“Oh, by the way! Do you have those trashy little books from the 'Come-Come Paradise' series? Could you lend me one for five minutes? These two still can't figure out how to properly engage in the reproduction process.”
“No!” - The specialist in perversions rejected my suggestion. – “Anyway, get dressed and go to the roof. We need to hold our first team meeting.”
“Yes, sensei.” - Sasuke complied, pulling on his pants.
“We'll need to repeat this.” - Sakura remarked discontentedly. – “I'm almost beginning to understand the essence of it.” - I laughed at such a statement because the orc, who was used to reproducing by spores, couldn't even come close to imagining how humans reproduce. – “Naruto-kuuuuun, you should join in too.”
“No-no-no, you guys figure it out first without me.” - I distanced myself from such a prospect.
Kakashi watched the entire scene, staring so hard that I thought his eye might pop out. Five minutes later, we gathered on the school roof, and our 'mentor' suggested that each of us talk about our desires, plans, and so on. Surprisingly, Sakura took the initiative, eager to share her plans with the world.
“My name is Haruno Sakura. I am Groot! I love Naruto and don't like Sasuke. And my dream is to give birth to an army of huge green-skinned barbarians who will enslave this world, build spaceships on its ruins, and set out to conquer the galaxy!”
Kakashi's right eye twitched at such a statement, so it might have seemed like he was winking at Sakura, hinting that he knew how to reproduce correctly. But she completely ignored these lewd hints, grabbing Sasuke and rubbing her chest against him.
“My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I love Sakura and don't like boiled onions. My dream is to become a professiAnal dimension-traveler.” - Sasuke declared straightforwardly, right according to Freud. After his statement, Kakashi's eye twitched twice as often.
“I am Uzumaki Naruto!” - I struck a pompous pose. – “I love fighting for world justice by destroying evil! I don't like it when this evil dies too quickly and without enough suffering. And my dream... I must destroy one Being.”
At that moment, such a bloodlust emanated from me that Kakashi's hair turned white on the spot. Although no one noticed because his hair was already white.
“Well... you... uh...” - Our mentor mumbled when my fit of unprovoked anger passed. – “I'll see you tomorrow at six in the morning at the eighth training ground. And I advise you not to have breakfast, or you'll throw up.”
At this point, the great jonin couldn't take it anymore and vomited himself. It really hit him hard. He shouldn't have stood right in front of me. See, Sasuke and Sakura hid behind me, and the bloodlust hardly affected them. After such a fiasco, Kakashi abruptly left, and I followed his example. I had other things to do besides watching the crazy Sakura and the lovesick Sasuke.
The next morning, I was sitting in the center of the training ground near a pond, enjoying a modest breakfast of six dishes. Nearby sat Sakura and Sasuke, drooling. Overnight, the girl almost returned to normal, and now it was hard to distinguish her from the real Sakura.
“But Kakashi-sensei told us not to eat anything.” - She complained, watching another piece of omelet disappear into my mouth with a sorrowful gaze.
“I'm not forcing anyone to eat. Maybe I want to vomit? And how am I supposed to do that on an empty stomach?”
Sasuke watched me, making a face of offended innocence and pretending he wasn't the least bit hungry, although the constant drooling, which he kept swallowing, gave him away completely. But his clan pride wouldn't let him ask me for anything. Also, I was apparently his rival for Sakura's heart, and he couldn't humiliate himself by asking me for something. All these thoughts and feelings were so clearly visible on Uchiha's face that I didn't even need to use my psionic abilities to understand everything.
After finishing breakfast, I pulled out a portable palanquin with curtains from the sun and lay down to sleep, leaving five clones on guard. This approach to training completely exhausted my teammates, who yawned every minute, trying not to fall asleep. By the time Kakashi appeared on the horizon, Sasuke and Sakura were already sound asleep, nestled in each other's arms under a bush. My clones woke me up, so I quickly put away the bed and started pretending to be a cheerful and diligent ninja, watching the surroundings.
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“Good afternoon, Kakashi-sensei!” - I greeted in the most energetic voice I could muster. – “You're late again! Think about the example you're setting for the younger generation?”
“Well, I was helping an old lady cross the street and got a bit delayed.”
“Kakashi-sensei, your kindness knows no bounds! With your abilities, in five hours, you could help eighteen thousand grandmothers to cross the street. Maybe you should let them rest a bit? If you keep moving these poor pensioners at such a pace, they'll all die from heart strain and sensory shock from sudden spatial shifts.”
“Uhhh... ummm... errr...” - The pathological latecomer and liar couldn't come up with a retort. – “And where are Sasuke and Sakura?” - He changed the subject.
“Sleeping under the bushes.” - I pointed to the 'shelter' where my teammates were hiding from the scorching sun. – “And we are supposedly on a training mission and should be ready for a sudden enemy attack.”
“Hmmm... yes, that's not good.” - Kakashi agreed with me.
As I had hoped, he decided to teach the green genins a lesson. Using a simple jutsu, he scooped water from the pond, cooled it to almost zero degrees, and then poured a cubic meter of icy liquid onto the blissfully dozing pair. The ensuing double scream could be heard even at the Hokage Tower on the other side of the city. When the 'sweet couple' regained their senses after such an extreme wake-up call, Kakashi took control and lined us up. I stood cheerfully and energetically a bit apart, while the drenched Sasuke and Sakura glared around angrily, trying to warm up in each other's arms.
“Today, I wanted to give you a team challenge, but judging by what I see, you've already failed it.” - Our commander began to scold us. – “So, for beginning, I want to assess your combat level in one-on-one sparring. We'll start with you, Sasuke. Come here and show me everything you've got. Attack me as if you want to kill me.”
“I actually want to kill you.” - The head of the Uchiha clan couldn't help but admit. – "Therefore...”
He gave Kakashi a particularly vicious glare, after which the elite jonin's head exploded, and he collapsed to the ground in a heap.
“Whoa!” - I was surprised. – “How did you do that?”
“Art is an explosion!” - Sasuke gloated. – “Genjutsu is the ability to inject your chakra into the opponent's brain and cause hallucinations. I use this chakra to create an explosion. For this, I chose the appropriate element. It's enough for me to see the enemy to kill them instantly.”
“Wow, Sasuke, you're so cool!” - Sakura immediately praised the idea.
“Not bad.” - I nodded. – “But now we're left without a mentor.”
“He wasn't going to teach us anything anyway.” - The time-traveler dismissed.
“Haven't you considered that the village leadership might not appreciate such treatment of its best personnel? Kakashi was the strongest jonin after the Third Hokage.”
“Pfft! Weakling!” - Sasuke snorted.
“Fine, I'll have to handle this problem myself.” - I sighed.
Approaching our commander's corpse, I touched it with my hand and channeled my chakra through his body. Overall, the situation wasn't that serious. The soul was still nearby, watching its corpse with a stunned expression. Even the astral shells were just beginning to decay.
Pulling out a kunai from Kakashi's pouch, I swiftly severed the remnants of his head. It was so mangled that it was easier to grow a new one than to restore this mess. After that, I directed my chakra to regenerate the missing tissues, growing a new head for the jonin in just a few seconds. There was even a small hope that it would be less stupid than the previous one.
Of course, this new head had both 'native' eyes, so I extracted the remains of Obito's Sharingan from the bloody mess, restored it, and then grafted it back into its rightful place, tweaking the chakra channels so that the eye worked like a normal Uchiha's.
In less than a minute, Kakashi twitched, opened his eyes, and stared at me in shock.
“Kakashi-sensei, you're alive!” - I rejoiced, playing the fool. – “I was starting to worry.”
“What... what happened?” - Our captain asked, trying to regain control of his arms and legs, which was not so easy with a new head.
“Well, Sasuke blew your head off.” - I replied nonchalantly. – “But I reattached it, and you came back to life.”
“What?!!”
Kakashi jerked, sat up, turned his head, and saw the remains of his previous 'pumpkin.'
“Don't worry.” - I reassured him. – “I also reattached your left eye. It works better than before.”
Only then did Kakashi realize he was seeing the world with both eyes, and his face no longer had a mask. Slightly tensing, he activated the Sharingan and was surprised to find that the chakra expenditure was very low.
“I think we need to continue the sparring. Look, Sakura also wants to hit you. But don't worry. If anything happens, I'll bring you back even from dead.” - I grinned wickedly, making a face like a mad vivisector.
“Orochimaru?” - Kakashi paled.
“Where?” - I began to look around.
“Oh no, my imagination.” - He sighed in relief after scanning me with his chakra. – “Alright, Sakura, your turn now.”