Before I left the SC, I had to take a shit. Seemed all the excitement and adrenaline of the Trial had loosened my bowels, so I sat on the iffy toilet and stared at various menus on my HUD while my bowels did their thing. As I was reading over my stats, wondering what I should work on increasing, a notification came through. Or rather, a “Text Message” from Annalise:

ANNALISE: What are you doing in there?

So we can text each other now? I thought. Cool. Must be because of the Damned and Dangerous Party we formed.

KADE: Taking a shit.

ANNALISE: Gross. Hurry up. We have to move.

KADE: I don’t like rushing my constitutionals.

SNUGGLES: Jesus, Kade. You’re not on Earth now, you know. You don’t got time to mess about anymore.

KADE: There’s always time to take a shit. What if I poo my pants out there? Will you put up with the smell?

ANNALISE: Jesus Christ…

SNUGGLES: Our fearless leader indeed…

KADE: I’m almost done. Come in here Snuggles so I can wipe my ass with you. The toilet paper in here is more like sandpaper.

SNUGGLES: I just threw up in my mouth, Kade.

Laughing, I used the coarse toilet paper to wipe my ass, which wasn’t a pleasant experience because it left my butt hole feeling like I’d wiped with a bunch of stinging nettles. As I flushed, I vowed my first SC upgrade would be a bidet, one of those hi-tech Japanese jobs that makes you go, “Ooooaaaaooo,” when the warm water hits your anus.

Pulling my jeans up, I felt a stone lighter, though the smell I left behind was atrocious. What the hell are they putting in the food here?

A notification appeared.

New Achievement Unlocked! Hellish Offering!

Congratulations! You’ve just set a new record for “Most Noxious Deposit in a Safe Circle.” Your bowels have truly embraced the spirit of competition in the Trials.

Gain: Methane Mastery. You can now light your farts on command for minor fire damage.

Note: The Bureau’s Plumbing Union has filed a formal complaint. They’re demanding hazard pay and therapy sessions.

* * *

Annalise and Snuggles were already waiting for me outside my Safe Circle.

“About damn time,” Snuggles said, now standing at almost two feet tall. His left arm had also grown back as well.

“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” I said. “You’re telling me you two haven’t taken a shit since arriving here?”

“No, but I can eat food now, so that may change soon enough.”

“Gonna get messy down there with all that fur, bro.”

Snuggles shook his head. “Thanks for the warning.” Then his eyes went to the yellow jockstrap I had on. “What in the name of all that is unholy is that yellow monstrosity clinging to your groin, Kade?”

I grinned at him, then at Annalise, who was just standing there shaking her head, hardly able to look at my new fashion accessory. “It’s the Bulk Hogan Holder,” I said. “Enhances my wrestling abilities.”

“Dear me,” Annalise said. “It sure as hell doesn’t enhance anything else, especially your damn dignity.”

“Dignity? In this place? Gimme a break.”

I chuckled, still in an exuberant mood after completing the First Trial. It kinda reminded me of when I would win fights back home. That surge of adrenaline, the rush of victory, the feeling of being on top of the world—it was all there, but amplified tenfold. Maybe it was the absurdity of the situation, or perhaps it was the way this place seemed to heighten every emotion, but I felt more alive than I had in years.

Annalise, on the other hand, seemed a bit subdued. I wasn’t sure if she was just still struggling with her new circumstances or if something in particular was on her mind. As Snuggles hoped up onto my shoulder, heavier than he was before, I caught up with Annalise.

“Hey,” I said, nudging her. “You okay?”

She nodded. “Just missing my old life, I guess. My mother. And my dog.”

“You had a dog?”

“A black Labrador. His name was Chunk. I named him after Chunk from the Goonies.” She paused, sniffing slightly. “He was my best friend.”

A moment of silence ensued, before I said, “I only ever had one dog. Vindaloo. She was my dad’s dog really.”

Annalise stared at me. “You named the dog Vindaloo?”

“Not me, my dad. It was a Fox Red Labrador, and my dad thought her fur looked the same color as Vindaloo, his favorite dish.”

Snuggles let out a snort from his perch on my shoulder. “Well, that explains a lot about you, Kade,” he said. “Your old man named a dog after a curry. Suddenly, your questionable decision-making skills and penchant for spicy situations make perfect sense.” He paused for dramatic effect, then added with a smirk, “I bet family dinners were a real treat. ‘Pass the Vindaloo, would ya? No, not the dog, the dish!’ Must’ve been a laugh riot.”

Annalise tried to stifle a giggle as Snuggles continued, “And here I thought you couldn’t get any more strange. Guess I should’ve known better. What’s next? You gonna tell us you had a cat named Sushi or a hamster called Hamburger?”

I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t help cracking a smile. “Alright, wise guy. At least I wasn’t named after a fabric softener.”

“Touché, curry boy,” Snuggles retorted, his button eyes gleaming with mischief. “Touché.”

The banter continued for a while as we made our way toward Glitch Haven, which was still some way in the distance. Throughout, I kept glancing up at the looming skyline, apprehension churning in my gut.

“You okay there, Kade?” Snuggles asked, noticing my frequent glances. “You look like you’re expecting the sky to fall.”

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I shrugged, trying to play it cool. “Just wondering what we’re walking into. That city... it doesn’t exactly look like a vacation spot.”

Snuggles chuckled darkly. “Oh, it’s a vacation spot alright. The kind where you check in, but you don’t check out.”

“Thanks for that, Snuggles. Really helpful,” I muttered.

Truth was, I was nervous. The city looked like a digital fever dream, all twisted architecture and pulsing neon. Who knew what kind of dangers lurked in those glitching streets? But at the same time, I couldn’t deny a certain curiosity. What secrets did Glitch Haven hold? What kind of bizarre NPCs would we encounter?

“I gotta admit,” I said, breaking the silence that had fallen, “part of me is actually excited to see what’s in there. I mean, it’s not every day you get to explore a city that looks like it was designed by a malfunctioning AI on acid.”

“Yeah,” Annalise said. “Though I think we’re gonna need all the advantages we can get to complete this quest. Speaking of which, did you get anything cool in your chests, Kade?”

“I got a boom box.”

“A boom box?”

“Yeah, an actual boom box that plays music and everything. It also goes boom.”

“Nice,” Snuggles said. “That should come in handy.”

“What about you guys?” I asked.

“We’re a party now,” Annalise said. “You can see for yourself in your HUD. Just click the names in the Party Menu.”

I did as she said and suddenly I could see all of Annalise’s skills and what was in her inventory. Like me, she had a lot of fighting skills, including:

Dragon’s Daughter - Level 5

+25% kick damage and speed

Bonus Move: Crouching Tiger - A powerful low kick with 15% chance to sweep opponent off their feet.

Graceful Fury - Level 4

+20% to overall agility and evasion

+15% damage to quick, successive strikes

Silver Screen Striker - Level 4

+20% to unarmed combat effectiveness

Bonus Move: Spotlight Stunner - A flashy combo attack with 10% chance to momentarily daze opponent.

Annalise also had other skills in Stealth, First Aid, Method Acting, and Acrobatics.

For clearing the First Trial, she had also earned herself a snazzy pair of high-top sneakers straight out of the 80s that gave her +2 to Dexterity when performing Acrobatic and Kicking moves, plus a 10% chance to dodge incoming attacks.

“Nice, Annalise,” I said, nodding approvingly at all her stats and skills. “You really are becoming a real ninja.”

“And you’re becoming a real fighter,” she said, seemingly checking out my stats and skills. “You gained quite a bit of gear.”

“Just becoming the 80s action hero they want me to be.” I clicked on Snuggles’ name on the screen. “Let’s see what shape our furry friend is in.”

Snuggles had a couple striking attacks, but without the strength to back them up, I didn’t see them being much use. He seemed to have gained the ability to alter his appearance once per day, however, which might come in handy, plus the ability to grow or shrink at will (current max size 2.5 feet). He had also gained an ability called ‘Sonic Scream-o-rama’ which gave him the ability to use screaming attacks that induced fear.

“You’re getting there, Snuggles,” I said. “You’re not doing bad considering you haven’t long been in the game.”

“Yeah,” he said. “And check out this. I got it for completing the Trial.”Snuggles hopped down off my shoulder so he could show us his new toy. “You ain’t the only one with a boombox, Kade.”

From his inventory, Snuggles pulled out what looked to be a mini boombox complete with light-up equalizer, faux chrome finish, and a cassette slot that occasionally spit out glitching pixels. “Behold—The Gnarly Noise-O-Matic 3000!”

I couldn’t help but titter at the small size of the thing. “What does it do? Play ‘Tiny Dancer’ on repeat? Or is it more of a ‘Small World After All’ kind of device?”

Snuggles glared at me, his button eyes somehow managing to convey deep offense. “Hardy har har, Kade. Keep it up and I’ll introduce you to its ‘Eardrum Obliterator’ setting. We’ll see who’s laughing when you’re trying to scrape your liquefied brain out of your ear canal.”

I held up my hands in mock surrender. “Easy there, MC Plush. I’m just saying, it looks like something Barbie would use to play her hit single ‘Plastic Fantastic’ in her Dream House.”

“Oh yeah?” Snuggles retorted, his paw hovering ominously over the device’s buttons. “How about a live demonstration? I hear the ‘Brown Note’ is particularly effective on wise-ass humans.”

Annalise, who had been watching our exchange with growing amusement, finally chimed in. “Boys, boys, you’re both pretty. Can we save the audio assault for the actual enemies?”

I nodded, still grinning. “Fair enough. But I’m keeping my eyes on that thing. If I start hearing ‘It’s a Small World,’ I’m running for the hills.”

Snuggles just grumbled something about “uncultured swines” and “real audio power” as he tucked the Gnarly Noise-O-Matic 3000 away. I had to admit, though, I was curious to see what that little box could do when push came to shove.

After the diminutive plushy hopped up onto my shoulder again, we continued toward Glitch Haven, which wasn’t too far away now. The closer we got, the more we started to notice the landscape changing in bizarre, unsettling ways.

Waves of static and digital artifacts began to wash across the ground like a strange, pixelated tide. It was as if reality itself was breaking down, replaced by a sea of digital detritus. Fragments of code floated through the air, glowing faintly before dissipating like fireflies. The horizon seemed to flicker and glitch, occasionally revealing glimpses of impossible geometries and colors that shouldn’t exist.

As we walked, our feet occasionally sank into patches of ground that had become soft and unstable, like walking on a screen full of dead pixels. Ghostly images would sometimes materialize around us—fleeting snapshots of corrupted data that looked like fractured memories of a world long forgotten.

The air itself felt charged, crackling with an energy that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Every so often, a wave of distortion would pass over us, momentarily warping our vision and making it feel like we were characters in a glitching video game.

“Well, this is... disconcerting,” I muttered, watching as a nearby rock briefly transformed into a cascade of numbers before reassembling itself.

Annalise nodded, her eyes wide as she took in the surreal landscape. “It’s like we’re walking through a computer’s fever dream.”

Snuggles, perched on my shoulder, seemed less impressed. “Eh, you get used to it. Just wait till you see what it does to your digestive system. Let’s just say, your bathroom breaks are about to get a lot more... interesting.”

I grimaced at the thought. “Thanks for that mental image, Snuggles. Really looking forward to that.”

As we pressed on, the waves of digital chaos grew more intense, the boundary between the physical and digital worlds blurring more with each step. Glitch Haven loomed ahead, a beacon of concentrated madness in this sea of digital decay.

Suddenly, Annalise grabbed my arm, her fingers digging into my skin. “Kade, look!” She pointed toward the horizon, her voice trembling.

My eyes followed her gesture, and my breath caught in my throat. There, surfing on the waves of static and corrupted data, was a massive, pixelated galleon. Its form flickered and distorted as it moved, sails made of giant glitching screens displaying random lines of code.

“What the hell is that?” I whispered, my heart pounding in my chest.

Snuggles’ tiny claws dug into my shoulder. “Nothing good, that’s for sure. We need to move. Now!”

We broke into a run, our feet pounding against the unstable ground. The digital sea churned beneath us, pixels splashing up with each step. The ship was gaining on us, its unnatural movement allowing it to close the distance at an alarming rate.

“There!” Annalise shouted, pointing to a cluster of glitching buildings. “We can lose it in there!”

We veered toward the structures, hope flaring in my chest. But as we approached, the buildings suddenly flickered and vanished, revealing a dead end of solid static.

“Fuck!” I yelled, skidding to a halt.

We spun around, only to find the galleon sailing toward us in a strange glitching motion, almost seeming to phase in and out of reality. Its passage was accompanied by a cacophony of dial-up modem sounds, old computer startup noises, and garbled audio clips that sounded like recordings of people being brutally murdered.

Then the ship was suddenly looming over us, and from its deck, small, fast-moving humanoid creatures began to pour out, their bodies flickering in and out of reality. Others swung out on ropes made from lines of digital code.

“Level 6 Glitch Goblins,” Snuggles breathed, his voice filled with dread.

The creatures surrounded us, their pixelated features twisted into malicious grins. Their leader, a larger goblin with a body that seemed to be made of pure code, stepped forward.

“Looky here, boys,” it sneered, its voice a distorted cacophony of digital noise, a black patch over one eye. “Looks like we’ve caught ourselves some new playthings.”

I clenched my fists, the fingerless gloves humming to life. Annalise shifted into a fighting stance, her pumps glowing ominously. Snuggles’ paw hovered over his Gnarly Noise-O-Matic 3000.

The Glitch Goblin leader’s grin widened, revealing teeth made of jagged bits of broken code. “Let’s see how long you last before you’re nothing but corrupted data, you bilge rats!”

As the horde of Glitch Goblins closed in, the world around us began to destabilize, reality itself seeming to unravel at the seams. We stood back-to-back, outnumbered and surrounded, with Glitch Haven’s twisted skyline looming in the distance—so close, yet impossibly far.

Then the Glitch Goblins attacked.