Some hours later, I woke up feeling fairly refreshed, half thinking it was morning, until I realized there was no day or night in this place. It was all the damn same. Getting up, I pissed in the rusted metal toilet, then went to the Food Hatch and ordered breakfast—three scrambled eggs, extra crispy bacon, sausage links cooked to a snappy crisp, and shredded hash browns with cheese melted over the top, along with coffee with lots of cream and sugar.

“Goddamn,” I said, after polishing the lot. “That was one of the nicest breakfasts I’ve ever had.” It even beat my mom’s breakfasts. “Sorry, Mom.”

As much of a tip as the Safe Circle was, I didn’t really want to leave it. The thought of going outside again and having to face the next fresh hell wasn’t exactly appealing, but I knew I had to do it. Players could only remain in their SCs for so long.

My bowels moved when I stood up, so I sat on the gross toilet with the animal skin for a seat and took a massive shit, wiping my ass with paper that felt like wiping with a cow’s tongue. I had to flush twice, and when I was done, the inside of the SC stank to high heaven.

New Achievement Unlocked! The Infernum Intestinal Incident

Congratulations! You’ve christened your Safe Circle’s facilities with a truly hellish offering. Your digestive system has proven itself worthy of the cosmic horror you’ve consumed.

Gain: +1 to Constitution

Special Ability Unlocked—Noxious Nether Regions (Your flatulence now has a 5% chance to stun nearby enemies)

Warning: The Bureaus’ Sanitation Department has been notified and is now questioning their life choices. Future toilet paper requisitions may be denied on principle.

Remember: In Infernum, even your bodily functions are part of the show. Keep it classy, contestant!

“Jesus, all I did was take a shit,” I muttered, shaking my head. Then I smiled at the notion of potentially stunning enemies with my farts.

* * *

Opening the door of my SC, I took a deep breath and stepped outside to meet the day… or rather the muted red wasteland that was now my home. Filling my lungs with noxious sulfurous air, I stretched and let out a final fart before standing and looking around for a moment or two. No mobs nearby, which was a good thing. At least give me time to digest my breakfast, you bastards. No players around anywhere, either. Out of interest, I brought up my HUD and checked the player numbers. The number stood at 3946.

“Damn, lost a few since I was last out here,” I said, thankful I was still alive and kicking, if you could call this shitshow living. Staring up into the tumultuous red sky, I wondered if the cameras were rolling. Was some alien hunched inside a control room in front of a wall of screens, deciding which of us players to follow and zoom in on? Just in case said alien was zooming in on me now, I flipped the sky the bird, grinning as I did so. I may have still been nervous—slightly terrified actually—but I wasn’t about to show it.

Looking around in all directions, I sort of expected to see Annalise’s SC around somewhere. She had said hers was nearby, but as far as I could see, there was no sign of it. Behind me, my SC sunk into the ground like it was being sucked down by some massive creature. Turning, I somewhat sadly watched it disappear beneath the earth, and then get magically covered by the ashen soil as if the ten foot structure had never even been there.

“So much for sanctuary. Now where the hell do I head from here?”

Checking the map, there was still no sign of the first Trial location. There were no notifications about it either. Except for a mysterious one asking all players to make their way north-east. Didn’t say why. Just that we had to go there.

“Strange. I’m guessing that’s where the first Trial is. Guess we’ll see.”

As I started walking in that direction, I brought up the map again and checked to see where Annalise was, surprised to see her green dot somewhere north-west from here. Quite a distance, actually, which struck me as strange. What the hell was she doing all the way over there? Her tracking dot was also static, indicating she wasn’t moving.

Stopping, I wondered if that was where her SC was, and she was still in there. But that seemed too far away. She must’ve received the notification to head north-east like everyone else, so why wasn’t she moving? Of course, she may not have seen the noti yet, but I doubted that was the case. She seemed too fastidious to me to be missing important notifications.

“Shit,” I said, stopping. “Maybe she’s hurt, or—” Something a few feet away caught my eye, Something long and dark lying on the ashen ground. Walking over, I saw it was a thick, gnarly stick. The exact same stick that Annalise had been carrying. Coincidence? I didn’t think so.

There was no way Annalise would just discard her only weapon, which meant something must’ve happened. But why was she so far away? Had some mob taken her? Or did she run into trouble and flee in a panic? Whatever the case, I couldn’t carry on until I made sure she wasn’t in any trouble. And if she was in trouble, I would have to make sure she was safe.

This story has been taken without authorization. Report any sightings.

“You see,” I said, adding the Imp Stick to my inventory, “this is why I said we should stick together. But did she listen? No, she didn’t. No one ever fucking—“

The sound of multiple engines cut me off. Turning around, I saw a cloud of dust heading my way. As it drew closer, the roar of engines grew louder, and I could make out the silhouettes of small, hunched figures astride what looked like miniature trikes.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” I muttered, bracing myself for another fight. “Can’t a guy catch a break in this damn place?”

The dust cloud parted, revealing a gang of about a dozen imps, each perched atop a souped-up trike that looked like it had been designed by a meth-addicted Hot Wheels engineer. The machines sputtered and backfired, belching out noxious fumes as they circled around me.

The imps’ beady eyes gleamed with malicious glee as they tightened their circle, their grins revealing rows of needle-sharp teeth. I tensed, ready to start swinging, when suddenly the lead imp held up a gnarled hand, bringing the gang to a screeching halt.

“Well, well, well,” the leader croaked, his voice like gravel in a blender. “What do we have here? A lost little human wandering our turf?” His eyes narrowed as they fixed on my hand. “Wait a minute... is that... an Imp Ring?”

I glanced down at the obsidian ring on my pinky, the one I’d gotten from the loot chest, and which I’d totally forgotten about. “Yeah, what of it?”

The imp leader’s face split into a grin so wide it threatened to bisect his head. “Boys, looks like we’ve got ourselves an honorary imp! Welcome to the family, big guy!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said, holding up my hands. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. I’m not—“

“Nonsense!” the imp leader cackled, slapping his knee. “You’re wearing the ring, ain’t ya? That makes you one of us now. I’m Griznok, and these here are my boys.”

The other imps whooped and hollered, revving their engines in what I assumed was some sort of twisted welcome ceremony.

“Look, Griznok,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “I appreciate the, uh, warm welcome, but I’m not really looking to join any gangs right now. I’m actually trying to find someone. A girl. Have you seen anyone come through here? Maybe someone who looked like they needed help?”

The imps exchanged glances before erupting into raucous laughter. Griznok wiped a tear from his eye, still chuckling. “Oh, that’s rich. A player looking like they need help? Buddy, in case you haven’t noticed, everyone here needs help, especially you humans. Can’t be too careful around these parts. You never know what—“

An earthshaking roar echoed across the landscape. The imps’ laughter died instantly, replaced by looks of pure terror.

“Speaking of being careful,” Griznok muttered, his eyes wide.

I turned to see what had spooked them, and my heart nearly stopped. Lumbering toward us was a creature that made the Gluepanzee look like a cuddly kitten in comparison. It was easily ten feet tall, with a body like a misshapen boulder and a face that looked like it had been carved out of a cliff with a sledgehammer. In its meaty fists, it clutched a club the size of a telephone pole.

An info box popped up above the monstrosity.

Mountain Troll - Level 12

This walking geological disaster hits like a landslide and has about as much charm. Recommend immediate evacuation unless you fancy being a pancake.

“Scatter!” Griznok shrieked, and the imp gang didn’t need to be told twice. They peeled out in all directions, their trikes kicking up clouds of dust and debris.

I stood frozen for a moment, watching in horror as the troll swung its massive club. It connected with two of the fleeing imps, sending them and their trikes flying through the air like twisted, screaming frisbees.

“Nope, nope, nope,” I muttered, finally kickstarting my survival instinct. I turned and started running, my legs pumping as fast as they could carry me. But I knew it wouldn’t be enough. The troll’s strides were eating up the distance between us, the ground shaking with each step.

“Come on, come on,” I panted, desperately trying to activate my Nikes. I focused on them, I visualized speed, I even tried shouting “Activate!” like some dollar store superhero. Nothing worked. “Fuck you, Nike!”

The troll’s hot, rancid breath was practically on my neck now. In a moment of desperation, I clicked my heels together, feeling like an idiot. “There’s no place like home, there’s no place like—“

Still nothing.

Out of sheer frustration, I leaped into the air and shouted, “Just fucking do it!”

When I hit the ground again, I felt a surge of energy course through my legs. The world around me blurred as I shot forward with incredible speed. The troll’s roar of frustration faded behind me as I zipped across the hellish landscape, leaving a trail of dust in my wake.

“Holy shit, I can’t believe that worked!” I whooped, the wind whipping past my face. I angled myself in the direction I knew Annalise had gone, determined to cover as much ground as possible in the minute I had.

The landscape flew by in a surreal blur. I dodged around startled creatures, leapt over chasms, and at one point, I swear I ran straight up a vertical cliff face. It was exhilarating and terrifying all at once, like being strapped to a rocket with questionable steering.

Just as I was starting to enjoy myself, I felt the sneakers’ power beginning to wane. The world started to come back into focus, and I could feel my muscles protesting the sudden exertion. With the last burst of speed, I managed to clear a final ridge before the sneakers powered down.

I stumbled to a stop, breathing heavily, my legs feeling like they were made of jelly. As I bent over, hands on my knees, trying to catch my breath, I suddenly vomited up most of the breakfast I’d eaten earlier, retching like I’d been out partying for twelve hours straight. “Oh… Jesus…”

Finally straightening up, I breathed heavily for a few moments as my stomach settled back down and I felt like I was going to collapse. “Holy shit, that was intense…”

Clearly, I would have to build myself up a bit more if I wanted my body to be able to handle such crazy speeds. But at least I’d outrun that massive troll, who undoubtedly would’ve killed me if I’d tried to fight it. The thing was a level 12 and I was only a level 2. It would’ve crushed me, no doubt about that.

Having no idea of where I was or even what direction I’d gone in, I consulted the map and was relieved to see that I’d headed roughly in the direction of Annalise’s tracking dot. That was something at least. She didn’t seem to be too far away now.

“Alright,” I said, ready to rock again. “Let’s go save Annalise, just so I can say 'I told you so.'”