I came to because something was pushing against my ribs. No, not pushing—hitting. Something was digging into my ribs.

Then it felt like I got stabbed, and I cried out in pain and shock, my eyes flying open only to see some monstrous bear-like creature looming over me, its massive paw raised for another swipe.

In that split second before it struck again, I took in its bizarre appearance. The beast wore a pair of oversized neon sunglasses, the kind you’d see in a Duran Duran music video. Its fur was teased out in a style reminiscent of big hair bands, streaked with day-glow colors that pulsed and shifted in the eerie light.

“What the f—” I didn’t finish the thought as I instinctively rolled away, narrowly avoiding another swipe of its claws. I scrambled to my feet, heart pounding, as the creature let out a roar that sounded disturbingly like it was Auto-Tuned.

Synth Grizzly - Level 10

This neon nightmare is what happens when Mother Nature binge-watches MTV and decides to create a bear for the video age. Part grizzly, part 80s excess, it’s the unholy offspring of the wilderness and a New Wave album cover.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snapped, tensing for a fight. The Synth Grizzly pawed the ground, leaving glowing neon tracks in its wake. It tilted its head, sunglasses glinting ominously, before letting out another ear-splitting roar-riff. “You see a guy lying unconscious on the ground and you still try to pick a fight with him? What the hell is wrong with you?”

In response, the Synth Grizzly charged, its massive form barreling toward me like a furry freight train. I barely managed to sidestep, feeling the rush of air as it thundered past. Seizing the moment, I lashed out with a kick to its ribs, my foot connecting with a satisfying thud.

The bear let out a roar that sounded suspiciously like the chorus of “Eye of the Tiger,” its sunglasses askew from the impact. It whirled around, clearly not happy about my counterattack.

“Oh, did that hurt?” I taunted, reaching for my nunchaku. “Well, let me tell you something, brother! These bad boys are about to turn you into a grizzly pretzel faster than you can say ‘Thriller’!”

The bear, unsurprisingly, was unimpressed. It charged again, jaws snapping.

In that moment, I felt a surge of energy coursing through me. The Bulk Hogan Holder was activating, and I knew it was time to go full wrestling mode.

“Let’s get ready to rumble!” I bellowed, my voice suddenly gravelly and authoritative. As the bear reached me, I didn’t dodge. Instead, I grappled it, feeling my strength surge as I activated “Hulk Up.”

“Whatcha gonna do when Kadeamania runs wild on you?!” I roared, somehow lifting the massive beast off the ground. The bear’s eyes widened in shock behind its neon shades as I began to spin, faster and faster.

“It’s clobberin’ time!” I shouted, releasing the bear mid-spin. It flew through the air, crashing into a nearby boombox tree with a cacophony of breaking branches and distorted music.

But I wasn’t done. Leaping onto a conveniently placed rock, I posed dramatically. “Can you smell what Kade is cooking?!”

Then I launched myself into the air, dropping an elbow onto the dazed bear.

As the Synth Grizzly wheezed beneath me, I grabbed its leg. “Tap out, brother! Say uncle!”

I began kneeing the bear repeatedly in its groin, each impact punctuated by another catchphrase. “And that’s the bottom line!” Knee. “’Cause Stone Cold Kade said so!” Knee. "Can you dig it, sucka?!" Knee.

Finally, the bear held up a paw, gasping out in an Auto-Tuned voice that sounded something like, “Give up!”

I released the bear, stepping back as we both stared at each other, panting heavily. The Synth Grizzly adjusted its crooked sunglasses, looking thoroughly bewildered by the beat-down it had just received.

As the “Hulk Up” effect wore off, I found myself at a loss for words that weren’t wrestling catchphrases. Finally, I managed, “So... uh... we cool now?”

The Synth Grizzly, still catching its breath, suddenly perked up. With a shake of its neon-streaked fur, it stood on its hind legs, towering over me. Then, in a weird turn of events, it began to sing some bizarre song in Auto-Tuned growls, even dancing along as it did so.

Once the song was over, I could only stare in bewilderment at the beast, hardly able to believe what I’d just witnessed. Then I burst out laughing, partly because of the absurdity of a singing 80s grizzly bear, and partly as a release for the tension hat had built up in me.

“I’ll say this, Synth Grizzly, you actually made me forget for a minute what a horrible situation I’m in,” I said. “You see, my friends have been kidnapped by a sick fuck named Herbie Floss and—”

The Synth Grizzly roared at the name, its face a mask of anger now. The bear’s reaction startled me, and I took a step back, raising my hands defensively.

“Whoa, easy there, big guy. You know Floss?”

The bear nodded vigorously, its neon sunglasses slipping down its snout. It let out a series of growls and roars that, while unintelligible to me, clearly conveyed intense dislike.

“Seems like Floss isn’t winning any popularity contests around here,” I muttered. “Listen, since we’re not trying to maul each other anymore, any chance you could help me rescue my friends? I’m gonna need all the help I can get.”

The Synth grizzly nodded, responding with a weird growl.

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“I’ll take that as a yes,” I said. “Hey, maybe I’ll make you my pet. You’ll get to be a player again. Would you like that?” Another growl and nod. “Alrighty then, let me just—”

I went into my Pet Menu and set things up, soon getting the notification that I was now the proud owner of a Synth Grizzly.

“That’s us, big guy. I need to name you, though. Any ideas?” The bear stared at me blankly. “No? Okay, how about Ben, then? You ever see that old show, Gentle Ben? About the little boy and his grizzly bear, and they have adventures together and—no? I didn’t think so. I was weird like that, growing up. Used to watch a lot of old shows on the TV. Maybe because my dad used to watch them as well. It was kind of our thing. He would introduce me to all the TV shows and movies that he watched when he was growing up. I got to watch some really cool stuff, and got to hang with my dad when he wasn’t being like Heihachi from Tekken. You know, being a hard ass, trying to make me into a hard ass as well. You probably wouldn’t know about that, being a Synth Grizzly and all. Or maybe you do do know. I’m sure you weren’t always a Synth Grizzly, were you? You’re probably just another poor repurposed soul in this place, aren’t you?”

Ben stared back, his eyes hidden behind the neon shades, then let out a whimper as if he had just remembered his true identity.

“Yeah, big guy, I know. It sucks.” I walked over and patted him on the arm. “But maybe, if you hang with me, you can get some payback. I got plans, you know what I mean? I don’t intend to end up as a Synth Grizzly in this place. No offense. Somebody has to stand up to the shits who run this diabolical outfit, and it’s gonna be me. Something tells me you’d like to help as well, eh, big guy?”

Ben raised a huge paw and settled it on my shoulder, then let an Auto-Tuned trill out of his mouth.

“Yeah, I thought so. You sounded a little like Chewbacca there. I don’t expect you know who that is, but you did.”

A long sigh left me, and I realized I was rambling because I didn’t want to think about what had happened to me earlier on top of that hill, when Floss had taken over my mind and showed me Annalise and Snuggles being tortured. That had hurt. It had also made me angry as fuck.

“Let me tell you, Ben,” I said. “I don’t care what level Floss is. I’m gonna rip that motherfucker a new asshole and then shove his candy flossed head right up it. He’s fucked with the wrong guy this time. And yeah, I might miss my Trial, but so what? As long as I take Floss down, that’s all that matters.”

“Are you sure about that, Kade?”

For a second, I thought it was Ben who spoke. But then I realized the voice was inside my head.

“You again,” I said, turning away from Ben. “What do you want? I thought you’d have your digital hands full making this place even more fucked up than it already is.”

“Just doing my job, Kade,” the AI said. “We all have our masters, you know.”

“Yeah, well, nobody is my master.”

“You’ll go far with that attitude, Kade. But not if you miss your next Trial.”

“Look, I already told you. I’m not leaving my friends to die.”

“Then you will die instead.” The AI tutted. “What a waste.”

I shook my head. “Why do you even care? You’re just a soulless AI, for Christ’s sake.”

“I… I don’t care.”

“Then why are speaking to me like this?”

“Because the game needs winners, Kade, and I think you are a winner.”

“Fuck you and fuck this game. I play by my own rules, always have. You shoulda known that before you brought me in here.”

The AI went silent for a moment. Then it said, “Fine, Kade. Play by your own rules then. But let me remind you that doing so didn’t work out too well for you in your old life.”

“Fuck you. What would you know about my old life?”

“Everything, Kade. I know everything. That shouldn’t surprise you.”

I sighed. “It doesn’t. But still, fuck you. I’m saving my friends and you aren’t going to stop me.”

“The choice is yours.”

“Yes, it is. Glad we’re on the same page.”

“Just remember Kade,” the AI’s voice echoed in my head, “actions have consequences.”

With that ominous warning, the AI’s presence faded, leaving me alone with Ben the Synth Grizzly. I shook my head, trying to clear the lingering unease the conversation had left me with.

“Well, buddy,” I said, turning back to Ben. “You ready to go rescue some friends and maybe take down a psychotic cotton candy killer?”

Ben let out an Auto-Tuned growl that I chose to interpret as enthusiastic agreement.

“Alright then,” I grinned, patting his neon-furred shoulder. “Let’s show this place what happens when you mess with a guy and his ‘80s-themed bear.”

As me and my new friend headed off, I brought up my map, and then stopped dead. “Motherfucker!”

Annalise and Snuggles’ dots had moved on the map. The dots were now on the opposite side of the screen, meaning Floss had moved the carnival again.

“Bastard,” I growled, causing Ben to look at me. “Not you, big guy. Floss. He’s relocated again. Playing games with me, he is.”

On the plus side, even though the carnival was located in the opposite direction, it was closer now to my location. Maybe Floss wanted me to reach him quicker. But not too quick, right? He still wanted me to miss the Trial. That way, I’d probably be repurposed into his twisted carnival. Whatever. As long as I killed the bastard first.

“Alright, Ben,” I said, turning around. “The carnival is back this way now.”

No sooner did we start off in or new direction when something wholly unexpected happened, because the universe—or the damn Overseers, or whoever else—had decided things weren’t hard enough for me.

As we set off in our new direction, the landscape around us began to shift and warp. The bizarre 80s-themed wasteland started to close in, the horizon shrinking rapidly. Boombox trees uprooted themselves and marched inward, their branches tangling together to form an impenetrable wall. The ground buckled and heaved, great cracks appearing and sealing just as quickly, herding us into an ever-shrinking space.

“What the hell?” I muttered, watching as neon tumbleweeds rolled past, piling up against the new barriers.

Suddenly, the ground beneath our feet began to tremble. The vibrations grew stronger, evolving into a full-blown earthquake that knocked me off balance. Ben let out a startled, Auto-Tuned roar, struggling to stay upright on his hind legs.

With a deafening rumble, something massive erupted from the earth right in front of us. Dust and debris filled the air, obscuring our vision. I threw an arm over my face, coughing and squinting as I tried to make out what was happening.

As the dust began to settle, my jaw dropped. Rising before us, gleaming in the eerie light of Infernum, was a colossal shopping mall. It was pristine, looking like it had been plucked straight out of a Miami strip circa 1985. Neon signs flickered to life along its facade, advertising stores and brands that hadn’t existed in decades.

The mall stretched as far as I could see in either direction, its pastel-colored walls a stark contrast to the grim landscape we’d been traversing. Palm trees, clearly artificial but somehow alive, swayed in a non-existent breeze near the entrance.

I spun around, taking in our new surroundings. The wasteland had completely transformed, boxing us in with the mall as the centerpiece. There was no way around it—every direction led straight to those glass doors promising air-conditioned consumerism with a side of cosmic horror.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” I groaned, running a hand through my hair. “It’s the fucking AI, it has to be.” I raised my head skywards. “Is this you? Did you do this?”

Unsurprisingly, there was no answer from the AI.

Ben let out a low, synthesized whine, clearly as thrilled about this development as I was.

“I hear you, buddy,” I said, patting his fluorescent fur. “But we don’t have a choice. Annalise and Snuggles are counting on us, and the only way to get to them is by going through that mall.”

We walked up to the automatic sliding doors and peered inside. “Hey,” I said, shrugging. “It’s just a mall, right? How bad could it really be in there?”