“Alright, time to dive into the wonderful world of ratings,” Grik said, rubbing his tentacles together in glee. “Pull up that menu for me, would you?”
I obliged, and the screen flickered to life.
Ratings
Views: 0
Watchers: 0
Favorites: 0
Sponsors: 0
“Don’t worry about those big fat zeroes,” Grik reassured me. “They won’t budge until you’re out of the 1st Circle. Limbo is like the kiddie pool of the Trials—no live footage until you’re in the deep end.”
He launched into an explanation of Infernova, the mega-corp responsible for broadcasting the Trials across the galaxy. Other media outlets might make their own spin-off shows, but Infernova held the reins on all the raw footage.
“Now, here’s the juicy bit,” Grik said, his eyes glinting. “Infernova puts together a highlight reel of the Limbo footage to get viewers all hot and bothered for the main event. If you make it onto that reel, you’re golden. It’s like the ultimate seal of approval—’Watch out for this one, folks!’ Instant fame, billions of views, sponsorships out the wazoo... you get the picture.”
I nodded slowly. “So, I need to channel my inner Tom Cruise? Or maybe Van Damme?”
“Now you’re getting it!” Grik clapped his tentacles together. “Sponsors are the lifeblood of the Trials, Kade. They keep you in the game, both literally and figuratively.”
A thought struck me. “Grik, did you ever compete in the Trials? Is that how you ended up as an NPC?”
The octopus froze, his eyes shifting to a smoldering red. “I was a tester, back in the early days. They used demons to iron out the kinks. It was... unpleasant.”
“How far did you make it?”
“5th Circle—Anger. As violent as you’d expect.”
“What took you out?”
Grik’s tentacles coiled tightly. “Some eldritch abomination cooked up by the Overseers. Perfect killing machine. Tore me to shreds.”
I tried to lighten the mood. “Well, at least you got a sweet gig out of it, right?”
The demon glared at me. “Was that an attempt at humor, Kade?”
“Honestly, I’m not even sure anymore.”
Grik sighed. “The human Trials are a different beast. You monkeys have the galaxy eating out of your fleshy little hands. There’s just something about your bizarro culture that really gets the viewers going. It’s like watching the primates at the zoo—everyone loves a good show.”
“Gee, thanks. I feel so special.”
“The point is,” Grik continued, ignoring my sarcasm, “the Trials are tailored to human culture. It should feel just like home!”
“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be a regular walk in the park.”
Grik squinted at me. “You’re doing that sarcasm thing again, aren’t you?”
“Give the octopus a prize.”
“Right. Anyway, let’s talk loot boxes. They’re like cosmic care packages from your adoring fans. The better you perform, the higher quality goodies you’ll get.”
He started ticking off the different tiers on his tentacles. “You’ve got your basic Infernal Iron, then Sinner’s Silver, Glutton’s Gold, Vain Velvet, Envy’s Emerald, Pride’s Platinum, and the cream of the crop, Wrath’s Obsidian. Those babies are so expensive, you’d have to put on the show of the century to get one. We’re talking plasma guns, magic swords, even extra lives.”
That caught my attention. “Extra lives? I thought dead was dead.”
“Usually, yes. But with an extra life, you get a do-over. Respawn right back into the game. Of course, it’s only happened a handful of times in the history of the Trials, so I wouldn’t hold my breath.”
“Noted,” I said dryly. “Guess I’ll just have to settle for not dying in the first place.”
Grik grinned. “That’s the spirit! Now, let’s get back to your training. Those adoring fans aren’t going to win themselves over.”
Grik spent the next few minutes walking me through the various menus and systems, starting with the Health Menu. It not only displayed my overall well-being but also listed any active conditions and debuffs like Poison, Stun, or Health Burn. The list of potential afflictions was as long as my arm, matched only by the equally extensive list of buffs.
“Healing works a bit differently here than on Earth,” Grik explained. “You’ll generally recover much faster, especially if you’ve got some healing potions in your inventory. Speaking of which, how are you feeling physically? Any old aches and pains acting up?”
I took a moment to assess my body. Before my untimely demise, I’d been plagued by a nagging lower back injury from my overzealous weightlifting days and a knee that never quite recovered from a particularly nasty fight. But now? Not even a twinge. In fact, I felt better than I had in years. My liver was probably weeping with joy at its newfound sobriety.
“I feel like I’m eighteen again,” I marveled, relishing the absence of pain as I stretched.
“Excellent! That means you’re in peak physical condition.”
“Maybe this whole ‘eternal damnation’ thing isn’t so bad after all,” I quipped, earning a chuckle from Grik.
“That’s the spirit, Kade! Embrace the positives. The more you adapt, the better your chances of surviving the Trials.”
Next up was the Skills Menu, which was longer than a CVS receipt. Thousands upon thousands of skills were listed, each with a corresponding level number. Everything from Walking 4 and Drunk Walking 3 to Spitting 1 and Whiskey Drinking 6.
I couldn’t help but snort as I scrolled through the list. “Some of these are ridiculous. ‘Masturbating with Left Hand 2’? ‘Masturbating with Right Hand 4’? And why are there so damn many?”
Grik let out a hearty laugh. “We like to be thorough, Kade. But don’t worry about the grayed-out skills—those are the ones you haven’t acquired yet and probably never will. Just focus on the ones you do have.”
I filtered the list, and Grik nodded approvingly. “Not bad, Kade. Unarmed Combat 5 will definitely come in handy. Nunchaku 3? Color me impressed. And look at all these construction skills! Reading 2 though... not much of a bookworm, are you?”
“My short stay at college kind of killed my love for literature,” I admitted. “I’m more of a meme guy.”
“Ah, yes! Meme Comprehension 3. Believe it or not, that might actually prove useful.”
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I raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“The Trials are all based on human culture, so yeah. But I have a feeling your hammer skills will be even more valuable.”
“What kind of weapons can I expect to find here?”
“Oh, all sorts! Not too many guns, though—those are usually reserved for special rewards. You’ll want to practice with whatever weapons you come across to boost your proficiency. The more skilled you are, the deadlier you’ll be. And if you need to level up, just look for the various guildhalls scattered throughout the Circles. They’re like dojos for different skills,” Grik explained with a grin that looked utterly bizarre on his octopus face.
The reddish-pink bar beneath my health turned out to be a mana bar for magic. With my Intelligence stat sitting at a measly four, I was granted a whopping four mana points.
Grik seemed to be rushing through the explanations now, eager to move on. “Casting spells like healing will cost mana points. You can add spells to the quick access slots along the bottom of your magic menu for easy use. Just select the one you want mentally, and bam! Same goes for potions. Each one will drain your mana, which regenerates about one point per hour.” He clapped his tentacles together. “And that’s the gist of it! We’re almost ready to rock and roll, Kade!”
“Wait, that’s it?” I protested. “This is a lot to process, and I don’t think I’m—”
Suddenly, the System’s voice boomed through the building, cutting me off.
“Attention, contestants! By now, you should have completed orientation and be chomping at the bit to get started. The First Circle, a.k.a. Limbo, will be opening its pearly gates shortly. Consider this your Tutorial Level—learn all you can while the going is relatively easy. And by easy, I mean slightly less soul-crushingly difficult than the rest of the Circles. You’ll have 72 Earth hours to complete Limbo, so don’t dilly-dally! Infernova’s got a tight schedule to keep.
“Out of the 10,000 souls we brought in, only 5,403 managed to drag themselves to the SIPC building. Congrats on not being dead weight! On behalf of Infernova and our benevolent Overseers, I wish you all the best of luck. Put on a good show... for your own sake!”
The System’s laughter faded, and I turned to Grik with a sense of impending doom. “That’s our cue, huh?”
“We’ve got some time left,” Grik reassured me. “I may have spent too long on the explanations, but no matter. Let’s blitz through the rest, shall we? Pull up your inventory for me, which I’ve now activated.”
I navigated to my inventory menu, expecting to find a vast array of powerful artifacts and legendary weapons. Instead, I was greeted by a handful of loot boxes, probably earned from my earlier escapades outside. “Should I open these?”
“In a second,” Grik said, pointing at the screen with a tentacle. “First, let’s go over the basics. Your inventory is basically a magical bottomless pit, allowing you to carry whatever you want. But before you get too excited about stuffing your pockets with every shiny object you come across, there are a few caveats.”
He raised a tentacle. “One, how much you can carry is linked to your Strength. The higher your Strength, the more you can lug around. So, if you find yourself struggling to pick up that oversized sword or comically large ham, it’s time to hit the gym.”
Another tentacle went up. “Two, any food items you store will stay fresh indefinitely. No more worrying about your snacks going stale or your potions turning into moldy science experiments.”
A third tentacle joined the others. “Three, nothing alive can go in your inventory. So, if you were planning on capturing mobs and storing them away for a rainy day, tough luck. Your inventory is not a pocket dimension petting zoo.”
The final tentacle completed the set. “And four, whenever you need something from your inventory, just give it a mental click, and voila! It’ll materialize right in your hand. Like magic, but without the silly incantations and hand-waving.”
I nodded, absorbing the information. “Got it. So, can I open the loot boxes now? The anticipation is killing me.”
Grik shook his head. “Not so fast, eager beaver. First, you need to check your notifications. Get into the habit of reviewing them regularly, or you might miss something crucial, like a System message telling you the world is ending or that you’ve won a free trip to the Seventh Circle of Hell.”
I navigated to the notifications on my menu and clicked on them. Instantly, a cascade of messages flooded my vision, scrolling down the screen at an alarming rate. “Sweet baby Jesus, there are so many!” I exclaimed, my eyes widening at the sheer volume of notifications.
Grik chuckled. “Well, well, well. Looks like someone’s been a busy little adventurer. Let’s see what you’ve got there. Experience points, skill upgrades, achievements... Oh, and what’s this? A message from your long-lost uncle in Nigeria who needs your help transferring a large sum of money? Better get on that, Kade.”
I shot him a withering glare. “Har har, very funny. But seriously, how am I supposed to make sense of all this?”
The octopus shrugged. “Just take it one notification at a time. Think of it as a fun little game of ‘Guess What You Did Right.’ And who knows? Maybe you’ll even learn something about yourself along the way, like your uncanny ability to attract chaos and mayhem wherever you go.”
I sighed, resigning myself to the task at hand.
New Achievement Unlocked! Bomb Catcher!
Holy shit, you caught an actual bomb and tossed it back before it exploded! You crazy bastard!
Gain: Bomb Handler Level 1
New Achievement Unlocked! Bomber!
You killed several mobs with a bomb and blew up their vehicles!
Gain: Sinner’s Silver Imp Box!
New Achievement Unlocked! Mob Killer!
His widow is going to be really upset about this. Shame on you. But also… great fucking job, bro!
Gain: Experience unlocked! Welcome to the game!
New Achievement Unlocked! Multiple Mob Killer!
The imp gang’s health insurance premiums just went up. Hope you’re proud of yourself killer.
Gain: You got a Infernal Iron Weapons Box!
New Achievement Unlocked! Punching Above Your Weight!
You killed several mobs a higher level than yourself. Way to go!
Gain: You got a Infernal Iron Pathfinder Box!
New Achievement Unlocked! You entered the SIPC Building!
Great. Whattaya want? A medal?
Gain: Piss off.
New Achievement Unlocked! Van Damme Kick!
You kicked a mob right off their vehicle… and killed them! Start working on that Brussels accent!
Gain: You got a Glutton’s Gold Boot Box!
New Achievement Unlocked! Level-Up!
You gained enough experience to go up a level. Nice one!
Gain: You went up one level. Duh.
And yet more notifications:
Congrats! You’ve gained a skill level! Your first one!Tiny Tornado Twinkle Toes Level 3… just kidding!Van Damme Level 4!
Your kicks sting like a light sprinkling of pepper now. Enemies may say “oh no, not again” with zero sincerity. 5% increase in kicking damage with each level up.
Level Up! You are now level 2. Three stat points gained.
“You did pretty well there, Kade,” Grik said. “Some people end up in here with nothing. We’re running out of time, though, so you can go ahead and open those loot boxes now.”
I felt a giddy sense of excitement wash over me, like a kid on Christmas morning who’d just discovered that Santa had left a pile of presents under the tree. Except instead of colorfully wrapped gifts, I had a collection of floating boxes that I’d somehow earned by stumbling my way through this tutorial. Close enough.
With a thought, I pulled the boxes out of my inventory, eager to see what goodies awaited me. To my slight disappointment, there were only seven boxes. Seven. That was barely enough to fill a sad little gift basket, let alone satisfy my growing hunger for shiny new toys.
As the boxes hovered before me, their names floating above them like little neon signs, I couldn’t help but chuckle at the absurdity of it all. Here I was, acting like this was just another day in the life, as if being trapped in some sort of cosmic game show was the most natural thing in the world. At this rate, I half-expected to start writing letters to Santa, asking for a shiny new plasma rifle or a +5 Vorpal Sword of Demon Slaying. Because why the hell not? If I was going to be stuck in this madhouse, I might as well embrace the insanity.
I briefly wondered if they celebrated Christmas here in Infernum. Probably not. I couldn’t imagine the Overseers being big on holiday cheer and goodwill toward men. Then again, with the way things had been going, I wouldn’t be surprised if they had some sort of twisted version of the holiday, complete with demonic elves and a Santa who delivered pain and suffering instead of presents.
Shaking my head to clear the ridiculous thoughts, I focused on the first box, a dull, iron-colored container that looked about as exciting as a tax audit. “Here we go,” I said, trying to muster up some enthusiasm. “Let’s see what Santa Grik has brought me.”
Grik rolled his eyes. “Just open the damn box, Kade. We don’t have all day.”
I shot him a grin. “What, no ribbon-cutting ceremony? No dramatic drumroll? Where’s your sense of showmanship, Grik?”
The octopus sighed, his tentacles twitching with impatience. “Just get on with it, will you? Before I lose my job.”
“Alright, alright, keep your tentacles on,” I said, turning my attention back to the box. With a deep breath and a silent prayer to the gods of RNG, I focused on the container, willing it to open and reveal its secrets.