The Glitch Goblins wasted no time in attacking us as they swarmed toward us. But they all stopped in their tracks when Snuggles, now standing at his full height of 2.5 feet, unleashed an ear-splitting noise from his Sonic Scream-o-rama that he directed at the goblins. Both Annalise and I immediately covered our ears and grimaced as the high-pitched sound emanated from Snuggles’ throat. But because we were standing behind him, we didn’t get to experience the full effects of the blast. The Glitch Goblins did, though. They all froze in fear before they could get any closer to us, their body’s glitching like crazy.
Then Snuggles shouted, “Attack, you idiots!”
Annalise and I immediately ran forward just as the goblins began to recover from the fear-inducing noise blast. When I punched the closest goblin in the head, using my Drago’s Destroyer attack, my fist connected with a bizarre sensation, like striking a wall of static electricity. The goblin’s pixelated flesh rippled on impact, its form momentarily destabilizing into a cloud of fragmented code.
As my fist made contact, a burst of garbled data exploded from the point of impact, accompanied by the opening riff of “Eye of the Tiger.” The goblin’s head jerked back, its features scrambling like a corrupted image file. Jagged lines of code streamed from the wound, dissipating into the air like digital blood.
The creature let out a distorted screech, its body flickering violently as it struggled to maintain cohesion. For a split second, I could see through its glitching form, glimpsing the complex algorithms that made up its core.
As the goblin staggered back, parts of its body began to pixelate and break apart, floating away in cubic chunks before snapping back into place. It was like watching a 3D model glitch in real-time, the goblin’s form constantly trying to rebuild itself against the disruption caused by my enhanced punch.
But before the goblin could right itself, I hit it again, and this time the creature burst apart in an explosion of code and digital pixels, its depleted Health Bar signifying it was dead.
A few feet away, Annalise was a blur of precision, her movements fluid and unpredictable. As a goblin used its Glitch Dash to appear behind her in a burst of static, she was already in motion. Her 80s pumps glowed brightly as she pivoted, narrowly avoiding the creature’s claws.
In a display of acrobatic prowess, Annalise cartwheeled away from a barrage of Pixel Projectiles, the sharp shards of corrupted data embedding themselves in the ground where she had stood mere milliseconds before. Her Dragon’s Daughter skill was in full effect, her kicks a dizzying flurry of pink and blue as her pumps left trails of neon light in their wake.
A goblin rushed her, but Annalise dropped low, sweeping its legs with her Crouching Tiger move. As the creature fell, she sprang up, executing a perfect backflip over another goblin’s Glitch Dash attack. Landing gracefully, she spun into her Spotlight Stunner, her movements a dazzling dance of destruction that left three goblins reeling, their pixelated forms glitching uncontrollably.
Damn, girl, I thought, but I had no time to play spectator as I got blindsided by a goblin that was larger than the rest—the captain of this glitching crew of degenerates.
The goblin’s claws, crackling with corrupted data, raked across my face. I felt a searing pain, not just physical, but digital. Suddenly, my vision exploded into a chaos of pixelated artifacts and error messages.
My HUD went haywire. Health bars duplicated and overlapped, my inventory items began rapidly scrolling past my eyes, and stat numbers flickered between random values. It was like looking at the world through a malfunctioning computer screen.
Disoriented, I staggered back, trying to blink away the digital noise clouding my vision. The goblin captain, now a blurry mass of glitching pixels, lunged at me again.
Acting on instinct, I threw a wild punch. I felt it connect, the now familiar sensation of the Thrill of the Fight Smashers activating. Through the visual chaos, I heard a distorted version of “Eye of the Tiger” playing.
Seizing the moment, I spun around, channeling my Damme It To Hell skill into a powerful spinning back kick. My foot connected with what I hoped was the goblin’s midsection, sending it flying back in a shower of fragmented code.
But the damage was done. As the goblin captain crashed into its subordinates, I rubbed my eyes furiously, trying to clear my vision. My HUD was still fritzing out, error messages blinking in and out of existence. My Health Bar was glitching between full and empty, making it impossible to gauge my actual condition.
“Guys,” I called out, my voice tight with tension, “I can barely see straight. These things can mess with our systems!”
As I tried to focus on the battle around me, the world swam in and out of focus, digital artifacts obscuring my view. I knew I was vulnerable, but there was no time to recover. The fight was far from over, and now, I was facing it with a major handicap.
But this wasn’t the first time I had been up against the ropes. Just like Rocky Balboa, the more shit I took, the more I gave back.
And this horde of glitching assholes were about to find that out.
I reached deep inside myself, tapping into that reservoir of strength I’d always relied on in the cage. Suddenly, I felt a surge of energy emanating from the Bulk Hogan Holder. The neon yellow jockstrap began to glow, pulsing with power, a not entirely unpleasant sensation spreading throughout my groin.
This book's true home is on another platform. Check it out there for the real experience.
Careful there, I thought as a wave of orgasmic pleasure rippled out from between my legs. I might end up spearing one of these fuckers in the eye in a minute.
“Oh yeah, brother!” I heard myself bellow, my voice dropping an octave and taking on a gravelly quality. “It’s time to run wild on you!”
My muscles swelled, straining against my denim jacket. The digital artifacts in my vision coalesced into a red haze, turning the world into a battlefield tinged with crimson. I felt invincible, unstoppable, like I could take on the whole damn world.
With a primal roar, I charged into the fray. My fists became wrecking balls, each punch sending goblins flying in explosions of corrupted code.
“Whatcha gonna do when Kadeamania runs wild on you?!” I shouted, clotheslining two goblins at once.
I plowed through the horde, my movements a blur of overwhelming strength and ‘80s wrestling bravado. Goblins disintegrated left and right, unable to withstand the onslaught.
“Say your prayers and eat your vitamins!” I yelled, executing a perfect piledriver on the goblin captain, driving its glitching form into the digital ground.
The battlefield became a storm of flying goblins and shattered code. My ears rang with the sound of my own bombastic trash talk and the satisfying crunch of digital bones.
“To all my little Kademaniacs out there: This is what happens when you believe in yourself and train, train, train!”
As I continued my rampage, I dimly realized I couldn’t stop the wrestling catchphrases if I tried. But in that moment, riding the wave of Hulked-up power, I didn’t care. I was the ultimate warrior in a sea of digital chaos, deleting these goblin bastards from existence.
It may have felt longer, but the Hulked-up power only lasted for thirty seconds, but it lasted long enough for me to take out a large quantity of the goblins. By the time I was finished, Annalise and Snuggles were staring at me like I’d lost the plot completely, and most of the remaining goblins were now backing off slightly, wary of the mad man screaming pro wrestling catchphrases.
“What are you waiting for, you foul sea dogs!” the captain screamed, now back on board the galleon. “Kill them! Delete them from existence!”
As if on cue, a load more goblins rushed up from below deck, and the ones standing outside the ship began to advance forward again.
“There are so many!” Annalise said, now standing beside me. “I’m exhausted from fighting the little bastards.”
Snuggles unleashed another burst of head-splitting sound that halted the advancing goblins in their tracks, which gave me an idea.
“We don’t have to fight them,” I said, pulling the boombox from out of my inventory. “Snuggles, keep blasting them with that noise.”
As Snuggles continued with the sonic blasts, I ran around the far side of the ship where there only a few goblins standing. I kicked them out of my way without much trouble before setting the boombox mode to ‘Heavy Metal.’ Then I pressed play on the tape deck and tossed the boombox up onto the galleon,
“Hope you like Megadeth, you pixelated punks!” I shouted, grinning maniacally. “Because you’re about to experience a Symphony of Destruction!”
As the boombox sailed through the air, I couldn’t resist adding, “Time to crash your system with some thrash! Let’s see if your code can handle these sick riffs!”
Once I threw the boombox, I sprinted around the galleon again and told Annalise and Snuggles to run. They didn’t need telling twice, and seconds later, there was a huge explosion that rocked the very fabric of the digital reality around us.
The blast wasn’t just an ordinary explosion—it was a cataclysmic eruption of sound and corrupted data. Waves of distorted guitar riffs visible as physical force rippled outward, shredding through the air. The ship’s pixels began to tear apart, disintegrating into a maelstrom of fragmented code and glitching debris.
Goblins caught in the blast were instantly vaporized, their digital essence scattered to the wind like so many bits of broken data. Those on the fringes glitched violently, their forms stretching and contorting in impossible ways before breaking apart into cascades of zeroes and ones.
The galleon itself groaned and twisted, its structure warping as if trying to escape the laws of digital physics. Glitching cannons fired volleys of corrupted data into the air, exploding in showers of pixelated shrapnel. The masts splintered and fell, their sails of error messages shredding into streams of unintelligible code.
As the ship began to sink into the sea of static, it left behind a swirling vortex of digital chaos. Error messages floated in the air like toxic confetti, and fragments of broken code rained down around us, sizzling as they hit the ground.
The explosion’s shockwave hit us, sending us tumbling across the unstable terrain. As we scrambled to our feet, ears ringing and vision swimming with afterimages of the blast, we watched the last remnants of the Pixel Pirate Ship disappear into the churning digital void.
On my still glitching screen, a new notification appeared.
New Achievement Unlocked! Galleon Sinker!
You sunk your first digital pirate ship! Congratulations, Captain Chaos! You’ve just redefined “computer crash” in the most explosive way possible.
Gain: You got a Glutton’s Gold Pirate Chest!
New Achievement Unlocked! Suplex Psycho!
You’ve bodyslammed your way into the Infernum Wrestling Hall of Fame... if there was such a thing. Hulk Hogan’s lawyers called to remind you that “Hulkamania” is trademarked. We’ve advised them to take it up with Legal in the Eighth Circle.
Gain: You got a Sinner’s Silver Wrestling Chest!
“Holy shit,” I breathed, my voice barely audible over the dying echoes of the explosion. “That was—”
“Fucking awesome!” Snuggles finished, now downsized and perched on my shoulder again.
“Yeah, fucking awesome.”
“Come on,” Annalise said, sounding glad to be leaving the Glitch Goblins behind, or what was left of them anyway. “The city isn’t far, and we need to get there soon.”
"I don't know about you two," I said, dusting off as I afforded one last glance at the smoking wreckage of the goblin ship, which was almost gone now, “but I'd say that was a pretty successful field test of the Bulk Hogan Holder."
Annalise rolled her eyes, but I caught the hint of a smile tugging at her lips. "Yeah, congratulations, champ. You just set a new record for most wrestling puns per minute in a life-or-death situation."
"What can I say?" I grinned, flexing my biceps. "When you're this good, you've got to let the world know. And by 'world,' I mean the handful of traumatized goblins who survived that little display."
Snuggles snickered from his perch on my shoulder. "I don't think they're going to forget the name Kade 'The Deleteor' Dalton anytime soon, boss. You were like a one-man glitch wrecking crew out there!"
"Damn straight," I said, giving the little furball a fist bump. "Those pixelated punks just got a first-class ticket to Suplex City, courtesy of yours truly."
Annalise shook her head, but there was a fondness in her exasperation. "Alright, alright, we get it. You're the baddest dude in the First Circle. Now, can we please focus on the task at hand? We've got a quest to complete, remember?"
"Right, right," I said, sobering slightly. "Quest first, gloating later. Got it."