked me to do any of that, and the reason I was willing to do it was unknown to me at the time.

Compathy is one of those beautiful words I came to love. Calysta and I shared the same pains. We both wanted to be left alone. At least that was what I thought.

I looked at Marshal and felt terrible to be a rebarbative friend. I caused him so many painful arguments with his girlfriend. I tried to stand up, but there wasn’t any energy left in my body. I wanted to be a real man, a mensch, who shoulders his own responsibilities. I needed an ostensible reason for my breakup without revealing so much so he would leave me be; however, I, by being so pathetic and helpless, couldn’t even convince him of anything, let alone a made-up story that I was about to tell him.

In chess, there is a move that is called zugzwang. It is a situation in which either the person loses a vital piece or gets into a dangerous situation. I put so many people in zugzwang but never thought of a day that I would end up in it too.

“Come and sit here,” I asked him nicely. He looked at me, and I could tell there was displeasure on his face. I didn’t wait for him to sit down, so I asked him a question, “Do you know the story of Orpheus’s wife?”

“No, I don’t,” he told me with a little bit of temper. Then he continued, “I was never into this kind of thing.”

I looked at him, and I couldn’t help but smile at him. We were always in competition. Even then, he didn’t want to admit he knew less than me, so he tried to make it sound less important than what it was.

It was his lucky day, I guess. That was because I wasn’t in the mood for gloating.

“It’s a Greek myth. When I was learning to play piano, my teacher told me about Orpheus’s story. I remember that he told me that Orpheus was known for being a legendary musician and poet. Also, He was a prophet too. His music was so good that all living things and even stone were influenced and moved by it. My teacher told me that level of mastery should be my goal for playing music and song, and nothing else matters. No amount of money or fame can replace that sacred place. He told me that it should be a goal for all musicians. However, nowadays, people couldn’t care less about that, and he asked me not to be like that. If a flower doesn’t enjoy my music or an animal escapes from me when he hears my music, but I make tons of money just to make sloppy music, I shouldn’t call myself a musician. He wanted me, as a pupil, to inherit this philosophy.”

I looked at Marshal and saw indifference on his face. Then I looked at the other side of the street and saw some pedestrians passing by. I continued, “Later on, when I did a little bit of research about Orpheus’s life, I found out how tragic his life was. He lost his wife, Eurydice, to an accident. The story is that she walked in tall grasses, and a serpent bit her on her ankle. She died on that spot. Later on, when Orpheus found out about the incident, he became so sorrowful that he played and sang a sorrowful song that made Gods and animals gloomy too. The Gods suggested that he go to the underworld and retrieve his wife, so he did. He went to the underworld with only the tool or weapon he had—his music. His music was so strong that it made Hades and Persephone kind enough to let him take his wife back on Earth. However, there was one condition. He must walk in front of his wife and never look back until both of them reach the upperworld. They started their journey to the upperworld. When Orpheus arrived at the top, he was too excited to see his wife that he forgot the condition and turned around to see her, and by doing that, his wife disappeared, but this time, forever.” The sun was passing on its light to the moon, but between that, there was a twilight. The pink color deepened in the sky, and there was a shade of dark blue. These two colors above the city were giving a minatory feeling to the people underneath. The message was clear: The darkness is coming, and it is a long way till dawn.

Marshal didn’t say a word. I think he was trying to understand the connection. Why would I tell him such a story? Was I trying to change the subject or give him a clue about what happened?

“Don’t bother. I am not Orpheus. I am not a deity or great musician, but look at it this way. What if, for my own selfishness, I could cause Calysta to be lost forever? The decision we made to give our relationship a break was there only for our own good. Even Though it’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it was a necessary thing to do for our relationship. I couldn’t do that if you weren’t there for her. I mean, it gives me a sense of relief to know that you are there to protect her. I know it makes me an asshole to ask you to do that for me, but I am asking you for the old sake of friendship we had in the past. You’ll do this favor for me,” I said it calmly.

“But why do you think you need to break up to save the relationship? This sounds like bullshit to me—bullshit that every asshole uses to justify their shitty acts. However, I am not gonna insist on it. She truly deserves a better person than you. The poor girl was crying and calling your name. It was really embarrassing in the middle of the park. I just can’t comprehend what kind of monster leaves a girl just like that. She just lost her father, and instead of helping her to get her back on her feet, you broke them instead,” he said it in vexation. I never indicated that it was my idea to break up, but somehow, he assumed it was my idea. I guess I couldn’t blame him. If I were in his shoes, I would assume the same way. Also, there was a new revelation too.

I just found out that Calysta was calling my name after I left her in the park. Was she regretting the decision she made? Or was it a momentary regret? If it wasn’t a momentary regret, then why didn’t she call me or make any contact of any sort? I just convinced Marshal to take her side and take care of her for me. If my assumption about her repentance were wrong, which most likely was, the damage would be incomprehensible. Anyway, I had to put aside the notion she regretted the decision she made. It just would make her a total fool without saying. I concluded that if she had any regrets, it was just momentary. It would be unwise to go back and ask her about her resolution. It would only open up the old wounds again, if not open any new ones.

Was I successful in confusticating and confusing Marshal? Wasn’t it what I wanted all along?

“I’m sorry to disappoint you. I think you came here to find a good reason why we broke up to defend me, but there isn’t one. I’m sorry that I made you look bad in front of Aiko, but now that everything has become a little bit coherent, you should act accordingly. There isn’t any sibylline and mystery to be found here. It just is, as it is.” I couldn’t believe the words that came out of my mouth, but they did. Whoever, with a right mind, listened to what I just said, the proper action would be to punch me and knock off my teeth.

“Fuck you,” he said before he left me. His exasperation was reasonable and understandable.

Now I truly felt lonely. I thought back to where I was many years ago, but the big difference was that I had already tasted the apple. I had this knowledge that I didn’t have before. Now I tasted the friendship, and I was afraid of losing it. Like a heroin addict who needs methadone to leave that bad habit, I needed something else to distract myself in order to survive. Finding new friends and moving on wasn’t the correct answer for my case, but phasing out of it was, so I decided to call Marshal after a few days and reduce my communication from there. I admit that I wasn’t considering Marshal’s feelings, and using him for my own purpose was a despicable act, but at the time, I was convincing myself that it was suitable for Marshal too. It was because he could phase out the same. Was I mitigating? I couldn’t tell at the time.

I tried to stand up, but the damn thing was too demanding. I felt I needed a superman strength for it. In the end, I stood up. I took a deep breath in and said goodbye to my old life.